Why do you play hard to get?

[Island Girl]

Do/did you never think to yourself at any point, "well that didn't work out with him, I wonder if there's anything I can improve on for next time"? In which case it does matter. What if you had a string of relationships not work out and you didn't know it, but it was because you'd done the same thing in each of them that had caused the man to move on. Surely at least a small part of you should be evaluating yourself and what the opinion of the other person was to help you become a better person so that you don't continue to make the same mistakes?

 

Okay - I'm a little scared of answering this because I feel a bashing coming.

 

I've usually been the one doing the breaking up.

Most of the time compatibility issues and because I do have such a strong personality.

 

There have been only 4 guys that have ever stopped seeing me, whatever their reason was, and they all came back.

Even the ones I broke up with came back. Sometimes years later but they did.

 

I am a great girlfriend/wife in the important ways. I have always been.

 

For me the problem was never in getting or maintaining a relationship.

 

My issue was never having to be alone. I never had the time or took the time to figure out a lot of myself.

 

I took about a year and a half out of the dating scene in my early thirties.

 

It was the first time that I had no man present, no replacement in the works, and was not accepting applications.

 

I became more centered. The need to go out and have all of that attention that I'd had since the age of 17 went away.

I developed my relationship with myself and decided there would not be a "revolving door", that a lot of times hurt the men I dated, anymore.

 

I decided I would keep any man I dated at a distance and look for the things I already knew weren't going to work for me without letting them get too close. Nobody gets hurt then.

 

Then I met my husband and we have now been together over 6 years.

 

I truly love him and I know now I never loved anyone before.

I know they loved me but I was somewhat incapable of that kind of love until I took that time for myself.

 

I learned a lot from all of those previous relationships. How different people work out problems, etc. So I did learn from the people I was in relationships with. I just wasn't the one being broken up with.

There are lessons on both sides of that coin.

[DanielMadr]

Do/did you never think to yourself at any point, "well that didn't work out with him, I wonder if there's anything I can improve on for next time"? In which case it does matter. What if you had a string of relationships not work out and you didn't know it, but it was because you'd done the same thing in each of them that had caused the man to move on. Surely at least a small part of you should be evaluating yourself and what the opinion of the other person was to help you become a better person so that you don't continue to make the same mistakes?

 

Thats why rejection hurts. You are good guy, honest, brave, people who really know you like you and appreciate you etc etc. and that girl didnt see it and didnt give it a chance to know you better. Is something wrong with you? Did she saw something awful? Nope. Probably not. You was nervous from all that adrenalin and endorfin and she saw you as another looser. Only girls you are not interested in see you as you are, because you are not nervous with them, have no agenda, your cool, you project confidence and self-control. Thats btw what people mean when they tell you to "just be yourself".

 

Opinion of others is in most cases biased. Even parents dont know their children too well. Dont look on yourself through eyes of others. Dont seek for approval. Only you know yourself well.....and when you put your ego aside you will see yourself clearly. On the other hand it doesnt mean to go over the dead bodies or dont listen when your 10 of your good friends tell you you are **********

[DanielMadr]

I developed my relationship with myself and decided there would not be a "revolving door", that a lot of times hurt the men I dated, anymore.

 

What does it mean "revolving door"?

[Island Girl]

What does it mean "revolving door"?

 

If I broke up with a guy - There was the line moving in to take his place - they'd be vying to be the next "possible Mr. Right".

[Pretty Fly]

My issue was never having to be alone. I never had the time or took the time to figure out a lot of myself.

 

I took about a year and a half out of the dating scene in my early thirties.

 

It was the first time that I had no man present, no replacement in the works, and was not accepting applications.

 

I became more centered. The need to go out and have all of that attention that I'd had since the age of 17 went away.

I developed my relationship with myself and decided there would not be a "revolving door", that a lot of times hurt the men I dated, anymore.

 

I think this was very healthy thing to do. I think there was another thread the other week about the "revolving door" thing (or "serial monogamy"). I could be wrong but sometimes I think a girl having that lifestyle can jade her view on men, as it's a case of men are 10 a penny. (Think I'm getting into a new thread here!)

[DanielMadr]

I think this was very healthy thing to do. I think there was another thread the other week about the "revolving door" thing (or "serial monogamy"). I could be wrong but sometimes I think a girl having that lifestyle can jade her view on men, as it's a case of men are 10 a penny. (Think I'm getting into a new thread here!)

