kbah Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 With my bf for 2 years...I'm 23 and he's 22. -Last night he told me he's tired of me being "self-centered" -He told me everything is about me and I never put him first -He said "change or we're over" The thing is, I KNOW I can be self-centered, but I try really hard not to be and I AM TRYING. This IS something I want to change, but being self-centered is kind of a coping mechanism I have developed to deal with problems as a child. In other words, it's just how I am! (I want to change, but my point is that I have always been like this our WHOLE relationship). Anyway, I asked "do you like the person you are with now..." and he said "no" So I said, "Basically, you like the person you WANT ME TO BE." Even though I do want to change this, the "change or were over" attitude does not set right with me....It's PART OF ME and part of my PERSONALITY....not just a behaviour or change in behavior. Any have this happen or any words of wisdom?
KittenMoon Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 You said you know you can be self-centered and you don't necessarily like this. So why don't you consider changing into a person you'd prefer to be, as opposed to feeling pressured by him to become what he wants. You may not always have him, but you'll always have yourself, so if you're going to change, change to be the person YOU want to me.
VandGsMom Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 This sounds like that make-it-or-break-it moment where you either rise to his challenge or you end things and move on... What you have to ask yourself is: Is being with him worth not being yourself? I agree with ^ in that changing oneself for the better is always a good thing (ugghh, martha stewert) , but I disagree in that changing midsteam in a relationship just never works out. He wanted you originally for what you ARE, now he want you to be something else. Not necessarily a bad thing, but just not YOU anymore. If you change, and then like yourself like that, what is to keep him from expecting you to change everytime he begins to dislike something about you??
KittenMoon Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 To put another spin on this- is it maybe not that you're too selfish, but rather that you don't show him he's wanted and valued enough? Maybe you should make it a point to do something HE wants to do once a month or so, maybe something you'd normally beg out of. Or next time you find yourself arguing over something trivial, let him "win".
dgiirl Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 I hate these blanket statements. "You're selfish". Hell, we're ALL selfish from time to time. And it's actually a good thing! If you make sure you're happy, then you can offer things back to the relationship. If you cant make yourself happy, and make sure your own needs are met, then you cant offer anyone else what you dont have. I would ask him for more specifics in what he wants changing. Specific actions that you can follow that will allow you to be yourself but will help him feel better. Is it that you always get to choose which restaurants you go to? That you never remember his birthday? What are the actual actions that is making him upset and find solutions to those problems. But just throwing out blanket statements does absolutely nothing to resolve the problems. You'll always be juggling a bunch of balls hoping none of them come across as selfish that you're bound to drop a few.
Author kbah Posted December 4, 2006 Author Posted December 4, 2006 I have given thought to everyone's comments. I am going to give this change a try. He really means so much to me AND I want to chnage this anyways. Thanks for everyone's insight! Mwah!
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