norajane Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 Right now my house will be paid off by next year and I don't aske my wife to contribute a dime to the mortgage. She is living here rent free and she only goes half on the utilities and the groceries. The reason for this is that if we get divorced I want the house to be mine. Our prenup already says that I get ths house unless I cheat on her or abuse her which I won't do anyway so this is my way of insuring that it is all mine in court. A female coworker thinks I am being too paranoid with this. Is she right? That's fine if you wish to separate the assets you held prior to your marriage. Your wife obviously doesn't want them since she was amendable to a pre-nup. Since she's so much older than you, I presume she had some substantial assets of her own which she wished to keep separate as well in the event of a divorce. However, your "rent free" and "only goes half on the utilities and groceries" smacks of you keeping account. Because she lives with you "rent free" would you expect her to buy all the groceries and pay for all the utilities? That's so absurd. You're married, not living together, not roommates sharing an apartment. Her income and your income at this point are marital assets and are joint income. By keeping account of who pays what and how much and where it goes and to what, you show your distrust and lack of desire to create a partnership and build a future together with your wife.
quankanne Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 I think the first responder said it best: It's between you and her, and you shouldn't worry about what your coworker says if yer wifey is in agreement with what you've already proposed. my curiosity lies in another direction: What happens if you die before moving out of the house? Would your widowed wife get the place? Does she know what your plans upon your death? Because at this point, you prolly should be thinking of that as what is going to dissolve your marriage, not "what if she leaves me." just wondering.
Mz. Pixie Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 I am perfectly happy single but why pass up a great thing when there is chemistry. Why should you pass it up??? You weren't emotionally ready, that's why.
Mz. Pixie Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 Hate to point this out... a wife doesn't pay rent.. every month you make the mortgage payment half of that payment is hers already.. so she does pay her half of the mortgage.. You don't have to like it.. but your income is marital property and you are using your/her income to make the mortgage payment RENT ??? WTF is wrong with you... She is your wife for gods sakes... RENT !!!!!!! WORD!!!! This really really rankles me, RENT. If my husband considered the money that i bring in as rent, I'd be like WTF EVER buddy. This topic is close to my heart because my husband was the betrayed spouse in his marriage. He'd put a large down payment on his home from an inheritance he got when he was married to her. In the divorce since she was cheating, she gave him the house just to get out. Yet, when we married did he ask me to sign a prenup or give up my portion of that equity in the home??? No, he offered up a quit claim to put my name on the house as well. And for the record, I offered to sign a prenup giving up any percentage of his inheritance if I should cheat or leave him and he declined to have me sign one. A marriage is a partnership, with deep true intimacy. I personally just do not see how you can become this if you continue along these lines Woggle.
alphamale Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 Right now my house will be paid off by next year and I don't aske my wife to contribute a dime to the mortgage. She is living here rent free and she only goes half on the utilities and the groceries. The reason for this is that if we get divorced I want the house to be mine. Our prenup already says that I get ths house unless I cheat on her or abuse her which I won't do anyway so this is my way of insuring that it is all mine in court. A female coworker thinks I am being too paranoid with this. Is she right? First of all WOGGLE....its more impt who's name is on the deed of the house than who makes the payments. Even if mickey mouse makes you payments the house will still be yours if your name is on the legal papers. Also, you should get a decent lawyer if you don't know this already. In addition, you should also know that many prenups don't hold up in divorce court.
JamesM Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 Woggle, since you asked....yes, I believe you are being paranoid. I also believe that prenups can be a mental out. You have a prenup just in case. If you did not have one, then you would be "stuck." I can only imagine how my wife would react if I said that she is a renter in my house. I found this statement interesting... Women like my wife are one in a million and I did not know if I would ever meet somebody like that again. So, did you marry her because she is one in a million or because you love her more than any other woman, and will commit to her your all? BTW, I heard recently that there are now over 300 million people in the USA. So, that means that there are 300 possible choices for you now. And if you go outside of the US, your odds increase. My question is...what if you do meet another one in a million woman? I have to say that I do understand where you are coming from...with your past and all, but I also have to say that marriage is risky no matter what. Your wife is going the extra mile to put your mind at ease. Are you showing her that you trust her?
alphamale Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 BTW, I heard recently that there are now over 300 million people in the USA. So, that means that there are 300 possible choices for you now. yeah if he's a bisexual....and a pedophile. That # includes everyone.
Enema Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 yeah if he's a bisexual....and a pedophile. That # includes everyone. He said there's 300 to choose from, not 300 million. It's ok, I accept your apology.
JamesM Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 yeah if he's a bisexual....and a pedophile. That # includes everyone. I know, but not to be technical...he didn't say one in a million WOMEN.
alphamale Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 He said there's 300 to choose from, not 300 million. Ok of 300 million people half are men. That leaves 150M women. Lets say 50M of them are under 18. So that means there are 100M adult women in the US. His is one in a million so he has 100 total women of which he is married to one which leaves 99 available.
