Best Friends?

[forbidden fruit]

Why after we intiate NC and I allow my kids to play with his kids does he still say but you still are my best friend. Why do I feel betrayed by that comment? Should I end all contact with my kids and his kids. Is it possible to ever go back to being best friends before this whole thing started? The feelings right now are so open and deep that I want to shut him out completely!! Is that being selfish am I feelings getting in the way of what is best for my kids.

[GreenEyedLady]

It might be a good idea for you to shut him out completely, if that's what you feel...you need time to heal....the best interest of your kids is for their mother to be at peace, not full of turmoil...

[Jane Doe]

Why after we intiate NC and I allow my kids to play with his kids does he still say but you still are my best friend.

 

Because that's a tired, lame, worn out line that 99% of all married men say when the OW tries to break free. It's a transparent ploy to keep you hanging on. The reason you feel betrayed by that comment is because your common sense knows that it's a phony trick. Your heart just hasn't quite gotten up to speed yet.

[forbidden fruit]

I can't believe how excruciating this pain is!!I have to watch him because my mm is my neighbor put up christmas lights while his wife place her poinsetiias out. I had to walk in my house take a deep breath , then take a glass of wine . I called my friend crying and she said you have to be strong because you ended it . He would of liked nothing more to keep eating his cake as long as you played by his rules.

 

When does it get better when you have to see him everyday. Could he of moved on that easily? Especially after telling me last week he was in love with me and would figure things out. Then yesterday he said I was his best friend. I want him to feel the pain I am going through. I now understand how other single ow want to tell the wife.

 

As a married person if my hiusband was having a affair I would thank the ow for telling me so I did not have to spend the rest of my life with a cheat and the same goes for myself.

 

If he told his wife I would have noone to blame but myself. Men are such cowards they definately want the cake and eat it too. The best friend line was the straw that broke the camels back.

[GreenEyedLady]

Have you told your H? Was it a physical A?

[whichwayisup]

As a married person if my hiusband was having a affair I would thank the ow for telling me so I did not have to spend the rest of my life with a cheat and the same goes for myself.

 

Do you plan on telling your husband that you are having/had an affair with your MM neighbour? If he were cheating on you, you'd wanna know...So, why not tell your husband the truth and let him decide if he wants to stay married to you or not?

 

If he tells his wife about the affair, be sure she WILL tell your husband.

 

You both need to focus on your marriages. It's time to stop watching him and letting what he is doing affect you. Stop thinking about him, keep busy and put alot of energy into your husband and marriage.

[forbidden fruit]

no I have not told my husband. He knows we are best friends and he is friends with him too. My husband knows we were having a emotional affair . It did become physical. His wife is oblivious to both and does not suspect either. I can only imagine wha he said about me for her to believe nothing is going on. If I told my husband my husband would definately tell her . There are kids involved or I wold of told my husband and he would of told his wife. Not an excuse but a reality.

[forbidden fruit]

Easier said then done. No offense which way but your advice sounds very unfeeling and precanned. Do you have any empathy?

[whichwayisup]

Well, the reality of your situation should keep you and the MM neighbour away from eachother. You both have TONS to lose. And it's the kids who lose the most.

 

How does your husband feel about the emotional affair? Does it bother him?

[bonehead]

Easier said then done. No offense which way but your advice sounds very unfeeling and precanned. Do you have any empathy?

Actually very straight to the point, which is needed.

 

You would want to know so you could decide what steps to take correct?

[GreenEyedLady]

Easier said then done.

 

I know what you mean here...

 

However, you are married and have chosen to work on your M, right?

 

Are you in any type of MC or IC? IC will help you work out your feelings about the end of the A, which I am sure that you feel awful, world ending pain...

 

But, you are married and if you wish to remain so, you need to start thinking about making it up to your H...I'm not saying you have to reveal everything, but MC would probably really help you...you need to take the type of feelings you had for MM and turn them to your H...if you truly want to make your M work, you need to stop thinking about MM and start thinking about your H...

 

You chose him for a reason, right? Maybe you need to rediscover those reasons...

 

I know that you are in pain and I feel for you...

[whichwayisup]

Easier said then done. No offense which way but your advice sounds very unfeeling and precanned. Do you have any empathy?

 

I'm sorry that I'm coming off harsh. No excuse, but I'm about to get my 'you know what', so I'm feeling abit off tonight.

 

You've done the right thing by ending things with him. But now you gotta try your best to shut off your emotions. This could affect your marriage, and how you feel about your husband (if you haven't yet, go read inapanic's thread in the infidelity section) so maybe some one on one counselling would be a good thing for you. Therapy can help you get rid of the feelings for the MM and help you deal with the emotional fallout.

Change your way of thinking, and reacting when you see him. I'm sure one day you'll feel nothing for him and be glad for it.

[noforgiveness]

Easier said then done. No offense which way but your advice sounds very unfeeling and precanned. Do you have any empathy?

 

 

empathy?? You were having an affair with your friends husband and your neighbor AND YOU ARE MARRIED WITH CHILDREN.

