Anyone else feel this way?

[Cossette4]

At this point, I don't feel at all depressed/hurt over the actual "break up." I know I'll find someone else, I know that his new relationship is an absolute laughable joke that I honestly feel no jealousy toward, and I don't "miss" him anymore.

 

But I'm still hurt and mad that he treated me so bad. And what's worse, I don't even know how bad it might have really been. Like, I have no idea if he cheated on me and/or had this new relationship all set up in advance...or if it honestly just happened this fast after our break-up (in which case, I'd write it off as a rebound and not be all that hurt by it).

 

There are days where I see him as someone who was hurt and confused and quickly ran into a new relationship to fill a void. And then there are days where he's this slimy sneaky jerk that betrayed me for months behind my back.

 

It's hard to "put him away" in my mind and move on when I'm not sure exactly where to catagorize him. Am I filing him away in the "I loved you and even though it didn't work out, I'm happy we had what we had and I wish you well" file, or do I file him away in the "Oh my God you aren't the person I thought you were how could you betray me like this I never want to see your disgusting face again" file?

 

I've asked all of his friends and our mutual friends, who assure me they are just as clueless and confused by his sudden new relationship as I am. But then I'm scared everyone's hiding some "truth" from me they think I won't be able to handle.

 

And then there's the girl, who is just the most unattractive, immoral, creepy person I've ever seen, and it just blows my mind that someone would be attracted to THAT other than in a rebound situation.

 

Have any of you been in a situation where you moved on well enough from the "breakup" but not the treatment and the mystery that surrounded it?

[Sylky]

I am going through that exact confusion at the moment. My ex was away and was on his way back to me and met a girl at his farewell drinks and 'connected' with her. He is now back and we have broken up as he is confused about his feelings.

 

The same thoughts run through my head, how could he be attracted and even open to someone if he was coming back to me. We've talked about it and he doesn't know what to say.

 

I don't think I will ever find out, it will always remain a mystery, in the mean time I have to start moving on with my life and getting myself out there to meet new people.. It's so hard but I have to do it.

[D-Lish]

That old cliche... "what you don't know can't hurt you" bears a lot of relevance on these types of situations. DO you honestly want to know all the gory details of your exes behaviour? I'm sure if we all dug deep enough we would find out things that would fuel the pain we're already feeling.

 

Sometimes it's best to just frame something in our mind in a certain way so it lessens the hurt. Taking the attitude, "we just fell out of love" can do less damage on the ego than "he left me for someone he was cheating with". It doesn't do you any good to obsess over what really happened, in fact it can dely the healing process.

 

As much as having absolutely no contact from my ex in three months hurts like crazy. I don't have to deal with knowing who he's seeing or what he's doing. Truthfully, I don't really want to know.

 

Just choose to frame the break up details in a way that makes you feel a little better. Ie: "it's just a rebound, what we had was real, etc..."

For me, "he's an ass" works well.... so does "I deserve much better".

 

The truth doesn't always make us feel better. Having need for every little detail may be something you think you want... but it may just end up exascerbating the pain and interrupting any progress you've made recovering.

 

Remember: You are the prize.

[silentalways]

everyone will 'frame' events along the lines that is their truth - and that doesn't mean that it is false or honest - just their perception. think about when u are in a relationship and talking with yer love and you both have a different opinion on one issue. in that case what usually happens is you both respect each others opinion and work together on finding a common path that you both can live with. that's not compromising, that's a healthy relationship. so, for example, if i wanted to know why someone left me and i receive no reply, that is the answer i should accept. sometimes people are so hurt that any words or contact makes them hurt more but i think that if an answer is given we should never shade the truth or use a false excuse. no-one ever wants a novel worth of details and we often think telling someone the real deal is worse but it never is. people deal with honesty much easier than denial or lies or half truths. i know, i used to 'paint a pretty picture' when the truth would have made a huge diff. oh well, some people are slow learners [me].

[D-Lish]

everyone will 'frame' events along the lines that is their truth - and that doesn't mean that it is false or honest - just their perception. think about when u are in a relationship and talking with yer love and you both have a different opinion on one issue. in that case what usually happens is you both respect each others opinion and work together on finding a common path that you both can live with. that's not compromising, that's a healthy relationship. so, for example, if i wanted to know why someone left me and i receive no reply, that is the answer i should accept. sometimes people are so hurt that any words or contact makes them hurt more but i think that if an answer is given we should never shade the truth or use a false excuse. no-one ever wants a novel worth of details and we often think telling someone the real deal is worse but it never is. people deal with honesty much easier than denial or lies or half truths. i know, i used to 'paint a pretty picture' when the truth would have made a huge diff. oh well, some people are slow learners [me].

