UGHdating Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 Okay, Yeah I screwed up. Im really on here to vent. Its pretty much over between me and the Player. I didn't realize my word and actions were going to screw it up, but I was so blinded by the fact that I was afraid to getting hurt that i didn't realize that this guy really like me. It wasn't until my friend pointed it out to me. So what happend in the last few weeks since my last post? Well since our last conversation, where he told me he liked me and then I said the same, that I liked him but still I told the player I wanted to have a open relationship, but I really only said that to save face - we had another conversation, where I meant to tell him that I didn't mean open relationship, but it didn't come across that way, instead i said "I don't want to feel guilty by going on other dates." DOH! I don't know what's wrong with me. And since we work together, he knows that I did go on other dates. SO I think that pist him off, no wait I know that did, as he reverted into as*hole mood and deciede one night when we went out with other coworkers, that he would go home with some random chick at the bar, so blantly in front of me. UGH. So I tried to talk to him one night after work and instead, he didn't want to talk about it as he was leaving and said he would call me over the holiday break, but didn't, which made me annoyed. So when we returned to work, he tried to talk to me about how my holiday weekend was and I kinda brushed him off. So that in turn made him ignore me. Then unfortutely I had to ask him something in regards to work and he commented something that insuiated that he was referring to me. Which now made me really annoyed. So that's it. UGH. I'm officially annoyed. And need to move on, but its a pain in the ass that we work together. EDIT - I just realized I need closure. Actully I still want to tell him my real thought process as far as what I really meant when I said those things. I know he is done with me as I am to him just probably a girl with issues and drama, and he don't want to deal with. How do I do that with out looking all desperate?
Author UGHdating Posted November 29, 2006 Author Posted November 29, 2006 One more thing - My real thought process was I am afraid of getting hurt and I want to tell him that but at the same I time I don't want to tell him that as I think it just puts me in a more vuranable situation.
ddnnee Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 why do people fall down?........... so they can pick themselves up. -you know who.
DanielMadr Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 Thank you for this post. It gives me a clue why so many girls behave so aloof (lack of better word) or inconsistent despite of strong buying signals etc. They were insecure. They defended their frafile ego so hard that they f@cked up - slashing my ego. He just cant give you cetificate of 'I will stay with you for as long as you wish' in advance. You tell us he is a player. But if he was playing (which is not so sure), he was playing to get You. But you definetely was playing....and only to protect yourself. I dont judge you....you had your reasons. He is probably done with you. Only chance is to apologize sincerely and tell him exactly what you told here. 'I am sorry about my silly games, I was afraid of myself." If you tell him you was afraid of him....I wouldnt like to hear that I am not to be trusted. I cant garantee he wont have any resentement against you even if you do apologize. Can you tell me, what he should do or say to overcome this "I dont want to be hurt" obstacle?????, please
DanielMadr Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 One more thing - My real thought process was I am afraid of getting hurt and I want to tell him that but at the same I time I don't want to tell him that as I think it just puts me in a more vuranable situation. So what? seriously.
Spinderella Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 So what? seriously. I agree. Thats the risk of relationships isnt it? I also agree to tel him you were afraid of yourself, because you realised you liked him alot. Just dont say it in a dramatic way. Tell him what you really do want. Make it simple. Then leave him with the information, and make your excuses and leave.
Mz. Pixie Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 I told you before, there are no players. Only a man who isn't into you. If he's in to the woman to begin with, he won't be a "player". They just don't do it. They'll pretty much drop whatever to be with the woman they truly want, regardless of their past history. I know this from personal experience. Perhaps you should read that "He's just not that into you" book, written by a man???
DanielMadr Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 I told you before, there are no players. Only a man who isn't into you. If he's in to the woman to begin with, he won't be a "player". They just don't do it. They'll pretty much drop whatever to be with the woman they truly want, regardless of their past history. I know this from personal experience. Perhaps you should read that "He's just not that into you" book, written by a man??? Nicely put. Thank you. But I can tell you there is only one kind of "player"...the bad one. He just want a notch. He has love interest level in you about 45% but plays you anyway only, because he is bored, you are easy target practice etc. ...dont try to 'force' a guy to 'drop whatever' for you.....he will reconsider his love to you if he has his shyt together.
moman Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 As I said in the earlier thread, I think the guy was being straight up and confused by UGHs actions. Her protecting herself so strong confused the heck out of him and caused him to back off and ultimately caused the demise of the relationship. Sorry UGH.
