Catharsis Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 This is not true. The path of least resistance is to leave. Fixing the marriage is extremely difficult and loaded with problems it is painful for the betrayed spouse I'm sure but is excrutiating for the person who has strayed. It would be much easier to leave than to stay and actually see and experience the pain we have caused. I disagree. A divorce is much, much harder than just going through the motions, shedding a few crocodile tears, pretending to work on the M - until the waters calm and he'll do it again. By taking him back once, the BS sets the bar for the future. Why would it be "excrutiating" for the person who strayed? They already proved that they have no scrupels to cheat - especially if they got caught you can bet that the only reason they are remorseful is because they got found out. I will admit though that if a WS came clean without having been found out, that person may actually care about the M and honestly try to right things with the W. But all the ones that got caught and then act like they are full of regret are just using their well-rehearsed bull**** lines with the W. So they kiss up to the W for a while, and then they'll do it again a little while later. Much, much easier than going through the stress of a divorce, the splitting of the assets, the costs involved, the visitation schedule for the kids to be worked out, the alimony and child support to be paid, the move into a one-bedroom apartment, the loss of friends and family. No, "true love" doesn't keep these guys chained to their W - fear of the inconveniences and financial hardship will. That's why they cheat in the first place - keep the status quo and have some fun on the side. Doesn't sound like true love to me.
Trialbyfire Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 I disagree. A divorce is much, much harder than just going through the motions, shedding a few crocodile tears, pretending to work on the M - until the waters calm and he'll do it again. By taking him back once, the BS sets the bar for the future. Why would it be "excrutiating" for the person who strayed? They already proved that they have no scrupels to cheat - especially if they got caught you can bet that the only reason they are remorseful is because they got found out. I will admit though that if a WS came clean without having been found out, that person may actually care about the M and honestly try to right things with the W. But all the ones that got caught and then act like they are full of regret are just using their well-rehearsed bull**** lines with the W. So they kiss up to the W for a while, and then they'll do it again a little while later. Much, much easier than going through the stress of a divorce, the splitting of the assets, the costs involved, the visitation schedule for the kids to be worked out, the alimony and child support to be paid, the move into a one-bedroom apartment, the loss of friends and family. No, "true love" doesn't keep these guys chained to their W - fear of the inconveniences and financial hardship will. That's why they cheat in the first place - keep the status quo and have some fun on the side. Doesn't sound like true love to me. lol, assets over true love. Works both ways ladies.
bonehead Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Every situation is different. No one mold will fit every MM/MW OW/OM BW/BH
GreenEyedLady Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Alot of people here think that the opposite is true...I for one BH: agree with you...
GreenEyedLady Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 No, you're not nuts...but I think alot of people generalize about their situation and situations that they have heard of and then apply it universally... But everyone is different, and every situation is different...while there are similarities, that doesn't mean it's the same...
queenbee930 Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 I guess I'm a horse of a different color. I'm not going to spend all my time crying and getting mad at every OW in the world. That's pointless and time consuming. I don't know them and they don't know me. But if my husband did or ever does have an affair (PA) then I'm going for HIS OW. See I'm naturally an angry person. Was just born that way. Being a ticking tim bomb tends to make life difficult. So at an early age I had to learn to "curb my enthusiasm" so to speak. Which is how I became so vindictive. I'm the wife OW dread. I've told my husband unless he is willing to either enter into witness protection program or suffer horrible emotional and physical pain and do the same for his OW. But only if she knows about me, otherwise I have no bones w/ her. My H, on the other hand, well, he would suffer unimaginably. Steven Kings Misery gave me great ideas. I mean if you don't want to be with me tell me. I can take it. But I will not put up with that type of disrespect. But there is good news and of course bad news. The bad news is they would never find her body. The good news is she wouldn't be dead. I probably seem cruel, but I'm not. I understand my bounderies, limitations, and flaws better than anybody else. And one thing I've learned about myself is if I do the crime I'm more than willing to do the time.
