PollyPocket Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 I have a question for all the other woman. Do you think we as wives deserve you cheating with our husbands? If I dont sleep with my husband isnt that my choice and for him and I to deal with. You all seem very proud to be with them. Maybe you are all sex addicts along with the husbands.
yousaveme Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Instead of asking questions...If the marriage is that bad...Maybe its over and you should find your happiness somewhere else.
peacelove Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Instead of asking questions...If the marriage is that bad...Maybe its over and you should find your happiness somewhere else. Or you can ask your husband if he thinks you deserve to be treated this way. I'm sure he has all the answers you need.
herenow Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 I have a question for all the other woman. Do you think we as wives deserve you cheating with our husbands? If I dont sleep with my husband isnt that my choice and for him and I to deal with. You all seem very proud to be with them. Maybe you are all sex addicts along with the husbands. Hi PollyPocket. As much as I understand what you are saying, the responses you get may make you angrier that you already are. It is very painful finding out your husband has been with another woman. I know when I found out I literately felt like I was dying. My dreams had been sucked out beneath me. Most here won't understand that because they have not been there. You and I will never trully understand how they could do what they did, but you can get some understanding here if you want to. You will find that there are some OW here that do regret what they have done. We can only hope that others will listen to their stories.
Author PollyPocket Posted November 30, 2006 Author Posted November 30, 2006 I really want to know what she wants. I'm sure that he has told her everything about me. And our relationship. She seemed to know alot. And it was true. Is it just a sex thing?
herenow Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Also, yes I completely agree with you that you and your husband should be the only ones dealing with the issues in your marriage. I don't mean to assume that your husband had an affair. You did not say that, so I'm sorry if I assumed incorrectly. But, if he did, please deal with him first and foremost. The OW is nothing to you. Don't give her more of your marriage than your husband already has. This is assuming that you want to stay married and assuming he cheated.
Author PollyPocket Posted November 30, 2006 Author Posted November 30, 2006 Also, yes I completely agree with you that you and your husband should be the only ones dealing with the issues in your marriage. I don't mean to assume that your husband had an affair. You did not say that, so I'm sorry if I assumed incorrectly. But, if he did, please deal with him first and foremost. The OW is nothing to you. Don't give her more of your marriage than your husband already has. This is assuming that you want to stay married and assuming he cheated. I posted my story on Infidelity...
herenow Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 I really want to know what she wants. I'm sure that he has told her everything about me. And our relationship. She seemed to know alot. And it was true. Is it just a sex thing? Sorry, I was posting at the same time as you were. Could be a sex thing. The truth is, only your husband can answer that question, An affair is usually about what is missing in the MM. The big question is "do both of you want to fix your marriage?" If so, let the OW go, you have no use for her. Who cares what she wants? I came here to try and understand the OW so that I can let her go. I'm still working on my own advice. It's a long road, don't expect a quick fix. I'm not sure how long you have known, but from what I hear it could take years.
frannie Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 I really want to know what she wants. I'm sure that he has told her everything about me. And our relationship. She seemed to know alot. And it was true. Is it just a sex thing? Was it just a sex thing for your H and this OW? How would anyone but her (and him) know that? Affairs differ. To answer your original question, as an OW: No, I don't believe anyone deserves to be cheated on. It's a disgraceful act and a betrayal of trust. No one deserves that kind of pain. Whether or not you have sex with your husband is obviously your (and his) business. The fact that you might not have sex as often as he wants it is no excuse for him to get it elsewhere. Absolutely not. Where the line gets fuzzy is that is is understandable (to me) that someone might go looking elsewhere if they are constantly facing unmet needs. I don't think I'm a sex addict, but I certainly enjoy it. I would have thought that the extent to which people enjoy sex is a continuum, and it is a good plan to find yourself a partner who matches one in level of desire. My affair isn't all about sex. We have spent months not even seeing each other, but we really miss it when we can't have conversation. It's basically about intimacy and sharing. Sometimes that's physical, most of the time it's not. You might find that some of the 'pride' and bravado you see on this board comes from OW feeling somewhat attacked for their relationships on here. When we're not feeling so attacked, we're not so likely to sound full of ourselves.
