What do I do?

[bridget]

Basically what the title says (and apologies if this is in the wrong place, I didn't really know where best to put it).

 

Long story short I have had a hideous, on/off "relationship" with a complete turd since the summer. The last two months have been completely off, other than stupid decisions made when drunk that involve meeting up in a club and then sleeping together. Before anyone says, I know it's stupid, I blame the demon drink and my own lack of willpower too of course.

 

Anyway I haven't seen him since the beginning of this month. I decided I really couldn't take the stress and anxiety of the situation (and was best off out of it) and haven't seen him since the 2nd. That was fine by me, and seemingly by him too. Fast forward a fortnight and my period was late, finally took a test this week and of course I am pregnant. This is typical. We were protected, just an fyi, as I am on the pill (!) and we also sometimes used condoms. The bottom line is I don't know what to do. I feel like crying constantly. I am not anti-abortion but the idea of having one myself is terrifying. I have a crappy job, no home of my own and worst of all I have no one in the area who I feel I can confide in. I don't know whether I should be telling my ex as soon as possible, or if I should be waiting until I've gathered my thoughts. He is going to hit the roof, and I'm terrified of his reaction and what he's going to think of me. I can't believe this has happened, can anyone help me to get my head together about this? Advise my course of action?

 

I'd be really grateful

[InsanityImpaired]

If you used both bc pills and the condom, chances are that this is a false positive, and that your period is late because of stress or something else. Rule out that possibility first.

 

Second, if you are indeed pregnant the issue of abortion has to be considered. If you don't see any realistic and good prospect of taking care of the baby, whether it would be with this turd or not, that might be one option. Seeing as this was a on-off relationship, you don't necessarily have to get him involved from step 1. You can also seriously doubt the wisdom of telling this turd, that you are pregnant, and going to take the abortion if you decide on that, independently of him.

 

I would suggest you find out whether you are really pregnant - take a second test. And also, to gather your thoughts first, without telling him.

[PandorasBox]

He is going to hit the roof, and I'm terrified of his reaction and what he's going to think of me.

 

Wah on him! He laid down with you right? So its not all your fault you see. I think you need to do whatever you feel is best for you. It is your body and do NOT let him try to persuade you either way. Do you not live near your folks? Is there any friends or family that might could help you out?

[a4a]

What is really more terrifying- being unable to care for a child financially and most likely emotionally or a 10 minute abortion?

 

You should get to to a clinic asap and see if there are any options such as a chemical induced abortion which would certainly save you some grief or you feeling any embarassment.

 

Also do get a proper preg. test. Blood tests I believe are much more accurate. It is possible you are getting a false positive, but either way you have to confront this asap. I don't think taking the pill and preg. mixes that well if indeed you are preg.

[bridget]

I was kind of pinning my last remaining hopes on a false positive, but I am pretty sure that such a thing is incredibly rare given the reliability of home pregnancy tests these days. Since I think the tests detect the pregnancy hormone, if it ain't there then you won't get a positive (although I think it might be a form of cancer that can produce the same hormones, though hopefully that's not the reasoning behind it).

 

I feel absolutely devestated. I just want to crawl under the covers and die, the prospect of going to the doctors and it all becoming "official" is horrifying.

 

I do live near to my parents, but my relationship with them has been hanging by a thread for months and is only now becoming slightly better. They will be disgusted. I have friends, but only one who I feel I can talk to about this. The others are either mutual friends of his, or more superficial, "going out" pals.

[Ripples]

Err, I'm not sure where the information that home pregnancy tests are unreliable comes from. They are very reliable (I'm sorry to say, Bridget).

 

The home pregnancy test is, in fact, very sensitive and usually quite accurate. The urine test performed in the GP surgery is not the same type, and is not as sensitive; it often does not reveal a pregnancy until a later stage.

 

Source

 

As for the rest of your worries, first of all, you must see your GP, get your options straight. Secondly, you can't know what people will think of you, it's speculation. Unless you've been pregnant before, told your parents and experienced their reaction, you can only guess and that's not going to help you.

 

But first things first, get to your GP asap.

 

[InsanityImpaired]

It still could be a false positive though - it is not 100% reliable. If both the condom and the pill were used correctly, chances of getting pregnant would be very small.

 

It is understandable that you are fearful, but keeping it "unofficial" is not going to stop the pregnancy, if you are pregnant. If you are indeed pregnant, you still have the choice to choose between abortion, and keeping it, and whether or not to involve turd in the process. Of course, these will be tough decisions.

 

As for dealing with your parents, in case they get to know you are pregnant, you took double precautions. Chances are extremely small a pregnancy happens, yet you were one of the few, to whom this happened. Or were they not even aware of the depth of the relationship with this turd?