erika2610 Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 I am really not angry. I am totally perplexed as to WHY. why a woman would want something that is just a little out of her reach. There are so many men why waste your time with one with HUGE baggage. You do sound like an angry person. While I thankfully haven't had any run ins with you, I looked at your past posts. You seem to lash out at OW quite a bit. But what you need to realize, is that WE are not your H's OW or ex-OW. There is no need to lash out at anybody here. Why don't you try being nicer, and maybe you will understand more. Before you lash out at people, you should try to understand them and where they're coming from. Don't attack and lash out at say, Priscilla, as if she were your H's OW. That's not fair to people. Understanding is the key. And Peacelove.. you started out this thread wanting this feud to end now, but from your comments, you don't seem to be trying at all. Ok - Ms. Erika is stepping off her soapbox now. I just hate to see all this arguing back and forth, when people should be trying to HELP each other.
frannie Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 There should be no fued, the conflict should be with Husband.. and for the OW the conflict should be with her MM I agree with this statement. On the other hand, we're dealing with realities here. And most BSs do see the OW as culpable, as someone who muscled in on her relationship. And a lot of OW see the W as someone who is hanging on to her H by her fingertips and refuses to let go. The thing is, that it's the man who did the chosing, and made all the decisions about who gets to know what, and what picture he paints of both relationships he's in to the W (if she finds out) and the OW. I think the angrier person, and the one with most questions, is going to be the W. Because she was the one kept completely in the dark about the situation and who had no choice whatever in what happened. Now whether those questions can be answered, and that anger dealt with best by talking to other women involved with other men is questionable. Evidently talking to OW helps some BSs come to terms with things. Other times there just seems to be a lot of simmering anger and veiled attack on OW. This board is for OW primarily, for help in their situations (whatever their aims, IMHO), and I think that most BSs on this board do a good job of keeping a lid on whatever negative feelings they have towards other women in affair situations.
Ripples Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 I really liked all of your post Frannie, but especially this: INow whether those questions can be answered, and that anger dealt with best by talking to other women involved with other men is questionable. For me, personally, I have been extremely tempted to vent at the OW on this board, to curse each and every one, simply because it's seemed like venting at the OW here is the next best thing to venting at the actual OW. It's felt that the OW here are the representation of my partner's OW. However, as much as I can't find compassion for the pain a woman goes through that arises from having a relationship with a married man, knowing he's married, I do think 'there but for the grace of God, go I'. Also, I feel there is no point in being angry at and wanting to hurt OW, even being angry at and wanting to hurt the OW. Simply because I believe that the hurt they are going through, the hurt they will go through, is more than I could ever inflict.
NoIDidn't Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Also, I feel there is no point in being angry at and wanting to hurt OW, even being angry at and wanting to hurt the OW. Simply because I believe that the hurt they are going through, the hurt they will go through, is more than I could ever inflict. I agree. Nothing I do is going to make me feel any better.
silktricks Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 whoops - posted this on the wrong thread - so I won't repeat it all.. The issue that I personally have had with some of the OW here at LS is that they become very protective of all OW's everywhere and invest all OW's with their own experiences (kinda the same way that BS's often seem to become angry with all OW's and invest all OW's with evil.). The problem is that some women (just like some men) really ARE predatory. Some women really DO seduce the man. Some OW's really are extremely persistent and won't quit even if the man tells them they are no longer interested. When a BS tells that story (even on the infidelity forum) she is often ridiculed by OW's. THAT is where some of the anger on these forums between OW and BS comes from (IMHO) And just like the OW who are on this forum are not the OW in the BS' lives, neither are the BS the BS' in the OW's lives. We all do need to keep that in mind.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 I disagree. A divorce is much, much harder than just going through the motions, shedding a few crocodile tears, pretending to work on the M - until the waters calm and he'll do it again. By taking him back once, the BS sets the bar for the future. Why would it be "excrutiating" for the person who strayed? They already proved that they have no scrupels to cheat - especially if they got caught you can bet that the only reason they are remorseful is because they got found out. I will admit though that if a WS came clean without having been found out, that person may actually care about the M and honestly try to right things with the W. But all the ones that got caught and then act like they are full of regret are just using their well-rehearsed bull**** lines with the W. So they kiss up to the W for a while, and then they'll do it again a little while later. Much, much easier than going through the stress of a divorce, the splitting of the assets, the costs involved, the visitation schedule for the kids to be worked out, the alimony and child support to be paid, the move into a one-bedroom apartment, the loss of friends and family. No, "true love" doesn't keep these guys chained to their W - fear of the inconveniences and financial hardship will. That's why they cheat in the first place - keep the status quo and have some fun on the side. Doesn't sound like true love to me. Bingo, you've said it exactly. Another thread started on the income of WS - about whether men who made more were more likely to stray. Didn't reply to that one at the time and I don't actually believe that they are more likely to stray. I do believe however that they are more likely to be serial cheaters or cakemen. Something that I have noticed is that it is incredibly common among these circles, half the wives know or suspect, not that they agree but they are put in a difficult situation. There is a definite lifestyle involved, most of these women are "stay at the country club" mom's. I do believe that it is much harder for THESE men to leave. They have alot to lose. Not only money, but power and status are also so very important to them. What I don't understand is why another woman would find this respectful. How could you love a man whom others view as a monster? A man whose life is all about smoke and mirrors.
