sassiex Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 I seems to me that nearly all mm are cake eaters !! but my question to you all is can cakemen love ??? do cake men love their mistresses ????? or are cake men just in for themselves with no feelings? thoughts pleeeezzzze :rolleyes: :rolleyes:
peacelove Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Who came up with that name CakeEater? Can't seem to remember.
norajane Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 No, not "nearly all men" are cake eaters. Just many of the ones who are cheating on their wives. Everyone is capable of love, even cake eaters, but you just can't count on their love for much, since YES, they do put themselves above everyone else. They love their wives, have no desire to leave them and their life together, but they want extra on the side...therefore, their desire for a little extra takes precedence over their feelings for their wives AND mistresses.
yousaveme Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 I hate that word cakeman ....You know what my MM was there for me alot. I know he loves me and shows it..When i was sick he was there, we couldnt do anything. He held my hand. He was caught talking to me when I was asleep. Would worry about me and still does. He does things for me that I dont ask for. This isnt a cakeman..This is someone who cares and loves.
peacelove Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 If the married man is a cakeman, the bs' husband is one also.
stillafool Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Yes I would definitely say not only MM but men who cheat are "cake men" (they want their cake but want to eat it too). I guess you could say the same for women who cheat. I know all circumstances are different but I would definitely say "serial cheaters" are cake men and women.
ByMyRules Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Yes I would definitely say not only MM but men who cheat are "cake men" (they want their cake but want to eat it too). I guess you could say the same for women who cheat. I know all circumstances are different but I would definitely say "serial cheaters" are cake men and women. CakeWomen too
NearlyThere Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 I saw this posted earlier on today by IFWISHESWEREHORSES. It is certainly the best post I have come across in helping to try and decide if he is a cakeman or not. This is from the other cakeman thread going at the moment. Sorry to steal your prev post IWWH - hope you dont mind. I have copied/pasted it word for word. I would think that history would be the best indicator. Has he done this before. Are their other, other woman involved or have their been. Another good indicator would be ego or attention. Is this man an attention hound? (don't remember whether you are/have been around him in social situations) Another good indicator is humility. Is he capable of it? And I don't mean the excuse of staying for the kids or what I'm doing is wrong (that could be mere justification and seeking of sympathy), but in other areas of his life does he have humility and is able to admit that he has a possibility for improvement. How does he handle shame, that's a big one. You are right that there is a definite difference in cakemen and someone who happens to have fallen in love with another person - though as I've stated, I find NO respect in not accepting the consequeces for your decisions.
puddleofmud Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Does "love" really have anything to do with this? I fall in love all the time and I LIKE it--it is one of the better aspects of my personality. Actual love is not about the emotion but about how one acts upon it. True and abiding love is beyond explanation because there are no questions such as "does he love me" for any reason because the person who LOVES you is the person who's there 24/7 no matter what. They are there the minute you call because you are sick and they stay and hold your head when you puke, go out to the store in the middle of the night to bring you medicine and wash your pukey clothes! They are there the day after great sex and fix breakfast and read the paper with you. They empty the cat's litter box. They are with you when you Mom is in the hospital.... And they don't just sleep with you to have sex. They sleep with you just to be with you every night because they love you so much they can't leave you, EVER.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Some people have jobs where they can't be together 24 hours a day or even days in a row...(in some cases weeks/months) And I don't think a good R dictates that you have/need to be together all the time...people have other R's in their lives as well...(friends/family)... And some people like a little alone time...and I don't think that there's anything wrong with that either...
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 1. can cakemen love ??? 2. do cake men love their mistresses ????? 3. or are cake men just in for themselves with no feelings? 1. Yep. They can love, and they do. They have the ability to compartmentalize that love though - think of it as a man's heart being a puzzle. One piece is for the wife. It fits only in the 'wife' spot, and he needs it to be complete. One piece is for the OW. It fits only in the 'OW' spot. He also needs this one to be complete. The key thing here is that the pieces are not the same and will never fit in the others' slot - he loves one way for the wife, and another way for the OW. He has to have both. If one piece goes missing - or if he breaks things off with the W and puts the OW into the W slot, he has to fill that other missing slot with another OW. Compartmentalizing - its what defines the cakeman. 2. Some do. Some don't. It depends on the relationship. It also depends on whether or not the affair stays a secret. More often than not though, when the cover is blown, he will turn his back on the OW in order to keep his marriage intact - regardless of how much 'love' he felt for the OW. 3. Again, it depends on the relationship. Some men really are in it just for the sex. Others end up falling in love.
herenow Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 I never understood the saying "you can't have your cake and eat it too". Does not make sense to me, so I don't even get what cakeman means. If I had a cake, I would certainly want to eat it. What good is a cake if you can't enjoy it?