 

I dont think you are hi-jacking the thread. Underestimating guys is another reason for these power games. And of corse girls are more like guys....they have less need for commitment these days. They dont need protection, they can provide for themselves and they have so much more opportunities like travel, study, guys etc. They wanna have fun and be independent. They settle down in the age when it is almost too late. Their value on market goes down and they have to skip these games and most of all divert their attention to predictable guys to create a nest. It doesnt aplly for all women of free and prosperous world but most of them as you can see on population growth.

[TheSwordfish]

Daniel, if women are telling you that seem to be a player, then it could mean a few things:

 

1. You are good-looking, hot, etc...and they figure a lot of women want you.

 

2. You are confident and sociable, able to handle yourself with women

 

3. You look at/flirt with other women in front of them (I doubt you do this!)

 

Anyway, I bet if I met you in real life, I would like you based on your posts and your perspective on life. So, I'll reason that many non-competitive women would not run away, unless you went on and on about how many b*tches you have in your harem!

 

 

haha, I recognize point 1 and 2 as the main reasons. I like talking about a harem though, but that's just for fun. A girl once asked me if I had a back up plan if the date didnt work out. I said I would take my harem as a back up

 

I like using the word harem, being kind of cynical. If a girl doesnt understand I can't date 16 girls in a week, while having a job and a busy social life, she isn't the one I'm looking for

[Mary3]

I've watched bantering about "playing hard to get" or books like The Rules here on LS.

 

I'll tell you - I have always had these particular rules or playing hard to get, etc.

 

I've always been extremely successful at dating. I have dated every man I have ever wanted to date - some have been shy and I have had to drop the breadcrumbs to lead them to the appropriate questions - my phone number, etc.

Some have been tremendously full of themselves - Players - who assumed because I seemed interested - it would be easy (NOT SO!).

 

So why you ask?

 

 

 

Because I am valuable. My value in my own eyes does not need to be increased. If it does in his that is not my issue nor do I have to somehow prove some worth to him.

I am unlike anyone he has ever met and he has to be worthy of me - not the other way around.

 

If he doesn't get it - then good - I needn't waste my time.

 

 

 

I have never had this problem. A guy with little interest level - the closet would be my husband.

 

The first time we met - I made it known I wanted to meet him, he asked me to dance, and then left with his friends (making sure to let me know he was leaving - I let him go on his way).

The second time we met he orchestrated a conversation and asked for my number. I gave it to him and then he incorrectly assumed I was like all of the other girls who fell all over him - and he went and asked someone else to dance.

While he danced with her, I let him know I wasn't pleased. When he came over to smooth it over, I asked for my phone number back. I told him point blank that he needed to go do whatever it was that he needed to do but leave ME out of it. "I am not about to explain to you who you just met" and I asked for my number back.

He asked to sit down and proceeded to work for almost an hour at getting what was happening between us back on track.

 

 

 

The only action I hope to provoke is mutual interest and an understanding of respect. I am not one that gives any part of myself away easily. I am precious and treat myself as such.

The guy has to show he is aware of this and treat me accordingly.

 

He has to be of my time and attention otherwise there is no point in interaction.

 

I know myself. I know how attractive I am. I know how devoted I can be. I know I am intelligent and witty. I am great company and although I am high maintenance in some ways, I am not materialistic or fake in any way.

I am a treasure. Therefore I have never been a doormat for anybody.

 

In the end my husband "caught" me because he adores me and caters to me BUT only to a point. He also knows what a great guy he is - physically a fantastic thing to behold, romantic, and the most insightful person I have ever met when it comes to interpersonal relationships.

He has no problem in pointing out something I may have said or done that is wrong. But he does it in the most remarkable way. It is never a fight nor does he keep score. He humbles me. I have the utmost respect for him. I love him and he is the only man I have ever found that is worthy of my complete devotion.

 

So in the end I wanted a mutually beneficial relationship where there is give and take but no disrespect. I wanted love that is appreciative and fun - not selfish. And that is what I got.

 

I hope I addressed this correctly...

 

Such an awe inspiring Post !

 

At first glance it may appear she is * full of herself * as one Poster suggested. But in reality she is the Bomb ! She has very healthy self esteem and in the last 2 years I have noticed the women that get treated * the best * are ones who valued themselves , who feel they were attractive , good and kind , but take NO crap from men.

They commanded RESPECT and got it ! Consistantly

 

I thought her request for her number back was brave. I did think her reaction to him asking someone else to dance was a bit bizarre considering they barely knew eachother but hey it worked ! Sometimes we have to do things unconventionally and it is a new year

 

Island Girl is where many women dream they could be. She is here to help . Men and Women

 

You go Girl !

 

Is she boasting ? Of course ! She has the RIGHT to do that . She learned early on about herself and did not let any men take advantage of her.