pricillia Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 No, you're not nuts...but I think alot of people generalize about their situation and situations that they have heard of and then apply it universally... But everyone is different, and every situation is different...while there are similarities, that doesn't mean it's the same... that is true it is not all the same... similarities yes, but not the same. MM may put himself first in some cases. It is not all about the physical there is emotional as well, really enjoying the other person... bieng caring and loving...
Ripples Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 IWWH and C, I'm sure what you say is absolutely correct in many cases, however, I'm also pretty sure it doesn't cover all. I think that some men, once found out, actually realise for the first time how much their partner and the relationship means to them. They seem to need the wake up call of being caught and the potential risk of losing their wife as a consequence, before they are able to truly commit. Does that sound really screwed up? I suppose it might very well do. I suppose that I feel that nothing is black and white and no relationship is straight forward. Although men who have affairs seem to fall into one of several clearly defined categories, no theory is a given.
Spinderella Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 whoops - posted this on the wrong thread - so I won't repeat it all.. The issue that I personally have had with some of the OW here at LS is that they become very protective of all OW's everywhere and invest all OW's with their own experiences (kinda the same way that BS's often seem to become angry with all OW's and invest all OW's with evil.). The problem is that some women (just like some men) really ARE predatory. Some women really DO seduce the man. Some OW's really are extremely persistent and won't quit even if the man tells them they are no longer interested. When a BS tells that story (even on the infidelity forum) she is often ridiculed by OW's. THAT is where some of the anger on these forums between OW and BS comes from (IMHO) And just like the OW who are on this forum are not the OW in the BS' lives, neither are the BS the BS' in the OW's lives. We all do need to keep that in mind. I suppose it is just impossible for anyone to know. Probably alot of OW feel vilified and misunderstood, and so they would get defensive about these sort of statements that label them as predatory, even if the OW being discussed by that particular BW really is that type. I think that the OW really have to be aware that not being accepted by alot of society is a part and parcel of their relationship with MM. Realistically, I just cannot see the OW as a willing participent in an affair in many ways, because looking at the facts, would anybody really choose this relationship? Therefore, it really does make me wonder about what she was told to suck her into the situation, or what frame of mind she was in when she became involved.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Ripples, I completely agree that that is often the case. How many times does it take the death, or near death of a loved one or some other major life trauma to realize how much you had forgotten to appreciate the most important things in your life. Another example is how an addict has to hit rock bottom and lose everthing to become clean, and many do. I'll share a secret, that was my first "wish". My mom and best friend died 7 years ago but I always remember when we were small she would say to us when we would lament.. I wish this and I wish that... that if wishes were horses then pigs would ride.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 The issue that I personally have had with some of the OW here at LS is that they become very protective of all OW's everywhere and invest all OW's with their own experiences (kinda the same way that BS's often seem to become angry with all OW's and invest all OW's with evil.). The problem is that some women (just like some men) really ARE predatory. Some women really DO seduce the man. Some OW's really are extremely persistent and won't quit even if the man tells them they are no longer interested. When a BS tells that story (even on the infidelity forum) she is often ridiculed by OW's. THAT is where some of the anger on these forums between OW and BS comes from (IMHO) And just like the OW who are on this forum are not the OW in the BS' lives, neither are the BS the BS' in the OW's lives. We all do need to keep that in mind. Silktricks: The OW here are somewhat tightly knit and will defend each other...as friends would do... Maybe some women are predatory in the real world, but I don't think the majority here fall in that category... The anger comes from being hurt by the man you love...but it seems that it is displaced onto the OW here...and I am by no means saying everyone is angry and comes across that way, but there are those who do come across that way and make it personal... I keep the fact that the BS in my life is not on this forum, and I do not wish her or anyone on this forum any ill will..however, when I am attacked I will respond...
