Guest Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 I am thinking about leaving my husband of six years. I am 24 and he is 30. We have been together for nine years…so yes since I was 15. I have been unhappy and I think he is too. When I mention it to him he says “everything is fine and we will be okay”. But for me everything is not fine. I am not sure that I am in love with him. I mean I do LOVE him more then I think I could ever love someone else. I just do not see things getting better. We are not very intimate any more a lot has to do with his looking at porn and now I do not want to be intimate. I am because I feel like it is unhealthy not to. I don’t really enjoy it any more, at least not for the past two months. There is too much between us for me to get close. It breaks my heart. I am confused. I am not sure if I am in love with him or not. I want to be with him then I start to think about us and I get resentful and depressed and it takes away any joy I would have had once we are together. He had chosen porn over me and told me he would not stop because he has always looked at. It interferes with our plans to the point where we are supposed to do things but he gets so caught up in the porn that we have to delay going to dinner or a movie because he is late in getting ready. In the past he would look at porn like three times a week and we would only have sex one time a week. So I feel like he gets more enjoyment out of it. The only thing is that he tells me I am sexy and I am the best thing that has happened to him. Then he does or says something else that makes me feel the opposite. I do most of the cleaning and chores and he nags me if the house is a mess even though I work more hours then he does and he gets three days off a week. I do most of the chores so he has time to relax and I never nag him about the kitchen or laundry or anything. He is not supportive of my hobbies or my dreams; he tells me they are silly. He spends most of his time on the PC so I rarely get quality time with him with out asking. I do not understand why I even have to ask. I started to pressure him about our sex life because we only mad love like once a week, yet he still looked at porn and he was not able to keep an erection. We had a huge blow up where he said he could not get an erection because he felt to my pressure to perform and that he never wanted to have sex with me again because of it and wanted a divorce. When I told him I was okay with that he started to sing a different tune. I told him I did not want to have the same fights over and over again. That we might settle it now, but in 6 months or a year I did not want to be at the same place. He told me I would not be able to find someone better and I would be looking for someone like him. I said I would find someone better and he had to convince me to stay. So I know he was manipulating me which he often does. When we fight over something he did. HE turns it around and explains why he did or said what he did, he does not apologize. But now I feel like we are at the same cross roads again. I do not feel like he loves me even though he says it. I feel like I am more of an annoyance. Sometimes, I just want to start over a new life. I think I am too young for this; I do not want to waste our lives in a marriage that is not going to work. I also do not want to be a failure. I want him to be happy but I also have to put my self first and I am not happy. I spend so much time trying to love him trying to keep our relationship going. And I know this happens in relationships. There is just too much baggage for us to get close any more, too much baggage to carry that it is slowly suffocating our love for each other and who we really are. Our marriage has stopped blossoming and I can’t decide if I should commit more time and effort, if I should keep watering our marriage if we can’t get any sunlight because all this baggage is built so high it won’t let the sunlight in. My question is where do I go from here? How do I know if I am still in love with him? If I decide to leave, we have a house and bills…what do we do about those?
Recommended Posts