HeadlessZebra Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Let me begin this by saying how much I truly love my boyfriend. He's the most amazing person I've ever known... he would seem to be my perfect match and everything I ever looked for in a guy (and I look for a LOT)! He's tall, slim, funny, witty, sweet, loving, charming, cultured, educated, ambitious, altruistic, open-minded, a genius, emotionally open, no baggage, a good lover and - GASP - completely mentally healthy! Any woman's dream come true, right?! If perfection can exist in a human being, he'd be it. But... and there's a big BUT... I must be stupid and self-destructive. Here I was, looking far and wide for this perfect guy my whole life, and just when I'd given up hope, I finally found him. Problem is, I was never physically/sexually attracted to him. It's not even a particular thing about the way he looks, I'm sure. He's more handsome than some of the buffoons I've "fallen in love" with before. It's just something missing that I could never quite put my finger on. But alas, when I met him I was fresh out of a really painful experience with another guy and I needed healing, so (my mistake, I know) I jumped into this new relationship. I got to know him and realized that he was THAT GUY I'd always looked for, to a tee, so I said to hell with not being attracted to him, it's worth it, a guy like this only comes around once in a lifetime. And I hopped on the train. What little sexual desire I had due to newness, it evaporated quickly. Now I'm left here with the perfect guy who loves me with all his heart, and I love him too, so much, like a cozy, wonderfully comfortable love... but no passion, the kind that comes from your gut. I wish I could find a flaw in him that would justify leaving, but I simply cannot. I wish I could become something he hates so that I can spare his heart and he can just break up with me, but he'd see right through it. He knows me too well. He's just too smart to outsmart. There's no getting anything past him. I don't want to hurt him. Or his parents, who love me like their own daughter. If only they knew what a scumbag I am. What a treacherous little succubus I really am. I've been entertaining the idea of cheating, but then the idea repulses me because of my poor boyfriend. Because I aodre him and would never do that to him. But the fact that it's crossed my mind shows how bad it is. I'm also afraid that if I leave him, it will be the biggest mistake I'll ever make and I'll regret it forever. What's missing from the equation? And what's wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? What should I do?
amerikajin Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 What's missing from the equation? And what's wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? What should I do? You need to end the relationship as soon as possible. If you want to wait a week or two to think about how to open up about it, that's fine, but don't wait too much longer than that. It'll be hard for both of you, but you need to do it. You can give him the usual cop-out of "I'm just not sure I want to be in a relationship right now", but I would not tell him you don't feel attracted to him: it'll rip him up. A white lie's okay in this situation, I think. What's missing is what's critical in any romantic relationship: passion. Your relationship will always be in danger without passion, because there is a part of the human soul that feels entitled to passionate love, in addition to the deeper emotional kind of love that evolves over time. You can develop a love over time (i.e. 'learn to love him'), but you can't learn to have passion - you either have it or you don't. I think all relationships need passion at first. Over time, once you have lots of sex, have kids and roles change, the passion will be replaced by something else. But you cannot go into a committed relationship knowing that you lack attraction. It won't work. End it now before it really gets out of hand.
dropdeadlegs Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 I call what's missing the "It" factor. They either have "It" or they don't and I have never found a way around it. I have met men that were absolutely wonderful in every way but didn't have "It." I wouldn't be able to live without "It" and wish I could offer advice for you but for me the relationship would be doomed. I don't think cheating is the answer either. It's so painful as seen by all the broken hearted posts on this site. But I agree that if you're even thinking along those lines that it reeks of "doom." By the way, I tend to be stupid and self destructive so you may want to just ignore me and keep Mr. Perfect, but..... Good luck to you in whatever choice you make.
Road Rage Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 HeadlessZebra You just can`t live like that. Give him the it`s not you it`s me routine. If he is as great as you say, he should have no problem finding another woman. Just don`t do anything like cheating because that`s cruel when all you have to do is be honest. The hurt may still be there on his part but nothing like being hurt by someones actions, if you know what I mean.
Author HeadlessZebra Posted November 30, 2006 Author Posted November 30, 2006 Thank you guys for your opinions. I wish it were as easy as that, but unfortunately I forgot to mention that we moved to another state together and we live together here. And that he's footed all my bills while we've been in this new state. If I were to leave, first off I would have nowhere to go, and second off I couldn't live with the debt I have to him. It hasn't been cheap. Providing for me has taken a hearty chunk out of his bank account and I don't have the means to pay him back. How could I bring myself to walk away? "I'm not ready for a relationship" just seems pretty unbelievable when you've abandoned your whole life to move out of state with someone.
