update on hopeto's I dont know.....

[hopeto]

Hey everybody!!!!! this is long but please read......if you read my past posts I am the one who was sexually abused as a child and that husband was caught looking at child porn on the internet (girls 10 to 15) well I wrote him a 10 page letter. I done this before I left to go out of town for the holidays and it was a mushie letter. I was so upset before I left and felt I needed to tell him. I wrote things like I rember when we first kissed and where we met and some tender times. I wrote how much I loved him and wanted him to just see me.

 

well I came back home to a letter that I was fat and nasty, that I did not ever clean the house, that dog crap on the porch and about how he could cut my horses throat and just watch them bleed and go home and sleep like a baby etc,etc. well I just said that right there I just cant take it no more. he said that he bought me the horses cause I wanted them , he bought me a new home, and a new truck and he comes home to a dirty house. well here it is. the new home was what he wanted cause he keep his mom involved in our marriage and it was either move or divorce.

 

well instead of looking for a house on some land like I wanted(because its all about what I wanted in which it is not) he said he wanted a house in a subdivision. so that is where we moved. the dog crap comes from the dog he had to have one of his three month kicks when the new wears off the dog is lost!!!! he did not house train her and she was in the kennel for 6 mnths when she was about six months old so she goes on the porch when it rains.she is a small dog and does not like it when the yard is wet in which she goes on the concreate. all is needed is the water hose to spray it off.

 

well, he used the horses to get the truck.in which is almost 800 a month note and I said to him I did not feel like that would be a good idea and he said that he did not need my permission that he was getting the truck but used my horse to get it. his truck and the home is where HE wanted to live not where WE wanted to live!!!my house is NEVER dirty. he is just a perfectionest and if I dust and move one thing an inch off he comes in and moves it over. my body in the letter does not belong me it belongs to him he said I gave it to him when I married him.

 

I had horses before we married and we discussed all the things we wanted in a marriage before we married and I love animals and I am tender to them and I have sucker written across my forehead on animals that are lost and need help to get a good home and I like to rescue them. I never changed and still love him like when we first married and really even deeper. what is funny is I lost weight not once but more times than that and he just picked apart something else and nothing changed!!!! I even lost so much weight I had to have emergency surgery on my gawblatter!!! I have done so much on trying to change he has made me choose my family over him and I choose him then it was sell the horses then it was send my neice that was not wanted that was living with us and was finaly feeling loved away, I did...then it was I was fat again then it was the horses then it was this and then that. I asked him to go to cousling and he says there is nothing wrong with him.

 

I just cant do this anymore he is like a ten year old child full of rage and anger and he will never have a healthy relationship. he has been married once before I have not. I just cant do it anymore I need to be loved. he wants me to be that 15 year old child he dated in the start and I am 33 and will never be like a 15 year old so I give up. I just hate it for our daughter. he says that advise I have gotten from here I know all of you personaly and none of you know what you are talking about etc,etc...that I am setting out to hurt him and I have just given up.

 

I will never be perfect and that is what he needs. he wants me to clean cook and take care of everything while he sits on the couch. my day starts with getting up getting myself ready, my 5 year old ready for school. then get her lunch fixed take her to school then me go to work then I have to leave work to pick her up at school when she gets out then go back to work(in which is 35 mins from where we live and from her school) then leave from work and go feed the horses in which I dont mind cause they are mine then I have to go home do homework, clean the house, then cook then give her a bath get her ready for bed and try to get some laundry in in the meantime. then after dinner I have to clean up.

 

I am doing everything while he sits his a@@ on th couch flipping the channels. on the weekends he gets up at the but crack of dawn and wants me to get up to clean. I am the kinda person I like to wake up first and just mosie around till I am ready. when his family comes which is rare that house has to be so spotless. floors mopped and swept, livving room carpets shampooed and vachumed, dusted in all nooks and craveys he even gets on his hands and knees to clean the bathroom floors. I am not the best house cleaner but my house is by far dirty!!!!!! it is cleaned each day not spic and spaned but cleaned. I just could keep going on and on but I just am tired!!!! I have just gave it to GOD cause he is the only one that if this marraige is to work he is the only one to fix it.

 

my husband has a heart of steele and cares for no one!!!!! he is so cold and even his friends and family says they just dont know why he is like that but see that he is cold hearted. I am right the oppset. I love everyone and it kills me when I see someone hurting. he has done so much to me... finding what I did that he was looking at and then all the nasty remarks why do I still love him??? some say it is because he is all I know and that a healthy marraige sould not be like this and that there are men who treat there wives better and actually love them. my husband thinks he knows everything...he is a doctor, an person that knows how diets work and he is a person who knows it all. well he may not know to much cause he has lost me and the only one that has ever loved him. I just need to know why I love him still and why I just cant say go to hell and leave even after what he has done.

[Guest]

I am so sorry to hear that you're going through this. As a child I was sexually abused from the time I was five on up and my step father had the same problem. Child pornography, griping about my mom, even went so far as to start verbally abusing her. He then slept with one of her best friends and that is where it ended, although my mom knew he had been sexually abusing me for many years. Great parents!

 

Here in lies the problem, I understand you love him and you have many years invested in him, but child pornography? Come on. I am not suggesting that he is messing with your five year old but if he is looking at girls from the ages of ten to fifteen then what do you think he'll do once she starts hitting the age of ten? Don't say it couldn't happen because it could. If you don't get out for any other reason then this is the reason to get out because I can tell you, sexual abuse looms for years and it caused me much damage. I would never stay with a man that had to get off to child porn or even look at it. To me that is highly disgusting. I would turn him in. I don't care how many years I invested into the relationship. Children deserve to be protected. I'm not saying you're not protecting your child. I'm trying to advise you to get out of there as fast as you can and don't look back.

 

He is abusive to you. Look at all you wrote about him. He is abusive. Let all of it serve if nothing else as a wake up call for you to leave. He doesn't care about anyone else but himself. Now is the time for you to care about yourself and the well being of your child. Divorce and don't look back. There is no amount of help that can rehabilitate a person like that. Trust me, my mom and the court made my step dad go to counseling and he still abused me for many many many years. It's not worth it.

[Gunny376]

I have to ask ~ what are you getting out of this marriage? Out of this relationship. I know what he's getting

 

a cook

a maid

a field hand

a babysitter and nanny

and a at hand piece of azz, on demand even

 

And, then everything you say and do is wrong? Everything you don't say and do is wrong? The only way you're going to win this game is to resufe to play it.

 

As a man, the way I see it, if the wife works and I work, then its whoever hits the back door first, gets busy getting busy with whatever housework needs to be done. With the other spouse pitcing in when they get in.