 

It's not about painting a pretty picture, or distorting the truth to deny your own accountability. There are just some things surrounding a break up that can cause more damage than is necessary.

 

It's about being able to let go, and not prolonging the pain by searching for details that could be hurtful. Why go searching for information that might be a detriment to your well being?

 

It's one thing to be with someone and want to know if you're being cheated on... it's different to search for that answer afterward. That's an invitation for further pain, and it's a choice to search for that pain.

 

I choose to accept my own behaviours that contributed to my break up, and do what I need to do to deal with that. But I'm not going to make a conscious choice to seek further suffering at this point. How would that help me? It wouldn't, it would only take me back to square one in the grieving process.

 

If the relationship is over, and you're trying to move on~ searching for evidence that will hurt you all over again just doesn't make sense. Obsessing over the details is going to crush your spirit.

 

Choosing NOT to check out the exes myspace or deciding NOT to ask friends for information isn't hiding from the truth, it's making a choice to move forward.

 

Is knowing your ex cheated or lied going to give you closure? No, but it will bring the pain right back to the surface again.

 

I'm simply stating that you have a choice in situations like these.

You can stay stuck in the sordid details of the past, or you can do what you need to do to make yourself feel better.

 

At some point you have to frame what happened in a certain way so you can get through the crisis. Why go searching for information that will make you feel crappy?

[Trialbyfire]

I dealt with it a different way. I had to know all the gory details and then processed them over and over in my mind. When I built up negative, angry, bitter energy, I disgorged it on him. Almost immediately, I felt much better. It was bizarre, lol.

[Guest]

I really do think it's good advice not to dwell on the past or seek out the gory details because that will just bring more suckiness to the way I already feel.

 

But I guess, because I don't know the truth, I hold out hoping that what I find will actually bring me comfort and relief instead of more hurt. Like if I could find out he didn't betray me and the choices he is making now, while poor, were not in any way a betrayal to me, I'd feel so much better.

 

However, you are right, D-Lish--the other possibility is finding out a truth I don't want to hear, and that could just end up setting me back.

 

Everyone says, "Oh you'll get a phone call someday....trust me." And a part of me really thinks I will---we were together for 5 years, and it ended messily and abruptly. But if I don't know the truth, how will I know what to say if that phone call ever comes? I'm a very forgiving person to a point, but I would never forgive cheating or scamming behind my back. So if that phone rings, I don't know whether to just absolutely go off with my speech about what scum he is (if he cheated), or forgive him for making bad choices after the break-up (if he rebounded)...

 

I wish I could just stop thinking about this

[Cossette4]

I really do think it's good advice not to dwell on the past or seek out the gory details because that will just bring more suckiness to the way I already feel.

 

But I guess, because I don't know the truth, I hold out hoping that what I find will actually bring me comfort and relief instead of more hurt. Like if I could find out he didn't betray me and the choices he is making now, while poor, were not in any way a betrayal to me, I'd feel so much better.

 

However, you are right, D-Lish--the other possibility is finding out a truth I don't want to hear, and that could just end up setting me back.

 

Everyone says, "Oh you'll get a phone call someday....trust me." And a part of me really thinks I will---we were together for 5 years, and it ended messily and abruptly. But if I don't know the truth, how will I know what to say if that phone call ever comes? I'm a very forgiving person to a point, but I would never forgive cheating or scamming behind my back. So if that phone rings, I don't know whether to just absolutely go off with my speech about what scum he is (if he cheated), or forgive him for making bad choices after the break-up (if he rebounded)...

 

I wish I could just stop thinking about this

[D-Lish]

Well, you're completely right about how the answer could make you feel better or worse. I guess if you want to ask the question, you have to first be prepared for any answer. That is what you have to come to terms with before you search for an answer~ if you're prepared for something that might hurt you.

 

Is it possible to cross that bridge when you come to it? I mean, wait and see if the phone call comes and then deal with it at that time?

 

I dwell too, mostly on the "what if's" and that has kept me a little stuck.

5 Years is a long time. I think you need to find closure any way you need to. But dwelling is also a part of the healing process.

 

I suspect that if you guys share a friend group that the truth will unravel itself in time regardless. That's probably inevitable.

 

I just don't want you to get hurt unnecessarily.

Some people need to know the whole truth, nothing but the truth...and some don't want to know everything. I fall into the latter catagory!

 

Hopefully, when that call comes you'll have moved on and won't want him back! That would be the best revenge you could have!

All the best,

D

[sacamano]

You said it "And then there's the girl, who is just the most unattractive, immoral, creepy person I've ever seen." So who cares...forget about it...find someone super attractive and make him feel like crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know easier said than done but try.