 

Where is your remorse????? Where is your empathy for your husband? Your children?

How about YOUR FRIEND? or her children who are best friends with your kids?

 

What an absolute horrible mess you have made and you want empathy? I think you need to grow up and take responsibility for your actions and his which could lead to the destruction of two families.

 

You're going to whine that he is doing normal family things like putting up christmas lights? Are you not doing the same type of day to day things?

 

What is it you would like him to do? What is it you would like to happen?

[noforgiveness]

and yes that post was harsh but i think a good harsh wake up call is needed before both families are brought down and someone needs to sell their house.

[GreenEyedLady]

and yes that post was harsh but i think a good harsh wake up call is needed before both families are brought down and someone needs to sell their house.

 

Is there really a reason to beat someone down?! She's getting good advice without you coming in and judging her...

 

You seem to think that you can make people do what you want them to by being mean to them...

[noforgiveness]

Is there really a reason to beat someone down?! She's getting good advice without you coming in and judging her...

 

You seem to think that you can make people do what you want them to by being mean to them...

 

 

I am not being mean. I am telling her the truth. Shall I lie? Shall I say oh it's okay honey you chose to betray your family and your friend but it's ok.

what would be the purpose of that? She needs to see reality and know what her and the OM's actions have done not be painted a pretty little picture of oh but you love him crap.

 

This whole not judging is nonsense. People get judged for their actions and need to deal with it. You can't just do and take what you want without facing consequences. You are responsible for your actions and the repercussions of those actions whether you like to see that or not.

What she and the OM did was WRONG. No gray there. It was wrong to her family and his. Face it.

[noforgiveness]

oh and she knows how wrong she was. Her user name says it all.

Forbidden fruit. Yea well she chose to disregard that and is now facing the consequences. Unfortunately the children af two families will have to face her consequences too.

 

Can you imagine when these best friends find out the jimmy's dad was sleeping with mary's mom? Truly sad. Will change and haunt these friends and neighbors lives forever but oh the sex was so good and he said he loved me.

how did she expect this to work out? Seriously what is the OM supposed to do to make this right inher eyes? There could never be a happy ever after in this situation. The hurt parties are too close.

[PoshPrincess]

Why after we intiate NC and I allow my kids to play with his kids does he still say but you still are my best friend. Why do I feel betrayed by that comment? Should I end all contact with my kids and his kids. Is it possible to ever go back to being best friends before this whole thing started? The feelings right now are so open and deep that I want to shut him out completely!! Is that being selfish am I feelings getting in the way of what is best for my kids.

 

As someone else said, what's best for your kids is for you to be happy. All the time you're seeing MM you are mentally torturing yourself. I tried the 'friends' thing too and it hurt like hell. I thought it would be better than nothing but now I have moved on I can see how bad things really were. Anyway, I don't think your MM is thinking of the kids - seems to me like he is indirectly using them to get to you.

 

I don't think the bashing is doing any good. Some advie is harsh but fair, which is fine, but I think FF knows she has made a mistake and needs some support. When we intentionally get into these sitchs we all know deep down that what we are doing is selfish so no doubt you are probably only telling FF something she already knows.

 

FF, I really do think you should steer clear as much as possible. Not easy when you are neighbours, I know, and I guess it is a difficult one as if you cut contact it may look kind of obvious to his W and your H. Even the kids, depending on their ages, may pick up that something is not quite right. I don't envy you and the complications you have both got yourselves into. Just wish I could help. At least I never have to see my ex-MM again.

[Meaplus3]

Why after we intiate NC and I allow my kids to play with his kids does he still say but you still are my best friend. Why do I feel betrayed by that comment? Should I end all contact with my kids and his kids. Is it possible to ever go back to being best friends before this whole thing started? The feelings right now are so open and deep that I want to shut him out completely!! Is that being selfish am I feelings getting in the way of what is best for my kids.

 

Forbidden,

 

Now that all these feeling's are out between you two, it is highly unlikely that you can return to a friend status! I know cause I can't be friend's with MM anymore for the same reason's. As for your kid's and his kid's playing, again I am in the same boat and what I did was back them off a bit. Meaning that they are coming over to my house less and less. Call some of your kid's friends over from outside the neigborhood to keep them busy. You REALLY need to stick with NC if you want this to end before both of your lives are turned upside down.

 

AP:)

[GreenEyedLady]

I am not being mean. I am telling her the truth. Shall I lie? Shall I say oh it's okay honey you chose to betray your family and your friend but it's ok.

what would be the purpose of that? She needs to see reality and know what her and the OM's actions have done not be painted a pretty little picture of oh but you love him crap.

 

This whole not judging is nonsense. People get judged for their actions and need to deal with it. You can't just do and take what you want without facing consequences. You are responsible for your actions and the repercussions of those actions whether you like to see that or not.

What she and the OM did was WRONG. No gray there. It was wrong to her family and his. Face it.