 

If the wife doesn't work and is a SAHM (Stay At Home Mom) then yea, I expect her to pick up the bulk of the household chores, with my pitching in just to ease her load and burden, and to keep me from getting lazy. Even if you were just a SAHM, most SAHM's do the work of two forty hour jobs. (Dr. Phil)

 

To go through what you're going through ~ minus the child pornography ~ is bad enough. But, the child porn would be the final nail in the coffin! I wouldn't be going, I'd be gone! This guy is a SICKO!

 

I don't get child porn?! I just don't. I see children, and I think they're God's most precious gift to us. And, it is our duty and responsiblity to love and protect them from preditors like your husband.

 

You're caught in it as well, you're as much a vicitim of it, and the children are. It is entirely possible to love and to be in love with the very person that is absouletly the worse person for you mentally, spiritally, emotionally, and physically.

 

You know this is wrong. You know this isn't right! You know there isn't any defense to this! You know you're putting your DD's at risk! You know what the right thing is ~ just do the right thing! And, leave his azz!

 

 

Hard? Yes! Difficult? Yes! Scary? Yes!

 

 

But you know what the right thing is, and you need to do the right thing!

 

The thing is? This guy is like a cockroach! The thing about cockroaches is that for everyone that you see, there are hundreds you don't see, nor know about. I'd be willing to bet that you only know 10% of what's really going on! And that 10% is pretty f******** scary!

 

Don't be going! Be gone!

[hopeto]

I have to ask ~ what are you getting out of this marriage? Out of this relationship. I know what he's getting

 

a cook

a maid

a field hand

a babysitter and nanny

and a at hand piece of azz, on demand even

 

And, then everything you say and do is wrong? Everything you don't say and do is wrong? The only way you're going to win this game is to resufe to play it.

 

As a man, the way I see it, if the wife works and I work, then its whoever hits the back door first, gets busy getting busy with whatever housework needs to be done. With the other spouse pitcing in when they get in.

 

If the wife doesn't work and is a SAHM (Stay At Home Mom) then yea, I expect her to pick up the bulk of the household chores, with my pitching in just to ease her load and burden, and to keep me from getting lazy. Even if you were just a SAHM, most SAHM's do the work of two forty hour jobs. (Dr. Phil)

 

To go through what you're going through ~ minus the child pornography ~ is bad enough. But, the child porn would be the final nail in the coffin! I wouldn't be going, I'd be gone! This guy is a SICKO!

 

I don't get child porn?! I just don't. I see children, and I think they're God's most precious gift to us. And, it is our duty and responsiblity to love and protect them from preditors like your husband.

 

You're caught in it as well, you're as much a vicitim of it, and the children are. It is entirely possible to love and to be in love with the very person that is absouletly the worse person for you mentally, spiritally, emotionally, and physically.

 

You know this is wrong. You know this isn't right! You know there isn't any defense to this! You know you're putting your DD's at risk! You know what the right thing is ~ just do the right thing! And, leave his azz!

 

 

Hard? Yes! Difficult? Yes! Scary? Yes!

 

 

But you know what the right thing is, and you need to do the right thing!

 

The thing is? This guy is like a cockroach! The thing about cockroaches is that for everyone that you see, there are hundreds you don't see, nor know about. I'd be willing to bet that you only know 10% of what's really going on! And that 10% is pretty f******** scary!

 

Don't be going! Be gone!

how do I start. my doc I have been seeing is great and he is very nice. it is nice to talk to someone and to get it out in the open. I have only been twice but I see my weekness already. am I a stupid????? why is that love is so hard????

 

I find it very easy for me and yet so hard to stop it. my heart is in a million parts and I am like a person who is blind on the floor trying to put it back together but all the parts are just out of arms reach. you know what is funny is I used to have dreams that he was cheating...... all the time!!!!!!!! before I found what I found. I hade dreams of him cheating and leaving me and when I found what I did the dreams have stopped.

 

not one have I had at all. I just dont understand. he friend said he told him he wanted me to look like I did when we were dateing. that was when I was 15 I am 33 now and will never be that size. is there really something wrong with me???? I dont know but the maddness needs to stop. can a man recover and get help and be the man he needs to be? I know GOD can change all and he can help him but you cant be helped if you dont want it. what is bad is I see him hurting I know he is but I think it is because he got caught not because he is truly remorseful or is he????

 

he is ashamed but is it because he got caught? I know he is still looking at the porn not children anymore but like girls at the age of 18 and 19 cause I seen another picture and I have seen faces of girls he has looked at like women he is intrested in. I also belive he has been on a private dating room like where he can go and have internet sex with. hell he probly has even meet someone I dont know. is it just hard cause it was something that was a worst fear of mine and now it has come true...is that why it is so hard???? I just need someone to love me that is all. I just want to be loved.

[Gunny376]

I just need someone to love me that is all. I just want to be loved.

 

Then you're with the wrong man! This guy has a porn "addiction" and at the present time, and in the long forseeable future he's going to be incapable of seeing women (to include you) as anything more than a VLSS, (Vaginal Life Support System) put here on this Earth for anything more than his sexual gradification ~ rather than the sentient, caring, loving, emotional, spiritual, multi-faceted, intelligent human beings they have the propensity to be!

 

Can he change? Yes!

 

Will he change? Probally not!

[Mz. Pixie]

Oh gunny, I love you. WHere ya been man?? We've been missing ya!

[ilmw]

Then you're with the wrong man! This guy has a porn "addiction" and at the present time, and in the long forseeable future he's going to be incapable of seeing women (to include you) as anything more than a VLSS, (Vaginal Life Support System) put here on this Earth for anything more than his sexual gradification ~ rather than the sentient, caring, loving, emotional, spiritual, multi-faceted, intelligent human beings they have the propensity to be!

 

Can he change? Yes!

 

Will he change? Probally not!

 

Once again a great post gunny.

 

hopeto... I'm not trying to freak you out here... but please read the below definition

 

Child porn is a serious matter... posession is illegal... and a serious offence.. for good reasons.

 

I'm not saying your H is one... but...!!!

 

BTW...your H sounds like a real arse!

Pedophilia

 

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

 

Jump to: [COLOR=#800080]navigation[/COLOR], [COLOR=#800080]search[/COLOR]

Pedophilia, paedophilia or pædophilia (see [COLOR=#0000ff]spelling differences[/COLOR]) is the [COLOR=#0000ff]paraphilia[/COLOR] of being [COLOR=#0000ff]sexually attracted[/COLOR] primarily or exclusively to prepubescent or [COLOR=#0000ff]peripubescent[/COLOR] [COLOR=#0000ff]children[/COLOR]. People with this attraction are called pedophiles.

In contrast to the generally accepted medical definition, the term pedophile is also used colloquially to denote significantly older adults who are [COLOR=#0000ff]sexually attracted to adolescents[/COLOR] below the local [COLOR=#0000ff]age of consent[/COLOR],[COLOR=#800080][1][/COLOR] as well as those who have [COLOR=#0000ff]sexually abused a child[/COLOR].