 

First, it seems it is best to not get your parents involved yet, at least until you are positive you are pregnant. And then weigh the options you have. Whether or not to involve this guy, whether or not to involve your parents, whether or not to choose for the abortion. It will be tough.

[Ripples]

True, I accept it's not 100%. However, the test done at the GP won't be any more accurate. Infact, because it normally is only accurate in the later stages of pregnancy, it kinda nulifies having it done if a chemical abortion is Bridget's choice. The sooner she gets to the GP the better. She's got to find out her options. The GP may request that she takes another home pregnancy test with her to the surgery.

 

Actually, Bridget, you may want to phone your GP's surgery and ask to speak to one of the doctors or the nurse, they'll advise you.

[PandorasBox]

MIssing a period doesn't always mean that pregnancy has taken place. HOWEVER, if you missed a period and took a pregnancy test and its been confirmed you are in fact pregnant, then chances are if you were taking the pill and got pregnant this is more than likely why.

 

Either;

 

A) You just got on the pill and wasn't yet highly effective in your system.

B) Missed taking any pills, or got messed up on them.

C) If you are taking any other kinds of medications. Antibiotics will lesson the effectiveness of the pll. So will some herbs.

D) If you have been sick, (such as vomiting, and the pill wasn't digested.)

 

There are counselors at hospitals and health care facilities that might can better guide you in the right direction as far as support or help for what you want to do.

[Spinderella]

It is possible to get pregnant on the pill. Besides, it is pointless to discuss, as Bridget has done the test and it is positive. Of course it could also be possible that the test as not accurate, but again it is pointless to discuss. All in all with missed periods and positive test results, it seems likely that Bridget is pregnant.

Your emotions are probably even more mixed up at the moment due to the hormones. It is the most difficult state to be in to make the most difficult of decisions, and I really feel for you.

Only you can make this decision.

I completely agree, it takes two to tango. What right does he possibly have to be mad at you??

However, do you think you need to tell him at this stage? It doesn't sound as though you feel he would be supportive. If you make the decision to have an abortion, do you think he would support you through that? Because if you really feel that he might make the whole experience more traumatic, then I'm not sure it is neccessary to tell him.

On the other hand, if you are not entirely sure how he would react, maybe you should give him the chance.

Do you feel that the way he reacts could have an influence on your decision. For example, if you felt that he would be supportive to you and the child, would you consider having the child?

[dropdeadlegs]

This is a very personal decision so I will not give you advice but instead share my experiences.

 

Virtually until I had a tubal ligation, I was horrible at taking the pill and had multiple pregnancies. Both my first and second children were "accidents" and I chose to keep both of them. The first one even prompted me to marry the father of them. After we divorced, I experienced a period of sowing my wild oats and although technically on the pill, I found myself pregnant and in a rocky relationship. I had a surgical abortion which was the only kind available at the time. I believe I was about 8 weeks pregnant at the time. I did not tell the father about the pregnancy because his opinion of what should be done did not matter to me. It was my life and body that would be most affected. I did tell him about it several years later, probably a decade or so.

 

I wouldn't call the experience traumatic, but it was less than comfortable and I wouldn't make the decision to obtain an abortion unless you are completely sure about your feelings on the subject. I can't say that I regret it, but I did think about it for many years afterward with sadness. Mostly sadness that I made such bad decisions concerning my sexual health and reproductive practices. Sadness that a "bigger" person may have endured the embarrassment, the shame, and the change in lifestyle that having that baby would have brought to my life.

 

I proceeded to have three more pregnancies with my second husband. The first child was stillborn with less than four weeks until my due date. I was sure at that time that his death was the price of my earlier decision. Abort a baby I didn't want, lose one I wanted so badly. My next two children were planned and arrived safely, but I experienced two early miscarriages before giving birth to my last child (I have four living children.) I then found myself divorced again. In a crazy act of comfort, I slept with a very good longterm friend, used no protection whatsoever, and ended up pregnant.

 

Once again I found myself at the abortion clinic. I was 39 years old, had four kids aged 3-19 and was barely making ends meet on a meager salary. That time I had a medical abortion which feels just like a miscarriage because thats what a miscarriage is - a spontaneous abortion. I was far more sure of my own feelings and do not feel any pangs of guilt or sadness. The medical abortion was far better as far as trauma goes. But in my state it can only be done up until the seventh week of pregnancy. The timeline for counting the weeks in a pregnancy begins with the first day of your last period, so 7 weeks comes quickly considering the average woman has a 4 week cycle, meaning from the day you miss your period you only have 3 weeks to obtain a medical abortion. I am uncertain of how it works in the UK.

 

I don't know of a single woman who has had an abortion that didn't experience some regret, even if simply regretting the situation allowing one to take place. I'm not very religious, but I believe in God and have asked his forgiveness for my inability to cope with my circumstances. I believe one who asks in earnest is forgiven.

