Bronzepen Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 Wow, I never thought I would be back at the LoveShack. But here I am again. Here is the break down. Met my neighbor 4 years ago. Dated for one year then we moved in together. Lived together for a year then saved up to by a house. Got married the following year. 1 year 4 months into the marriage she has an affair. Marriage over. Her side - She has not been happy and has expressed that to me for a long time. This is true. My side - I don't believe marriage is just a piece of paper. So I tried real hard to make things work. Problem is that she expressed her concerns but did not want to here my concerns. So only one person was working on the marriage. I suggested marriage counseling but she did not want to go, insisting I was the problem. I new something was up when she came to me 3 weeks ago with the line - "I don't see this working we should split in the spring." This was when the affair started. Once I found out about her affair, it was over. I can't bring myself to forgive her. Here is the "curse" for lack of better words. I was married before for 11 years. The same exact thing happend. Not happy, not wanting to try to work on it then affair. Here is the ironic part. The affairs happend exactly the same. I mean like almost a mirror image. Both - Affair with coworker. Very fast affair. First week emails. Second week make out in car at company parking lot. third week make plans to meet at hotel while I am away. Talk about bad karma. Both had the same reaction after being caught. They both felt that they had justification for their actions because they felt the marriage was over. I don't understand that philosophy or logic but it's just me. Like I said, to me marriage is not just a piece of paper. Life is an experience and what have I learned from this. I don't know. Will this happend again? I don't know Could I have done anything to prevent this. I can honeslty say that I tried real hard to make it work but it takes two to tango. If one party doesn't want to make an effort then the marriage is doom to failure. My question, is it me or is it just bad luck.
Moose Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 Wow Bronze, I had no idea. But it is nice to see you again though, even under these circumstances...... I think it's just bad luck. Find you a gal that believes the same about marriage as you do......don't you go to Church?
EnigmaXOXO Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 My question, is it me or is it just bad luck Maybe it's a little of both. Part of it could be you. Not that you are doing anything that drives your partners into having affairs … but rather there is something that subconsciously attracts you to a particular personality type which ultimately leads you into choosing the same kinds of people over and over again. Similarly, I was told during counseling that I had a 90% chance of one day finding myself in a relationship with another alcoholic or addict … without even knowing it. I thought it was hogwash, since I felt reasonably sure I would know what signs to look for this time, and how to avoid it. But because I am subconsciously attracted to certain characteristics in people that are opposite of my own, I found myself dating a few guys who ultimately ended up being carbon copies of my ex once I had gotten to know them well enough. While it may seem like dime-store psychology, I gotta tell ya, this stuff is for real and having almost fallen into that predicted ninety percentile … it really scared me into taking a more careful look at the similarities between the types of people I habitually found myself gravitating towards. But since what we find attractive about another person goes far deeper than the conscious level, how does one go about deprogramming themselves? Especially when the warning signs we already know to look for are often deliberately (or through our own lack of intuition) hidden from us. (???) I think for most of us, finally freeing ourselves from that dysfunctional spin cycle often has more to do with "luck" than being able to accurately predict the future behavior of our relationship partners.
Guest Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 Wow Bronze, I had no idea. But it is nice to see you again though, even under these circumstances...... I think it's just bad luck. Find you a gal that believes the same about marriage as you do......don't you go to Church? Hi Moose, good to see you again. Hope all is well with you. yes your right I guess I should find someone with the same beliefs as you. do I go to church? Well yes and no. I went to church because it was important to my wife but the connection to God was not there. I am an agnostic more or less at this point in my life....pretty much for most of my life. Good to see you again Moose.
Author Bronzepen Posted November 28, 2006 Author Posted November 28, 2006 Wow Bronze, I had no idea. But it is nice to see you again though, even under these circumstances...... I think it's just bad luck. Find you a gal that believes the same about marriage as you do......don't you go to Church? Hi Moose, good to see you again. It's been a while, I just responded to your quote but my session timed out so you will see my reply as Guest tomorrow once the mods review it. Hope all is well with you.
Author Bronzepen Posted November 28, 2006 Author Posted November 28, 2006 Maybe it's a little of both. Part of it could be you. Not that you are doing anything that drives your partners into having affairs … but rather there is something that subconsciously attracts you to a particular personality type which ultimately leads you into choosing the same kinds of people over and over again. Similarly, I was told during counseling that I had a 90% chance of one day finding myself in a relationship with another alcoholic or addict … without even knowing it. I thought it was hogwash, since I felt reasonably sure I would know what signs to look for this time, and how to avoid it. But because I am subconsciously attracted to certain characteristics in people that are opposite of my own, I found myself dating a few guys who ultimately ended up being carbon copies of my ex once I had gotten to know them well enough. While it may seem like dime-store psychology, I gotta tell ya, this stuff is for real and having almost fallen into that predicted ninety percentile … it really scared me into taking a more careful look at the similarities between the types of people I habitually found myself gravitating towards. But since what we find attractive about another person goes far deeper than the conscious level, how does one go about deprogramming themselves? Especially when the warning signs we already know to look for are often deliberately (or through our own lack of intuition) hidden from us. (???) I think for most of us, finally freeing ourselves from that dysfunctional spin cycle often has more to do with "luck" than being able to accurately predict the future behavior of our relationship partners. Hi Enigma, You may be on to something. I will have to further review and maybe do a comparison with both ex's. In my case it may be some psychological disorder that both my ex's had. Thanks
anna13 Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 Maybe it's a little of both. Part of it could be you. Not that you are doing anything that drives your partners into having affairs … but rather there is something that subconsciously attracts you to a particular personality type which ultimately leads you into choosing the same kinds of people over and over again. I think that is very true, these women both need validation that they are attractive, smart what not , maybe you want to be the hero , take care of these insecure women . It isnt you , what i mean is these women would have affairs with any husband that was not fulfilling their "need" there are many women out there who would not even consider and affair. And I don't think anyone thinks marriage is a peace of paper, these women don't think that , they know marriage is more then that, they dont care though it makes them feel good that they are doing what they want to do and they want to use you for the blame but they dont want to admit that they are just not happy with themselves. If these women were to marry again . they would do it again once they feel they are not getting enough validation from their H . Look for the similarities ( not looks) with these two women and stay away from those types of girls. I'm sorry this is happening to you again . also , this is your neighbor? was she your neighbor when you were married too? did she say hello to your wife time to time? this lady probobly had her eye on you and felt a need to know if she could get you ( if she was a better woman ) ,.....for again , her own self validation that she is attractive or what not.
Author Bronzepen Posted November 28, 2006 Author Posted November 28, 2006 I think that is very true, these women both need validation that they are attractive, smart what not , maybe you want to be the hero , take care of these insecure women . It isnt you , what i mean is these women would have affairs with any husband that was not fulfilling their "need" there are many women out there who would not even consider and affair. And I don't think anyone thinks marriage is a peace of paper, these women don't think that , they know marriage is more then that, they dont care though it makes them feel good that they are doing what they want to do and they want to use you for the blame but they dont want to admit that they are just not happy with themselves. If these women were to marry again . they would do it again once they feel they are not getting enough validation from their H . Look for the similarities ( not looks) with these two women and stay away from those types of girls. I'm sorry this is happening to you again . also , this is your neighbor? was she your neighbor when you were married too? did she say hello to your wife time to time? this lady probobly had her eye on you and felt a need to know if she could get you ( if she was a better woman ) ,.....for again , her own self validation that she is attractive or what not. You make a good point anna13. Your right they probably will do it again. My STBX was my neighbor after I moved out and and divorced my first wife. I met my STBX 2 years after my divorce so they never met.
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