Contents

 

[[COLOR=#0000ff]hide[/COLOR]]

• <LI class=toclevel-1>

[COLOR=#800080]1 Definitions[/COLOR] <LI class=toclevel-1>[COLOR=#800080]2 Diagnosis[/COLOR] <LI class=toclevel-1>[COLOR=#800080]3 Extent of occurrence[/COLOR]

• [COLOR=#800080]3.1 Occurrence in child sex offenders[/COLOR]

<LI class=toclevel-1>[COLOR=#800080]4 Treatment[/COLOR]

• <LI class=toclevel-2>

[COLOR=#800080]4.1 Non-medical therapies[/COLOR] <LI class=toclevel-2>[COLOR=#800080]4.2 Medical therapies[/COLOR]
[COLOR=#800080]4.3 Criticisms of treatment strategies[/COLOR]

<LI class=toclevel-1>[COLOR=#800080]5 Related terms[/COLOR] <LI class=toclevel-1>[COLOR=#800080]6 Pedophile activism[/COLOR] <LI class=toclevel-1>[COLOR=#800080]7 See also[/COLOR] <LI class=toclevel-1>[COLOR=#800080]8 Notes and references[/COLOR]

[*][COLOR=#800080]9 External links[/COLOR]

//

[[COLOR=#0000ff]edit[/COLOR]] Definitions

 

The word comes from the [COLOR=#0000ff]Greek[/COLOR] paidophilia (παιδοφιλία)—pais (παις, "child") and philia (φιλία, "love, friendship"). Paidophilia was coined by Greek poets either as a substitute for "paiderastia" ([COLOR=#0000ff]pederasty[/COLOR])[COLOR=#800080][2][/COLOR], or vice versa[COLOR=#800080][3][/COLOR]. As paederastia and pederasty were used in a derogatory manner since the time of ancient Rome until the mid-20th century due to its exclusive sexual meaning while paedophilia was not due to the originally more sublime meaning of φιλία in classical Greek compared to εραστια, the latter version of the story might be more likely.

The term paedophilia erotica was coined in [COLOR=#0000ff]1886[/COLOR] by the Vienna psychiatrist [COLOR=#0000ff]Richard von Krafft-Ebing[/COLOR] in his writing [COLOR=#0000ff]Psychopathia Sexualis[/COLOR].[COLOR=#800080][4][/COLOR] He gave the following characteristics:

• the sexual interest is toward children, either prepubescent or at the beginning of puberty
  
• the sexual interest is the primary one, that is, exclusively or mainly toward children
  
• the sexual interest remains over time

Strictly speaking, this definition would include many adolescents and prepubescents, for whom such an interest might be normal; thus, some experts add the criterion that the interest be toward children at least five years younger than the subject. See entry for sexologist [COLOR=#0000ff]Dr. John Money[/COLOR].

Krafft-Ebing also categorized child molesters into three types:

• a.) pedophile,
  
• b.) surrogate (that is, the child is regarded as a [COLOR=#0000ff]surrogate[/COLOR] object for a preferred, non-available adult object)
  
• c.) sadistic.

Other researchers used their own terms for the Krafft-Ebing categories:

• a.) preferential/structured/fixed (i. e. pedophile) type,
  
• b.) situational/opportunistic/regressed/incest (i. e. surrogate) type
  
• c.) sadistic (no change)

This three-type model as well as the fundamental mental and behavioural differences of the three types were empirically evidenced, among others, by Kinsey; Howells 1981;[COLOR=#800080][5][/COLOR] Abel, Mittleman & Becker 1985;[COLOR=#800080][6][/COLOR] Knight et al. 1985;[COLOR=#800080][7][/COLOR] Brongersma 1990;[COLOR=#800080][8][/COLOR] McConaghy 1993;[COLOR=#800080][9][/COLOR] Ward et al. 1995;[COLOR=#800080][10][/COLOR] Hoffmann 1996;[COLOR=#800080][11][/COLOR] Seikowski 1999.[COLOR=#800080][12][/COLOR]

Use of the term pedophile to describe all child sexual offenders is seen as problematic by some people,[COLOR=#800080][13][/COLOR][COLOR=#800080][14][/COLOR][COLOR=#800080][15][/COLOR] especially when viewed from a medical standpoint, as the majority of sex crimes against children are perpetrated by [COLOR=#0000ff]situational offenders[/COLOR] rather than people sexually preferring prepubertal children.[COLOR=#800080][16][/COLOR][COLOR=#800080][17][/COLOR][COLOR=#800080][18][/COLOR] Nevertheless, some researchers, such as Howard E. Barbaree,[COLOR=#800080][19][/COLOR] have endorsed the use of actions as a sole criterion for the diagnosis of pedophilia as a means of taxonomic simplification, rebuking the [COLOR=#0000ff]American Psychiatric Association[/COLOR]'s standards as "unsatisfactory".

Some individuals,[COLOR=#800080][20][/COLOR][COLOR=#800080][21][/COLOR] such as Dr. Fred S. Berlin,[COLOR=#800080][22][/COLOR][COLOR=#800080][23][/COLOR] assert sexual attraction to children to be a [COLOR=#0000ff]sexual orientation[/COLOR] in itself. Berlins asserts, "I think it can be both a disorder and an orientation."[COLOR=#800080][24][/COLOR] Dan Markussen, spokesman for [COLOR=#0000ff]Danish Pedophile Association[/COLOR], argues that "sexual orientation is defined as a lifelong attraction, which pedophilia obviously is."[COLOR=#800080][24][/COLOR]

[COLOR=#800080][/COLOR]

[[COLOR=#0000ff]edit[/COLOR]] Diagnosis

 

The [COLOR=#0000ff]International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems[/COLOR] (F65.4) defines pedophilia as "a sexual preference for children, boys or girls or both, usually of prepubertal or early pubertal age."[COLOR=#800080][25][/COLOR]

The [COLOR=#0000ff]APA[/COLOR]'s [COLOR=#0000ff]Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders[/COLOR] 4th edition, Text Revision gives the following as its "Diagnostic criteria for 302.2 Pedophilia":[COLOR=#800080][26][/COLOR]

• Over a period of at least 6 months, recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors involving sexual activity with a prepubescent child or children (generally age 13 years or younger).
  
• The person has acted on these urges, or the sexual urges or fantasies cause marked distress or interpersonal difficulty.
  
• The person is at least age 16 years and at least 5 years older than the child or children in Criterion A.

Do not include an individual in late adolescence involved in an ongoing sexual relationship with a 12 or 13-year-old.

The actual boundaries between childhood and [COLOR=#0000ff]adolescence[/COLOR] may vary in individual cases and are difficult to define in rigid terms of age. The [COLOR=#0000ff]World Health Organization[/COLOR], for instance, defines adolescence as the period of life between 10 and 19 years of age,[COLOR=#800080][27][/COLOR] though it is most often defined as the period of life between the ages of 13 and 18.