RecordProducer Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 I agree with Lucrezia, although I don't have any experience with affairs, but I know other people's experiences. Who came up with that name CakeEater? Can't seem to remember.I like how we derived the expressions "cake eaters" and "cakemen" from that saying! No, not "nearly all men" are cake eaters. Just many of the ones who are cheating on their wives. She said nearly all MM are cake eaters which is the same as what you said. If the married man is a cakeman, the bs' husband is one also.How is that? Can you explain please? I never understood the saying "you can't have your cake and eat it too". Does not make sense to me, so I don't even get what cakeman means. If I had a cake, I would certainly want to eat it. What good is a cake if you can't enjoy it?It means you can't keep something and spend it too. Like saying: you can't buy a car AND save the money. You have to choose between those two. If you buy the car, you won't have money, if you keep the money, you won't have the car. Sorry this was so detailed Perhaps you wanted to know how it relates to affairs. What they are trying to say is that they want to be married AND free to date other women at the same time.
puddleofmud Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Some people have jobs where they can't be together 24 hours a day or even days in a row...(in some cases weeks/months) And I don't think a good R dictates that you have/need to be together all the time...people have other R's in their lives as well...(friends/family)... And some people like a little alone time...and I don't think that there's anything wrong with that either... I agree about time alone and apart, time to be with friends, etc. and that there is no 24/7 at ALL times. Anyone in a good working relationship already knows this. I am trying to express that one puts the one whom they truly love's needs FIRST. There are no "if, ands, or buts". Should one be have the flu and a puke fest while one's partner is in Europe he may be not able to get the first plane and fly back--but he does answer ALL your calls, put you first, and stay on the phone with you all night, need be. That is what is NORMAL and not exceptional about being in love. After all, isn't that what YOU would do? It is a matter of not just emotion but of action.
frannie Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 I agree about time alone and apart, time to be with friends, etc. and that there is no 24/7 at ALL times. Anyone in a good working relationship already knows this. I am trying to express that one puts the one whom they truly love's needs FIRST. There are no "if, ands, or buts". Should one be have the flu and a puke fest while one's partner is in Europe he may be not able to get the first plane and fly back--but he does answer ALL your calls, put you first, and stay on the phone with you all night, need be. That is what is NORMAL and not exceptional about being in love. After all, isn't that what YOU would do? It is a matter of not just emotion but of action. Not to be ridiculous , but. Not everyone can put their partner first all the time every time. Some people are on submarines, down mines, and in all sorts of situations in which they can't be there or on the phone, unless it's an absolute matter of life or death. The fact is, that love doesn't equate to being available.
frannie Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 Also to add, that there are other times in life when one's partner's needs must wait because of other obligations: a sick parent, a child's needs. That doesn't mean that the partner is loved less, just that there are sometimes priorities. To me, this equates exactly with the position of the OW. Or, to talk about myself, when he's not with me and with his family, I view it as he has responsibilities at that time to his children. It would be the same if he had left: they will always have a prior call on his time, because they're just children.
Author sassiex Posted December 2, 2006 Author Posted December 2, 2006 1. Yep. They can love, and they do. They have the ability to compartmentalize that love though - think of it as a man's heart being a puzzle. One piece is for the wife. It fits only in the 'wife' spot, and he needs it to be complete. One piece is for the OW. It fits only in the 'OW' spot. He also needs this one to be complete. The key thing here is that the pieces are not the same and will never fit in the others' slot - he loves one way for the wife, and another way for the OW. He has to have both. If one piece goes missing - or if he breaks things off with the W and puts the OW into the W slot, he has to fill that other missing slot with another OW. Compartmentalizing - its what defines the cakeman. 2. Some do. Some don't. It depends on the relationship. It also depends on whether or not the affair stays a secret. More often than not though, when the cover is blown, he will turn his back on the OW in order to keep his marriage intact - regardless of how much 'love' he felt for the OW. 3. Again, it depends on the relationship. Some men really are in it just for the sex. Others end up falling in love. this all makes alot of sense to me !! do mm miss the ow when they are not together ?? can the marriage survive without the ow ?? especially when he loves her !