[DanielMadr]

Such an awe inspiring Post !

 

At first glance it may appear she is * full of herself * as one Poster suggested. But in reality she is the Bomb ! She has very healthy self esteem and in the last 2 years I have noticed the women that get treated * the best * are ones who valued themselves , who feel they were attractive , good and kind , but take NO crap from men.

They commanded RESPECT and got it ! Consistantly

 

I thought her request for her number back was brave. I did think her reaction to him asking someone else to dance was a bit bizarre considering they barely knew eachother but hey it worked ! Sometimes we have to do things unconventionally and it is a new year

 

Island Girl is where many women dream they could be. She is here to help . Men and Women

 

You go Girl !

 

Is she boasting ? Of course ! She has the RIGHT to do that . She learned early on about herself and did not let any men take advantage of her.

 

There is thin line between real health self esteem and boosed one. Being a doormat is not attractive for healthy man but being too concerned about yourself (Im such a treasure) is not attractive either. Please dont become from Nice Girl 2 Biiiitch as Nice Guy 2 Jerk....there is also the Good girl category. Im in no way stating that Island Girl is biiitch I only state that this war cries about self pride can make one, if not careful.

[princessa]

I see that this thread is getting out of hand. As soon as my sleeping pattern readjusts and my brain begins to function normally again, I will read and enlighten you all. Promise

[DanielMadr]

I see that this thread is getting out of hand. As soon as my sleeping pattern readjusts and my brain begins to function normally again, I will read and enlighten you all. Promise

 

We are looking forward to it your majesty. Just nice and easy dont rush it. Make a brew. Do your nails. Whip some of your servants......

[Guest]

I call a man I'm dating very rarely. If a man really is taken with you, you really don't have to do the calling as the woman, save returning a phone call here and there. The ones that have value are the ones that keep pursuing and call and want to see me. The men I see like it that way. It's natural human nature.

[Pretty Fly]

I call a man I'm dating very rarely. If a man really is taken with you, you really don't have to do the calling as the woman, save returning a phone call here and there. The ones that have value are the ones that keep pursuing and call and want to see me. The men I see like it that way. It's natural human nature.

 

So if there's a guy you don't like and he's calling you, what do you do to let him know you aren't interested? Not call him back either?

[bridget_jones]

So if there's a guy you don't like and he's calling you, what do you do to let him know you aren't interested? Not call him back either?

 

if she isn't picking up the phone ever, or she is honest and says she doesn't want to go out again.

you're going to say well how does a guy who is pursuing her know that...because when she does speak with him, and sees him, she treats him with kindness and respect and makes him feel good about himself.

[Island Girl]

Such an awe inspiring Post !

 

At first glance it may appear she is * full of herself * as one Poster suggested. But in reality she is the Bomb ! She has very healthy self esteem and in the last 2 years I have noticed the women that get treated * the best * are ones who valued themselves , who feel they were attractive , good and kind , but take NO crap from men.

They commanded RESPECT and got it ! Consistantly

 

I thought her request for her number back was brave. I did think her reaction to him asking someone else to dance was a bit bizarre considering they barely knew eachother but hey it worked ! Sometimes we have to do things unconventionally and it is a new year

 

Island Girl is where many women dream they could be. She is here to help . Men and Women

 

You go Girl !

 

Is she boasting ? Of course ! She has the RIGHT to do that . She learned early on about herself and did not let any men take advantage of her.

 

Thank you Mary3.

 

I try to inspire self respect in the women around me.

 

I live the values.

 

--- The reason I asked for my phone number back from my husband was because he had just walked in "with me" from getting my phone number.

We were walking in together and got separated.

He went right over to ask another woman to dance as if he was "collecting". As if when he got my number it was just another number and he was going to get more that night.

 

OK good for him. But I don't play that game. I do not want a man who is dating and possibly sleeping with multiple girls.

 

If I am going to focus on getting to know a man, I want the same in return.

 

If a man isn't up for that - so be it. We're not a match then.

 

But don't get my number with some preconceived nption that I am a booty call or someone who just gives my number out randomly to just anybody. I carry myself very conservatively. I respect myself. I value my phone number and do not give it out to just any guy who asks.

 

It was my understanding he had the wrong impression of me. I didn't want a man that was interested in a harem thinking I was a possible addition.

 

Not that a man can't or shouldn't behave that way. He just couldn't behave that way and date me.

 

Hope that explains that!

 

Again thanks for the kind words.

 

I am trying to be here for those that lose themselves, their self esteem, and self respect in relationships. Both male and female.

