Am I a controlling husband by doing this?

[a4a]

My wife is not fully aware of how screwed up I really am which is probably a mistake.

 

Yes there it is!!!!!! There is the main problem.

 

You are hiding things from her so of course you suspect she is doing the same.

 

Time to knock down those walls Wog.

[Woggle]

Well I can understand that, you worked hard to get that home. Maybe moving would solve some of this problem into a house that could be both of yours. I do not see anything wrong with you keeping the house to yourself. But if you really feel kinda "miffed" that your wife lives there for free then I think that is the real issue.

 

I don't see an issue unless she has one with it, which she does not as she signed the prenup. So where is the real problem? What is really buggin' ya?

 

Somebody said I was controlling and I was wondering if I was. I don't care at all about paying the mortgage myself because she more than contributes her fair share on everything else.

[a4a]

Somebody said I was controlling and I was wondering if I was. I don't care at all about paying the mortgage myself because she more than contributes her fair share on everything else.

 

Welll you are controlling because you control what you want your wife to know about you.

 

You need to come clean with her about your issues. I think it is kinda like cheating in a way, hiding something that does effect her in a significant way.

 

Does she know you go to therapy?

[Woggle]

Welll you are controlling because you control what you want your wife to know about you.

 

You need to come clean with her about your issues. I think it is kinda like cheating in a way, hiding something that does effect her in a significant way.

 

Does she know you go to therapy?

 

She does know I go to therapy but I don't think knows how screwed up I am inside. She shouldn't have to deal with my issues that are not caused by her anyway. That is what I have this board and therapy for.

[a4a]

She does know I go to therapy but I don't think knows how screwed up I am inside. She shouldn't have to deal with my issues that are not caused by her anyway. That is what I have this board and therapy for.

 

If you realize it or not it does effect her. You should be able to confide in her. Are you afraid if she knew the real you she would pack up and leave?

 

I could only imagine that you are living an almost double life. How you really feel inside and what you let her think you feel.

 

Not that you expect her to solve it, or fix it for you, but don't you trust her enough to let her know who you really are?

[Woggle]

If you realize it or not it does effect her. You should be able to confide in her. Are you afraid if she knew the real you she would pack up and leave?

 

I could only imagine that you are living an almost double life. How you really feel inside and what you let her think you feel.

 

Not that you expect her to solve it, or fix it for you, but don't you trust her enough to let her know who you really are?

 

Would you marry a man who said some of the misogynistic stuff I say on here? I doubt you would. She knows I have issues with women but I am not so sure if she knows I am damn near paranoid about our relationship.

[a4a]

Would you marry a man who said some of the misogynistic stuff I say on here? I doubt you would. She knows I have issues with women but I am not so sure if she knows I am damn near paranoid about our relationship.

 

Well eventually she will figure it out or end up feeling like you are hiding things from her. Why not come clean??

 

And I may have married you if you treated me in a proper manner and did not treat me like a man hater.

 

Woggle I suspect if you do not address all of this soon it will indeed blow up in your face and it will be your own doing not that of a Woman that is out to get you.

 

You are lacking serious trust and honesty on your behalf, not her that is doing it. You are the being the dishonest one. Your wife doesn't even know who she married........ wow. I think if you talked with her and with the help of your therapist your M can work out fine. But your current approach of being dishonest and not trusting her will destroy your M, actually you will end up destroying it though, not your W.

[bab]

Why not have your wife join you in therapy so that you can explain your feelings to her in a controlled environment.

 

It's not fair to have kept these things from her. If you think that she might not have married you, that's even more evidence that she has a right to know. And I'm guessing that she will help you work through it and not leave you high and dry as soon as she learns how deep your issues go.

[Mz. Pixie]

Would you marry a man who said some of the misogynistic stuff I say on here? I doubt you would. She knows I have issues with women but I am not so sure if she knows I am damn near paranoid about our relationship.

 

Well, see that's another can of worms. You're putting up a false front to her, not showing her the real you. So, she married a person who is not the real Woggle. That alone would cause a woman not to want to stay with someone. Misrepresenting who you are.

 

Eventually the side you're trying to hide will come out. And not in a good way because you've been stifling it. Trust me, it's not going to be pretty. I'd come clean now if I were you.

[JamesM]

I understand coming here for advice and venting, but you say that you do not trust women....yet you seem to trust the advice of women given here. Why?

[Woggle]

I understand coming here for advice and venting, but you say that you do not trust women....yet you seem to trust the advice of women given here. Why?

