CIE Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Hi all, thanks for reading my rant. Is it so much to ask? I just want someone to share life with. Someone I can try to cheer up when they've had a rough day, to talk to when I'm feeling down, to go out with and enjoy spending time with. As you all read this you must all be thinking : "Don't worry, you'll find the right one someday." A nice thought, but after 10 years of not even finding one who will go out on a date with me those words seem like a bitter joke on my expense. At first I though it might have been the fact that I was not confident enough. I'm shy by nature. All over these boards, articles and TV shows, people said they are attracted to someone who is confident. So I worked on it. I got a job working for a customer service center where everyday I was, and still am, confronted by disgruntled clients who would yell at me and insult me. It built up my confidence because I am no longer the shy guy hiding in class or who is to shy to start talking with someone I don't know. Yet when I come to ask them if they'd like to have coffee sometime they are all to busy, not interested or have boyfriends. "Plenty of fish in the pond" you will say, but I think someone dumped mercury in it. Building my confidence was not enough, I had to show myself I had a future too. For so long I had nothing to look forward to. So I got back into university and started working full time and worked my way up the ranks at the office. I bought a new car, started going to the gym and getting more active. So far I have been committed to those endeavors and have not flinched for the better part of a year. So now I have things to look forward to, I have a future and I am doing what I need to grasp it. But let me ask you, what is the point of a future if you have no one to share it with. My dream isn't to become a millionaire, I don't want to be a famous star or change the world and be known for centuries throughout history. My dream is to find a woman to love and who will love me back and to be a good husband and hopefully father. I seem like I'm getting ahead of myself, I don't expect to meet the perfect one right off the bat. Right now all I want is the chance to look for her. So I ask you, what am I doing wrong? Well thanks for reading my post. Feel free to comment, flame and advise at your discretion. S.
luvtoto Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 I guess you just have to put yourself out in the dating game. What steps are you taking to meet that special someone?
rina_r Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 It is hard to say because we dont really know you as a person. Why dont you ask your friends/parents the same question? They know you, they may give you some practical advice.
Author CIE Posted November 30, 2006 Author Posted November 30, 2006 Basically I have been looking in the places I find comfortable. Classmates, a Teacher's Assistant (she's about my age and I would always catch her glimpsing at me and smiling when I looked up), friends of friends I meet when we go to a bar/pub or other social event. I tried some online dating sites as well but none of them return any of the winks/smiles or whatever you want to call them. I'm not a big fan of clubbing, and I don't think I would meet the right kind of person there anyway. most of my coworkers are male, and the only women are much too old for me. I really liked the TA, she was always smiling, shy in a really cute way, not to mention she's really intelligent and good looking. She had just the right personality that I am interested in. Obviously, there is probably more depth to her personality than just what I could see on the surface, but since she said she was too busy I guess I'll never get to find out.
Author CIE Posted November 30, 2006 Author Posted November 30, 2006 It is hard to say because we dont really know you as a person. Why dont you ask your friends/parents the same question? They know you, they may give you some practical advice. I don't know if I would get a correct answer from them though. For example, my dad would probably say I'm too fat and am not tidy enough. I doubt women can guess how tidy my place is just by looking at me, as for being fat I did gain a little weight before I started going back to the gym, and I have not lost it all, but even when I use to practice figure skating 4 hours a day 5 days a week I was never really thin either. What you are saying is a good idea in general, but the women who I ask out would not have intricate knowledge of me. I would probably have chatted with them a bit, showed interest in what they were saying and carried some meaningful conversations with them. It's not a bad idea however, maybe ask one of my friends.
luvtoto Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 CIE, so how many women have you asked out in the last ten years??
Author CIE Posted November 30, 2006 Author Posted November 30, 2006 I haven't been keeping track. And like I said I use to be very shy and lacking in confidence. I would say probably around 30-40. Ever since I've been working on my my shyness I've asked 1-2 per month. Just people I was interested in and wanted to get to know a bit better.
luvtoto Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Ever since I've been working on my my shyness I've asked 1-2 per month. Well, first question. How long has it been since you've overcome your shyness? Second question...have you had any long term relationships...ever?
