noforgiveness Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Im not a parent , but Im also not a roommate. Why stay with someone who just owes you to stay with you, for the house and the other things that entails. If they stay for that..Maybe a second job or, alimony is in order. I rather be with someone who LOVES me and WANTS to be with me exactly and obviously he doesn't because he chooses to LIVE with his wife. He can still be a father, even a better father, without being a LYING husband.
noforgiveness Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Whatever gets you through. whatever gets ME through?? LOL I am not in anyway near your situation or the nightmare that you are doing to his wife and kids. I don't need something to get me through but i honestly think you are a caring person but are extremely naive and believing of this man and need a mAJOR wakeup call before you waste your whole life waiting for him. It really gets to me watching women waste their lives like this hoping for that fairytale that belongs to someone else even though he's actually a toad.
noforgiveness Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Whatever gets you through. oh and you did not answer any of those questions because deep down you know the answer and you know what you need to do...
frannie Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 whatever gets ME through?? LOL I am not in anyway near your situation or the nightmare that you are doing to his wife and kids. I don't need something to get me through but i honestly think you are a caring person but are extremely naive and believing of this man and need a mAJOR wakeup call before you waste your whole life waiting for him. It really gets to me watching women waste their lives like this hoping for that fairytale that belongs to someone else even though he's actually a toad. There's an awful lot of generalising and making of blanket statements on this thread Are all cheaters toads? Or does that just apply to the 'cakemen'? And I still haven't seen anyone take a stab at defining a cakeman on the basis of behaviour (as I discussed in my last post on that thread).
PollyPocket Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Whatever gets you through. My husband says that...MAKES ME SICK:sick:
noforgiveness Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 There's an awful lot of generalising and making of blanket statements on this thread Are all cheaters toads? Or does that just apply to the 'cakemen'? And I still haven't seen anyone take a stab at defining a cakeman on the basis of behaviour (as I discussed in my last post on that thread). are all cheaters toads? YES or a lower life form. There is no respect in cheating. There is no excuse for it. do you really think there are reasons to cheat? exceptions that make it ok?
frannie Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 are all cheaters toads? YES or a lower life form. There is no respect in cheating. There is no excuse for it. do you really think there are reasons to cheat? exceptions that make it ok? I agree that being unfaithful isn't something to merit respect. And I don't think there are 'excuses' for it, either. But yes, I do think there are reasons that people cheat. Of course there are. Whether or not and to what degree it's 'ok' is debatable.
peacelove Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 So if noforgiveness' husband is a cheater (toad) why stay in the marriage?
noforgiveness Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 So if noforgiveness' husband is a cheater (toad) why stay in the marriage? First of all he's my toad. do you know my story? he is not running around having a physical affair with some strange woman and continuing it lying to her. Secondly for women whose husbands were there is a thing as remorsefulness and fixing the marriage. I see NO remorse in the stories of these other women. I just see people having fun with no care who gets hurt.
frannie Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 First of all he's my toad. do you know my story? he is not running around having a physical affair with some strange woman and continuing it lying to her. Secondly for women whose husbands were there is a thing as remorsefulness and fixing the marriage. I see NO remorse in the stories of these other women. I just see people having fun with no care who gets hurt. Well what you think you see, and what is the truth, are probably two different things in many cases. You make a lot of assumptions about people's motives, thoughts and feelings. As for 'he's my toad'... well that's a good one. It's always harder and more complicated to deal with real people than it is 'situations' presented online. Always easier to dismiss. When it's real, when it's your relationship, it's a different kettle of fish. And that goes for OW and BS.
noforgiveness Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Well what you think you see, and what is the truth, are probably two different things in many cases. You make a lot of assumptions about people's motives, thoughts and feelings. As for 'he's my toad'... well that's a good one. It's always harder and more complicated to deal with real people than it is 'situations' presented online. Always easier to dismiss. When it's real, when it's your relationship, it's a different kettle of fish. And that goes for OW and BS. there is NO situation that would make me believe it is ok to have a relationship with a married man. NONE.
peacelove Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 If all mm would just stay with their wives, there would be no more ow to worry about.
noforgiveness Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 If all mm would just stay with their wives, there would be no more ow to worry about. women should have more respect for themselves and respect the boundaries of marriage. If a man says he is married then he is off limits. That's pretty obvious to me.The blame does not just lay with the married man.
peacelove Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 women should have more respect for themselves and respect the boundaries of marriage. If a man says he is married then he is off limits. That's pretty obvious to me.The blame does not just lay with the married man. I beg to differ. The husband has most of the blame if not all. Your husband should not be having extramarital affairs, lying to YOU, lying to the woman he is trying to lay & acting single. Way to go hubby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
lasan Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 I agree. I think too many burned spouses place entirely too much blame on the OW and not enough blame on the WS. I dont' buy the whole "he got sucked in" bit. He made a choice to cheat. He made a choice to break his vows. Unless he is missing a chunk of his brain, (even though he may not be acting like he has all of his brain lol) He is in control of his decisions.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 there is NO situation that would make me believe it is ok to have a relationship with a married man. NONE. Not even if you REALLY REALLY wanted it. Not even if he promised you the moon. Not even if he told you he couldn't live without you. What if you just knew that you were sole mates, his wife was abusive, he understood you like no other. You mean NO situation. I have to agree, I just honestly never ever knew how many people out there don't care. That reality has literally rocked my world. I never knew how prevelant it was.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 I agree that WS is completely to blame, he is breaking a commitment to his wife. OW owes her nothing. But when OW enters this triange and makes decisions that affect the W's life, she is now responsible for the consequences of those actions at that point, which is where this thread began, huh?