 

This is just an internet forum so I can analyze the advice given but offline a woman has the potential to destroy a man's life. I take anything a woman says with a grain of salt until she proves it with action.

[Pink_Tulip]

Can I play devil's advocate here?

 

I am on the fence about telling the wife every single issue. And I lean more toward not telling her. If she knows woggle is going to therapy, I assume she knows he discusses issues he has related to his first wife and mother, does she really need to know every single detail? The truth is, woggle loves her very much, and is making amazing progress, IMO anyway, in dealing with his issues. Is it going to do this relationship any good for her to know how scared and vulnerable he is right now? The most stressful position you can put someone in is to make them respsonsible for something they cannot control. If woggle spills the beans, she will probably feel like she has to help woggle in some way, or prove she won't leave him. But the bottom line is, she can't change how woggle feels. Only he can. So worst case scenario is that she will start feeling the stress of woggle's fears and paranoia, and eventually start resenting him for feeling that way about her and their relationship when she has done nothing to contribute to his issues, know what I mean?

 

Thats the thing about counseling, it is a safe place to vent all your irrational fears, so that they don't contaminate your relationships. As long as woggle is sincere in his efforts to change his behavior and internal thinking, I think maybe, for now, he should not bring her into this until he has a bit more therapy under his belt. Just my opinon.

 

And woggle, for the record, I have a great respect for you and everything you have done to change your life.

[a4a]

This is just an internet forum so I can analyze the advice given but offline a woman has the potential to destroy a man's life. I take anything a woman says with a grain of salt until she proves it with action.

 

Yeah but Wog in RL you are waiting for your wife to get you too. Do you think it is fair that you feel this way towards her and pretend to really just trust her? If you think she is so damn different so damn unusual than put her name on your house. How is that for a challenge of trust?

 

It again is not about having a vagina...... online, real life. For cripes sake my H and I joke about his fast clothes, fine car, and big bank acct that attracted me to him...... The guy was driving a 88 pickum' up truck with dents all over it when we met, wearing a old pair of nasty work pants, and for cripes sake his business just folded. Not all women are gold diggers or out for something with a man. I had no idea he was good in bed even for all I knew he had a pencil weiner......

[Woggle]

Yeah but Wog in RL you are waiting for your wife to get you too. Do you think it is fair that you feel this way towards her and pretend to really just trust her? If you think she is so damn different so damn unusual than put her name on your house. How is that for a challenge of trust?

 

It again is not about having a vagina...... online, real life. For cripes sake my H and I joke about his fast clothes, fine car, and big bank acct that attracted me to him...... The guy was driving a 88 pickum' up truck with dents all over it when we met, wearing a old pair of nasty work pants, and for cripes sake his business just folded. Not all women are gold diggers or out for something with a man. I had no idea he was good in bed even for all I knew he had a pencil weiner......

 

I know not all women are bad but I have yet to find the right balance between being an emasculated weenie who apologizes for being born with a penis and an insensitive misogynost so for now I would rather protect myself and err on the side of caution. This does not extend to my wife though. The thing that attracted me to her is that she truly does appreciate the tender nice guy side of me. I feel like I don't have to put on this armor when I am with her.

[a4a]

I know not all women are bad but I have yet to find the right balance between being an emasculated weenie who apologizes for being born with a penis and an insensitive misogynost so for now I would rather protect myself and err on the side of caution. This does not extend to my wife though. The thing that attracted me to her is that she truly does appreciate the tender nice guy side of me. I feel like I don't have to put on this armor when I am with her.

 

Well then she has a brain enough to recognize men have feelings. Good.

I cannot stand chest thumper type men myself.

 

But I tell ya Wog it has nothing to do with genitals. I don't like wimpy women or men. But I also don't like overly harden men or women aka people.

 

You have got to stop thinking that all women are the same. Hell even vaginas vary in size, color, and other attributes. We are not all your mother, far far from it. Most of us Women would probably want to beat the hell out of your mother for her nasty attitude.

 

I am sorry she did this to you...... remember she did this not all women..... just her, and you got tangled up with another person that believe it or not probably had more in common with your own mother than you realized at the time.

[CrushedOrgans]

it sounds a lot like you have more of an emotional attachment to the house than you do to your wife.

 

you feel strongly enough about it to consider the possibility that your wife might leave you and you want to deny her any right to it if she does. and so you are protecting yourself, i suppose. but you haven't even considered that you could lose your house somehow--i don't know where you live, but floods, fires, vandals, anything can happen.