Author CIE Posted November 30, 2006 Author Posted November 30, 2006 Overcome, about 6 months. Serious relationship? I've been in one if you can call it that. Was a LDR which turned out to be complete bull.
dgiirl Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 But let me ask you, what is the point of a future if you have no one to share it with. First of all, the point of a future is not dependant on any specific person involved in our lives, but what we ourselves do with our lives. People will come and go throughout our lives, and if you think the only point of a future is for a specific person, then when that person leaves, due to death or whatever, we're left empty. Also, we cannot control who comes and leaves out of our lives. We can only control ourselves. And I think this is what is causing you such unhappiness, and when you are unhappy, we become desperate for what we want, and rarely will that come to us when we are desperate. So it's a catch 22. We think having someone in our lives will make us happy, and that person wont come into our lives until we ARE happy. Try and let go of the search and importance of finding someone. Instead work on your own happiness. Do find a purpose for your future not so dependent on who's involved in it, but what you can do for others. After doing all that, then get involved with groups and try meeting new people just for the experience of meeting people. Dont get so attached to the possibility of meeting a love interest. Let that happen naturally.
luvtoto Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Overcome, about 6 months. Serious relationship? I've been in one if you can call it that. Was a LDR which turned out to be complete bull. Sometimes, it seems like such bull to overcome something in our lives, and still have no results. Believe it or not, I am not sure if you are familiar with any of my posts...but, I used to be a very dependent person. Years later, I am a very happy, independent woman. Took lots of work to get me there. Just like the work you've done to improve yourself. You seem very motivated. Now, that I have this new outlook on life, I still can't find a guy that I can be with. *sigh* Not that I ain't trying!! haha. I've become a bit of a serial-dater. So, anyway, my point is it has nothing to do with who we are. Don't take being single personally. I don't.
Author CIE Posted November 30, 2006 Author Posted November 30, 2006 dgiirl - You might find this odd but I agree 99% with what you are saying. But I think you misunderstand what I am trying to say, or I communicated it badly, probably the latter. I have been trying to find happiness outside of love. Its why I started working and went back to school. I wanted to better myself and become more than I was and not feel worried that I would end up homeless. I'm generally happy with all the changes I have made in my life, if only that I have less spare time to myself now. The 1% where I disagree is where you say "Let that happen naturally.". That is why I have been unhappy. I use to think everything could be handed out on silver platters, a nice future with a neat little ribbon wrapped around. At some point I realized my happiness depended on only one thing. Me. I have to take, or at the very least ask for what I want. Nobody will hand it over to me with white gloves and a British accent. It doesn't mean I will force myself or push too hard. It just means I'm not going to wait around, hands in my pocket, for something to happen. I get that something going, and if it's a no go then let's move on. My ranting aside however, I know what you are saying, just be who you are and be happy with yourself. And I agree with that. I'm not saying that I need someone else to be happy. If you were to ask me what the meaning of life is though I would answer that for me, its to have a someone to share my life with. The big reason I posted and vented so much is that I really liked that TA, damnit! luvtoto - I did read some of your posts, like the current guy you are with. I'd say you'd have a keeper if only he could take a hint and not be quite so affectionate. I'm an affectionate guy too, and I can see myself not being afraid to show it. But if my girl told me it was making her uncomfortable I would try to at least back off. As for the cuddling with you while you two are in bed, he probably doesn't even notice it. No matter how far away I throw my pillows I always wake up holding one on me in the morning
HeadlessZebra Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Um, I really don't know how to say this without sounding like a kunt, and of course I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings here, but you (OP) came to an advice forum so you should expect honesty, so... I don't think that most women would really be thrilled about the prospect of dating an overweight, socially awkward guy who works in customer service. It's just a worst-case scenario all around. The problem is... everything. Eat healthy and set up shop at the gym... seek training for a more attractive job... get some interesting hobbies... do something! The problem isn't your approach, I'm sure. You seem to be doing the exact same thing that many successful daters do. There's not a thing you can do on that note, at this point, since you're already asking out a good volume of women. The only thing you can do is improve your personal attractiveness.
rina_r Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 I don't think that most women would really be thrilled about the prospect of dating an overweight, socially awkward guy who works in customer service. It's just a worst-case scenario all around. The problem is... everything.. I agree with that. I wanted to say the same but thought it would be rude.
Road Rage Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 CIE This type of thread is difficult but would be immensely easier to actually see you in action. But a few thoughts. Consider the things you can change. Lose weight, upgrade clothes, make sure you don`t have body odor or bad breath, etc.... Take a close look at what is going on with yourself and make sure you are not caught up in self sabatoge. I saw a guy in a nightspot one time going around with cut off jeans and combat boots on asking women to dance. And then be pissed when he got no takers. Lower your standards. Big women need loving too. This alone is probably you single greatest mistake. Setting your standard too high for what you have to offer.
luvtoto Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 CIE, it doesn't have to do with being good looking or being eye candy to a woman. But, you seem like an intelligent man. I am sure you already realize that.
