alphamale Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 I guess the difference there is that in societies with arranged marriages, the thinking and the expectations are completely different. People don't have this ideal of romantic love in India or other places where marriages are arranged as we do in the West or even some parts of the East nowadays. Being of Indian background I can tell you they marry more for objective reasons vs. subjective reasons. They marry for money, companionship, to have kids, to meld two families, for security, blah blah blah...And the couples are very well matched by the parents. For example, the best looking girls get to marry the most highly educated men (the doctors and lawyers). The average girls get to marry the average men, etc. The skanks marry the loser dudes...
amerikajin Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 Being of Indian background I can tell you they marry more for objective reasons vs. subjective reasons. They marry for money, companionship, to have kids, to meld two families, for security, blah blah blah...And the couples are very well matched by the parents. For example, the best looking girls get to marry the most highly educated men (the doctors and lawyers). The average girls get to marry the average men, etc. The skanks marry the loser dudes... You know of any arranged marriages that didn't work out?
alphamale Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 You know of any arranged marriages that didn't work out? very few, maybe less than 5%
amerikajin Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 Can you hook me up with a hot Bollywood chick?
alphamale Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 Can you hook me up with a hot Bollywood chick? dude...if I knew any I'd be hooking up with them myself
bab Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 I don't think you should ditch him yet. Most relationships have their ups and downs in the passion department, and when in a down you learn how to get back to the up a quickly as possible. So, just work on those techiniques. For me it takes really appreciating what my husband does for me on a daily basis. Don't concentrate on what he doesn't have, but think about everything he does for you. Think about his smile, his laugh, and specific things about him that make you smile. It's quite possible that you can create the passion.
Author HeadlessZebra Posted December 2, 2006 Author Posted December 2, 2006 But I don't know...there is such a thing as loyalty. Headlesszebra, do you think it's possible to remain loyal to someone you don't have the hots for all your life? I can't speak of 'all my life' because I haven't lived it out yet. But I do know that I've stayed loyal to him so far and he does make me very happy. Maybe I'm even tired of the chaotic unfulfilling romances of before and maybe the thing I want most is peace, even though I can't appreciate it right now. The grass is always greener, you know... I'm eventually gonna need a break. I spoke to him of taking a trip out to Cuba for a few months next year so I can study classical guitar with some of the masters down there. I would be going alone, or perhaps with a good photographer friend of mine who travels a lot. The point is I think I didn't get enough time for soul-searching and adventure between him and the last relationship I had, and the result has been major claustrophobia. Something's gotta give. And he knew it, I told him from the get-go that I'd been planning and needing a few months, a year, whatever, away from everything, alone. He always understood, and this morning when I brought up the subject again and told him my plans, he still understands. That, to me, tells me he is one-of-a-kind and I should never let him go. Instead of leaving him, I'll get the wanderlust out of my system in that way next year and everybody wins. Because I really can't imagine life without him. At the very least, it's worth a shot.
alphamale Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 I can't speak of 'all my life' because I haven't lived it out yet. <<==== Hey HZ...look, I'm a Zebra too ....and I'm 4 posts away from 14,000
Author HeadlessZebra Posted December 2, 2006 Author Posted December 2, 2006 <<==== Hey HZ...look, I'm a Zebra too ....and I'm 4 posts away from 14,000 Well keep 'em coming, then! Almost there.
amerikajin Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 <<==== Hey HZ...look, I'm a Zebra too ....and I'm 4 posts away from 14,000 You're the Barry Sanders of LS - only you haven't retired yet. Your closing in on the all-time record set by moimeme. Keep goin'.
alphamale Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 You're the Barry Sanders of LS - only you haven't retired yet. Your closing in on the all-time record set by moimeme. Keep goin'.
amerikajin Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 I can't speak of 'all my life' because I haven't lived it out yet. But I do know that I've stayed loyal to him so far and he does make me very happy. Maybe I'm even tired of the chaotic unfulfilling romances of before and maybe the thing I want most is peace, even though I can't appreciate it right now. The grass is always greener, you know... I'm eventually gonna need a break. I spoke to him of taking a trip out to Cuba for a few months next year so I can study classical guitar with some of the masters down there. I would be going alone, or perhaps with a good photographer friend of mine who travels a lot. The point is I think I didn't get enough time for soul-searching and adventure between him and the last relationship I had, and the result has been major claustrophobia. Something's gotta give. And he knew it, I told him from the get-go that I'd been planning and needing a few months, a year, whatever, away from everything, alone. He always understood, and this morning when I brought up the subject again and told him my plans, he still understands. That, to me, tells me he is one-of-a-kind and I should never let him go. Instead of leaving him, I'll get the wanderlust out of my system in that way next year and everybody wins. Because I really can't imagine life without him. At the very least, it's worth a shot. It's good that he's flexible with you. I guess the question I have is, are you going to use that flexibility to get separation from him, or are you going to reward him with loyalty?