The APA diagnostic criteria do not require actual sexual activity with a child. The diagnosis can therefore be made based on the presence of fantasies or sexual urges alone, provided the subject meets the remaining criteria.

 

[[COLOR=#0000ff]edit[/COLOR]] Extent of occurrence

 

The extent to which pedophilia occurs is not known with any certainty. Some studies have concluded that at least a quarter of all adult men may have some feelings of sexual arousal in connection with children.[COLOR=#800080][28][/COLOR] Freund et al. (1972) remarked that "with males who have no deviant object preferences, clearly positive sexual reactions occur to [nude] 6- to 8-year old female children."[COLOR=#800080][29][/COLOR]

In 1989 Briere and Runtz conducted a study on 193 male [COLOR=#0000ff]undergraduate[/COLOR] students concerning pedophilia. Of the sample, 21% acknowledged sexual attraction to some small children; 9% reported sexual fantasies involving children; 5% admitted [COLOR=#0000ff]masturbating[/COLOR] to these fantasies; and 7% conceded some probability of actually having [COLOR=#0000ff]sex[/COLOR] with a child if they could avoid detection and punishment. These sexual interests were associated with negative early sexual experiences, masturbation to pornography, self-reported likelihood of raping a woman, frequent sex partners, and attitudes supportive of sexual dominance over women. The authors also noted that "given the probable social undesirability of such admissions, [one could] hypothesize that the actual rates ... were even higher."[COLOR=#800080][30][/COLOR]

A study by Hall et al. of Kent State University found that 32.5% of their sample — 80 adult male volunteers, 20% of whom reported some attraction to prepubescent girls — exhibited sexual arousal to heterosexual pedophilic stimuli that equaled or exceeded their arousal to the adult stimuli.[COLOR=#800080][31][/COLOR]

[COLOR=#800080][/COLOR]

[[COLOR=#0000ff]edit[/COLOR]] Occurrence in child sex offenders

 

A perpetrator of [COLOR=#0000ff]child sexual abuse[/COLOR] is, despite all medical definitions, commonly assumed to be a pedophile, and referred to as such; however, there may be other motivations for the crime[COLOR=#800080][19][/COLOR] (such as stress, marital problems, or the unavailability of an adult partner),[COLOR=#800080][32][/COLOR] much as adult [COLOR=#0000ff]rape[/COLOR] can have non-sexual reasons. Thus, child sexual abuse alone may or may not be an indicator that its perpetrator is a pedophile; most perpetrators of it are in fact not primarily interested in children.[COLOR=#800080][33][/COLOR]

Those who have committed [COLOR=#0000ff]sexual crimes[/COLOR] against children, but do not meet the normal diagnosis criteria for pedophilia, are referred to as [COLOR=#0000ff]situational[/COLOR], opportunistic, or regressed offenders, whereas offenders primarily attracted toward children are called structured, preferential, or fixated pedophiles, as their orientation is fixed by the structure of their personality. It is estimated that only 2 to 10 percent of child sexual abuse perpetrators meet the regular criteria for pedophilia. (Kinsey-Report, Lautmann, Brongersma, Groth).

As noted by Abel, Mittleman, and Becker[COLOR=#800080][34][/COLOR] (1985) and Ward et al. (1995), there are generally large characteristical distinctions between the two types of offenders. Situational offenders tend to offend at times of stress; have a later onset of offending; have fewer, often familial victims; and have a general preference for adult partners. Pedophilic offenders, however, often start offending at an early age; often have a large number of victims who are frequently extrafamilial; are more appetitively driven to offend; and have values or beliefs that strongly support an offense lifestyle.

Most cases of father-daughter [COLOR=#0000ff]incest[/COLOR] are believed to involve fathers who are situational offenders, rather than pedophiles.[COLOR=#800080][35][/COLOR] Attempts have been made to use "profiling" to identify pedophiles, however, these methods have come under sharp criticism for making claims that are far in excess of what the evidence supports.[COLOR=#800080][36][/COLOR]

[COLOR=#800080][/COLOR]

[[COLOR=#0000ff]edit[/COLOR]] Treatment

 

A number of proposed treatment techniques for pedophilia have been developed. Many regard pedophilia as highly resistant to psychological interference and have dismissed as ineffective most "reparative strategies."[COLOR=#800080][37][/COLOR] Others, such as Dr. Fred Berlin, believe pedophilia can "indeed be successfully treated," if only the medical community would give it more attention.[COLOR=#800080][22][/COLOR] The reported success rate of modern "reparative" treatment on pedophiles is very low.[COLOR=#800080][37][/COLOR]

[COLOR=#800080][/COLOR]

[[COLOR=#0000ff]edit[/COLOR]] Non-medical therapies

 

Treatment strategies for pedophilia include a "12 step support system," parallel to addiction therapy, though such a system is generally regarded as the least efficacious method of treatment.[[COLOR=#0000ff]citation needed[/COLOR]]

Another approach is [COLOR=#0000ff]cognitive-behavioral therapy[/COLOR]. Usually, this is done by telling the pedophile to fantasize about sexual contact with children, and then, once aroused, they are given instructions to imagine the assumed legal and social consequences of such an action.[[COLOR=#0000ff]citation needed[/COLOR]]

 

[[COLOR=#0000ff]edit[/COLOR]] Medical therapies

 

Anti-androgenic medications such as [COLOR=#0000ff]Depo Provera[/COLOR] may be used to lower testosterone levels, and are often used in conjunction with the non-medical approaches above. This is commonly referred to as "chemical castration."

Other programs induce an association of illegal behavior with pain by means of the more controversial [COLOR=#0000ff]aversion therapy[/COLOR], in which the pedophile is given an electric shock while fantasizing.[COLOR=#800080][38][/COLOR] A study by the Council on Scientific Affairs found that the success rate of aversion therapy was parallel to that of homosexual [COLOR=#0000ff]reparative therapy[/COLOR].[COLOR=#800080][39][/COLOR] This method is rarely used on pedophiles who have not offended.

