samsungxoxo Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 Hi I would like to share this so any feedback will be helpful. I have realize this has been following for years, even now. I will start of with a very quick background from the time when I was a kid to now. I have been known to have difficulty when it comes to actually apologizing and saying "sorry" if I have to. I believe it started at age 8 or even a bit younger. My mother's friend one time took me to grade school, I accidently elbowed a large lady but say nothing. The lady scold me on that, my mom's friend told me I should say something, I smile and say nothing, walking away while the lady was angry aftercourse. Over the years, until I was 11, I never would apologize when I would trip on/step on people or little accidents like that, which got me in trouble on two occassions. Another huge lady almost came after me. Then another time I was in a playground (being 9 at the time) with my friend Eric. Me accidently elbowed a younger girl, I had the "wutever' attitude and say nothing. Seconds later a gang of many girls along with the girl's older sister went running after me with sticks. Luckly dad was there to solve the dispute. Well in that I have improve, though at times if I tripped on someone or elbowed them, I normally expect the person not to notice it and walk away so fast. Then comes in arguments, if I started it and say something bad I didn't mean it I tend to look for reasons and instead point fingers either at that person or something else. With my b/f, twice when we were discussing something of no importance on the phone, I did called him a "stupid mule" once and then at another occassions, I got a bit defensive too and came to actually insulting him. I was wrong, but instead I was like "Alright forget it" instead of apologizing. Then comes the problem, on very few occassions when I did apologize, I didn't say "I'm sorry", instead I was like "Well see, it was not my intention and well this and this, etc.., . So what's wrong with me, why do I have trouble apologizing?? It's like I never, hardly ever want to lose.
Author samsungxoxo Posted November 28, 2006 Author Posted November 28, 2006 Then comes the part that if I were to ever be guilty of something, I would NOT ask for forgiveness. Instead I would tend to blame the other person and pretend I'm the "Know-it-all", b/c it really sucks to actually show regret, I prefer hiding it.
Ripples Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 So what's wrong with me, why do I have trouble apologizing?? This is your answer: It's like I never, hardly ever want to lose. You need to establish why you feel that apologising is losing.
Author samsungxoxo Posted November 28, 2006 Author Posted November 28, 2006 You need to establish why you feel that apologising is losing.I guess the reason why I think apologizing is losing is b/c well see, you get the idea that you don't want to be seen as the weak person, instead the tough, fierce, stubborn one who's very careful and makes no mistakes (kinda like a lioness within me). Then another reason could be b/c I feel embarassed, it's easy to point fingers and avoid admitting your mistake, it's hard however, to do otherwise (apologizing and admitting your mistake/s).
Ripples Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 I guess the reason why I think apologizing is losing is b/c well see, you get the idea that you don't want to be seen as the weak person, instead the tough, fierce, stubborn one who's very careful and makes no mistakes (kinda like a lioness within me). Ok, so you need to address why you think you'll be seen as weak if you apologise. You also need to think about why that and why being seen as someone who sometimes makes mistakes, would be a bad thing. Then another reason could be b/c I feel embarassed, it's easy to point fingers and avoid admitting your mistake, it's hard however, to do otherwise (apologizing and admitting your mistake/s). First off, I think it would be a good idea to think about this more in terms of 'I' rather than 'you'. No, not everyone is embarrassed or finds it hard to admit their mistakes, you do. What you're not realising is; when people see you not apologising and not admitting your mistakes, it's then that you are viewed as weak.
Walk Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 Possibly insecurity, and low self-esteem..... Trying to protect your "image". "Saving face" is the main goal. Not considering how your actions affect others. Inability to empathize with other humans. Distancing yourself from responsibility in an attempt to protect your percieved self-image. I don't know.. I'm still trying to figure out why you can freely insult your bf and make it his fault, but if he tells you to shut up you'll whack the living crap out of him.
