true love or bs?

[slave2love]

A few months ago I was contacted by my first love (the one that got away). The last time I had talked to him was 13 years ago, the day I said goodbye to him and moved out of state to be with my now husband. I spent the first 3 years of my marriage depressed and felt like I had made a huge mistake by leaving my first love. I've thought about him every day since but always figured he hated me for leaving him.

 

After many long conversations we discovered that we still loved each other and both wished we would have stayed together. He also married his "rebound" person. We met up one night and had a fantastic time. He said so many things to me both before and after our reunion...He told me "No matter what happens I will NEVER stop talking to you"..."True love conquers all"..."I can't let it go"...."I can't quit you"..."I can't lose you again"..."you're the only one who's ever loved me unconditionally"...."Please don't ever leave me again"..."We only get one chance in life at TRUE LOVE"...."We need to be together"..etc. He refered to songs and movies that made him think of me over the years. He cried like a baby the first time he saw me (web cam) He cried on the phone to me because he missed me and wanted to see me.

 

So after our wonderful one night reunion he said we needed to find a way to be together. That he loved me and would never let me go. That he needed me in his life forever. Then a few weeks later he started to pull away. The conversations got shorter the emails stopped and when I told him I was feeling like he used me he told me "No no no! It's not like that...I love you, I always have and I always will". "I just couldn't take it...I want to see you every day and I can't so I backed off because it hurt too much". (we don't live in near each other)

 

Then the W got his cell phone bill and put the pieces together...He contacted me to let me know she would be calling my house (Which she did) I spoke with her...lied for him told her we were just old friends, had dinner, realized we no longer had feelings for each other and that we weren't intimate. After this he said he's wasn't letting me go...couldn't "quit" me and that "no" it wasn't over. But then started avoiding my calls and not responding to any emails. The last thing I heard from him was a dial tone after he hung up on me (I was angry and wanted answers)

 

So here I am with nothing but questions...I don't believe that men say all of that mushy crap if they don't mean it. It's not like we just met...we have a long history (out first relationship lasted 4 years) He remembered everything about me...even what I used to order at restaraunts he used to take me to. Things my parents said and did....said he remembered it all because he "couldn't let it go all these years". I need to understand how he could go from "I'll never stop talking to you no matter what" to hanging up on me.

 

I never asked him to leave his wife, all I asked for was email once in a while. I feel like I was given a gift, the love of my life returned to me and then without a word he was gone again...no explaination..just gone. Now I need answers I know I'm never going to get and I don't know how to get over it. I can't sleep, I've lost 30 pounds...and everything makes me cry.

 

I'm angry and I can't believe this happened. He told me everything happens for a reason...us talking again, both of us not "letting go". But I can't for the life of me figure out what the reason was for all of this hurt. I was fine before he contacted me...I missed him but it didn't hurt anymore. It took me years to get to feeling good the first time...this time I don't think I can take it. I'm a mess and I need advice. Thanks for reading I know this was a long one!

[LucreziaBorgia]

I don't believe that men say all of that mushy crap if they don't mean it.

 

I'm sure at the time they say it, they do think they mean it. Unfortunately, all of that changes as soon as the marriage is threatened, and they recant. If he has some feelings for you still (and I'm sure he does - they don't just go away like that, particularly since you and he have a long history together), he has chosen to bury and deny them and go back to his marriage. So... it doesn't really matter how he feels in the end, eh? It is all the same result. He stays married, you stay miserable.

 

I need to understand how he could go from "I'll never stop talking to you no matter what" to hanging up on me.

 

Because the time came to make that choice. You or the marriage. The hanging up was less about his feelings for you, and more about him trying to protect his marriage.

 

Enough about him. What about you? Do you want things to be better with your husband? Have you considered any couseling, etc. to get yourself out of this mess?

[Jane Doe]

He told me "No matter what happens I will NEVER stop talking to you"..."True love conquers all"..."I can't let it go"...."I can't quit you"..."I can't lose you again"..."you're the only one who's ever loved me unconditionally"...."Please don't ever leave me again"..."We only get one chance in life at TRUE LOVE"...."We need to be together"..etc.

 

Obviously he's not going to stand behind his words. And that's all they are is words. You need to look at his actions. His actions say that he's going to remain with his wife. I dare say, practically every OW has heard those exact same words from their MM many, many times. I'm convinced there's a book out there they learn these lines from. You need to stop romanticizing this and focusing on what he said. Look at the facts of the situation and consider this a lesson learned.