blind_otter Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Thank you guys for your opinions. I wish it were as easy as that, but unfortunately I forgot to mention that we moved to another state together and we live together here. And that he's footed all my bills while we've been in this new state. If I were to leave, first off I would have nowhere to go, and second off I couldn't live with the debt I have to him. It hasn't been cheap. Providing for me has taken a hearty chunk out of his bank account and I don't have the means to pay him back. How could I bring myself to walk away? "I'm not ready for a relationship" just seems pretty unbelievable when you've abandoned your whole life to move out of state with someone. The thought of my lover staying with me because of some personal sense of obligation rather than any real passion and the resulting passionate attachment makes me sick to my stomach. No offense, but that is the worst reason to stay with someone. Be honest with him and let him decide what he wants to do. He deserves to be with someone who is passionate about him, who adores him as much as he adores them. If you really love him, you would want him to be free to find this person rather than chaining him to you because you feel obligated. I'm just saying.
Road Rage Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 HeadlessZebra Regardless of your debt to him you have to decide. What you seem to be leaning toward is a way to get HIM to break up with you. It is a bad way to go about this whole thing. And dishonest at heart. To hide the truth will only become more expensive with time. Just sit down and tell him it is not working for you and you need to change your life. Relationships are always subject to change. Be glad you are not married and have children. Both of you still have time to move on to something better. You may be surprised that to some degree he may already be aware something is not quite there with you. It is hard for your true feelings to not show with someone you live with.
someone2 Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 By the way, I tend to be stupid and self destructive so you may want to just ignore me and keep Mr. Perfect, but..... lol, I like your positive thinking, dropdeadlegs
dropdeadlegs Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 I must be stupid and self-destructive. By the way, I tend to be stupid and self destructive so you may want to just ignore me and keep Mr. Perfect, but..... lol, I like your positive thinking, dropdeadlegs I didn't want HeadlessZebra to think she's got the market cornered on this type of behavior! Self destructive (ie:stupid) decisions have been a huge part of my being.
rina_r Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Let me begin this by saying how much I truly love my boyfriend. You say you love him. Maybe with time you got used to all this, to this sense of security and started taking him for granted?? Try to imagine how your life will be without him. If you cant imagine it..then work on yourself, try to bring some romance into your relationship.
aeren944 Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Let me begin this by saying how much I truly love my boyfriend. He's the most amazing person I've ever known... he would seem to be my perfect match and everything I ever looked for in a guy (and I look for a LOT)! He's tall, slim, funny, witty, sweet, loving, charming, cultured, educated, ambitious, altruistic, open-minded, a genius, emotionally open, no baggage, a good lover and - GASP - completely mentally healthy! Any woman's dream come true, right?! If perfection can exist in a human being, he'd be it. But... and there's a big BUT... I must be stupid and self-destructive. Here I was, looking far and wide for this perfect guy my whole life, and just when I'd given up hope, I finally found him. Problem is, I was never physically/sexually attracted to him. It's not even a particular thing about the way he looks, I'm sure. He's more handsome than some of the buffoons I've "fallen in love" with before. It's just something missing that I could never quite put my finger on. But alas, when I met him I was fresh out of a really painful experience with another guy and I needed healing, so (my mistake, I know) I jumped into this new relationship. I got to know him and realized that he was THAT GUY I'd always looked for, to a tee, so I said to hell with not being attracted to him, it's worth it, a guy like this only comes around once in a lifetime. And I hopped on the train. What little sexual desire I had due to newness, it evaporated quickly. Now I'm left here with the perfect guy who loves me with all his heart, and I love him too, so much, like a cozy, wonderfully comfortable love... but no passion, the kind that comes from your gut. I wish I could find a flaw in him that would justify leaving, but I simply cannot. I wish I could become something he hates so that I can spare his heart and he can just break up with me, but he'd see right through it. He knows me too well. He's just too smart to outsmart. There's no getting anything past him. I don't want to hurt him. Or his parents, who love me like their own daughter. If only they knew what a scumbag I am. What a treacherous little succubus I really am. I've been entertaining the idea of cheating, but then the idea repulses me because of my poor boyfriend. Because I aodre him and would never do that to him. But the fact that it's crossed my mind shows how bad it is. I'm also afraid that if I leave him, it will be the biggest mistake I'll ever make and I'll regret it forever. What's missing from the equation? And what's wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? What should I do? Holy Hell... you just described my freakin' nightmare!! The thought of being in a relationship and loving the girl SO much, and her loving me but not having any attraction to me... Ugh, I just get sick thinking about it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not bashing on you at all... it's just that it's a tough situation. So, have you tried talking to him about it? I mean, REALLY talk, like, "<BF's name>, we need to talk..." One of those serious, get-his-attention type of talks. He's gotta know what he's dealing with. Is it that the sex isn't good? Or he's too slim? Or what? If he's as smart as you say he is, he can do something about it... if there's something to be done. Don't be too hasty. I don't agree that you should break up with him right away. Love is a journey, not a destination... it's not like he can't fix what's wrong. He sounds like a really great guy, which is a plus, but he needs to know the obstacle to overcome. Maybe you guys need to change something up, or maybe he needs to be a little more aggressive? I dunno. How long have you been with him? I'm sure he's awesome, as a partner, but needs to step it up and be a lover. Men gotta take care of their women, and know what they like. It's in our job description!