JamesM Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Relax, dude. The point was...how will he respond when one comes along?
Mary3 Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 I feel the OP is greedy , *get mine , get mine* attitude which will make for a short disasterous marriage with no trust and mutual meeting of the minds... So lets look at it a little differently here.... She is a human being . You get tired . You kick her to the curb. She is now homeless. How fair is that to her regardless of pre nups , and all your insecurities. ? Tenant ? NOT ! Either blend into the melting pot together or don't contemplate matrimony EVER !
Author Woggle Posted November 30, 2006 Author Posted November 30, 2006 I feel the OP is greedy , *get mine , get mine* attitude which will make for a short disasterous marriage with no trust and mutual meeting of the minds... So lets look at it a little differently here.... She is a human being . You get tired . You kick her to the curb. She is now homeless. How fair is that to her regardless of pre nups , and all your insecurities. ? Tenant ? NOT ! Either blend into the melting pot together or don't contemplate matrimony EVER ! She can more than afford her own place and more than likely she will be kicking me to the curb if anybody is doing any kicking. Women have a habit of doing that. I am just protecting myself. If I don't look out for me who will?
a4a Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 She can more than afford her own place and more than likely she will be kicking me to the curb if anybody is doing any kicking. Women have a habit of doing that. I am just protecting myself. If I don't look out for me who will? Woggle she is different though!!! She is one in a million. Either you believe that or you obviously really don't. How bout saying I think she wouldn't do that. But for some reason you do think she is like all other women to have to worry about it. Keep going to therapy. Do you think if she found some other guy she would really be that interested in your house? Maybe she is stashing away all her money and prepared to take care of herself without you...... dude, get a grip here. How does she feel about it? You keep saying how you feel about it, have you really asked her?
Author Woggle Posted November 30, 2006 Author Posted November 30, 2006 Woggle she is different though!!! She is one in a million. Either you believe that or you obviously really don't. How bout saying I think she wouldn't do that. But for some reason you do think she is like all other women to have to worry about it. Keep going to therapy. Do you think if she found some other guy she would really be that interested in your house? Maybe she is stashing away all her money and prepared to take care of herself without you...... dude, get a grip here. How does she feel about it? You keep saying how you feel about it, have you really asked her? Yes she is different but she is still a woman. I know this sounds sexist but I have learned to never fully trust a woman. They have the habit of leaving at the drop of a dime and I am protecting myself in case this happens. I have a neighbor right now who is going through hell with his soon to be ex and he stands to lose everything. I don't know how she feels about it. She thinks it is a nice gesture that I am handling all the finances as far as the house goes.
bab Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 I know this sounds sexist but I have learned to never fully trust a woman. Marriage without trust is pointless. Why bother?
a4a Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Yes she is different but she is still a woman. I know this sounds sexist but I have learned to never fully trust a woman. They have the habit of leaving at the drop of a dime and I am protecting myself in case this happens. I have a neighbor right now who is going through hell with his soon to be ex and he stands to lose everything. I don't know how she feels about it. She thinks it is a nice gesture that I am handling all the finances as far as the house goes. Whoa Wog, First off let me tell ya' I like you. But you are a pain in the ass, and you are your own huge pain in the ass. Listen, my H's best friends M is falling apart, he runs about getting bj's from strippers. I sit and watch this (not literally). I have another friend who has a cheating H, she is in the middle of getting evidence on him. But I do not look at my H like he is one of those men. He would not do such a thing, nor would I. I don't compare, as there is no comparison to those men and my H. Totally different animals. You should consider some MC I think. I think you must be lacking some sort of communication with your W so you think she is like all gold digging man haters. (BTW, there are not as many of those as there are of nice women). Yes she has a vagina, but that does not make her like every other person on the face of the earth with a vagina. If she was a guy would you think she was out to get you too? Having a vagina does not cause a person to be evil and out to get you. You had some bad experiences with vagina bearing people but you need to realize people are individuals. Women that are raped, beaten, abused by men. Funny though that so many can come back to embracing another one and see him as being different. Let me tell you from exp. genitals have nothing to do with making a good or bad relationship. It is the person. Maybe you need to hang with some people that are in a better state of mind with their life?