 

but you seem to trust the house more because you put your "blood, sweat, and tears" into it. i believe that you did, and that's awesome, but did you not invest as much in your relationship with the woman you married?

 

maybe not, it's just a speculation. but instead of thinking "i want to pay off this house so if something happens to me, the woman I AM IN LOVE with will have a place to live" you think "i'm not letting the potential beyotch have a piece of what's mine."

 

it's coming off like you're just covering your own azz. which i guess is what you're doing...and that wouldn't be such a big deal if you seemed stable enough on your own to commit to marriage.

 

i am marrying a man i love so much that if he left me, i wouldn't even care if the house we were living burned to the ground. i would be too busy picking up the pieces of myself off of the floor. to me, that's how i know i am ready to be married. i know not everyone sees love that way though, and that's okay. to some, what i just said sounds like a great way to get burned, and i guess that is very possible, especially seeing some of the examples here on LS alone. but if i lived that way, i might as well not leave the house and avoid any possibilities of getting hurt in any way.

 

 

you said you were in counseling, so good luck.

[Woggle]

Well then she has a brain enough to recognize men have feelings. Good.

I cannot stand chest thumper type men myself.

 

But I tell ya Wog it has nothing to do with genitals. I don't like wimpy women or men. But I also don't like overly harden men or women aka people.

 

You have got to stop thinking that all women are the same. Hell even vaginas vary in size, color, and other attributes. We are not all your mother, far far from it. Most of us Women would probably want to beat the hell out of your mother for her nasty attitude.

 

I am sorry she did this to you...... remember she did this not all women..... just her, and you got tangled up with another person that believe it or not probably had more in common with your own mother than you realized at the time.

 

You are right. I always complain about manhaters who generalize men but then I go and do the same thing so in many ways I am no better. You are right about my ex being like my mother. Last I heard she was becoming militant and plans to join women's group when she gets out.

[a4a]

Woggle when you can learn to trust your wife it will be a huge relief. Trust me, ( ) I know this from personal experience in my own M or pre marriage.

 

Maybe if you could trust her enough to share yourself with her that would be the first step.

[Mary3]

Just like your * ghetto now fabulous house * is a Sham and so is your Marriage. You took a *crumbled dump* and planted some flowers outside....

 

The cockroaches are still in the Walls and your wife is just another piece of *home improvement*. Too bad she gets *seconds* compared to how you feel about your precious home.

 

Don't worry this is about to come to an end .

 

If you had been honest with her from the beginning then she would not have to suffer the wrath of a bitch hating man who thinks all women are evil vaginas out to destroy him.

[Woggle]

Just like your * ghetto now fabulous house * is a Sham and so is your Marriage. You took a *crumbled dump* and planted some flowers outside....

 

The cockroaches are still in the Walls and your wife is just another piece of *home improvement*. Too bad she gets *seconds* compared to how you feel about your precious home.

 

Don't worry this is about to come to an end .

 

If you had been honest with her from the beginning then she would not have to suffer the wrath of a bitch hating man who thinks all women are evil vaginas out to destroy him.

 

Who went to the bathroom in your coffee? I had an exterminator come in so there are no roaches. I have lived with roaches so believe I know them when I see them.

[Walk]

Maybe I'm giving humanity too much credit, but I find it hard to believe that Woggle's wife is clueless as to his deep seated issues regarding women, and trust.

 

He's posted on here how many times about conversations he's had with his wife? Conversations in which he was BASHING women. In which his wife agreed with him.

 

She has at least an inkling as to what type of woman his ex is, and maybe a tiny bit of information regarding who his mother was.

 

Maybe I'm assuming people are more perceptive then they are.. but personally, I think his wife does know more then she lets on to. I think she does understand the true motivation behind Woggle keeping that house entirely in his name. Honestly look at the situation. Here's an independent, intelligent woman who is basically subjugating her independence. Why? I've been in a situation before where my bf owned the house and wouldn't let me pay half the mortgage. It made me feel like a free loader. Are we all working under the assumption that Woggle's wife is happy being a freeloader? That she wants that? Or do you think she's consenting to this agreement for other reasons. Reasons that may benefit Woggle in the long run. Reasons that maybe ensure that Woggle feels safe, comfortable, "in control"...?