Convicted sex offenders, including many pedophiles and homosexuals, have been treated by the psychosurgical procedure commonly known as [COLOR=#0000ff]lobotomization[/COLOR]. Psychosurgery has long been controversial, particularly the historical use of surgical intervention on homosexuals given that homosexuality is no longer considered a mental illness by the psychiatric community (see for instance Rieber et al. 1976;[COLOR=#800080][40][/COLOR] Sigusch 1977;[COLOR=#800080][41][/COLOR] Rieber & Sigusch 1979;[COLOR=#800080][42][/COLOR] Schorsch & Schmidt 1979)[COLOR=#800080][43][/COLOR]

[COLOR=#0000ff]Thalamotomy[/COLOR] is an alternative surgical treatment of sex offenders in practice since the problems with leucotomy have been commonly known (see Greist 1990;[COLOR=#800080][44][/COLOR] Diering & Bell 1991;[COLOR=#800080][45][/COLOR] Hay & Sachdev 1992;[COLOR=#800080][46][/COLOR] Rappaport 1992;[COLOR=#800080][47][/COLOR] de la Porte 1993;[COLOR=#800080][48][/COLOR] Poynton 1993;[COLOR=#800080][49][/COLOR] Bridges et al. 1994;[COLOR=#800080][50][/COLOR] Cummings et al. 1995)[COLOR=#800080][51][/COLOR] and is increasingly advertized as an "effective therapy" for sex offenders (as well as for some children suffering from symptoms of child sexual abuse, since the 1980s (see for instance Andy 1970;[COLOR=#800080][52][/COLOR] Bradford 1988a;[COLOR=#800080][53][/COLOR] Wyre & Swift 1991;[COLOR=#800080][54][/COLOR] Abel et al. 1992;[COLOR=#800080][55][/COLOR] Bridges et al. 1994;[COLOR=#800080][50][/COLOR] Cummings et al. 1995).[COLOR=#800080][51][/COLOR] As [COLOR=#0000ff]Levey and Curfman[/COLOR] have noted, however, given the availability of psychopharmacological treatment options, psychosurgical interventions are not likely to be employed given their extreme side effects and irreversible nature. See the same article for an in depth review of treatment options and diagnostic criteria. Additionally Reid 2002 writes that neurosurgery for sex offenders is "essentially unavailable" in the United States and that data on its use is sparse.[COLOR=#800080][56][/COLOR]

[COLOR=#800080][/COLOR]

[[COLOR=#0000ff]edit[/COLOR]] Criticisms of treatment strategies

 

Sigusch 2001[COLOR=#800080][57][/COLOR] and others[COLOR=#800080][40][/COLOR][COLOR=#800080][41][/COLOR][COLOR=#800080][42][/COLOR][COLOR=#800080][43][/COLOR] criticize the moral pressure put upon sex offenders continuously until the present day by offering them amnesty in return for such non-standardized brain surgery under whatever name where the surgeon is free to remove as much of the offender's [COLOR=#0000ff]cerebrum[/COLOR] as he pleases, a therapy which according to Sigusch 2001 consecutively leads to complete physical destruction of the individual organism (or increasing exhibition of violent behaviour even if there was none before) since according to Sigusch 2001 no successes are observed after each single surgery and surgeons generally regard that the therapy will be more successful the more brain mass will be removed (see also Andy 1970). Balasubramaniam et al. 1969[COLOR=#800080][58][/COLOR] speak of this neurosurgery used on sex offenders as a "sedative" strategy "where a patient is made quiet and manageable by an operation".

Criticisms of therapies for pedophiles as well as theoretical models of no potential for their therapy mostly stem from the finding of some studies that pedophiles exhibit no clinically pathological traits other than the direction of their sexual preference, a fact that is very rare among all other classified paraphilias and mental illnesses[COLOR=#800080][59][/COLOR] where the pathological aetiological characteristics causing deviant behaviour are commonly therapied. As these pathological aetiological characteristics cannot be evidenced in pedophiles, common therapy models fail on them.

Vogt 2006[COLOR=#800080][59][/COLOR] states that even on an international scale only 2 scientific studies have ever been made on distinctly pathological mental characteristics of pedophiles before 2006 that were methodologically correct, naming these as Bernard 1982;[COLOR=#800080][60][/COLOR] Wilson & Cox 1983.[COLOR=#800080][61][/COLOR] Vogt 2006 re-confirmed identical results as Bernard 1982; Wilson & Cox 1983. No pathological characteristics could be found for pedophiles other than the direction of their sexual preference which all three studies explicitly suggest to be up for debate as not pathological especially in light of their findings. The only significant deviance from the norm other than sexual preference that could be found by all three studies was higher mean level of education of pedophiles compared to the average population, while all three studies also opt strongly for distinguishing between clinical and forensical studies made of individuals mostly stigmatized, often traumatized by their current surroundings, and non-clinical, non-forensical studies.

These conclusions are in conflict with those of other researchers, who have found that pedophiles exhibit "many psychiatric features beyond deviant sexual desire, including high rates of comorbid axis I disorders (affective disorders, substance use disorders, impulse control disorders, other paraphilias) as well as severe axis II psychopathology (especially antisocial and Cluster C personality disorders)."[COLOR=#800080][62][/COLOR] Beyond his criticism of clinical and forensic studies, Vogt 2006 replies to this that many, if not most studies diagnose pedophilia merely on the grounds of offenses instead of going through the effort of distinguishing the three categories of offenders via psychological examination and analysis.[COLOR=#800080][59][/COLOR]

Scientists supporting the declassification of pedophilia as paraphilia and mental illness due to the findings of the first two studies include Howitt 1998a;[COLOR=#800080][63][/COLOR] Green 2002;[COLOR=#800080][64][/COLOR] Ng 2002;[COLOR=#800080][65][/COLOR] Fiedler 2004.[COLOR=#800080][66][/COLOR]

Also Langevin 1983[COLOR=#800080][67][/COLOR] and Okami & Goldberg 1992[COLOR=#800080][68][/COLOR]; ("consistent" findings with Langevin 1983) found no pathological characteristics in pedophiles other than their sexual preference and that "None of the commonly held hypotheses were supported." The most likely reason why these two studies were rejected by Vogt 2006 as methodologically incorrect is that they relied upon clinical and/or forensical data.

[ilmw]

That is realy hard to read:o

[PWSX3]

That is realy hard to read:o

Hey ilmw, you can go into edit and delete a lot of that to make it easier to read, just a FYI

[hopeto]

Then you're with the wrong man! This guy has a porn "addiction" and at the present time, and in the long forseeable future he's going to be incapable of seeing women (to include you) as anything more than a VLSS, (Vaginal Life Support System) put here on this Earth for anything more than his sexual gradification ~ rather than the sentient, caring, loving, emotional, spiritual, multi-faceted, intelligent human beings they have the propensity to be!

 

Can he change? Yes!

 

Will he change? Probally not!

 

I know he is lost. this is why it is so hard for me. I know he has good in him but it is so far down that he has forgotten what it is and so he puts this mancho attitude on like he is the badest person around and yet he is this scared little boy(I mean that not ugly at all!!!!I mean like he is just lost)he has had a mother that married over 14 times and men in and out of his life.when the door opened one was comming in and another walking out. he was never shown love and he was always a shadow of his older brother.

 

he was handed things with a silver spoon by his grandfather that raised him. papaw was a good man but left out the hugging and the loving he desperatly needed. I know he has good in him and I know he has a heart it is in there some where but I just cant find it. he is a good provider, loves his daughter(in which he says he would never harm her that, that was grose and the girls he was looking at were just faces he did not know.