silktricks Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Silktricks: The OW here are somewhat tightly knit and will defend each other...as friends would do... Maybe some women are predatory in the real world, but I don't think the majority here fall in that category... I agree, I don't think the majority anywhere falls into the predatory category, but. . . as I said, the problem that I have had (and it was actually with people - one in particular - who I don't believe post here anylonger) was the total rejection that ANY woman could/would be predatory The anger comes from being hurt by the man you love...but it seems that it is displaced onto the OW here...and I am by no means saying everyone is angry and comes across that way, but there are those who do come across that way and make it personal... I think that was the point I was trying to make I keep the fact that the BS in my life is not on this forum, and I do not wish her or anyone on this forum any ill will..however, when I am attacked I will respond... I also keep in mind that the woman who made my life hell for over a year is not here. That I do not wish anyone on this forum ill will. But as you said, when attacked I will respond.
silktricks Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 By the way, I have asked my husband to no longer post on LS, as I discovered this morning that I am having a difficult time not rushing to his defense. So you probably won't see him back here.
frannie Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 I think that the OW really have to be aware that not being accepted by alot of society is a part and parcel of their relationship with MM. Realistically, I just cannot see the OW as a willing participent in an affair in many ways, because looking at the facts, would anybody really choose this relationship? Therefore, it really does make me wonder about what she was told to suck her into the situation, or what frame of mind she was in when she became involved. I don't even accept my OWN situation as being OK... why would other people think it's fine? It's not fine, it is not at all fine. But it is what it is and it has to change in some way - either he makes a choice or I make a choice to end it with him. I'm not a 'willing participant in an affair' as such, but I am a willing participant in a relationship with someone who is married. Not sure that makes any sense. I don't want it to be an affair, but I do want to be involved with him. IF he manages to get out of the marriage, great. If he doesn't, I won't be sticking around.
elmejor Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 no one has that fairytale. They have life. They have reality. The fairytale is insinuating yourself into someone elses reality and thinking that will become your fairytale. noforgiveness: Your constant blaming of the OW here is tiresome. What you are failing to understand is that PLENTY of married people, both men and women, DO fall in love with people other than their spouses, and divorce may or may not be the result. You are spinning your wheels here. You need to accept the reality that being married and having children with someone guarantees you nothing. If I love a man and he loves me, I WILL be with him, and no one will stop me. You keep demanding that ALL women in the world AVOID married men because they are "off limits." Look around you. It ain't gonna happen.
Ladyjane14 Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 The problem is that some women (just like some men) really ARE predatory. Some women really DO seduce the man. Some OW's really are extremely persistent and won't quit .... You need to accept the reality that being married and having children with someone guarantees you nothing. If I love a man and he loves me, I WILL be with him, and no one will stop me. Hmmm.... Guess you had a point there, Silk.
Author peacelove Posted December 1, 2006 Author Posted December 1, 2006 elmejor, Thank you, very well said!! PeaceLove
yousaveme Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 noforgiveness: Your constant blaming of the OW here is tiresome. What you are failing to understand is that PLENTY of married people, both men and women, DO fall in love with people other than their spouses, and divorce may or may not be the result. You are spinning your wheels here. You need to accept the reality that being married and having children with someone guarantees you nothing. If I love a man and he loves me, I WILL be with him, and no one will stop me. You keep demanding that ALL women in the world AVOID married men because they are "off limits." Look around you. It ain't gonna happen. Well said
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