Star Gazer Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 I'm not so sure you should end it. I'm not so sure that this guy is truly perfect and everything you want. In my experience, when I'm not feeling "that thing I can't put my finger on," if I take a step back and really open my eyes, there IS something that's off... either we have different tastes in things, the sex is blah, they have annoying habits, whatever. However, if truly analyzing this situation you still feel that he truly is EVERYTHING you could ever want and NOTHING that you wouldn't, I think you owe it to yourself to give it a chance and stay with him. You sound as though you've had repeated horrible experiences with other men, which may have left you feeling as though you don't "deserve" the good guy. I went through this same thing - where after years of a-holes, when a good guy came around, I had been so torn down I didn't think that I was worthy of them and somehow convinced myself that there was no passion. It's kinda the "girls prefer bad guys" on a much grander/heavier scale...
Star Gazer Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Also, I was once in a relationship with a really great guy - sounds just like yours - and he also moved 500 miles away with me and we lived together. We weren't financially in debt to one another, but I did feel a sort of obligation to him because of it... The unavailability of being able to walk away from him/break up (or even avoid him for a day when I needed space unrelated to any relationship issue) made me kinda grow to resent him. I think the change in location, being away from all my friends and family, the change in our relationship dynamic, and a ton of other outside stressors also caused me to lose the passion I had for him. Just something else to consider... I really think you should try to weather this storm.
Author HeadlessZebra Posted November 30, 2006 Author Posted November 30, 2006 Aeren: we've been together for 7 or 8 months. He's toned-and-sexy-slim, not anorexic-slim . And he's damn fine in bed. StarGazer: you struck a chord there. The inferiority complex is something I think I harbor deep inside and it's haunted me my whole life. Since grade school when my classmates called me freak and weirdo and no one would talk to me, and middle school when all the boys were pairing off with the other girls, but would actually hawk loogies at me and laugh. I never once cried. I was an ugly, awkward child and I knew it. I was never as desirable as even the girls with braces and disfiguring acne. Then I grew up and totally grew into my looks, and those same boys told me I was beautiful, gorgeous, whatever. but the little HeadlessZebra child inside still thinks she's a gross, repellent dork whom no one of any value would want to date.
Star Gazer Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 StarGazer: you struck a chord there. The inferiority complex is something I think I harbor deep inside and it's haunted me my whole life. Since grade school when my classmates called me freak and weirdo and no one would talk to me, and middle school when all the boys were pairing off with the other girls, but would actually hawk loogies at me and laugh. I never once cried. I was an ugly, awkward child and I knew it. I was never as desirable as even the girls with braces and disfiguring acne. Then I grew up and totally grew into my looks, and those same boys told me I was beautiful, gorgeous, whatever. but the little HeadlessZebra child inside still thinks she's a gross, repellent dork whom no one of any value would want to date. When I moved to a new town in 5th grade, the girls in school changed the lyrics of the GNR song "Welcome to the Jungle" to say something like, "...where the [my name]'s are ugly and freaky!" (to refer to where I had come from). I was constantly teased, although I don't think I WAS unattractive... I was just very plain. I too have grown into my appearance - like an ugly duckling to a swan. But I can't get over feelings like that. They stem not only from mean children, but being abandoned by my father and having a slew of unhealthy relationships with a-holes that I clung to in order to replace the father figure I missed. Anyway... The benefits I received from counseling/therapy are immeasurable. I would seriously recommend finding a relationship-counselor to talk to about these sorts of feelings... if you don't resolve them, you will ruin all of your healthy relationships and continue to return to pieces of crap men who destroy your sense of self worth even more. Don't let this good guy go. Please, don't do it.
Author HeadlessZebra Posted November 30, 2006 Author Posted November 30, 2006 the girls in school changed the lyrics of the GNR song "Welcome to the Jungle" to say something like, "...where the [my name]'s are ugly and freaky!" Not very creative, were they? :lmao: Seriously, though, I remember something a guy once said, don't remember where, but he said something like: "Of course I treat my women like crap. How could I ever respect someone who'd be willing to sleep with me???" Kind of hits close to home, in a way.
socialight Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 sorry but I am going to vote with supid and self destructive on this one, along with selfish and disengenuous.