Author HeadlessZebra Posted December 2, 2006 Author Posted December 2, 2006 It's good that he's flexible with you. I guess the question I have is, are you going to use that flexibility to get separation from him, or are you going to reward him with loyalty? I'm going to 'use' it to get some breathing room, but no, if you're asking would I betray him, I would never do that. Depends on what you mean by loyalty. If you mean am I going to reward him by clinging onto him like a barnacle... sorry, I can't. It wouldn't be fair to him or me, I'd go nuts and out relationship would deteriorate and he'd suffer. I do need room at this point.
Trialbyfire Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 I can't speak of 'all my life' because I haven't lived it out yet. But I do know that I've stayed loyal to him so far and he does make me very happy. Maybe I'm even tired of the chaotic unfulfilling romances of before and maybe the thing I want most is peace, even though I can't appreciate it right now. The grass is always greener, you know... I'm eventually gonna need a break. I spoke to him of taking a trip out to Cuba for a few months next year so I can study classical guitar with some of the masters down there. I would be going alone, or perhaps with a good photographer friend of mine who travels a lot. The point is I think I didn't get enough time for soul-searching and adventure between him and the last relationship I had, and the result has been major claustrophobia. Something's gotta give. And he knew it, I told him from the get-go that I'd been planning and needing a few months, a year, whatever, away from everything, alone. He always understood, and this morning when I brought up the subject again and told him my plans, he still understands. That, to me, tells me he is one-of-a-kind and I should never let him go. Instead of leaving him, I'll get the wanderlust out of my system in that way next year and everybody wins. Because I really can't imagine life without him. At the very least, it's worth a shot. Wow, this is some kind of guy to wait for you, besides all the rest of the good things about him. Hang onto this guy 'cause he's one of a kind.
TheSilentType Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 He's tall, slim, funny, witty, sweet, loving, charming, cultured, educated, ambitious, altruistic, open-minded, a genius, emotionally open, no baggage, a good lover and - GASP - completely mentally healthy! Any woman's dream come true, right?! If perfection can exist in a human being, he'd be it What a bunch of BS. Sounds like another person trying to validate their own selves by trying to show what a "perfect" person they were able to get... Nothing reeks of pathetic like a self-promoter saying how great they are....especially vis-a-vis what type of person they are dating. Like OMG! You must be so special that you were able to get such a great guy! Wowy wow wow...
Storyrider Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 What a bunch of BS. Sounds like another person trying to validate their own selves by trying to show what a "perfect" person they were able to get... Nothing reeks of pathetic like a self-promoter saying how great they are....especially vis-a-vis what type of person they are dating. Like OMG! You must be so special that you were able to get such a great guy! Wowy wow wow... That is a total mischaracterization and unfair. We all understood exactly what HZ's point was in describing her BF that way--she highlighted his good qualities to show that she had no objective reason to not be attracted to him.
Storyrider Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 HZ, I can understand what you are going through. I have been married to my husband for twelve years and struggled with similar difficulties. We are compatible in so many ways, he is super smart, kind, good, an excellent father, nice to look at, all that...but I have struggled on and off with the issue of passion. It might have to do with self-esteem for me too, as other posters have said. But there is something I don't understand about your situation. You said you don't feel passion for him but then later said he is great in bed and the sex is great. How is the sex great if you don't feel passion?
roxy_1980 Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 So you've got this laundry list of great things about the guy that makes him good on paper, but there's no passion. Granted he's mechanically good at sex, butyou feel no heat for the guy. Sexual attraction is important!! Very important. There's a word for entertaining, smart, funny, level-headed people that we are not attracted to: FRIENDS. You're robbing both of you the chance for a relationship with a person who has most, if not all, the good qualities you're looking for and the heat and passion. You need to move on.