[slave2love]

Thank you for the replies...I know that what you ladies have said is true. I know because I've been the unsuspecting W. My H has done this to me and I know how much it hurts. That is why I spoke w/ his W...I've been in her shoes. I lied because I also felt guilty for hurting her. I refused to give her details about the meeting and told her that if she wanted to know details it was up to MM to tell her. We talked for 20 minutes like friends (very strange). I told her that I've been in her shoes and I understand how she felt. I felt guilty for lying to her but there were many many reasons that I did. To protect everyone involved...myself, MM, my H and her.

 

I am in marriage counceling with my H. I know I should get some individual conuseling for myself. I really didn't want him to leave her for me and when it comes down to it I really don't want to leave my H either. (I did at first) I've just been wanting MM all these years. Missing him and hoping he would contact me. (I never would have made the first move) I really just wanted to keep in touch via email or an occassional phone call. It made me happy just to know how he was doing. I strange friendship if you will. In my mind I thought that if someday we were both single again for any reason then maybe we would be together. If not that was fine too..but to remain friends was important to me and to my feelings.

 

At this point I just want to know what happened. I would like answers, an appology a goodbye. Something. Anything that he could say to lessen the blow. That's what hurts the most. I feel like he started this whole damn thing and should be man enough to end it sweetly.

[PoshPrincess]

Really feel for you, Slave2Love. It sounds like you're in complete turmoil. Have you thought that it may just have been the buzz of meeting up with him that has got you feeling like this again? I know you once loved him but with the day to day 'mundane' of marriage, some flattery and attention from someone you once had feelings for, someone who holds so many memories from the past, may have just got you confused. I cheated on my ex-partner and it's only now it's all over that I can look back and realise it was the excitement that made me think there was more to my A. I was looking for a way out of my 'boring' R and thought the OM was the answer.

 

I agree with Lucrezia. I have been a OW and these MM do think they mean these things when they say them. They believe it themselves but then their marriages come crashing down around them and they realise what they have to lose. Sometimes they still mean the things they've said but don't have the courage of their convinctions. That was my experience anyway. I still believe that my MM meant everything he said re his feelings for me but once his W found out he realised he had too much to lose, particularly as he had two children that he loved more than anything. I can only respect him for his decision as I know he is still unhappy in his M while I have moved on to another R and feel I am in a much better place. I may not have the extreme highs I felt with MM but neither do I have the lows. The emotional rollercoaster just wasn't worth the ride!

 

You say you don't want to leave your H but you may never get answers from the MM and, even if you do, will you believe what he has to say? He might just tell you what you want to hear so as not to hurt you. I think you probably should get some IC. You need to get over this and see if you can make your M work.

 

Best of luck.

[GreenEyedLady]

At this point I just want to know what happened. I would like answers, an appology a goodbye. Something. Anything that he could say to lessen the blow. That's what hurts the most. I feel like he started this whole damn thing and should be man enough to end it sweetly.

 

It looks like you are going to have to accept the fact that you are not going to get the closure that you are looking for...you'll have to make your own closure...He's shown you his true colors...

 

You are married and don't want to leave your H...you need to focus on your H and forget about MM...your reality is with your H, not your MM...

 

P.S. I'm sorry that you're hurting...we're here for you...

[slave2love]

Closure is the key word here. He wouldn't give it to me 13 years ago either...that's what scares me. I have no doubt in my mind that he will come around again in time and profess his love again and I will get sucked back in. He knows how much I love him. It will probably happen right around the time I start to feel better about it. Like I said it took me YEARS the last time to get over the hurt and I NEVER got over loving him. This time it hurts so much worse. I feel like he is trying to leave the door open by not allowing me to get that closure from him.

 

I seriously wish there was an on/off switch...a memory eraser...something that would help me just forget...shut off the feelings and move on. When this happened I was the most confident I've ever been in my life...successful in business and happy about me for the first time in a long time. Now I've let everything go to sh*t. I can't find the motivation to get back in the swing. I feel like I'm stuck and can't move on without the closure. I don't know how to find it for myself...only time helped before but I don't have the luxury of time at this point. I need it now. I wish there was a way for me to pin him down and make him give me the answers I need (I've asked via email for those answers repeatedly...no luck). I would have to drive 9 hours to where he lives and probably make an a** of myself to make that happen. I won't do that because I'm not Psycho! But man do I think about it often.