 

some lame excuse of courisoty but the courisoty has been going on for longer than 5 years. so I dont belive it is courisoty for one second. I think in my mind how grose it is and that I was raped when I was that age and that I rember balled up on the bed with the covers over me crying why was I such a bad child to have this happen to me and then I think of him looking at the pics and It just changed me. but on the flip side my heart still loves him and a inch of hope he loves me to enough to relize he has a problem. but it does not change the fact of what he did. when I am around him I dont want to be but I am in confort knowing he is there.

 

the otherside is when he is not there I worry what he is doing,miss and just I dont know things like that. I have come to a point that I know it is over......WHY....because I told him the only way it was going to work was for him to get help and he has not done so and without help and him not seeing what it is"an adiction" a sick one at that then there is just no hope. I cannot risk our daughter!!!! I cannot rist her growing up and thinking it is ok for a husband to not love and show affection to his wife to treat her like a queen and she treat him like a king.

 

most of all I cant run the risk of him not getting any help and he sneeks a peak at our daughter, or worse that I would be put away for a long time cause he would not be breathing afterwards because he dicide to go futher than just sneaking a peak. I say in my heart he would never hurt her but I never in a million years thought it was kids either he was looking at and I never in a million years thought that my brother would have hurt me either. at least my brother was messed up on drugs and was have the time not in his right mind but there is no excuse for my husband. I not giving my brother an excuse either cause no girl,child,women or even the oppsite sex should be harmed in any way but you know what I am trying to say. so here is the question. 1. how do I stop loving him.

 

2.how do I stop the fear of being scared and alone without him. 3.how do I picture my future cause right now it is pretty dam bleak. 4.most of all how do I get ovwer the fact that my marriage has failed.(this one hurts most of all because I do belive in GOD and I belive in marriage and forever.)(I belive there will be trials and tribulations and that when the going is tough you just dont walk out.) what is the rules of marriage and is it ok for me to say I give?? I am lost Gunny and my heart is breaking and I cant stop the crying now so how your a man and can you tell me is there men that will love me for who I am and not what I look like? is there a love for me?? if so why cant it be him?

[ilmw]

Hey ilmw, you can go into edit and delete a lot of that to make it easier to read, just a FYI

Thx..

 

Tried to edit..but it would not lt me,..took to long:confused: ... ...

[anna13]

well I came back home to a letter that I was fat and nasty, that I did not ever clean the house, that dog crap on the porch and about how he could cut my horses throat and just watch them bleed and go home and sleep like a baby etc,etc. well I just said that right there I just cant take it no more. he said that he bought me the horses cause I wanted them , he bought me a new home, and a new truck and he comes home to a dirty house. well here it is. the new home was what he wanted cause he keep his mom involved in our marriage and it was either move or divorce.

 

 

 

 

You are not staying with him because you love him you are staying with him because his abusive behavior is familiar to you, in your definition the normal , you feel safe because this is something you are familiar with. this is how you know men to care for you . I know you know this is wrong , that you H is not a great person and probobly not even a good one. but you are afraid to let go of the familiar. you have to get yourself away from this man. you either think you dont deserve better or can't deserve better and this is not true. he is not nice on the inside , his picture is clear as a bell. . he looks at CHILD porn! this is disgusting and sick. he is sick in the head and you know it , why do you choose to stay with such a thing. and he said he wouldl cut your horses throat??? what is it that you are clinging to as hope that he is somehow ok ? what you are doing is abusing yourself by remaining near this person. your making it ok in your head because you can't deal with what happened to you and you need to find a way to tell yourself that the abuse you went through wasnt that bad and that this abuse you are taking from you H isnt that bad , it is a coping method for you . the only way you will see is that you have to remove yourself from these people , far away , and then mourn what happened to you . what happend to you is wrong , you are a victim . you are basically sleeping with the enemy right now. I know it isnt easy for you , I know there are so many thing that I could not know about you . but i know that no woman deserves what you are getting from this man ( makes me sick even calling him that really) . find away to get away from him before the situation escalates and goes from bad to worse. I know you just want to vent and that is good that is what this message board is for but I am very concerned that you are in a situation that could eventually be dangerous for your well being. Please conitinue to come here for support , we are here for you.

[lisapizza]

.......about how he could cut my horses throat and just watch them bleed and go home and sleep like a baby

 

Okay...this letter really makes me mad because he is a pedaphile...do you know what they do?? Thet prey on the weak...they actually LOOK for their weak victims before they make their move.

 

He is with you because he knows you think you can't survive without him. How can anyone make comments like that to someone they are married to??

 

Also, for your daughters sake, get as far away from this piece of cr*p as humanly possible. think about this..if this guy got caught by law enforcement, he would be in jail for the porn pictures of minors, not to mention the part about cutting your horses throats!!

OMG, he really sounds scarry!!

 

Do not feel bad, you might think you love him, but this is not love, this is CONTROL, he CONTROLS you and has for so long, you don't know any better!

 

...Remember your daughter, and you're right put it in Gods hands...what do you think hHe would want for you to do??

[ilmw]

some lame excuse of courisoty but the courisoty has been going on for longer than 5 years. so I dont belive it is courisoty for one second. I think in my mind how grose it is and that I was raped when I was that age and that I rember balled up on the bed with the covers over me crying why was I such a bad child to have this happen to me and then I think of him looking at the pics and It just changed me. but on the flip side my heart still loves him and a inch of hope he loves me to enough to relize he has a problem. but it does not change the fact of what he did. when I am around him I dont want to be but I am in confort knowing he is there.

 

2.how do I stop the fear of being scared and alone without him. 3.how do I picture my future cause right now it is pretty dam bleak. 4.most of all how do I get ovwer the fact that my marriage has failed.(this one hurts most of all because I do belive in GOD and I belive in marriage and forever.)(I belive there will be trials and tribulations and that when the going is tough you just dont walk out.) what is the rules of marriage and is it ok for me to say I give?? I am lost Gunny and my heart is breaking and I cant stop the crying now so how your a man and can you tell me is there men that will love me for who I am and not what I look like? is there a love for me?? if so why cant it be him?

 

Look at what you wrote..

 

In there is your answer... Your child.. find strength through your child.. would you want what happened to you happen to your child....No of course not..

 

I am not one to advise someone to leave a relationship... but from what you have written....Run like hell from this guy... !!

 

Some of the things you have said could have him put in jail,,, the child porn and the threats made against your horses... Realy... is this the kind of relationship you deserve... What about your child.. do you realy want them to be raised in this kind of environment???

 

There... I said my piece.

[Gunny376]

1. how do I stop loving him.