slave2love Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 I've been on both sides of the fence. At first I was in your shoes, my husband cheated on me 6 years ago. It took me a long time to get over it and for him he swears it was just physical. At that time I spoke with the OW...I needed to understand. I found out that she was lied to as well. My H told the OW we were seperated and he was waiting for me to file for divorce. We were having troubles in our marriage but divorce was never even talked about. She was shocked to learn this. Most OW aren't out there to be a homewrecker. The are lied to all along just like the W is lied to. The MM tell these women anything they think they want to hear. OW get sucked into the romance of it all, thinking that the W must be terrible because this MM is so wonderful! Here's the thing...ususally in the case of infidelity none of the parties involved are bad people at all. The W certainly doesn't deserve the pain of her H having an affair. The OW doesn't deserve the pain of the false promises and lies either. The MM is missing something in his life, if he feels ignored, unappreciated or lonely (sometimes every day life and children take place of the attention he gets from his W) he needs to feel needed, worth while, desired. He meets OW who fills those voids. This doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or would ever leave you...quite the opposite is ususally true. Both MM and OW do feel guilty...especially when the W finds out about the Affair. In my case I was sucked in by a MM who happened to be an ex bf. He said everything I needed to hear, he gave me the things I was lacking in my marriage...romance, passion etc. I felt guilty the entire time, more for his W than my H because a part of me felt like but felt I deserved the happiness this MM brought me. MM had me believeing that we were meant to be and that we never should have broken up in the first place. Given the history of my marriage I believed his every word. This wasn't someone I had just met...I didn't sleep with him to get back at my H, I fell in love again and thought he had too. Two wrongs don't make a right but I can view it in so many different lights now. The MM choses the W most of the time. My H chose me over the OW. Says he still feels guilty to this day...can't watch movies about cheating etc. M counciling will help you both especially with trust issues. It takes time to heal from the hurt this has caused for everyone. Truthfully the OW is the biggest losser in the situation. She gets the rug pulled out from under her, this MM that she is in love with choses his W. The OW is left feeling like she never mattered, she feels used and rejected. I'm not saying that the W should feel sorry for the OW just understand that she is human too.
pricillia Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 I have a question for all the other woman. Do you think we as wives deserve you cheating with our husbands? If I dont sleep with my husband isnt that my choice and for him and I to deal with. You all seem very proud to be with them. Maybe you are all sex addicts along with the husbands. Polly, I understand why you feel this way but out of the group of threads of most of the OW that I connect with none of them are proud to be in this situation... It seems as if you are implying that they went into there situations with bells and whistles. That is not the case,Most of the OW here are frustrated beyond belief... I hope that you are not emplying that we go after your husbands like a call girl on the street corner... and even then the husband goes looking... Please do not treat your situation whatever it is like all..
herenow Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Was it just a sex thing for your H and this OW? How would anyone but her (and him) know that? Affairs differ. To answer your original question, as an OW: No, I don't believe anyone deserves to be cheated on. It's a disgraceful act and a betrayal of trust. No one deserves that kind of pain. Whether or not you have sex with your husband is obviously your (and his) business. The fact that you might not have sex as often as he wants it is no excuse for him to get it elsewhere. Absolutely not. Where the line gets fuzzy is that is is understandable (to me) that someone might go looking elsewhere if they are constantly facing unmet needs. I don't think I'm a sex addict, but I certainly enjoy it. I would have thought that the extent to which people enjoy sex is a continuum, and it is a good plan to find yourself a partner who matches one in level of desire. My affair isn't all about sex. We have spent months not even seeing each other, but we really miss it when we can't have conversation. It's basically about intimacy and sharing. Sometimes that's physical, most of the time it's not. You might find that some of the 'pride' and bravado you see on this board comes from OW feeling somewhat attacked for their relationships on here. When we're not feeling so attacked, we're not so likely to sound full of ourselves. PollyPocket, Maybe you will get some understanding of what the OW wants from the OW here. I wish you luck in getting the answers you need. I have found that this is a two way street. If you are respectful, you will get the respect you want and the info you need. You don't have to agree and by all means don't hesitate to say how you feel. I'll be happy to help you in any way I can. I'll be back later.
bo123 Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 She gets the rug pulled out from under her, this MM that she is in love with choses his W. The OW is left feeling like she never mattered, she feels used and rejected. For me, I filled his need and he filled mine. At the end, A hurts everyone. I'm still numbed from this whole experienced. Which I can say that I will NEVER do this again. Out of the A, we have a child. I'm still trying to sort all this out. The above statement is so true.
bonehead Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 I have a question for all the other woman. Do you think we as wives deserve you cheating with our husbands? If I dont sleep with my husband isnt that my choice and for him and I to deal with. You all seem very proud to be with them. Maybe you are all sex addicts along with the husbands. No a spouse does not deserve to be cheated on. Very seldom does it have to do with SEX!!! Has a lot more to do with self esteem, or ego issues. Sex is just how alot of men address those issues.