yousaveme Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 women should have more respect for themselves and respect the boundaries of marriage. If a man says he is married then he is off limits. That's pretty obvious to me.The blame does not just lay with the married man. Your right to some point the blame goes further in just the MM. I accept my blame. I know he was married. I feel bad when we got caught I was worried about him and the kids. Its something I struggle with. But what makes me laugh is the protection that the BS is give to the MM. If he was happy then he wouldnt be cheating would HE. If the marriage was a bed of roses. He wouldnt be in someones else bed. IF there was this great communication HE wouldnt be communicating with someone else about his feelings and thoughts. It takes two to make something work. Nothing works independently.
peacelove Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Your right to some point the blame goes further in just the MM. I accept my blame. I know he was married. I feel bad when we got caught I was worried about him and the kids. Its something I struggle with. But what makes me laugh is the protection that the BS is give to the MM. If he was happy then he wouldnt be cheating would HE. If the marriage was a bed of roses. He wouldnt be in someones else bed. IF there was this great communication HE wouldnt be communicating with someone else about his feelings and thoughts. It takes two to make something work. Nothing works independently. It's all wishful thinking on the bw's part. That's all.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Your right to some point the blame goes further in just the MM. I accept my blame. I know he was married. I feel bad when we got caught I was worried about him and the kids. Its something I struggle with. But what makes me laugh is the protection that the BS is give to the MM. If he was happy then he wouldnt be cheating would HE. If the marriage was a bed of roses. He wouldnt be in someones else bed. IF there was this great communication HE wouldnt be communicating with someone else about his feelings and thoughts. It takes two to make something work. Nothing works independently. Or in some cases 3! "It's all wishful thinking on the bw's part. That's all." Not mine, I believe that all MM/MW and OM/OW deserve each other. Let them F*@% Up each other's life just stay the H#** out of mine.
lasan Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Your right to some point the blame goes further in just the MM. I accept my blame. I know he was married. I feel bad when we got caught I was worried about him and the kids. Its something I struggle with. But what makes me laugh is the protection that the BS is give to the MM. If he was happy then he wouldnt be cheating would HE. If the marriage was a bed of roses. He wouldnt be in someones else bed. IF there was this great communication HE wouldnt be communicating with someone else about his feelings and thoughts. It takes two to make something work. Nothing works independently. This is very true in alot of cases. (Not all of them, mind you. When I was with my ex, I tried everything to make him happy. I am almost embarrassed now at the things I did to keep him happy. I don't think I am the normal case though, the stuff my ex did was Jerry Springer worthy.) It is so easy to blame an OW over the WS. When I was getting divorced I had to take a good look at things. I took a hard, realistic look at if I had contributed ANYTHING that could have led to the situation I was in. This served two purposes. It gave me peace of mind, and it would also help me not make the same mistakes twice. When I remarried, rest his soul, my hubby probably thought I was nuts lol. I had/have a zero tolerance policy for this sort of thing with people I am dating. If you are unhappy, talk to me about it. I will do my best to rectify it. Don't expose me to diseases then say "Oh but honeylumps I got sucked in....you neglected me, blah blabbity blah blah blah" I talked to my spouse all the time about how he was feeling. I don't think he was anything like my ex, I am pretty sure I would have never had to worry about him. Sorry Kinda got off on a tangent there....don't mind me. Pretty soon I will be talking to my cats
yousaveme Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 I was just trying to say. If you want something to work you work at it ALL the time. I want my relationship to work so I work at it. He works at it. Its the same principle with everything. You want a great body...You work at it and stay working at it..If you dont it doesnt just happen to stay great. Then you wake up one morning and say how did I get this way. DO you solely blame it on the donuts or the other stuff. NO you look at yourself and see what happen to starting you to get that way. It the same thing in a relationship. You work at it to keep it alive. No matter how small it might be you do it because you want it to be alive. When you dont really want it anymore you let go.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 My analogy differs just a tad. Lets say you are a surgeon who one day during the middle of operating on a patient decides you are unhappy. You always wanted to be a clown. Now do you complete the surgery and quit your job to join the circus or do you start juggling organs and leave the patient with their heart ripped out. I happen to believe that you are obligated to finish what you started BEFORE starting a new career that will make you happy. I also believe that you have the right to start a new career or whatever brings you happiness, but just close that patient up first.
yousaveme Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 My analogy differs just a tad. Lets say you are a surgeon who one day during the middle of operating on a patient decides you are unhappy. You always wanted to be a clown. Now do you complete the surgery and quit your job to join the circus or do you start juggling organs and leave the patient with their heart ripped out. I happen to believe that you are obligated to finish what you started BEFORE starting a new career that will make you happy. I also believe that you have the right to start a new career or whatever brings you happiness, but just close that patient up first. This is also bears true..
pureinheart Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Every situation is different....marriages are hard work, although if it is not working the answer isn't to cheat. Having been on all sides of this coin, by not being straight up I had nothing but confusion in my life. Anyway, it was brought up in this thread that the MM knows what consequences could take place, the discovery of the A. In my case a lot of people knew based on how the MM chased me, he was literally relentless and still is. He kept all the other guys away from me (and at the time I was so flattered....yuk), he even called one of the supervisors over at my new job to keep an eye on me...it goes on and on.... I had people come up to me on a number of occasions asking me how I was able to handle it, they saw my desire to be left alone, and they also saw the games he played.....they ALL wondered how I was able to NOT contact his wife....they all said if it would have been them..... In my case it would have been the wrong thing for many reasons....now when I did threaten that due to the fact that he hasn't respected my wishes for him to stay away he freaked out and I saw an extremely cruel side to him. Kind of like, "how could I do that", and was extremely protective of his home situation. "Serial Cheaters" (I really like that term!) live in their own little world, and I would say more than not the OW was not the first and in some cases there are several.... Why did I think I was so above being found out? Why do the MM think they are so above being found out?
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