[whichwayisup]

You have to make your own closure and decide to focus on your marriage. You crying and letting him know how much you hurt is sort of pointless, hate to say it, and chances are, you're not going to get the type of closure you're expecting him to give you. It will just lead to more questions, more confusion inside you. His NON-action IS your closure. Meaning his silence, not answering your emails is actually an indication of how reality is now.

 

You know at some point in time you meant alot to eachother, so please try your best to leave it at that. The more you push it, the more he's going to ignore you! Why waste energy on someone who has chosen to stay with his wife and not have you in his life? I'm sure it hurts, but you gotta see it for what it is.

 

Focus that energy into your own marriage and reconnect with your husband. Forget the MM, don't call/email him ever again. The less you think of him, the less you'll care.

[Catharsis]

Slave2love, please read my story, I was in a very similar situation with my "MM", who was also someone I almost married more than a decade ago. It nearly killed me when he married someone else, very soon after we broke up. To make a long story short, he wouldn't give me closure either - in fact, during the almost four years of us being in touch again, he's been very evasise and deceptive. Only after I took desperate measures and snooped did I find out what he was all about and saw his true colors.

 

The image of my "knight in shining armor" that I had carried in my heart all these years was shattered, and I can see this guy in the harsh light of reality. I'm glad to be with my H instead, who is not as charming, charismatic and smooth as my ex "MM", but he is my rock and his actions speak much louder than ex"MM"s smooth yet deceptive words.

 

Sometimes you have to thank God for unanswered prayers.

[silktricks]

Sometimes you have to thank God for unanswered prayers.

 

Maybe they're really answers to prayers that were never made.

[slave2love]

You have to make your own closure and decide to focus on your marriage. You crying and letting him know how much you hurt is sort of pointless, hate to say it, and chances are, you're not going to get the type of closure you're expecting him to give you. It will just lead to more questions, more confusion inside you. His NON-action IS your closure. Meaning his silence, not answering your emails is actually an indication of how reality is now.

 

You know at some point in time you meant alot to eachother, so please try your best to leave it at that. The more you push it, the more he's going to ignore you! Why waste energy on someone who has chosen to stay with his wife and not have you in his life? I'm sure it hurts, but you gotta see it for what it is.

 

Focus that energy into your own marriage and reconnect with your husband. Forget the MM, don't call/email him ever again. The less you think of him, the less you'll care.

 

Point taken...I have done the NC thing for 3 weeks now. After he hung up on me I sent him a short email that said...Wow...what a slap in the face...you could have let me down easy instead of stringing me along and playing mind games with me...you won't be hearing from me again. Plain and simple as that and he hasn't heard from me. Nor have I heard from him. I have tried very hard to turn my focus on my H. But I feel like I'm faking it because I CAN'T stop thinking about the whole thing. That was the point of the post to begin with. If I knew how to give myself closure I would have done it 13 years ago! Like I said only time made it hurt less. This time around it is harder to deal with...I have good days and bad but right now with the holidays coming...I can't watch t.v. because the stupid lovey dovey jewerly commercials make me cry...I can't listen to the radio...and he creeps into my thoughts at the worst possible times and I tear up.

 

I'm trying to act normal but I can't make the damn tears stop when he creeps into my head. I swear there are constant reminders every where I turn. I can't hide in my house and stop living my life. He broke my heart and I can't heal it fast enough to move on. Like I said...there's no shut off switch...at least not for me. Wish I knew MM secret for turning his emotions off so effectively. I've tried to hate MM with no success I try to focus on him hanging up on me and stay angry. I've tried to focus on the negative things about him. Nothing helps...not thinking about him is impossible for me.

 

Before he made contact again something would remind me of him and I could smile and go on with my day. No hurt feelings. I swear to GOD I wish he had never made contact with me again...not if this was the result. I question why this had to happen in the first place....I was FINE!

If everything happens for a reason.....WHAT IS THE REASON???? I've been through enough crap in my life I really didn't need this nor did I deserve it.

[NoIDidn't]

Closure is the key word here. He wouldn't give it to me 13 years ago either...that's what scares me. I have no doubt in my mind that he will come around again in time and profess his love again and I will get sucked back in.