 

My brother jokes and says I use my powers for *good* now...

[Mary3]

Island Girl you should know I have been in the process of learning more about self respect and value your words alot.

Two years ago it might have been foreign to hear what you have to say but now I totally relate in every way ! Thank you.

[Island Girl]

There is thin line between real health self esteem and boosed one. Being a doormat is not attractive for healthy man but being too concerned about yourself (Im such a treasure) is not attractive either. Please dont become from Nice Girl 2 Biiiitch as Nice Guy 2 Jerk....there is also the Good girl category. Im in no way stating that Island Girl is biiitch I only state that this war cries about self pride can make one, if not careful.

 

I think there is just a little bit of confusion.

 

I am not self-absorbed. I care about others and do not disregard their feelings.

 

I know how to be a true friend to another. I am kind, loving, and thoughtful of others. I am told by loved ones I am far too generous. I am also extremely loyal to those I hold dear.

 

So I am a Good Girl. I am a great girlfriend/now wife.

 

But there is the flip side. Of course I can be a B*Yatch. People have told me at different times that I can be the biggest one they've ever known.

It is never unwarranted or false.

 

If I am treated with disrespect I step up and let another know I don't tolerate that. I don't feel there is ever a need to disrespect another person. I try to take the high road and so far that has worked very well for me.

 

Contrary to your post - every girl needs a little bit of a *B* inside of her.

 

Just as every guy needs a little bit of a jerk.

 

This doesn't mean there is a call for horrible actions. But there needs to be enough to react to being taken advantage of or treated badly. As in "wait a minute - I am worth more than this."

 

I make a lot of sacrifices for the love of my life, my friends, and family. But not at the cost of myself.

[Island Girl]

Island Girl you should know I have been in the process of learning more about self respect and value your words alot.

Two years ago it might have been foreign to hear what you have to say but now I totally relate in every way ! Thank you.

 

Thank you for the kind words and I'm glad you find inspiration and value from my posts.

 

My learning in relationships went the opposite way of the norm.

 

In latter years I learned to compromise more, etc. But that is growth with my husband who is my partner.

 

I'm happy to hear you have been learning to respect and value yourself.

 

It is sooooooooooooo important.

 

Cheers to you!

[princessa]

Well yes, because to ASSUME that he does want to date you IS conceited. I don't walk around saying "not interested" to guys who don't in some way make it clear that they're romantically interested.

 

What? Where are you from? Most guys just don't come up to you saying "Hi, my name's Fred and I'd like to date you"! Of course you ASSUME that he doesn't just want to be your homosexual shopping buddy when he asks you out for a coffee!!!!!!

[princessa]

I've watched bantering about "playing hard to get" or books like The Rules here on LS.

 

I'll tell you - I have always had these particular rules or playing hard to get, etc.

 

I've always been extremely successful at dating. I have dated every man I have ever wanted to date - some have been shy and I have had to drop the breadcrumbs to lead them to the appropriate questions - my phone number, etc.

Some have been tremendously full of themselves - Players - who assumed because I seemed interested - it would be easy (NOT SO!).

 

So why you ask?

 

 

 

Because I am valuable. My value in my own eyes does not need to be increased. If it does in his that is not my issue nor do I have to somehow prove some worth to him.

I am unlike anyone he has ever met and he has to be worthy of me - not the other way around.

 

If he doesn't get it - then good - I needn't waste my time.

 

 

 

I have never had this problem. A guy with little interest level - the closet would be my husband.

 

The first time we met - I made it known I wanted to meet him, he asked me to dance, and then left with his friends (making sure to let me know he was leaving - I let him go on his way).

The second time we met he orchestrated a conversation and asked for my number. I gave it to him and then he incorrectly assumed I was like all of the other girls who fell all over him - and he went and asked someone else to dance.

While he danced with her, I let him know I wasn't pleased. When he came over to smooth it over, I asked for my phone number back. I told him point blank that he needed to go do whatever it was that he needed to do but leave ME out of it. "I am not about to explain to you who you just met" and I asked for my number back.

He asked to sit down and proceeded to work for almost an hour at getting what was happening between us back on track.

 

 

 

The only action I hope to provoke is mutual interest and an understanding of respect. I am not one that gives any part of myself away easily. I am precious and treat myself as such.

The guy has to show he is aware of this and treat me accordingly.

 

He has to be of my time and attention otherwise there is no point in interaction.

 

I know myself. I know how attractive I am. I know how devoted I can be. I know I am intelligent and witty. I am great company and although I am high maintenance in some ways, I am not materialistic or fake in any way.

I am a treasure. Therefore I have never been a doormat for anybody.