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 1. do mm miss the ow when they are not together ?? 2. can the marriage survive without the ow ?? 1. Sometimes. I guess it depends on his relationship with the OW. Some MM only think about the OW when they are feeling like they need a sexual fix. Some think about the OW a good deal of the time if they are emotionally involved with her and not just sexually. Some MM are so compartmentalized that the OW may as well not exist when he is away from her. It all depends on the relationship and the man in question. 2. The marriage is a constant for the cakeman, regardless of whether or not he has an OW - so yes, the marriage survives. Having an OW fulfills that part of him that needs one, but it isn't as necessary to him as his marriage is.
ratingsguy Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 Does "love" really have anything to do with this? I fall in love all the time and I LIKE it--it is one of the better aspects of my personality. Actual love is not about the emotion but about how one acts upon it. True and abiding love is beyond explanation because there are no questions such as "does he love me" for any reason because the person who LOVES you is the person who's there 24/7 no matter what. They are there the minute you call because you are sick and they stay and hold your head when you puke, go out to the store in the middle of the night to bring you medicine and wash your pukey clothes! They are there the day after great sex and fix breakfast and read the paper with you. They empty the cat's litter box. They are with you when you Mom is in the hospital.... And they don't just sleep with you to have sex. They sleep with you just to be with you every night because they love you so much they can't leave you, EVER. Wow, I couldn't have said it better myself. Very well said. I think my MW would also agree with puddleofmud's post (and we can relate... as much as a MW and OM can) with the above statement. She is in a truly loveless marriage. More than once I hear, "I never thought I'd cheat on my H" but after 21 years of not having that emotional connection, I can't blame her. She's told me about buying and wrapping her own Christmas presents. She's told me about her H staying at home by himself watching TV while their daughter was celebrating her sweet 16 party. She's told me about hiding in her house in the middle of the night just so she can cry because she's so lonely. Her H doesn't understand her pain, even after my MW asked for a divorce! I spent all day yesterday with my MW. She came over and we caught up. We usually see each other about every two weeks (mainly because she is very careful). Then we made love and lied in bed together talking for close to two hours... about everything and anything. And honestly, those 2 hours were amazing (and I think she'd agree). In the middle of that, I shared a poem that I wrote for her. She cried and told me that nobody had ever done that for her. Later we went to a restaurant to grab dinner and chat some more. Finally, we came back to my house and just rested in each others arms talking more about us and our lives. Then she left to go home. I cried for about an hour. But then she saw me online and we IMed back and forth for a little while. So considering all that, my MW is not a cakeeater. She's an extremely lonely and neglected woman who so desperately needs love. And despite the sacrifices we both have to make, I'm happy I can do give her the love she needs... and vice versa.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 She's an extremely lonely and neglected woman who so desperately needs love. So, why not divorce and find that love? She's holding the key to her own cage. Why not use it? You mentioned that she asked for a divorce (or so she said, anyway) - what was the result of that?
ratingsguy Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 Her husband convinced her to wait until their 16 year old turns 18, so she reluctantly agreed. You'd think that would be a serious red flag to the H to get his act together, but apparently nothing has changed. He's still at home every night watching TV or reading the paper... the H is a homebody who apparently doesn't care about the outcome of his marriage (or the feelings of his wife... I guess he's given up). Although at least he's thinking about his kids.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 So, why not divorce and find that love? She's holding the key to her own cage. Why not use it? You mentioned that she asked for a divorce (or so she said, anyway) - what was the result of that? Nevermind. I remember your story now. Her reason was... She has told her husband that she wants a divorce, but they have decided to wait until her kids are grown (which isn't too far down the road as they're 15 and 18). I guess you have to settle for what you can until that time.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 You'd think that would be a serious red flag to the H to get his act together, but apparently nothing has changed. He's still at home every night watching TV or reading the paper... My guess is that the husband is simply waiting her out, and thinks she isn't really going to go anywhere.
ratingsguy Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 My guess is that the husband is simply waiting her out, and thinks she isn't really going to go anywhere. That's my guess to. But she's often told me that her kids are pretty mature, and 16 isn't the worst age for a kid to go through a divorce. Plus they see how unhappy she is and of course that isn't healthy. So she may file sooner, we'll see. Expect the worst and hope for the best.
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