 

Three months after the second abortion I had a tubal ligation to avoid putting myself in such a bad place again. It was a good decision for me and has alleviated a lot stress in sexual relations for me as I do not fear pregnancy and don't have to try to take those pills. I can barely remember to take pills when I'm sick, although many seem to be faithful users with good outcomes.

 

I love my children with all my heart and they have truly blessed my life. They have kept me grounded and having them has forced me to make better decisions in many ways. I had their welfare to consider. I often think that without them I would have self destructed a long time ago.

 

This is your decision. I made mine all on my own, didn't tell friends, family, or anyone and I survived. Adoption is another option, one that a bigger person than I might have chosen. Good luck in whatever choice you make, may it the right one for YOU.

[a4a]

I don't know of a single woman who has had an abortion that didn't experience some regret, even if simply regretting the situation allowing one to take place. I'm not very religious, but I believe in God and have asked his forgiveness for my inability to cope with my circumstances. I believe one who asks in earnest is forgiven.

 

.

 

 

Well here is one, I like Bridget used protection. I did all I could to prevent it. I only regret the fact that I had to get the abortion. It was uncomfortable for me, not painful, but uncomfortable that I had gotten into the position of being pregnant. I am quite happy with the decision in itself. Perhaps I look at it more like having to have had a dental procedure I dread. Certainly no mourning for loss but a complete and utter relief that I made the right decision for me. I am still so happy even on this day that I did make the right decision for myself. My life would have been hell if I did not. I did not have the means to care for a child, not emotionally mature enough to care for one, and certainly did not have a good relationship with the sperminator.

 

Nobody knew except the sperminator and I only told him because I simply needed a ride to and from the office that day. Otherwise I would not have bothered.

 

Honestly if it happened in my life right now at this moment I would opt for an abortion again in a split second. And I would have no regrets about it except that I had to go through the actual procedure itself if chemical means were not available. Even though I am now quite able to afford a child, I could care for one, it would certainly not suit my life nor what I still want to do with my life. I am indeed married and my H would be told of course, but no way would he attempt to force me into something I did not want to do as important as making a decision into becoming a parent is.

[dropdeadlegs]

Well here is one, I like Bridget used protection. I did all I could to prevent it. I only regret the fact that I had to get the abortion.

 

If I didn't express myself well, that is exactly what I meant. Sometimes written words don't clarify what would easily be understood when spoken. I'm certain that most women do not see abortion as something appealing in the least bit and see it more as an unfortunate necessity. While I was honest in that I either did not use or didn't use it properly, birth control is a better option for all of us. I am thankful to this day that I had the option of abortion and will fight to preserve that right for all women.

[ash519]

My advice...Gather your thoughts. Figure out on your own terms what you want to do. Since he is a terd his opinion really doesnt matter does it???

 

I got pregnant when i was 18. Not protected, it was the second time I had sex and I was nieve. Anyway, I told my terd and he at first showed a bit of support in my decision not to keep the baby. The second I realized what that really meant and i told him i wasnt sure about it and may want to go through with having a child he LOST IT! Many mean emails and phone calls ( yet still slept with me)! I ended up going through with the abortion because i felt i loved him and i didnt want him to hate me. Of course, part of me thought it was the right decision too, he didnt force me. But if i was able to make the decision on my own, i would have kept the baby and lived my life by the cards that were dealt to me. To this day, 6 years later, that still upsets me. I still regret doing it!

 

I am not anti-abortion by any means, but the point to everything i am saying is, make your own decision. Do what you feel is right for you. His opinion doesnt matter. If you have an abortion, that is what you do. If you keep the baby, court will order him to pay support and whether or not he is active in the childs life is up to him.

 

I wish you the best of luck!

[anna13]

no one can tell you what to do . basically if he is such a turd you dont want him in your life . so basically you will be a single mother if you have this child. even if he becomes very involved you realize that this child will be with you almost all of the time because that is usually the way it goes. you will have to deal with him or her basically the rest of your life , taking care of a child doesn't stop at 18 . a baby will affect your life completely , future relationships , job opportunities, social life, you will be responsible for another human being for the rest of your life. you have to save for this child's education. It is by no means easy or just a choice. this is YOUR life on the line . what ever decision you make , it is permanent. you only have one or two months to decide what you are going to do . like I said no one can or should tell you if you should or not. as for him getting upset about it well sure . he is a turd right. think about yourself because this will affect you the most. your pregnant already so there is no reason to stress about it . what is done is done , it is time to stop saying you can't believe it and just think for a week what you are going to do . it is either A or B . there is no other option. and time is ticking , if you wait too long the decision wil be made for you.

[dropdeadlegs]

anna13, I can't post your signature (at least I don't think I can) but it says it all for me.