 

You were being mean and unfeeling...no one said you have to lie, but can't you phrase things with the intent to help? There are other posters here who have shown her the reality without the intent of hurting her further...

 

Is Do not judge, lest you be judged nonsense? Yes, people are judged for their actions and the repercussions of those actions as part of the human existence...Yet she has come here for help, no matter that she already knows that she will be judged here, in this forum...Do you really think that you can judge her more harshly than she already judges herself...unlikely...

 

Most people try to help others, period...I don't know if you are actually trying to help others or you are just in pain and lashing out because of it...If you are trying to help in your own way, I have a little advice for you: people won't hear what you have to say, if you say it with poison...

[kymberann]

FF, sorry to hear of these difficulties. Keep coming here for support, regardless of some of the comments. At this point, what's done is done. None of us can go back and rectify the situation. I think i can honestly say that no matter how painful this whole aftermath of the "affair" has turned out to be I wouldn't change it, I wouldn't take it back, because somewhere there is value in it. I just haven't found it yet.

 

"oh and she knows how wrong she was. Her user name says it all.

Forbidden fruit. Yea well she chose to disregard that and is now facing the consequences"

 

None of us should be on here saying that another person "did wrong". Can anyone of us honestly say we haven't done wrong in one shape or form or another within our lifetime? I think not, to do wrong is to be human. That's how we learn.

 

FF you need to do what works for you. Remember this is just one aspect of your life. I know it has bearing on all the other parts, but don't let him string you along!

Best!

[kymberann]

I am not being mean. I am telling her the truth. Shall I lie? Shall I say oh it's okay honey you chose to betray your family and your friend but it's ok.

what would be the purpose of that? She needs to see reality and know what her and the OM's actions have done not be painted a pretty little picture of oh but you love him crap.

 

This whole not judging is nonsense. People get judged for their actions and need to deal with it. You can't just do and take what you want without facing consequences. You are responsible for your actions and the repercussions of those actions whether you like to see that or not.

What she and the OM did was WRONG. No gray there. It was wrong to her family and his. Face it.

 

 

NF I certainly hope you held your husband to these same standards when you found out about his affair!

[puddleofmud]

Not directed to any one, just an attention "getter":

 

"You know you are a red-neck when you stare at an orange juice can because it says "Concentrate(d)"

 

So your ex has a life does he? And now you are looking at this with a much different perspective? Forced to do so...

 

Well, its time to re-focus. CONCENTRATE on the Mother of these children that yours play with. Focus on her better traits. How would you as a MOTHER wish to be perceived?

Instead of "look at her putting out flowers" tell yourself how lovely of her to do that for her family, that she obviously loves her home.

Are her children adorable? Of course they are! Just as yours are adorable!

CONCENTRATE on what is great about her and don't compare yourself nor the relationship you had with her husband.

Try you best to humble yourself as a Mother and see if that doesn't help a little.

Best wishes!

[Romeo Must Die]

In my opinion, men already have friends in their life. Possibly even some best friends they share everything with, even their work buddies, including all the things their own wife or the other woman doesnt know. period. I have eavesdropped on things my husband said when he didnt know I was there, listening and taking notes.

 

But when there is a woman around, especially one that is/was a romantic interest, they are just seeking out a different kind of companionship with you as far as I'm concerned. He means girlfriend.

 

Besides, MM is your former lover and you cant go back to that innocent former relationship with him ever again. I'm also thinking that a secret friend is not honorable enough to qualify as a real friend. Its not even close to even being a best friend without some level of fakeness about that statement, given the situation.

 

MM keeps you hanging on when your best friend would tell you to stay away from him. My advice is if you want a friend, get one but not your MM neighbor ex lover. Its too complicated and it will keep you from discovering who you are and what you really want in life. I can bet its not this... settling for a meager (lame) friendship with MM when you wanted more.

 

[forbidden fruit]

I want to thank everyone for their advice. The hard to hear and the very supportive. I know that what I have done is wrong, but I still can't help the way I feel. I really do care about him alot because we were friend before the affair. I did the unthinkable today and broke NC only to be back where I started from. NC was agonizing . It is horrible to have him in my life and horrible not to. The pain is equal.

 

My mm says if he is around me he can't control his feelings. He loves me, but does not want to hurt both families. Why does he find it so easy to hurt me? He asked me where I wanted to move and I told him you could never follow through. Why does he want me to make the first move? What if I left my husband and everything and he decided not to leave.

 

It is true he is keeping me on a string. However, what do I really want from him. There is that little voice in my head that still does not trust him completely. He says I am the first, last and only affair he has had. However, I am saw him with a old girl friend today and they looked very cozy. If his wife saw what I saw she would of been pissed. I don't want to be with a man I could not trust 100% . I have called him on being a player and he denies and actually gets offended.

 

Being neighbors is making me crazy. I have to watch everything he does and vice versa. I think it is making both of us nuts. No ,we both are not moving now. What do you do after breaking NC. Now he wants to resume affair. Part of me wants to and the other part thinks there is way too much to lose and more hurt coming my way