Adunaphel Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 I have a question for all the other woman. Do you think we as wives deserve you cheating with our husbands? It is interesting how you phrased your thought: "deserve you cheating with our husband" instead of "deserve out H cheating on us with you". Anyway, in either case the answer is no. Nobody deserves to be cheated on and lied to. If I dont sleep with my husband isnt that my choice and for him and I to deal with. The real problem is that your H chose to deal with it in his own, very wrong way. I have read you post in the infidelity forum, I am sorry that you are in such a situation. Even if you both feel you do not love each other, there are so many other, more honorable ways to deal with the situation. From discussing it with you, to suggesting the possibility of having an open marriage. But he chose the easy way out - lying, engaing in a relationship behind your back and playing the role of the nice H. You all seem very proud to be with them. Maybe you are all sex addicts along with the husbands. Most OW are not after the sex. And like bonehead said, it usually isn't about the sex for the wandering H either. Funnily enough, the ones who are merely after the sex (or should I rather say the excitement of the chase) are usually the ones who get plenty of sex at home.
silktricks Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Hi all, I'd like to chime in on this thread. Please remember that everything I say is my opinion only, even if it sounds like I'm talking universally!! For most married people (MW or MM) who choose to have affairs, it is because some of their needs are not being met in their marriage. They are not terrible people, they just are unhappy. Most BS's are also in pain for any number of reasons, and that is why they are not meeting the needs of their spouses. In other words, there are problems in the marriage that are not being dealt with appropriately by either party. I would venture to guess that many OW/OM are also unhappy for one reason or another, and that is why they are willing to be in a relationship with a MP (at least I know that was the case for me.) Anyway, the MP meets (or sees with new eyes) another person who seems friendly, happy, carefree, all of the things that they are not currently experiencing at home. This person is both interested and interesting. Often the MP still loves their spouse, but needs to feel important/loved/etc. When OW say that the wives should take better care of their husbands, this is (I believe) where they are coming from. Meanwhile the BS is also unhappy. Their needs are not being met either. (Remember, it's the marriage that is having problems). They are continuing on, knowing that there are problems, but figuring that soon things will be back to the way they used to be. Sometimes they even beg their spouse to go to marriage counseling to try to fix things (sorry, honey, but the truth's the truth). When the BS find out that their spouse has been frolicking around with someone else, to elimiate their pain, while the BS has been in the same amount of pain - and has dealt with it differently, it is a double whammy. Most OW (I believe) are not trying to hurt anyone, they are also simply trying to be happy, with someone who is telling them in many ways that they are available. The issue that I personally have with many/some of the OW here is that they become very protective of all OW's and invest all OW's with their own experiences (kinda the same way that BS's often seem to become angry with all OW's and invest all OW's with evil.). The problem is that some women (just like some men) really ARE predatory. Some women really DO seduce the man. Some OW's really are extremely persistent and won't quit even if the man tells them they are no longer interested. When a BS tells that story (even on the infidelity forum) she is often ridiculed by OW's. THAT is where some of the anger on these forums between OW and BS comes from (IMHO)
GreenEyedLady Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 I have a question for all the other woman. Do you think we as wives deserve you cheating with our husbands? If I dont sleep with my husband isnt that my choice and for him and I to deal with. You all seem very proud to be with them. Maybe you are all sex addicts along with the husbands. Why not try looking at this with a different perspective: Do you think OW deserve your H pretending to be single/available? What you do or don't do with your H is not my concern or business, that is between you and him... I am in love with a man...I developed a R with him and it wasn't until sometime (a long time) later that I found out he was married...I chose to stay for my own reasons... I wouldn't kid myself though that A's are just about sex...some are, many are not... I am sorry for your pain...it shows through that you are hurting...but striking out at the OW here isn't going to make you feel any better...
climbergirl Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Why not try looking at this with a different perspective: Do you think OW deserve your H pretending to be single/available? Absolutely right on one condition-- if the affair was started and continued under the pretense that this mm/mw is not married. If not, then each has equal culpability in betrayal. This man/woman has children, has a mortgage, family obligations/holidays, daily minutiae, and took vows with another man/woman. I don't think that OW or MM are bad people-but I do think that mm/mw who continue with a long standing affair have extremely poor judgement and empathy-and only continue for self-serving purposes. People make mistakes, but I think it shows a lot of character to get out of the situation by either ending the affair, or ending the marriage. Quite frankly, I place most blame on the married person. They can be quite convincing. And I think their inability to make an absolute decision is because they are getting benefits from both relationships. And looking from all perspectives, they (married person) are the only ones who benefit.
puddleofmud Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 NO ONE and I do mean NO ONE should ever supply intimate knowlege about someone to another. Whether this be your best friend, your sister or one's partner to a third party. I am highly disgusted by people who do that and I will let them know in a mili-second that I will not listen and I do not hesitate to bite an ear when this is done within a group situation. Excuse me if I may be perceived as arrogant; in my lowly opinion this shows a lack of taste, class and intelligence. One should have better things to discuss.
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