CoffeeKitten Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Here is the situation (advice of any kind welcomed! ) I'm a 21 year old in the final year of my undergrad degree. I recently got to know a man who has been nothing but kind to me. We've had coffee and chat about the college, life and whatever is on our minds at the time. I really like all of this extra attention I've been getting from him. The problem is that he was my professor. It all started over a common interest in his research and expanded into small meetings, lunch and coffee. I see no signs of a wife or girlfriend but I still feel as though the whole thing is rather odd. I have yet to mention him to any of my close friends. The other odd part about it all is that he is mucher older than I am. Should I continue? If we are both consenting adults, is there really a problem?
someone2 Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 How old is he? Also, do you have feelings for him as a MAN not just a professor (i.e. more than just admiration) If he is not MUCH older than you, and if you like him as a man, not just a professor, I don't see why not. I can totally see it working out. PS: I am biased, because I will be a professor one day
roxy_1980 Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 If he is a current professor, yes there is. It's called conflict of interest. And he can get fired for it. Or at least reprimanded severely. Your undergrad degree would be forever tarnished in the eyes of your fellow upper classmen and possibly your university senate committee (i.e. the people who grant degrees). If he is not currently lecturing in any of your classes and you will not be taking any of classes in the future or looking to do your master's thesis under his supervision (if you're going for that sort of thing later), then there is no real problem. But just in case there are prying, eyes keep it under wraps til graduation. If you're okay with the age thing and he is bona fided single, why not?
Tony T Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Continue to enjoy his company and his conversation. If he isn't married or attached in any way, I'd say go for it regardless. Just enjoy his company and take it wherever the two of you mutually want to take it. Just keep conscious about it and make sure you give each move some thought.
crazy_grl Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 It's not a good idea. Even if you two were the same age, it would be a bad idea to date him while you were still attending college. Since you took one of his classes, it could make some people think that you received special treatment for your grades. Worst case is he could get fired and you could get kicked out. At the very least, people will probably talk about you behind your bad and say you screwed your way to a good grade. Which is more important to you? Your academic/professional reputation or dating? The fact that he's so much older than you makes it a bad idea even if weren't attending that college school. I don't know how much "much older" is to you, but even if it's only 10 years, the gap between 21 and 31 year olds is almost always too much for a healthy relationship. People those ages are simply at different stages in their life. And often, the younger person looks up to the older person, making the relationship unequal. The professor/student relationship makes that all the more likely. I would advise against it. Don't spend so much time around him and start hanging out with guys closer to your own age. After you graduate, if you decide that maybe you two are right for each other, you can always get back in touch with him.
Tony T Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 It's not a good idea. Even if you two were the same age, it would be a bad idea to date him while you were still attending college. Since you took one of his classes, it could make some people think that you received special treatment for your grades. Worst case is he could get fired and you could get kicked out. At the very least, people will probably talk about you behind your bad and say you screwed your way to a good grade. Which is more important to you? Your academic/professional reputation or dating? The fact that he's so much older than you makes it a bad idea even if weren't attending that college school. I don't know how much "much older" is to you, but even if it's only 10 years, the gap between 21 and 31 year olds is almost always too much for a healthy relationship. People those ages are simply at different stages in their life. And often, the younger person looks up to the older person, making the relationship unequal. The professor/student relationship makes that all the more likely. I would advise against it. Don't spend so much time around him and start hanging out with guys closer to your own age. After you graduate, if you decide that maybe you two are right for each other, you can always get back in touch with him. If you go through life worrying about what other people think, you're in for a sorry life. Poop on what people think. Besides, when people think about what you're doing they think about five seconds and move on. Most people who aren't losers have a lot more important things to do with their life and thinking time. We're talking about two people enjoying each other's company, here....we're not talking about preparing a wedding for gawd's sake!
crazy_grl Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 If you go through life worrying about what other people think, you're in for a sorry life. Poop on what people think. Besides, when people think about what you're doing they think about five seconds and move on. Most people who aren't losers have a lot more important things to do with their life and thinking time. I'm not talking about the opinions of some random person at the grocery store here. I care what other people who can have an affect on my career think. College is the start of your career and you just might have to work with the people you go to college with. It can also be a place to make connections: other students, other professors. Getting a reputation as someone who sleeps their way to success if not a good way to make an impression on people. If CoffeeKitten's feels dating takes priority over her career, then there's no problem with it. We're talking about two people enjoying each other's company, here....we're not talking about preparing a wedding for gawd's sake! She's talking about dating him, not just being friends. I didn't assume she was talking marriage in my response, but since you mention it, for all we know, CoffeeKitten could have marriage on her mind. I just don't see a reason to pursue a relationship that has the potential to cause problems. Why should it be a big deal to just wait until a more appropriate time to share each other's company (if they decide they still want to).
Pink Amulet Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Everyone has made some really great points. This conflict of interest could jeoporidise not only your course, but your entire degree. If a relationship was formed, and someone from your university were to find out (which they most likely would) on completion of the term, you may find your results will be declared null and void. Afterall, the marking criteria might be a bit off if you are giving the marker some ass If the age gap isn't a problem, don't worry about what others thing, just tell him to hold out on starting a realtionship until your studies are completed.
iron_m Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 He should have the university code of ethics in mind... It may be expresely prohibited to him to date students that are taking/took his class. I see it more his problem than yours.
Guest Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 One of the great perqs to being a prof is having an endless supply of young nubile lovelies, at least some of which will develop crushes/decide that sleeping with the prof is a great way to raise grades. For that reason alone, I'd never pursue a relationship with a prof. Everyone in my class knew which ladies slept with the profs.
Author CoffeeKitten Posted December 1, 2006 Author Posted December 1, 2006 Wow, I really appreciate all of the replies. Thanks for all of the insight. I'll try and answer your questions. Well, as far as age goes he is 53 which makes him 32 years my senior. No, I'm not currently in any of his classes. Actually, I'm not even in his faculty. I took one of his classes last term as an elective. What is all of this talk of marriage? I'm not that crazy yet. I just really enjoy his company.
iron_m Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 ... Well, as far as age goes he is 53 which makes him 32 years my senior. ... What is all of this talk of marriage? I'm not that crazy yet. I just really enjoy his company. See? that's why I want to finish my PhD and get a Faculty Position! God! I have just realized that I have a thesis to write!
crazy_grl Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Actually, I'm not even in his faculty. I took one of his classes last term as an elective. It doesn't matter if you're not in his class now. You took one of his classes, so it's going to look bad. Whether you were involved at the time you were in his class or not doesn't matter. People will speculate that you were and if it gets around to the wrong people, both of you could be in trouble. What is all of this talk of marriage? I'm not that crazy yet. I just really enjoy his company. I don't know why Tony T brought that up. Anyway, I suggest you enjoy the company of guys who aren't professors at your college and who are closer to your own age. I used to have a crush on a professor less than 3 years ago (when I was 21). He was probably around 30. I'm so glad I didn't do anything about it at the time. It would have been a mistake, not to mention cliche. Now I wonder why I had a crush on him anyway. There was nothing that great about the guy.
Green Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 I say you let that 53 year old man give it to you just like your craving for it!
IpAncA Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Why don't you wait until your done with college. If you do date him and things go badly, he can make your life a living he$$. Trust me it's not a good idea. But if you feel you should then go ahead.
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