slave2love Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 I'm the author of true love or bs...for anyone who want's to catch up on the situation before they respond to this. It's been 3 weeks of NC and I'm still a mess. This is driving me crazy. I know that people say no answer is your answer and if he wanted to get in touch with me he would. I'm the one who started the NC thing (after he hung up on me I sent him an email saying that he would not be hearing from me again.) But here's the thing....I still want answers. I know him well...I know that he avoids things when he's hurt or afraid of being hurt. He has done this before where he stops talking to me after professing his undying love. We had NC for 13 years and he's the one who started it all back up again. So I want to deal with this now...because in my gut I know that he will contact me again..it might be years from now but he will. That's just how he is. He can't let it go...neither can I but he hides when he's confused..hurt..etc. How do I get him to deal with this now for both of our sakes? I've composed many many emails over the last 3 weeks of NC but never sent any of them. He told me at one point during all of this that he backed away from me because he wants to be with me and knows he can't and it hurt him too much. I believe that from him because that's the way he's always been with me. I love him so much and it hurts so much not to know how he's doing. I feel like he is trying to leave the door open by avoiding contact and not responding to emails. How do I let him know that it's now or never? I know in my heart that once I let myself get over him it will be for good this time. He said it took him 13 years to contact me because he was afraid I would reject him. I'd like to leave the door open so that if someday our situations change we might have a chance to be together. But I can't do that if he's not willing to tell me goodbye or even goodbye for now. Torn again here...any advice?
PoshPrincess Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 He told me at one point during all of this that he backed away from me because he wants to be with me and knows he can't and it hurt him too much. I believe that from him because that's the way he's always been with me. I love him so much and it hurts so much not to know how he's doing. I think you've answered your own question here - 'he wants to be with me and knows he can't'. So, there you have it. Not at all easy for you of course but why prolong the agony? You're just torturing yourself. I know, I've been there, but fortunately have come out the other side (slightly different sitch to yours though). I don't doubt that he has feelings for you; he just knows he's not really in a position to act on them. I feel like he is trying to leave the door open by avoiding contact and not responding to emails. That's so right and that is what my ex-MM used to do, and I also did with him. 'Closure' was a scary thing to face up to and neither of us wanted to end it completely which is why we both kept trying the 'friends' thing. We are still in touch occasionally which I seem to be coping with as I am now seeing someone else. Not quite sure how he feels about it though! How do I let him know that it's now or never? I know in my heart that once I let myself get over him it will be for good this time. He said it took him 13 years to contact me because he was afraid I would reject him. I'd like to leave the door open so that if someday our situations change we might have a chance to be together. But I can't do that if he's not willing to tell me goodbye or even goodbye for now. Torn again here...any advice? I can understand that you need to know one way or the other, but then if he tells you he can't be with you, you have to really be prepared to let go. It sounds like he's trying to avoid the issue (possibly because he doesn't know what to do himself) and you may never get 'closure' which will be something you will have to deal with. V difficult. I really feel for you. I couldn't face 'closure' at all but now that I finally have it I feel a whole lot better.
whichwayisup Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 You're giving him too much power! Let him leave the door open if he wants to, you can't control that...But you can control what you think and feel by closing the door for yourself. The thing is, you have to WANT to do that. You can't live life waiting to see "if the situation" changes in the future. You say goodbye to him and move on. It didn't work in the past and it's not working now. I hate to say it again, but you gotta make your own closure. Take a step back and see things for what they are. Accept that you two are NOT together and do your best to close your heart to him. If need be, send him one final email. Make your own closure, don't rely on him for it. Remember, actions speak louder than words and his actions are telling you how things are now.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 You want closure...take old love letters, pictures, anything of the sort and burn it...ashes to ashes, dust to dust... Well, it's an idea...
puddleofmud Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 "I know that he avoids things when he's hurt or afraid of being hurt. He has done this before...." And he will do it again and again and again. Is this the kind of partner you seek for a life-long relationship? One who continually chooses to avoid? FYI: avoidance behavior is what is called a "dirty technique". Those who avoid tend to dump emotional "fall-out" in another's lap and expecting the other to just "hold the bag" for them. It is lazy, unfair and down right cruel!!! He is NOT a victim, as mixed up as he may seem. It is a common thread that married persons seek some one "else" to rescue them as opposed to dealing with reality. You can't "fix" him, even with your shared history.
kymberann Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 But here's the thing....I still want answers. I know him well...I know that he avoids things when he's hurt or afraid of being hurt. He has done this before where he stops talking to me after professing his undying love. So hard to deal with and so hard to go on without. However you are going to have to find your own answers. If he plays the avoidance game he isn't going to give you the answers you want or are looking for. Even if he does talk with you he will probably say the same thing he has already told you in the past, which will still keep you guessing. Look at it this way, it's another way for him to lead you on. You can't get him to deal with anything if this is his regular pattern of dealing. The only person you need to take care of is yourself. How can we help you with that closure? Best
whichwayisup Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 Is this the kind of partner you seek for a life-long relationship? One who continually chooses to avoid? Another thing, let's pretend he divorced his wife. Could you honestly trust him 100%? Wouldn't you feel worried that he would cheat on you at some point?
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