Huge changes, feeling happy!!

[stevensgirl]

Hi all,

Just thought I'd stop in to give an update and a HUGE thank you!! Things are going so well for me and my husband right now and I wanted to share with you all. I hope you all know how much you helped me get through a really rough time, make some decisions I HAD to make and how you all have helped me get back on my feet and maybe even helped me save my marraige!!

 

It's going on 3 weeks since I've cut myself over what transpired between me and my husband and it is such a huge relief to be able to say I've gotten through this without any new injuries. Knowing that someone else had or has the same problem as me, I don't feel so alone anymore. Some days it is a struggle to stay out of the bathroom (where I usually do it), but more and more days I'm not even thinking about doing it.

 

Big changes with Stevens ex-wife, she was served with her child support papers last Thursday. Not only that but, because she is so far in arrears, child support services is garnishing her wages. Now when she does come to pick up the kids there is nothing for her to "corner" my husband to discuss. The amount she is in arrears, the amount they are going to take out of her wages to cover her current child support as well as the arrearages will require her to take another job, at least a part time job which should take up a good portion of her extra time. Maybe she'll find it more difficult to harrass us in between jobs, if nothing else maybe she'll be too tired to harrass us. My husband has informed her that from now on, when she picks the kids up, she can wait for them at the end of the driveway. There is now no reason for her to come up to the house and smirk at me or try to cause fights with us. There has been no contact between him and her for 3 weeks now, other than to arrange for pick up and drop off's for her visitation. No more 6:00 a.m. phone calls, no more calls to say goodnight, no more just dropping in or harrassing phone calls, no more talking about her constantly or getting 500 phone calls from her a day. Our house has more security measures than Fort Knox now, with extra locks, security cameras, bells, whistles and alarms, even though it is sad that we have to live like that at the very least if she does try anything it will be caught on tape and prosecuted. I've decided that even though she "had" my husband a couple of more times, it was only because she messed him up in the head so badly that he made some poor decisions. I guess it just hadn't dawned on me that all of her extra-marital affairs and eventual demand for a divorce caused him a lot of heartache and even though he knows right from wrong, sometimes we don't always think clearly when we are thinking with our heart (or "other" body parts) instead of with our head. Steven and I have rehashed everything, got everything out in the open. I MADE him sit through having to hear all the ways he has and does hurt me, I MADE him hear all the things that I am majorly concerned about and I TOLD him what MY needs are from him. It was like starting over from scratch for us. I have him NOW, and not just part of him, I have his whole heart!!! <--- This is me smirking at her!!! He has taken all the steps to make sure that she doesn't interfere with our lives anymore, not to say that she won't try but if she does, she will pay the piper.

 

My husband and I have had some really great heart to heart talks over the last few weeks. He's been there for me more in the last few weeks than ever before. When I cried, when I told him how much he's hurt me and how my life feels sad and lonely, he cried too. My past relationships/marraige and his past relationships/marraige have contributed greatly to both of ours insecurities and fears and has caused so many of the mistakes he made and so much of the hurt that he inflicted on me, without even realizing how much damage it was causing. I believe that he was sincere when he told me how sorry he is and how much he wishes he could have a "do-over". Problem is that he can't have a "do-over" and it is up to me to understand why he did what he did and then to forgive him, otherwise no amount of self-help books or websites or chatrooms will make it better. He made a huge mistake, cheating on me with her, he agrees. Through all of his ex-wife's affairs he felt unloved and like HE wasn't good enough and after all she put him through (cheating and wanting a divorce), when he slept with her those last few times he was finally getting some of the attention that he'd wanted from her for all those years they were married. Unfortunately, when he cheated on me with her, it took him hurting me to realize that he is very much loved and to me he IS good enough.

 

I am about to sell my home, we should close on it late next week. I have spoken with an investment advisor about how to put my money away and to use it wisely, so I have something to fall back on should the need arise. Steven and I are going to live as if I have no money put away, for the time being at least. Anything I decide to do with my money will be MY decision and all of it will remain in my name only.

 

I thank you all for all of the advice you gave me, I know some of you will think I am being foolish, making the decision to stay but in the end it is my decision and I have to do what is best for me. What is best for me is to make this marraige work and know that through even the worst of times I will stand by my husband and we can survive anything...Together. I wish you all, all the best. I don't know any of you, don't know much of your stories but I do know that you all struggle with some of the same things I have and even with all of that you still found time to reply to my posts with advice and suggestions, that in itself shows me that you all MUST be good people. I kept thinking that there must have been something wrong with me that would make the man that I love so much, cheat on me. I kept thinking that I must not be good enough to deserve to be treated well and that is what makes him do the things he does. Now I understand that sometimes bad things happen to good people, sometimes good people make bad decisions and that is just the way it is.....

 

Thank you all again, I'll still be here reading, maybe the time will come that I'll be able to offer someone else some good advice. I just wanted you all to know how much I appreciate you and your help!!!! Laura