 

In the end my husband "caught" me because he adores me and caters to me BUT only to a point. He also knows what a great guy he is - physically a fantastic thing to behold, romantic, and the most insightful person I have ever met when it comes to interpersonal relationships.

He has no problem in pointing out something I may have said or done that is wrong. But he does it in the most remarkable way. It is never a fight nor does he keep score. He humbles me. I have the utmost respect for him. I love him and he is the only man I have ever found that is worthy of my complete devotion.

 

So in the end I wanted a mutually beneficial relationship where there is give and take but no disrespect. I wanted love that is appreciative and fun - not selfish. And that is what I got.

 

I hope I addressed this correctly...

 

I completely agree with this and couldn't have worded it better!

[princessa]

I know how to be a true friend to another. I am kind, loving, and thoughtful of others. I am told by loved ones I am far too generous. I am also extremely loyal to those I hold dear.

 

So I am a Good Girl. I am a great girlfriend/now wife.

 

But there is the flip side. Of course I can be a B*Yatch. People have told me at different times that I can be the biggest one they've ever known.

It is never unwarranted or false.

 

If I am treated with disrespect I step up and let another know I don't tolerate that. I don't feel there is ever a need to disrespect another person. I try to take the high road and so far that has worked very well for me.

 

Island Girl, as others have said, it's great to have a strong personality and healthy self esteem. Ultimately it all comes down to knowing your own worth and not settling for less. I do share that mentality, and I found most of my thoughts worded in your posts, though I think I'm enjoying myself a bit more on the b!tchy side sometimes .

 

One thing puzzled me when reading what you said though. Knowing and respecting your self-worth, how can you manage to enter so many relationships with so many guys as you have described? Were there that many guys who were actually worth your time? I find myself struggling with finding guys who on one hand equal to me in terms of self-esteem and values, but also in terms of interests and compatibility and everything else, and I don't even need to date them to figure this out... which makes me definitely hard to get. I simply can't enter a relationship without any hope of it being long-term.

[Pretty Fly]

Were there that many guys who were actually worth your time? I find myself struggling with finding guys who on one hand equal to me in terms of self-esteem and values, but also in terms of interests and compatibility and everything else, and I don't even need to date them to figure this out... which makes me definitely hard to get.

 

This made me wonder if we're all talking at cross-purposes. When I read "hard to get", I interpret it as a woman who has showed interest in you and is interested in you but deliberately is difficult to get hold of and make plans with as she's under the impression that that makes the guy more interested.

 

When you mention "hard to get" (and Island Girl) you are talking about being selective and not dating any old dross.

 

Have we all been talking at cross-purposes, or just me? The first "hard to get" above is just plain annoying and a turn-off. the 2nd "hard to get" is just natural, normal behaviour, no?

[princessa]

This made me wonder if we're all talking at cross-purposes. When I read "hard to get", I interpret it as a woman who has showed interest in you and is interested in you but deliberately is difficult to get hold of and make plans with as she's under the impression that that makes the guy more interested.

 

To me it was a given that the above is just a plain lack of interest. Of course a woman shouldn't be too available, but if she consistently fails to return your phonecalls then that's a hint to stop calling. It's disrespectful and nobody in their right mind would use that strategy to attract a potential partner. On the other hand, a very common by-product of a demonstrated lack of interest is that it triples the guys' interests for some strange reason, which is why this is probably often used by evil manipulative b!atches who are only interested in playing games. Oftentimes if a guy responds to this kind of tactic, it's because he has no respect for himself, or is vulnerable at that particular stage in his life, making him an easily target for whatever games she wants to run.

[princessa]

When you mention "hard to get" (and Island Girl) you are talking about being selective and not dating any old dross.

 

Well like I said before, it's a matter of weeding out those guys who are looking for easy girls, those who have no respect for themselves or for me, those who can't stand up for themselves, etc etc.

[DanielMadr]

Well like I said before, it's a matter of weeding out those guys who are looking for easy girls, those who have no respect for themselves or for me, those who can't stand up for themselves, etc etc.

 

Thats the problem. You see:

 

You play HTG.

Guy looking for quick lay.....STOPS TO PURSUE

Guy without backbone........KEEP PURSUE

 

It is contradicting. What if he has backbone and isnt looking for quick lay eh?

 

btw playing HTG will RISE his Interest Level but NOT in YOU.....only in the game (he wants to find out whats wrong). His interest in you goes down actually (you are more complicated = possible trouble)

 

One personal....please stop that bragging about how really hard to get you are. It is so unattractive. Maybe exactly that attitude intimidate quality men.