Author HeadlessZebra Posted December 1, 2006 Author Posted December 1, 2006 sorry but I am going to vote with supid and self destructive on this one, along with selfish and disengenuous. Fair enough... what would you have me do, then?
alphamale Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 If only they knew what a scumbag I am. What a treacherous little succubus I really am. you are not a scumbag HZ...you're a normal girl. Women like excitement, drama, chemistry. These are the things that make them fall in lust and in love. Your b/f sounds boring. Perfection is boring. I say you dump him for the bad boy you really want, someone with whom you have a lot of chemistry with.
Author HeadlessZebra Posted December 1, 2006 Author Posted December 1, 2006 you are not a scumbag HZ...you're a normal girl. Women like excitement, drama, chemistry. These are the things that make them fall in lust and in love. Your b/f sounds boring. Perfection is boring. I say you dump him for the bad boy you really want, someone with whom you have a lot of chemistry with. Truth be told, I really never wanted a 'bad' boy... just a musician. A nice, poetic, sensitive musician. That's what always got my juices flowing. I'm immature in the head, aren't I?
alphamale Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Truth be told, I really never wanted a 'bad' boy... most women don't want bad boy conciously...but many end up with them. just a musician. A nice, poetic, sensitive musician. That's what always got my juices flowing. a bad boy musician....the curt cobain type? I'm immature in the head, aren't I? not really
Author HeadlessZebra Posted December 1, 2006 Author Posted December 1, 2006 a bad boy musician....the curt cobain type? Don't laugh... but... more like "Chris Cornell during his solo album" type... soft, romantic, mysterious... you know, the kind who sits on the dock of the bay, brooding and playing his guitar and maybe, just maybe, writing a song about me? Oh god, please shoot me, now you're getting me started.
socialight Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 "He's the most amazing person I've ever known... he would seem to be my perfect match and everything I ever looked for in a guy (and I look for a LOT)! He's tall, slim, funny, witty, sweet, loving, charming, cultured, educated, ambitious, altruistic, open-minded, a genius, emotionally open, no baggage, a good lover and - GASP - completely mentally healthy! Any woman's dream come true, right?! " Here's a crazy idea. Why don't you fall in love with him? Don't scoff. People seem to have this idea that they have utterly no control over their emotions. Not true at all. You have, as you have described, everything you would ever want in a guy, and he loves you to boot. So why piss it away? Why don't you start small, and start focusing on one or more specific things he does or is that you really appreciate. If there are things you wish he did better or different, talk to him about it. Take a good long hard look at what your life will be like with out him. And try, one day at a time to make it work. It just amazing how many people will walk away from great relationships w/o putting any effort into it.
dropdeadlegs Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Don't laugh... but... more like "Chris Cornell during his solo album" type... soft, romantic, mysterious... you know, the kind who sits on the dock of the bay, brooding and playing his guitar and maybe, just maybe, writing a song about me? Oh god, please shoot me, now you're getting me started. Unless you're Paul and Linda (McCartney) I say BANG! You're DEAD! What a romantic disillusion.....But good luck to you, just the same!
amerikajin Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 "He's the most amazing person I've ever known... he would seem to be my perfect match and everything I ever looked for in a guy (and I look for a LOT)! He's tall, slim, funny, witty, sweet, loving, charming, cultured, educated, ambitious, altruistic, open-minded, a genius, emotionally open, no baggage, a good lover and - GASP - completely mentally healthy! Any woman's dream come true, right?! " Here's a crazy idea. Why don't you fall in love with him? Don't scoff. People seem to have this idea that they have utterly no control over their emotions. Not true at all. You have, as you have described, everything you would ever want in a guy, and he loves you to boot. So why piss it away? Why don't you start small, and start focusing on one or more specific things he does or is that you really appreciate. If there are things you wish he did better or different, talk to him about it. Take a good long hard look at what your life will be like with out him. And try, one day at a time to make it work. It just amazing how many people will walk away from great relationships w/o putting any effort into it. Well, it apparently works in arranged marriages, so we know that it works somewhere on this earth. I guess the difference there is that in societies with arranged marriages, the thinking and the expectations are completely different. People don't have this ideal of romantic love in India or other places where marriages are arranged as we do in the West or even some parts of the East nowadays. That's why I think staying with someone for money and what not is possible, but it's high risk. Somewhere down the line, someone is going to trip this woman's trigger and the temptation will be strong to have an affair. But I don't know...there is such a thing as loyalty. Headlesszebra, do you think it's possible to remain loyal to someone you don't have the hots for all your life?
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