ConfusedAdult Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Hello, Well past 5 years or so I completely shut off any social life and all I do now is work. But I managed to do pretty good and now I consider myself "successful".. What bothers/depresses me though is that when I'm at work, I feel like "those people I see on tv".. like a young professional adult, all dressed up in a suit and tie, working downtown with office corner and a view of the skyline... And it feels kinda nice for a sec.. But then I get home and realize that means NOTHING. I have no friends, no life, and even if someone offered their friendship I'd probably quietly turn my back on it. I just have a incredibly bad image of myself.. And it's to the point where I think I subconsciously WANT to cause more damage by being so unsocial or withdraw. It's like I learned to love darkness and sadness.. as if it's "cool" and "mysterious" or something.. like the guy who walks alone, going where the road takes him.. I'm so introverted and I drive around in my car for hours listening to music as if the music is the soundtrack to my life, and I'm starring in some bad indie flick about a lonely miserable person. When I do occasionally act "cheerful" and happy, I catch myself, then feel uncomfortable about it. Like I'm acting the way "they" act. One reason, as a kid, whenever my parents would see me socializing they would get this weird smile, like they're noticing me "being normal" and became so happy about it. So even when I'm not around them, I still feel their presence.. observing me and that look on their face whenever I make a new "friend".. The worst part is, I'm not 17. Or 23. I'm in my thirties now.. 33 to be exact. But I still have this childish self-identity/self awareness issue. And without friends it feels impossible to change. I feel like I don't have an environment for which change can take place. Like trying to light a match in outer space.. it's impossible. So, I guess what I'm asking is how I can change but in a vacuum.. without friends or people to spark emotions and create milestones. Because I have changed once before, but I was in college and had friends and dated, it was them who created the spark that led to the momentum to change. Well thanks for listening..
Craig Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Ok, stop the tape for a second here and work with me. What, if not what you have now would you want for your life? Situations, people, feelings and etc? So, I guess what I'm asking is how I can change but in a vacuum.. without friends or people to spark emotions and create milestones.Part of the answer is contained in the answer to "how do you eat an elephant?" But we'll talk about that later, first tell me what you want. What you want not what you think you can get.
Guest Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Ok, stop the tape for a second here and work with me. What, if not what you have now would you want for your life? Situations, people, feelings and etc? Part of the answer is contained in the answer to "how do you eat an elephant?" But we'll talk about that later, first tell me what you want. What you want not what you think you can get. What I want for my life? I want to get rid of this hazy cloud in my head, and join society again. I feel so detached, and since I don't know a single soul anymore it just intensifies it. I'm tired of hearing silence, or the sound of my computer's fan humming. Yet I have memories of the sounds of people.. of laughing with my friends.. of being in restaurants and the sounds of dishes clanking.. That's all I want. To be able to participate in life again. Just the basics. You know, call someone. Go out to eat with someone. Have someone call me. But I know how to get that. So my problem isn't that I don't know how. My problem is that I have such a horrible feeling about myself that I won't allow myself to. And what's frustrating is that there's been times I have allowed myself to, and for a while got back into things. But something in me will slowly end communications with whatever friends I made and slip back into being alone again. Like I was saying, it's like I hate loneliness but I'm so magnetically inclined to be lonely.. Maybe in a way I learned to love loneliness.. maybe going to long without being lonely eventually makes me feel like a part of me died? So that's why I'm saying, I need to change. But I can't change by "getting out there" and just doing it. It's like I need to rewire my brain. I'm really hesitant to try any drugs.. mainly because I have a fear that it will have sexual side effects which will induce a new problem-- you know fix one problem and introduce another--
Recommended Posts