 

He'll be back. It might not be for years, but he'll be back. He likes that you are still "hung up" on him and willing to tell him about it. I have an Ex like that. Only this time, I am not waiting for the next time he calls to disrespect me, my H, or our M. Every couple of years like clockwork I used to get a call. At first, it WAS flattering. Now, I know not to answer the phone. I changed my phone numbers and blocked him from all my email accounts.

 

I feel like he is trying to leave the door open by not allowing me to get that closure from him.

 

 

This is why you need to go to IC. If you don't, you will be stuck with a revolving door concerning him and he will keep playing with you. Create closure for yourself by eliminating from him the ability to find you. Then, once contact is eliminated, work on the whys of your feelings towards him. Did he make you feel a certain way? When you met, were you going through a particularly hard time in your life? Were you lonely? Was he your first serious R? All kinds of things could be why he sparks this effect in you.

 

Then there is the fact that you said you moved away and married and he did too. Why did you break up? Remember that. It is ammunition to keep him at bay and to give you closure.

 

Closure for me was acceptance of what WAS. I really don't believe in closure. It was to realize that this guy really never meant me any good. And knowing that I idealized him into something he just wasn't. Yes, I loved him. And I don't regret it. But its over now. Long over.

[GreenEyedLady]

Maybe the reason is that you are now forced with the reality that no matter what you wished for the two of you, it will likely never be...you both chose to marry someone else...And be thankful that the man you chose to marry didn't do to someone else, what this MM did to you...

 

Although I don't really agree that everything happens for a reason, sometimes things just happen...

[whichwayisup]

As things go now, from reading your lastest post - You have no choice but to let go and move on. Get counselling to help you, DO all that you must do to get past it. If you don't, eventually your marriage is going to go down the tubes...

 

Time is all you have. That and making the effort to NOT let those thoughts control you. Keep busier, be with your family and friends. Cry when you need to cry but don't let the grief get you down and ruin you. DO you think he's down and out, crying and not going on with his life? My guess is no. He's moved on, so now you must do the same thing.

 

The past is the past for a reason and it was a mistake to rekindle those feelings. You both married other people, so that is reality of it all.

[slave2love]

Another sleepless night...I'm venting here so that I don't call or email MM.

I want to call so badly. I need closure...not a dial tone but real closure. I need a sincere appology, an explaination. I want to make him tell me why he couldn't respect my feelings enough to say goodbye. I want him to realize what he has lost...the respect and friendship of a smart, beautiful, confident, strong, giving, successful woman who would have loved him unconditionally. (amazing but my self esteem is still very much in tact...I refuse to let anyone take that from me, it took me too long to find it!) He lost the one woman who adored him, made him feel worthy, important, and loved. The woman who didn't try to change him, the one who didn't make him work three jobs to keep her in the lap of luxury and gave him nothing in return. The woman who never turned him away when he needed love and affection. He lost a true love and a true friend that would never have judged, demanded or hurt him.

 

I know that I'm a hell of a great woman and he doesn't deserve me. I just hope he knows it. I'm sure he does....and I'm sure the W will remind him of it the next time she turns him away or picks a fight. The next time he laughs at something he knows I would find hillarious and she tells him he's being ridiculous. He will know the next time she tells him he can't do something he deserves to do for himself in reward for his hard work. Too bad for him when he gets tired of being controlled and rejected and he decideds to find me again I'll be long gone!

 

I hope there comes a day when he misses me and all that we meant to each other and tries to "re-kindle" it again. I would love to tell him...sorry buddy I gave you a second chance and you blew it! I gave you a chance to feel loved for who you are and you threw it away. I want to give him a taste of his own medicine and ignore him...let him see how it feels.

 

I've talked myself out of printing out our late night chats and mailing them to the W. I'm sure he told her lie upon lie about how I meant nothing to him. What a shocker it would be for her to read his words of undying love for me. I know she's hurt...I've been in her shoes which is why I don't send them. I want to make his life as miserable as he's made mine...but hurting her more is not something I could do...it doesn't make me the better person. Seems to me the OW gets the short end of the stick every time. I talked myself out of threatening him with my evidence because I'm not a low down dirty b-yatch.

 

Has he never heard the old saying "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned?" I could totaly rock his world! But like I said I'm better than that! Thanks for letting me vent...again. As soon as I get through this myself I plan to help OW get through their pain as well. I'm so glad I found LS you guys are the best!

[puddleofmud]

"Dream Men"--we all have them at one time or another! They may be persons popular in the media, an EX, someone we saw on the street, someone at work, etc.