HeadlessZebra Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Consider the things you can change. Lose weight, upgrade clothes, make sure you don`t have body odor or bad breath, etc.... Lower your standards. Big women need loving too. Yes, I totally agree. CIE, how's your wardrobe? If you're looking slick and stylish, women will sometimes overlook some extra weight because it looks like you take care of your appearance. Same goes for haircut, etc. Looking drab or dorky is a surefire way for you to get turned down. Out of curiosity, do you live with your parents? I thought you might because you said you only recently got a job. You know women don't like guys who live with their parents... except for major extenuating circumstances, they'll brand you a loser... And what kind of women are you hitting on? Everyone needs to date within their realm of possibility... you might be more successful if you look for someone who matches your appearance, status and situation.
luvtoto Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 I dated a guy a while back, that dressed like he still lived in the 80's. He said that he didn't like dressing like most guys do. He just appreciates his "differentness". He was confident. That's what I liked about him.
HeadlessZebra Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 He just appreciates his "differentness". He was confident. That's what I liked about him. Yes, and confident guys can do that. They can pull it off because they're naturally confident and it shows. It doesn't work in reverse.
Road Rage Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 The last thing CIE needs to be thinking about now is being different in the sense of clothes and such. First, you have to grasp common ground and the things that attract women and then you can express your individual nature according to how well women accept you. In fact, some of the all time greatest Duan Juan`s have suggested to only shope for clothes with a woman and let her chose for you.
luvtoto Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 The last thing CIE needs to be thinking about now is being different in the sense of clothes and such. Yes, I agree.
Yamaha Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 If a women likes you the clothes won't matter. She will see you as a project and make it her mission to dress you better. I would say your lack of success is either looking to needy or wanting someone beyond your station. It's fine to look for an attractive women but are the women your asking giving you any indication of interest?
luvtoto Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 If a women likes you the clothes won't matter. She will see you as a project and make it her mission to dress you better. I would say your lack of success is either looking to needy or wanting someone beyond your station. It's fine to look for an attractive women but are the women your asking giving you any indication of interest? Ya know...seeing a guy all decked out in his Abercrombie and Fitch, kinda says something about the guy. Especially if he is not confident in his own skin, it will show.
HeadlessZebra Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Ya know...seeing a guy all decked out in his Abercrombie and Fitch, kinda says something about the guy. Especially if he is not confident in his own skin, it will show. Abercrombie and Fitch, well, that would be silly. I was thinking more along the lines of well-groomed and wearing clean, well-cut matching outfits, versus cut-off bermuda shorts, a hawaiian shirt and hiking boots.
Author CIE Posted December 1, 2006 Author Posted December 1, 2006 Thanks for all the posts, sorry I have not replied I was actually in an exam after I got off from work. First someone mentionned me taking something the wrong way. Like you said it's an advice forum and I do value honesty so I won't begrudge you anything you say unless it's completely out of line. Let me give you a bit more info, alot of the posts made sense but I want to clarify a few things. First althouh I mentionned I had some extra weigth i am nowhere near overweight. I do look like I have a few extra pounds, and I've already mentionned I am going to the gym. As for my dress style I don't think I dress badly. Nothing fancy or flashy, things I feel comfortable wearing that I think make me look good when I look in the mirror. I guess the oddest thing I wear is my coat. Leather long coat, usually with a dark gray scarf. Most of my shirts are usually white or pale colors and my pants usually gray or dark blue, I personally think it's a nice contrast. I started wearing the coat because Its something the older me would have never done, I always thought it looked too matrixy so I never wore it. I decided to wear it one night out of the blue and one of my bud's girlfriend said it looked nice on me, so I've been wearing it since. As for my hair and smell I think those aren't a problem. Daily showers, brush and floss, hairgel, shaving, perfume all that stuff. As for my job, first let me say I am not that old. I'm 24 and obviously still in school. I still live with my parents, have no real desire to get out of the house . Thought about it a few times but looking at rents around here doesn't really inspire me. Although I started on customer service, and quite often still do it, my job now has move to more of a technician. For all you computer guys out there I basically build rackmount servers, build machines for special clients, and when the other two guys who answer the phone get too much work I help them out. I started out like them about 10 months ago, and recently we started getting bigger contracts. Pending a signature from a big client, I will be promoted to project manager and will manage about 10 employees. I've been there a year, the two guys on the phones have been around for at least two. I have the skill, know how and drive to get farther, and I'm glad my boss can see that, even if he still wants me to answer the f'ing phones Seems like I'm selling my salad here but just giving you all more info. When it comes to looking for someone beyond my station, please give me more info on that. Do you mean someone who's too cute for me, too intelligent. I wont say wrong age cause I aim for people who are about my age. Anyway, end of another long winded post. Did you guys seriously read all that?
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