Kamille Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 Discussion of the existence or non-existence of Players interesting. Especially when put in parallel with UGHdating's experience. I think you're right in realising that it is your own fear about being played that messed up the situation. See, the way to tackle the dating game is to go in it fearless. Knowing you've got something to offer, knowing you won't let yourself be played. Which enables you to just be yourself. Then if things don't work out, you know they didn't work out because they weren't meant to work out. I don't know if I would approach the maybe-not-such-a-player-after-all if I were you. It sounds to me the closure you need has to come from within. You need to think about what was behind your self-defense mechanism? Why you felt threatened by the thought that the guy was a player. As Mz Pixies pointed out, I don't think there is such a thing as players. Lots of humans trying to figure it all out, people into you or not into you (and it's our job to select who we decide to fall for). This means that you have to be confident that you know you're worth it and that you also know you get to choose when a relationship is or is not working for you. That you also know what you want and feel confortable asking for it. At the same time, I do also know that sometimes it helps to get a bit of closure from the person. The thing is, it sounds to me like you want to approach him to make yourself feel better, not him. Just be sure you realise that no one but you can make you feel better.
Mz. Pixie Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 ...dont try to 'force' a guy to 'drop whatever' for you.....he will reconsider his love to you if he has his shyt together. I wasn't trying to force anyone to do anything. My point is that if a guy is really into you, he'll have no reason to play games or continue to be a player- because he'll be doing whatever it takes to be with the person he's chosen- which in this case is you. Women want to say a guy is a player when the guy is not interested in them like they are the guy. Truthfully, there might be guys who behave as players, yes, but, that's due to their maturity level or the fact that they just haven't met the right girl yet. Women spend alot of time trying to analyze men, and they are just not really all that difficult.
Kamille Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 Women spend alot of time trying to analyze men, and they are just not really all that difficult. You said it sista. It's amazing the amount of time, energy and heartbreak one can save by not trying to analyse why mister X said this but then this that and what does it mean. Time and energy better spent boosting one's self-esteem and investing in personal hobbies. and or work in my case.
DanielMadr Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 You said it sista. It's amazing the amount of time, energy and heartbreak one can save by not trying to analyse why mister X said this but then this that and what does it mean. Time and energy better spent boosting one's self-esteem and investing in personal hobbies. and or work in my case. 100% agree
DanielMadr Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 I wasn't trying to force anyone to do anything. My point is that if a guy is really into you, he'll have no reason to play games or continue to be a player- because he'll be doing whatever it takes to be with the person he's chosen- which in this case is you. Women want to say a guy is a player when the guy is not interested in them like they are the guy. Truthfully, there might be guys who behave as players, yes, but, that's due to their maturity level or the fact that they just haven't met the right girl yet. Women spend alot of time trying to analyze men, and they are just not really all that difficult. I didnt mean YOU try to force someone. On the other hand, when guy has experience he knows he has to play a little bit, because girls do play. If he do 'whatever it takes to be with girl' he is viewed as needy,clingy wimp. Lets face the reality... no matter how mature man is....when he sees girl he knows in few minutes/hours if he wants to date her or not. What separates wussys from Men is CONTROL. Men can control themselves, and wussies cant. And there is maybe wider range of oppurtunity for Men. Men are picky.
Guest Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 I've never understood what's wrong with being a player. Players are good people.
Author UGHdating Posted December 1, 2006 Author Posted December 1, 2006 Thank you sooo much again everyone. But due to circumstances - him being a punk to me and immature about it, I am not going to get the closure and tell him what i really feel, nor aplogize. Yes it was wrong for what I did, and yes I soo learned from it, but i did what i did, and there is no turning back. BUT I do agree if he really wanted to be with me he would have over came what happend and talked to me. There is a reason why it turned out this way and I don't know what that is, but I am going to hope that its for the better. It totally sucks and it TOTALLY hurts as I started to think what the hell is wrong with me and why he really doesn't like me - but whatever there is nothing I can do now. IT IS WHAT IT IS. BTW whos the guest that said whats wrong with being a player? haha. UGH Dating. I'm done dating again for awhile. It may be another few months till I can explore that again. Time to bury my ass into my Work again. *sigh*
amerikajin Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Sometimes I wonder just what the point is of romance. There are so many f*cked up people out there, and then there are people who are otherwise good but then they become jaded by divorce or bad relationships in the past.