Crushes are good things! They "start the heart". They make our little hearts go pitty-patter and our imaginations run to our deepest desires and wishes. I feel it alright to have crushes as long as one understands that this is all it's really about.

Even single persons have these kind of feelings, but are they realistic? We tend to super-impose our desires on mere faces or ideas.

Crushes are fun, we feel like teenaged girls! We need to feel all giddy and excited. After all, is that not what "love" is supposedly about? Perhaps for teen-agers, but the feeling is still quite nice!

It is really bad when one's dream man disappoints us. I am so very sorry this happened to you!

You have invested a great deal of your life wondering about what "may have been". You had a deep love for someone you "thought" about often, and then in reality they did not reciprocate. Your crush was CRUSHED.

That just stinks!

But does one really need a crush to make one's heart patter?

Does one's heart patter every moment about their partner?

I don't think it is realistic that extreme feelings (passion, emotional highs) can exist all the time--no one could deal with that.

Not likely, but when it does one's partner is THERE. They are not with another they are with YOU.

Your crush is gone and you are left with your permanent lover! What a lucky lady you may be!

I hope you can work that out for the best!

Hugs!

[slave2love]

"Dream Men"--we all have them at one time or another! They may be persons popular in the media, an EX, someone we saw on the street, someone at work, etc.

Crushes are good things! They "start the heart". They make our little hearts go pitty-patter and our imaginations run to our deepest desires and wishes. I feel it alright to have crushes as long as one understands that this is all it's really about.

Even single persons have these kind of feelings, but are they realistic? We tend to super-impose our desires on mere faces or ideas.

Crushes are fun, we feel like teenaged girls! We need to feel all giddy and excited. After all, is that not what "love" is supposedly about? Perhaps for teen-agers, but the feeling is still quite nice!

It is really bad when one's dream man disappoints us. I am so very sorry this happened to you!

You have invested a great deal of your life wondering about what "may have been". You had a deep love for someone you "thought" about often, and then in reality they did not reciprocate. Your crush was CRUSHED.

That just stinks!

But does one really need a crush to make one's heart patter?

Does one's heart patter every moment about their partner?

I don't think it is realistic that extreme feelings (passion, emotional highs) can exist all the time--no one could deal with that.

Not likely, but when it does one's partner is THERE. They are not with another they are with YOU.

Your crush is gone and you are left with your permanent lover! What a lucky lady you may be!

I hope you can work that out for the best!

Hugs!

 

Thank you POM....I loved this...helped a lot. Actually had a good day today, no crying! We shall see what tomorrow brings!

[GreenEyedLady]

Thank you POM....I loved this...helped a lot. Actually had a good day today, no crying! We shall see what tomorrow brings!

 

Good for you! Just take it one day at a time! GEL

[addicted2love]

I emailed...I still want answers...I swear I can't get this off of my mind. I'm losing my mind...It's all I can think about. I'm about one step away from getting in my car driving 9 hours and making him face me and talk to me. I would call his cell but his W is watching the phone bill like a hawk. I don't know how to get him to respond to email. I just HATE THIS!!! I feel like I'm losing my mind!!!...thanks for letting me vent.

 

A2L....formerly known as Slave2Love

[LucreziaBorgia]

What did you say in your email?

[puddleofmud]

I emailed...I still want answers...I swear I can't get this off of my mind. I'm losing my mind...It's all I can think about. I'm about one step away from getting in my car driving 9 hours and making him face me and talk to me. I would call his cell but his W is watching the phone bill like a hawk. I don't know how to get him to respond to email. I just HATE THIS!!! I feel like I'm losing my mind!!!...thanks for letting me vent.

 

A2L....formerly known as Slave2Love

 

You are NOT loosing your mind!

BUT, you have been placed in a terrible situation and hell, YES, you want answers! We ALL WANT ANSWERS!

But is that what this is really about?

Your grief process is in the "angry" stage. BE MAD!!! You are hurting so badly that all you wish is relief, now, not later, not next year, NOW.

Ask yourself if he is the proper person to give you relief?

He has certainly failed so far...

We are all here for you! Hang in!

[Rooster_DAR]

amazing but my self esteem is still very much in tact...I refuse to let anyone take that from me, it took me too long to find it!

 

You are risking it all over again by thinking this way. You are obviously not over him, and are entertained by the thought of contact, whether it be good or bad. Let it go, lot's of people are at risk here.

 

Good luck!