Crazy Cutie Posted December 5, 2006 Posted December 5, 2006 Aeren: we've been together for 7 or 8 months. He's toned-and-sexy-slim, not anorexic-slim . And he's damn fine in bed. StarGazer: you struck a chord there. The inferiority complex is something I think I harbor deep inside and it's haunted me my whole life. Since grade school when my classmates called me freak and weirdo and no one would talk to me, and middle school when all the boys were pairing off with the other girls, but would actually hawk loogies at me and laugh. I never once cried. I was an ugly, awkward child and I knew it. I was never as desirable as even the girls with braces and disfiguring acne. Then I grew up and totally grew into my looks, and those same boys told me I was beautiful, gorgeous, whatever. but the little HeadlessZebra child inside still thinks she's a gross, repellent dork whom no one of any value would want to date. OMG!!!! I am in the same EXACT situation!!!! (girlie freak out voice) -I was a freak in elementary school! -Boys totally hated me in middle school! -I got to be about 21 and turned out to be totally hot and all those boys that used to make fun of me are like,"Wow your hot."! -I think that I have an inner inferiority complex! -My last relationship was with a really hurtful guy and I jumped right into this relationship! (I've also not really had a single period since I've been dating seriously) ...these aren't really good things hun? That's so crazy though... My boyfriend and I are living together and I feel the same way and you even articulated it better than me... Weird!
Author HeadlessZebra Posted December 5, 2006 Author Posted December 5, 2006 OMG!!!! I am in the same EXACT situation!!!! (girlie freak out voice) -I was a freak in elementary school! -Boys totally hated me in middle school! -I got to be about 21 and turned out to be totally hot and all those boys that used to make fun of me are like,"Wow your hot."! -I think that I have an inner inferiority complex! -My last relationship was with a really hurtful guy and I jumped right into this relationship! (I've also not really had a single period since I've been dating seriously) ...these aren't really good things hun? That's so crazy though... My boyfriend and I are living together and I feel the same way and you even articulated it better than me... Weird! Yeah, I read your "Complex Goodness" thread and the first couple of lines I thought that someone was parodizing my thread! I have a theory on this; at least it applies to me. Mind you, I'm no psychologist, but I love to analyze, so here it goes: I think sometimes when we're ridiculed as children and young teens, and during early sexual development we get nothing but negative feedback from the hairier sex, we grow up with that inferiority complex and a need to prove our own sexual worth to ourselves and figuratively flip off the a$shole boys who said we weren't worthy. We don't notice it, but the thought is there, buried deep inside. Then if we happen to develop into desirable women, our newfound sexual and romantic clout becomes like a grenade launcher in the hands of an angry psychotic. We seek vengeance and validation, and we're armed with the tools to wreak havoc, but no way to ever accomplish our goal, so we sabotage ourselves again and again in the process. So relationships come a dime a dozen, but we can never make them work, because we're not choosing men based on our compatibility with them but rather how desirable they make us feel. We get bored after we've leeched all the emotional boost we could from a guy... OK, we know now that we're good enough for him, so what use is he now? He loses his magic to us. Time to move on to the next guy. It's never enough, we're like ravenous vampires seeking more and more of it. We need to jump to another relationship immediately because being out of a relationship is like being worthless. There's a deep-seated need to take over all of guy-kind by having every last man on Earth fall in love with us just to prove we're worthy. Until one day hopefully we'll learn to love ourselves. And so TheSilentType is right in a way, but not in the sense that I posted my thread to show off. I did no such thing. I posted my thread because I was trying to figure out why I can't find the happiness I seek and why I keep finding disappointment even under the most ideal conditions. And here it is. I think I figured it out. And that's the story of my life and I hope no one uses it against me.
Storyrider Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 Hi HZ. I am not trying to hassle you whatsoever, but I still really want to know--how can the sex be great if you feel very little passion? Do you just enjoy the physical aspects of the sex and fantasize about someone else? Or do your feelings get more passionate towards him in bed? Are you feelings situational? Also, are you someone who has always loved sex? Sorry for the hot, white light in your face, lol--I am asking because it might help me in my own situation.