DanielMadr Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 BUT I do agree if he really wanted to be with me he would have over came what happend and talked to me. There is a reason why it turned out this way and I don't know what that is, but I am going to hope that its for the better. Nobody can put up with so much shyt you throwed at him.....only some desperate, frustrated, gimp. Im gonna be hard on you, I hope it helps. Your attitude is horrible. Being "Im independent", 'he has to earn me', 'every guy wants only sex' 'no apology' etc....is major turn off, because it has NEON SIGN "SPOILED, IMMATURE, ATTENTION WH0RE, EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE, ALWAYS VICTIM'. He was probably blinded by his love or inexperience (you are the player in this story ) not to see it. Some jerks do sleep with women they dont want actually date but I dont think it is his case. I think you didnt find him attractive enough and you played him for your ammusement...you j*rk I think you need to find real man....he will spank your naked bottom sooner or later in the datin proccess and you will be hopefully cured. Then find another real man and behave cured
nicki Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Hey, Ugh, it just wasn't meant to be. Maybe you met him so you could confront this whole dating issue and learn from it...which you have. I would go talk to him and briefly say "Hey, just wanted to let you know that I was afraid and that's why I acted the way I did. I really liked you and hope we can be friends." That's it. Say it for yourself, not for him, and not because you are hoping to be with him. Then walk away, head held high and be confident when you see him.....it will help you realize that life goes on and that it's not that big of a deal in the big scheme of things... Don't beat yourself up too much. Next time you are with a guy, be honest about what you want. It took me some time to realize that I didn't need to have a big discussion about those kinds of things....I just needed to have the courage to say "Well, I'd like to date only you and have you date only me. What do you think?" Anyway, go out on another date with someone else so you can make a new dating history. Have fun and be wildly honest when he asks you a question. It's fun, see how much of real self you are willing to put out there....
typical Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Have fun and be wildly honest when he asks you a question. It's fun, see how much of real self you are willing to put out there.... Great advice, Nicki..really great advice.... It IS fun to be that way, and such a relief. Scads better than sitting demurely, and fluttering your eyelashes so much that you now have developed a torrid case of REM and your not even sleeping. Be daring. Nothing can be acomplished by shying away and refusing to turn your petals towards the sun. There is no shame in being you, raw, honest and bare. You learn so much. Find your voice. Use it. It is also great practice to use on people that you first meet. Practice how to say No, learn to voice when you are feeling uncomfortable, or quite frankly, when you feel that you are being played. Be blunt and straightforward. Become emboldened with the knowledge that you wont settle for less, no exceptions. "I cant quite shake this feeling that you are trying to play me. Quite honestly, I dont have time for that nonsense, so if you are thinking of shamming me, please move on." Or something to that effect. Once, a guy tried to take liberties with me, and kiss me. He was extremely foward, and it made me very uncomfortable. Instead of allowing him to do that to me, I pushed him firmly away, and I vocalized my my feelings: "I believe kissing is rather intimate. You dont know me well enough to shove your tongue inside of my mouth.I am only going to say this once. If you ever try that on me again, I will slap you across the face" Of course, he tried it again. Of course I slapped him across the face. I most certainly did, and didnt feel a drop of remorse for it. I warned him. He knew I was serious. It is fun to watch the reaction, and see the real emotions come to the surface. You catch them off guard, and get to hear their genuine responses. I agree with mz pixie on this: I told you before, there are no players. Only a man who isn't into you. If he's in to the woman to begin with, he won't be a "player". They just don't do it. They'll pretty much drop whatever to be with the woman they truly want, regardless of their past history. I know this from personal experience. I think that as Daniel stated: You tell us he is a player. But if he was playing (which is not so sure), he was playing to get You. This was the case. He was playing to get you. Can you think of how many times you have stayed in a situation that you werent really invested in? Sure, maybe you stayed once or twice, but you learned your lesson and moved on. Do you really think he invested so much of his time and energy into you for no reason other than to play you? Because if that is truly what your instincts are telling you, then perhaps it was for the best that things ended the way it did. Chalk it up as practice, growing experience.
Recommended Posts