BannaBee57 Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 My ex was like this. He would never say he was sorry, no matter what. I could be crying my eyes out over something he said and he would just sit there. One time he dropped a huge widescreen tv on my toe and it turned purple right away and he didn't even acknowledge that it happened. I used to ask him why he had such a hard time with saying he was sorry and he said that when he was younger and appologised for something he did his mother would tell him that saying sorry doesn't do any good so why bother. Obviously, this really stuck with him and in turn it is one of the reasons that we broke up.
whichwayisup Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Then comes the problem, on very few occassions when I did apologize, I didn't say "I'm sorry", instead I was like "Well see, it was not my intention and well this and this, etc.., . So what's wrong with me, why do I have trouble apologizing?? It's like I never, hardly ever want to lose. It sounds like you just don't want to take responsibility for your own actions. Saying "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings" isn't saying sorry really. By sayin it like that, you're not thinking that you did anything wrong and you put the owness on the other person. That makes sense, not wanting to lose - But it doesn't make it right. The thing is, when there is a winner, there is always a loser...And most of the time the person who loses, feels like crap. It hurts to always be the one who gets hurt, has to put up with stuff and never gets an appology. It's OK to be wrong and it's OK to say sorry to someone and mean it. That makes a strong person, someone who can see their mistake, own up to it and appologize. Reading your posts, recent and past, I know you have anger issues ... Calling your boyfriend a stupid mule wasn't nice and maybe you should say sorry to him. If you called you that, how would you feel? Other than angry and want to smack him. This all ties in to your folks, the abuse and right now your frame of mind. I'm not saying this to be mean, but it's something that needs to be said. Your thinking patterns, and how you handle yourself in a stressful situation isn't normal...You need help. Anger management, counselling, CBT - Something to help you get out of this way of thinking. It's wrong and eventually you will lose people who you care about because of your issues. Deal with it now before it gets out of control even more.
Author samsungxoxo Posted December 1, 2006 Author Posted December 1, 2006 Now that calling him a "stupid mule" was a while ago already. I have stated there would be no name callings, so I kept the promise, so in that matter doesn't actions speak louder than just words. But yea I guess I might be a bit hypocritical in saying I would react if it was him calling me callings and raising his voice when I had done it myself. Funny, one time I told him that we (me) could get away with certain things that if he were to do it, then he would be a loser, and not me. Yes, I do realise I migth have anger issues once in while but it's all under control. As for counselors, they are the biggest liars and snitchers, no trust in them ever again, not in a million years. Well going to work now, bye.
Author samsungxoxo Posted December 2, 2006 Author Posted December 2, 2006 Ailec, check your messenger. Zitty do I know you? If so pm me
VandGsMom Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 AILEC!! Hello sweetness! All right, as for the problemo, I am the total opposite, I ALWAYS jump to saying I am sorry before the other person. I think it is a compensation either way, tho. Either you don't want to hurt people (me) or you don't want to seem weak to people so they can hurt you (you).. Oversimplifying? Maybe. But worth an emotional look-see nonetheless.
Zippy Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 Zitty do I know you? If so pm me Yeah you know me. We've been talking about that password on IM I'd PM you but this account is still new so I haven't got the privilidge yet.
dgiirl Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 I guess the reason why I think apologizing is losing is b/c well see, you get the idea that you don't want to be seen as the weak person, instead the tough, fierce, stubborn one who's very careful and makes no mistakes (kinda like a lioness within me). Ailec, you cannot keep up this charade. The longer you keep your gaurd up, worrying about showing "weakness", the more stressed, depressed, and freaked out you are going to be. Plus, the more aliented you're going to make yourself. Good people do not like to be around others who are constantly judging, constantly worried, constantly stressed, constantly "right". How can you possibly enjoy life to it's fullest if you are worried people will look at you as weak? And if the people in your life truely do look at you as weak, then you need to choose better people in your life. You WILL make mistakes. Humble yourself and accept that. You will need help from time to time. But that doesnt mean you are weak. In fact, acknowledging your weaknesses shows a lot of courage and strength. Humbling yourself and appologizing for the things you've done wrong, shows a lot of courage and strength. You fear people will judge you on showing forgiveness. So think about how much strength it must take to overcome that fear and do it anyways. Why do you feel you have to be perfect?
Recommended Posts