Author HeadlessZebra Posted December 6, 2006 Author Posted December 6, 2006 Hi HZ. I am not trying to hassle you whatsoever, but I still really want to know--how can the sex be great if you feel very little passion? Do you just enjoy the physical aspects of the sex and fantasize about someone else? Or do your feelings get more passionate towards him in bed? Are you feelings situational? Also, are you someone who has always loved sex? Sorry for the hot, white light in your face, lol--I am asking because it might help me in my own situation. Physical aspects. I fantasize, I do. He is passionate and mechanically good in bed, but you know that for women there has to be a certain eroticism which turns you on at the thought of who you're having sex with, not just how good it feels. The feelings are invariable. They're just there, and no amount or quality of sex changes that. Passion is not about sexuality, at least not for me. Lust lies somewhere altogether different. Somewhere in the realm of an erotic mindfruck. I have always loved sex. Always, always, always. I was a 3-times-a-day girl for the last ten years. Now my sex drive is kaput.
dropdeadlegs Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 I think sometimes when we're ridiculed as children and young teens, and during early sexual development we get nothing but negative feedback from the hairier sex, we grow up with that inferiority complex and a need to prove our own sexual worth to ourselves and figuratively flip off the a$shole boys who said we weren't worthy. We don't notice it, but the thought is there, buried deep inside. Then if we happen to develop into desirable women, our newfound sexual and romantic clout becomes like a grenade launcher in the hands of an angry psychotic. We seek vengeance and validation, and we're armed with the tools to wreak havoc, but no way to ever accomplish our goal, so we sabotage ourselves again and again in the process. So relationships come a dime a dozen, but we can never make them work, because we're not choosing men based on our compatibility with them but rather how desirable they make us feel. We get bored after we've leeched all the emotional boost we could from a guy... OK, we know now that we're good enough for him, so what use is he now? He loses his magic to us. Time to move on to the next guy. It's never enough, we're like ravenous vampires seeking more and more of it. We need to jump to another relationship immediately because being out of a relationship is like being worthless. There's a deep-seated need to take over all of guy-kind by having every last man on Earth fall in love with us just to prove we're worthy. Until one day hopefully we'll learn to love ourselves. Wow, that's my story from age 14 to about age 39. 25 years of jumping from one relationship to another, sucking the "desirability factor" dry and moving on to the next partner when it ran it's course. Pretty sad to have wasted all of my youth in an attempt to feel desirable. Geez, my current beau makes me feel so desirable, am I still doing it? Nah, I love everything about him and want to spend eternity with this man! As long as he doesn't stop making me feel desirable, that is.... This place is better than most therapists I have been to.
Storyrider Posted December 6, 2006 Posted December 6, 2006 ...I have a theory on this; at least it applies to me. Mind you, I'm no psychologist, but I love to analyze, so here it goes: I think sometimes when we're ridiculed as children and young teens, and during early sexual development we get nothing but negative feedback from the hairier sex, we grow up with that inferiority complex and a need to prove our own sexual worth to ourselves and figuratively flip off the a$shole boys who said we weren't worthy. We don't notice it, but the thought is there, buried deep inside. Then if we happen to develop into desirable women, our newfound sexual and romantic clout becomes like a grenade launcher in the hands of an angry psychotic. We seek vengeance and validation, and we're armed with the tools to wreak havoc, but no way to ever accomplish our goal, so we sabotage ourselves again and again in the process. So relationships come a dime a dozen, but we can never make them work, because we're not choosing men based on our compatibility with them but rather how desirable they make us feel. We get bored after we've leeched all the emotional boost we could from a guy... OK, we know now that we're good enough for him, so what use is he now? He loses his magic to us. Time to move on to the next guy. It's never enough, we're like ravenous vampires seeking more and more of it. We need to jump to another relationship immediately because being out of a relationship is like being worthless. There's a deep-seated need to take over all of guy-kind by having every last man on Earth fall in love with us just to prove we're worthy. Until one day hopefully we'll learn to love ourselves. I do think there is a lot of truth in what you say--I really do. I have felt humiliated by boys, and I have felt the need to prove I'm worthy through who I date. I understand now also what you mean about the sex. He knows all the right moves but he doesn't move you. See, for me, I have mixed feelings about the sex. Before I married my H. I had a live-in boyfriend with whom I loved having sex. He was kind of big and burly, which made me feel ultra feminine. We would get stoned and go at it in the middle of the afternoon, and I couldn't get enough of it. But he wasn't right for me in other ways. He turned out to be really overbearing and had a temper (which the reason I broke up w/ him NOT the reason I liked him). I guess my theory has always been that you can't have it all, and I chose other qualities and put sexual chemistry lower on my list, and now I am reaping the fruits of that choice. But then another factor for me is that I actually get off more on being pursued, and the sex is so strongly linked to that pursuit for me. There is an excitement in the unknown aspects of being with someone while you're still getting to know them. Once the pursuit is over and the relationship is established it is so easy for the sex to seem mundane. I'm not saying this is healthy, I am just describing how my crazy mind works sometimes.
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