 

Hell, in regards to the whole marriage. I think she knows entirely too well what is going on in Woggles mind. She's not stupid. And I dont' think she's clueless. If she hasn't picked up that he has issues with women by now, then she's brain dead.

 

And no matter what issues Woggle has with women and trust... the only thing important is his actions toward his wife. If you want a true guage of what a person thinks, look at the actions. They can fake the words, but the actions are the dead give aways. What do Woggles actions tell us? Tells me he respects his wife enough to NOT want to try to control her.

 

Either way.. I think your situation is fine Woggle. You worked very hard for that house, you earned it. There's nothing wrong with safe guarding your assets. Just don't allow material possessions to come between you and your wife.

[Mary3]

I honestly don't keep up with Woggles posts or remember them all " * but * the first part of his post his major concern seems to be his house and how to protect it from Vultures ( er, I mean women ) and so he gets a pre-nup to protect his house. ....Its fine to work hard and own property ....

 

But here we are talking about * marraige * and thats exactly what it is : ....You blend together everything and marry one another and you must have TRUST ( among many other things ) . Otherwise you don't get married.

 

I don't advocate marraige either way . You are either the marrying kind or you embrace your *singleness*. If you DO choose to marry someone , just know MANY things become * ours * and very little is just * mine *

 

I don't have an answer for this one except to say some never get married ( again ) after being financially * raped * by someone. Not sure if Woggle was married prior or is it that he just has a need to cling to whats his and not open up his mind that its supposed to be * theirs * .

 

I can't tout marriage as a great entity unless the couple is emotionally stable enough to realize she gets half ( either now or later ) in most states.

 

Thats what marraige is supposed to be all about. *

[Walk]

the first part of his post his major concern seems to be his house and how to protect it from Vultures ( er, I mean women ) and so he gets a pre-nup to protect his house. ....Its fine to work hard and own property ....

 

But here we are talking about * marraige * and thats exactly what it is : ....You blend together everything and marry one another and you must have TRUST ( among many other things ) . Otherwise you don't get married.

I don't see the problem with how Woggle feels about the house. I think you have a valid point about sharing everything, but from my view point, Woggle is sharing. They both live there, they both benefit financially from the house. It is blended. The only thing he didn't share is future claim to the house if she divorces him. As long as they are married, she benefits from Woggle having bought a house.

[a4a]

I don't see the problem with how Woggle feels about the house. I think you have a valid point about sharing everything, but from my view point, Woggle is sharing. They both live there, they both benefit financially from the house. It is blended. The only thing he didn't share is future claim to the house if she divorces him. As long as they are married, she benefits from Woggle having bought a house.

 

I don't see the problem either as long as he in his heart is not considering her a freeloading roommate of sorts. If he busted his ass to get that house and it is his..... no biggie IMHO. Just like if my H decided to just take over my property and claim that (example) my horse (which is now worth a great deal of money and is considered an asset by the courts) belonged to him and took it. (H would find himself taking a quick trip through the wood chipper if he attempted that) I can totally understand having passion and pride for the home he worked so hard to get. Some may only see it as a home, just money, or just a thing..... perhaps to Woggle it respresents much more?

 

I would be more concerned if she is not really aware of how insecure he is in this relationship because of his dislike for women in general. Perhaps time will show him that she is not out to get him like all other women. I know he says it, but he is still thinking perhaps she is a double agent?

 

I can also understand this from personal experience. But eventually you have to trust or you will end up proving yourself right by driving your spouse away with your own insecurity. IMHO (because you cannot give yourself to your spouse entirely, you have to reserve a little just in case they are a double agent)

[Guest]

Forget about the house issue, it's only money. Our house cost $154.00 I paid $147.00 of it but he supported me while I stayed at home and raised our children. During that time I got multiple inheritances probably totaling almost 150-200 grand all of which only $55 is left - the rest when to the family/cars/finished basement/trailer/vacation/debts/furniture/clothing etc..... Is our relationship great? Nope. I'm working full-time, he's retired and staying at home with the kids full time. I've asked him for a divorce multiple times this year - he wants to work on it.

 

In Ontario the matrimonial home gets divided equally no matter what agreement you have. I'm ok with it because he'd have nothing to begin a new life with and I've discussed less expensive areas of the country where we could move which would allow us to both own homes outright if we divorced. The house is now worth $250 so $125 won't get us a big place, but it will get us war houses and that's fine by me.

 

What I'm trying to say, is that you can have a solution before there is a problem, and there is alway a solution if you have the right attitude - that's my two cents worth.

 

Gues