 

Its eniterly possible that you never will ~ or at least parts of him ~ the good parts of him. But, that's gone now ~ IF it was ever really there to begin with. He could have been playing with your mind from the get~go. That's what the so called people do! That's all they do. They play with people's minds. Their masters of it, and at it. Everything that you've written "fits" the profile ~ everything. He suckered you into this marriage ~ and now that he's gotten you dependent upon him ~ he thinks that he owns you and your daugher, and that you're nothing more than his property.

 

That being said, "What's Love Got To Do With It?" You've got yourself and your daughter in a poisition ~ a dangerous position, a potentially life threatening position. Get out ~ don't be going ~ be gone. Do whatever it is necessary to do so. You're are being mentally and emotionally abused. Call the women's shelter, call the House of Ruth, call the District Attorney's office, call the Sheriff's office, call the police, call the Dr. Phil show, call the Opraha show, do whatever you've got to do to get yourself out of this situation.

 

2.how do I stop the fear of being scared and alone without him.

 

Get mad! Think of all the things he's done to you and said to you, and hasn't done for you and said to you that he should have as a loving and caring husband.

 

I hate to be the one to break the news to you ~ but you're in a very dysfunctional relationship. And, I realize that it may come as a shock to you ~ but there are actually men out here in this world that treat their wives in a loving, caring, cherishing, nuturing manner. The only names we call our wives and girlfriend are "Sugar, Sweetheart, Darling, and Baby!" We (men) don't think that the sole purpose and reason for women are here on this planet is to cook, clean, fetch, produce children, and sex upon demand. We don't see pre-teen and teenage girls as potential sex objects ~ we see them as they are someone's most precious gift from God.

 

Christmas!! I've got a 26 year old daughter, and I'm single, and I wouldn't date let alone get into a relationship with someone her age! Just out of respect for my daughter, let alone anyone younger than her.

 

Part of the problem is that you've never been with a REAL man, who put his wife and family first before HIS wants, and before HIS needs, who's willing to go without and scarifice for their sake. Who's willing to be a part of something greater and larger than himself. Real men don't walk around "woofing" (like a dog whose bark is large than their bite) they don't have to. Real men don't even talk "smack" because they know they can back up what they have to, and take care of what they have to. Real men are secure enough in their manhood, and in their masculinity they're not ashamed to hug other men that mean something to them. I see my grown 23 year old son, I hug him ~ because I love him, and I want to show him that love, and I want him to know that he is loved and valued by me. Indeed, that he is cherished by me. And, if he's got some "macho" problem with that ~ that's what it is ~ his problem. I lost my Dad three years ago, and I would give my "eye-teeth" for him to be here NOW to give him a hug. The last time I saw him alive ~ I gave him a hug ~ and Hell I'm a Deep South Redneck!

 

Real men aren't afraid to show emotion ~ and they're not afraid to shed a tear. I've shed a many, and I'm sure I'll shed some more before its over. I'm a retired United States Marine ~ and everytime I seen my "brother" Marines suffer and shed blood it makes my "allergies" act up and my eyes start to water.

 

I cried like a baby for days and days, months and months when my marriage ended. And it didn't make me less of a man ~ but it did make me MORE of a person and a human being! I learned, I grew, I was forced to adapt and overcome. I was forced to become the "Master" of my fears, my doubts, my worries!

 

3.how do I picture my future cause right now it is pretty dam bleak. 4.most of all how do I get ovwer the fact that my marriage has failed.(this one hurts most of all because I do belive in GOD and I belive in marriage and forever.)(I belive there will be trials and tribulations and that when the going is tough you just dont walk out.) what is the rules of marriage and is it ok for me to say I give?? I am lost Gunny and my heart is breaking and I cant stop the crying now so how your a man and can you tell me is there men that will love me for who I am and not what I look like? is there a love for me?? if so why cant it be him?

 

Some of your questions above I cannot answer ~ only YOU can find the answers. You must comprehend and understand that God? God doesn't make mistakes. Did you ever stop to think that you've been through these most terrible of trials and tribulations, to prepare you for the kind of guy that I'm talking about. There's any number of possible combinations to this ~ and we could talk about it for weeks on end.

 

There's one thing for sure and certain that I can tell you! You can't do any worse than what you've already got ~ even if that means you end up being single and alone for the rest of your life. You can't help but "trade up" from what you have and what you got. You'd be better off single and alone, with a good dependable and loving dog than you would be with this dirt-bag.

 

I mean for real ~ what are you getting out of this? I know what he's getting out of this! But, what are you and your children getting out of this. Through you thread, I know what YOU'RE bringing to the table, what is he bringing to the table?

 

In closing, I would like to add that I, CC (Crying Canuk) ILMW and others dedicated our LIVES, the best part of our LIVES and youth to protect and serve people such as yourself and your daughter from such crap as this and from such scumbags as this guy. Men have bleed, lost limbs, and made the ultimate scarifice for people we've never meet and don't know. so that you can enjoy freedom! We've sweated, bleed, suffered blisters, broken limbs, severed limbs, heat stroke, sprains~................................. died.

 

Get out of this relationship! Dump this "clown" There's no shortage of men, the world is covered up with them. And, there's no shortage of men that absolutely LOVE BBW (Big Beautiful Women) For every Jack there's a Jill and for every Jill there's a Jack.

 

My last LTR GF was 5'9 and weigh in around 160. In her mind she was "FAT" in my mind she was height~weight proportinate! She was "pear-shaped" but what I like most about her, indeed loved most about her was:

 

Her eyes

Her smile

Her laugh

Her persprective on life

Her attitude

Her compaionship

Her patience

Her caring

Her showing me a different perspective

Her persistence

Her determination

Her peservancace

Her independence

Her intelligence

 

In short? What was between her ears! Not what was on her chest nor between her legs!

[hopeto]

1. how do I stop loving him.

 

Its eniterly possible that you never will ~ or at least parts of him ~ the good parts of him. But, that's gone now ~ IF it was ever really there to begin with. He could have been playing with your mind from the get~go. That's what the so called people do! That's all they do. They play with people's minds. Their masters of it, and at it. Everything that you've written "fits" the profile ~ everything. He suckered you into this marriage ~ and now that he's gotten you dependent upon him ~ he thinks that he owns you and your daugher, and that you're nothing more than his property.

 

That being said, "What's Love Got To Do With It?" You've got yourself and your daughter in a poisition ~ a dangerous position, a potentially life threatening position. Get out ~ don't be going ~ be gone. Do whatever it is necessary to do so. You're are being mentally and emotionally abused. Call the women's shelter, call the House of Ruth, call the District Attorney's office, call the Sheriff's office, call the police, call the Dr. Phil show, call the Opraha show, do whatever you've got to do to get yourself out of this situation.

 

2.how do I stop the fear of being scared and alone without him.

 

Get mad! Think of all the things he's done to you and said to you, and hasn't done for you and said to you that he should have as a loving and caring husband.