Author Woggle Posted November 30, 2006 Author Posted November 30, 2006 Whoa Wog, First off let me tell ya' I like you. But you are a pain in the ass, and you are your own huge pain in the ass. Listen, my H's best friends M is falling apart, he runs about getting bj's from strippers. I sit and watch this (not literally). I have another friend who has a cheating H, she is in the middle of getting evidence on him. But I do not look at my H like he is one of those men. He would not do such a thing, nor would I. I don't compare, as there is no comparison to those men and my H. Totally different animals. You should consider some MC I think. I think you must be lacking some sort of communication with your W so you think she is like all gold digging man haters. (BTW, there are not as many of those as there are of nice women). Yes she has a vagina, but that does not make her like every other person on the face of the earth with a vagina. If she was a guy would you think she was out to get you too? Having a vagina does not cause a person to be evil and out to get you. You had some bad experiences with vagina bearing people but you need to realize people are individuals. Women that are raped, beaten, abused by men. Funny though that so many can come back to embracing another one and see him as being different. Let me tell you from exp. genitals have nothing to do with making a good or bad relationship. It is the person. Maybe you need to hang with some people that are in a better state of mind with their life? I know on an intellectual level that you are right but that defense instinct I have built up over the years just kicks in. I thought my ex was the woman I was going to spend my life with. We went through hell together and she stuck by my side even when we were living in public housing together receiving food stamps. That is why it was so hard when she did a 180 on me. I am just afraid of this happening again. Even with all the crap I had from my mother the end of my 1st marriage is what turned me so negative against women. Also I have seen your posts and you have had many issues with your husband so I guess I am having those issues with my wife. Venting on here is what keeps me from driving her up the wall with it.
Ripples Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 So, let me get this straight. Your first wife left you, possibly because you didn't provide a home for her. So, because of that, you're not going to give your current wife your home.
a4a Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 I know on an intellectual level that you are right but that defense instinct I have built up over the years just kicks in. I thought my ex was the woman I was going to spend my life with. We went through hell together and she stuck by my side even when we were living in public housing together receiving food stamps. That is why it was so hard when she did a 180 on me. I am just afraid of this happening again. Even with all the crap I had from my mother the end of my 1st marriage is what turned me so negative against women. Also I have seen your posts and you have had many issues with your husband so I guess I am having those issues with my wife. Venting on here is what keeps me from driving her up the wall with it. And yes vent away it gives you a chance to look at different angles. Much better that you are confronting the issue rather than hiding it But your wife is not your X, nor your mother. Maybe you need to keep repeating that to yourself? Keep in mind I am not worried about my H leaving me or sticking it to me. I have gotten cheated on, ended up giving up 2 homes and money. So yes like you I did not go into this blind. (Long story but my finances are now tied to others so I cannot risk it either this round). If it were just my money alone, with no other people I promised to not "hurt" I would not have bothered to do a prenup. I am curious as to what or how your wife feels about all this? Have you really talked to her about your issues and how they relate to her?
Author Woggle Posted November 30, 2006 Author Posted November 30, 2006 So, let me get this straight. Your first wife left you, possibly because you didn't provide a home for her. So, because of that, you're not going to give your current wife your home. Actually it all fell to pieces when I got us out of the ghetto and we bought a house. We were more happy together when we were poor. I don't know what it was but when we moved to New Jersey is when things unraveled. Like I said I am just protecting myself and when we do move our new home will be our together but this house is my baby.
Ripples Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Right, ok. Well, thanks for clearing that up for me. I can only speak for myself. I would feel terribly hurt if I were your wife. How does she feel about the arrangement? Oh, and if you rent out the property, will she have a share in the rental income?
Author Woggle Posted November 30, 2006 Author Posted November 30, 2006 And yes vent away it gives you a chance to look at different angles. Much better that you are confronting the issue rather than hiding it But your wife is not your X, nor your mother. Maybe you need to keep repeating that to yourself? Keep in mind I am not worried about my H leaving me or sticking it to me. I have gotten cheated on, ended up giving up 2 homes and money. So yes like you I did not go into this blind. (Long story but my finances are now tied to others so I cannot risk it either this round). If it were just my money alone, with no other people I promised to not "hurt" I would not have bothered to do a prenup. I am curious as to what or how your wife feels about all this? Have you really talked to her about your issues and how they relate to her? My wife is not fully aware of how screwed up I really am which is probably a mistake.
a4a Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Actually it all fell to pieces when I got us out of the ghetto and we bought a house. We were more happy together when we were poor. I don't know what it was but when we moved to New Jersey is when things unraveled. Like I said I am just protecting myself and when we do move our new home will be our together but this house is my baby. Well I can understand that, you worked hard to get that home. Maybe moving would solve some of this problem into a house that could be both of yours. I do not see anything wrong with you keeping the house to yourself. But if you really feel kinda "miffed" that your wife lives there for free then I think that is the real issue. I don't see an issue unless she has one with it, which she does not as she signed the prenup. So where is the real problem? What is really buggin' ya?
Author Woggle Posted November 30, 2006 Author Posted November 30, 2006 Right, ok. Well, thanks for clearing that up for me. I can only speak for myself. I would feel terribly hurt if I were your wife. How does she feel about the arrangement? Oh, and if you rent out the property, will she have a share in the rental income? She doesn't realy mind. She has things that are hers and she wants to keep it that way so she understands. If I rent it out I will share it with her but I want ownership. I turned this house from a crumbling dump and into a nice place to live myself and probably tripled it's value so I would want to hold onto it.
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