 

I hate to be the one to break the news to you ~ but you're in a very dysfunctional relationship. And, I realize that it may come as a shock to you ~ but there are actually men out here in this world that treat their wives in a loving, caring, cherishing, nuturing manner. The only names we call our wives and girlfriend are "Sugar, Sweetheart, Darling, and Baby!" We (men) don't think that the sole purpose and reason for women are here on this planet is to cook, clean, fetch, produce children, and sex upon demand. We don't see pre-teen and teenage girls as potential sex objects ~ we see them as they are someone's most precious gift from God.

 

Christmas!! I've got a 26 year old daughter, and I'm single, and I wouldn't date let alone get into a relationship with someone her age! Just out of respect for my daughter, let alone anyone younger than her.

 

Part of the problem is that you've never been with a REAL man, who put his wife and family first before HIS wants, and before HIS needs, who's willing to go without and scarifice for their sake. Who's willing to be a part of something greater and larger than himself. Real men don't walk around "woofing" (like a dog whose bark is large than their bite) they don't have to. Real men don't even talk "smack" because they know they can back up what they have to, and take care of what they have to. Real men are secure enough in their manhood, and in their masculinity they're not ashamed to hug other men that mean something to them. I see my grown 23 year old son, I hug him ~ because I love him, and I want to show him that love, and I want him to know that he is loved and valued by me. Indeed, that he is cherished by me. And, if he's got some "macho" problem with that ~ that's what it is ~ his problem. I lost my Dad three years ago, and I would give my "eye-teeth" for him to be here NOW to give him a hug. The last time I saw him alive ~ I gave him a hug ~ and Hell I'm a Deep South Redneck!

 

Real men aren't afraid to show emotion ~ and they're not afraid to shed a tear. I've shed a many, and I'm sure I'll shed some more before its over. I'm a retired United States Marine ~ and everytime I seen my "brother" Marines suffer and shed blood it makes my "allergies" act up and my eyes start to water.

 

I cried like a baby for days and days, months and months when my marriage ended. And it didn't make me less of a man ~ but it did make me MORE of a person and a human being! I learned, I grew, I was forced to adapt and overcome. I was forced to become the "Master" of my fears, my doubts, my worries!

 

3.how do I picture my future cause right now it is pretty dam bleak. 4.most of all how do I get ovwer the fact that my marriage has failed.(this one hurts most of all because I do belive in GOD and I belive in marriage and forever.)(I belive there will be trials and tribulations and that when the going is tough you just dont walk out.) what is the rules of marriage and is it ok for me to say I give?? I am lost Gunny and my heart is breaking and I cant stop the crying now so how your a man and can you tell me is there men that will love me for who I am and not what I look like? is there a love for me?? if so why cant it be him?

 

Some of your questions above I cannot answer ~ only YOU can find the answers. You must comprehend and understand that God? God doesn't make mistakes. Did you ever stop to think that you've been through these most terrible of trials and tribulations, to prepare you for the kind of guy that I'm talking about. There's any number of possible combinations to this ~ and we could talk about it for weeks on end.

 

There's one thing for sure and certain that I can tell you! You can't do any worse than what you've already got ~ even if that means you end up being single and alone for the rest of your life. You can't help but "trade up" from what you have and what you got. You'd be better off single and alone, with a good dependable and loving dog than you would be with this dirt-bag.

 

I mean for real ~ what are you getting out of this? I know what he's getting out of this! But, what are you and your children getting out of this. Through you thread, I know what YOU'RE bringing to the table, what is he bringing to the table?

 

In closing, I would like to add that I, CC (Crying Canuk) ILMW and others dedicated our LIVES, the best part of our LIVES and youth to protect and serve people such as yourself and your daughter from such crap as this and from such scumbags as this guy. Men have bleed, lost limbs, and made the ultimate scarifice for people we've never meet and don't know. so that you can enjoy freedom! We've sweated, bleed, suffered blisters, broken limbs, severed limbs, heat stroke, sprains~................................. died.

 

Get out of this relationship! Dump this "clown" There's no shortage of men, the world is covered up with them. And, there's no shortage of men that absolutely LOVE BBW (Big Beautiful Women) For every Jack there's a Jill and for every Jill there's a Jack.

 

My last LTR GF was 5'9 and weigh in around 160. In her mind she was "FAT" in my mind she was height~weight proportinate! She was "pear-shaped" but what I like most about her, indeed loved most about her was:

 

Her eyes

Her smile

Her laugh

Her persprective on life

Her attitude

Her compaionship

Her patience

Her caring

Her showing me a different perspective

Her persistence

Her determination

Her peservancace

Her independence

Her intelligence

 

In short? What was between her ears! Not what was on her chest nor between her legs!

 

Thanks Gunny, I do not know what the future holds for me and my daughter and I am sure he will not change and I am not willing to live in this either. so I guess I have to do what I have to do. He has not even came to me to even say he was going to get help nor even work on the marriage and one person can not make it work. it has been one for 18 years and that was me and now I cant push it no more and can not live through life with a man who does not love me and is in love with himself. you made some very good point and I love to see you post because you seem like you been there and done that.

 

and for me and my daughter I THANK YOU for my freedom and I am so glad there are true loving people whom want to help a stranger in need and try to warm there heart. THANKS. I will keep everybody updated on the progress and I am sure there will be days I will be so broken that I cant see past the min in front of me but there will be brighter days too and they will become more brighter as time goes. who knows where I end up. I do LOVE him though I cannot lie and I would be saying and fooling myself if I said I did not but I have to overcome this and I will. I have to focus on my daughter she is where I will get my strength from. thanks everyone and I will keep you posted.

[lisapizza]

 

Part of the problem is that you've never been with a REAL man, who put his wife and family first before HIS wants, and before HIS needs, who's willing to go without and scarifice for their sake. Who's willing to be a part of something greater and larger than himself.

 

 

Halilulah!! Well said, Did you learn all that before or after you broke up w/ the XW?? I find it hard to believe any women would let a man go that valued her like that!

 

Anyway, that's the way a real man should treat their woman, not like he owns rights to her...that's just dispicable.

[Gunny376]

Halilulah!! Well said, Did you learn all that before or after you broke up w/ the XW?? I find it hard to believe any women would let a man go that valued her like that!

 

Anyway, that's the way a real man should treat their woman, not like he owns rights to her...that's just dispicable.

 

 

No! I've always been like that, I've always put my wife and children before myself.

 

The problem was ~ that when you're in the military or law enforcement ~ the demands of the job are such as if you already have a mistress. Your "best" is never good enough. You make a mistake? You get someone killed, or get yourself killed. When I was in the Marines, I never worked less than sixtey hours a week, seventy to eighty was the norm. The job changes you mentally, emotionally. You tend to withdrawal, emotionally.