Was/is she more than a friend?

[Kellytheidiot]

This is a complicated story so bear with me please- my BF and I have been together on and off for the last two years. We were together basically the whole two years- neither of us dated anyone else and we were still acting like we were in a relationship. We saw each other three to six times a week, spent holidays together, went out on dates, slept together basically the whole time, still said I love you on and off. We talked on the phone EVERY single day for the last two years. even when we were "broken up". I was the one who told him I didn't want to be serious anymore. But we continued to date without the BF/GF label. It was complicated but we have rules just as in a relationship that if one of us wanted to date we'd tell the other (which neither of us dated anyone else) we also weren't allowed to have sex with anyone else. if either of us did than the "benefits" part of our relationship stopped. It was like friends with benefits except we had a strong emotional relationship too along with rules and boundaries exactly like a relationship.

 

The reason we weren't officially together was because of my BF's jealousy and trust issues. he constantly thought I was going to cheat on him and if I talked to other guys he just freaked out. I had guy friends- two that i am close to and he was so distrustful of then even though I'd been friends with both for the last ten years and nothing had happened. I'm 26. Anyway I wanted to cool things off nad go without the labels thinking my BF would calm down and stop being so possessive and jealous. He kept trying to talk me into being his girlfriend again and even talked of marriage. We saw each other EVERY weekend. We talked on the phone EVERY night.

 

He was just like a BF except I didn't call him that. A few times when other guys asked me out I told them I was taken because technically i was. About once a month for teh last eight months my BF kept asking me to get back together with him even though we were "together" in every sense except the title. I was afraid that if I agreed to become his girlfriend again he would feel he could be even more possesive and jealous (than he already was). If I didn't call him by a certain time each day he would accuse me of having sex with other men, that I was lying to him and hiding things. He is this way because his ex (and his son's mother) cheated on him several times before he caught her.

 

So I understand why he is afraid I will cheat. I have had these same fears beacuse in the beginning of our relationship he was still seeing his ex girlfriend (not physical iwht her though) and lied to me about it. I broke up wisth him over that and he promised never to hurt me again or lie to me and for two years he's kept that promise. He tells me everything- or so I thought. We offically became a couple three days ago)officially because we told everyone we are dating again when before we' d say we're best friends (with benefits). My BF has always told me he wants to get back together and that he's not going ot move on until he knew it was totally over between us. So we've been enjoying our new relationship (not much different than the FWB) except he tells me he loves me all the time instead of just once a month or so. Anyway tonight i feel like my world just shattered.

 

I was so happy and we got together and hung out and we were talking and cuddling and his cell phone rang and (he just got this phone # about two months ago) it was a woman. I couldnt' hear all of what seh said but the part I did hear (I was sitting right next to him) was that she had called his house and was suprised he wasn't home, she asked where his son was, and then she asked where he was and what he was doing to which he replied "nowhere special, doing nothing". That was the first part that upset me that he didnt tell whoever it was that he was with me (we've hung out all teh time for the last two years) then the woman said some stuff I didn't hear and then "well I'll give you a call later tonight." My bf wasn't very friendly to her just wanted off hte phone. When he hung up I asked who that was (he always asks me who calls me) and he siad it was his friend John (who he works with)'s wife. I have met John's wife and it sure didnt' sound like her. I asked him what she wanted. he said she called him to see if he knew where JOhn was.

 

It was the weirdest feeling but I just got this gut feeling in my stomach taht he was lying to me. Dont' know where it came from but I KNEW he was lying. I just felt it. I told him I didn't think it was John's wife because the woman never mentioned one word about JOhn. MY bf said well when she calls she does't ask for him we just know what she wants she calls everyone he works with" He had this whole big story about how it WAS john's wife and he didnt' understand why i didnt' believe him and I could just believe what I wanted. And that he was telling the truth. That he was sick of me asking who calls him (he asks ME all the time!) I am not usually teh suspicious one- he is. I still didn't believe him, I tried to reason with him and pointed out that I KNEW it wasn't john's wife. he had every excuse- that he didnt'' tell her he was with me beacue she didnt' even know who I was -even though I'd met his friend's wife in august and we saw her one time after that. He called me paranoid and tried to turn everything around on me saying that he was suspicious of ME beacuse twice this weekend he called my house and I answered my cell phone instead of my home phone ( I was on the internet) For some reason I couldn't let it rest. I kept asking him nad finally he gave in and told me- he was lying to me.

 

the woman he'd claimed was his friend's wife was a girl named Sara who he says he's known for the last 3 years. We've been together for two years and I have NEVER heard of her. My BF is a guy who practically demands that I tell him about every single guy I talk to. I once got asked out by this 57 year old guy I work with and my BF was all paranoid and jealous that I'd run off with him. A guy whose older than my own dad! Everytime I would talk to this guy my BF would get upset. And if I didn't tell him about a guy who calls me maybe once a year he will get mad and accuse me of stuff. So i find out that my BF has known this girl for three years. supposedly never dated with her or slept with her but she is calling his cell phone he's only had for two months, knows who his son is and has his home #. he said that she (sarah) was in an abusive relationship and her mom called him and wanted him to talk to her. She was pregnant (with someone else's baby and I believe this part beacause if it were my BF's child he'd take care of it as he has sole custody of his son) adn she was with a guy who beat her up. My BF says that he talked to her on the phone and thats it. that she moved next to where his brother lives but he has NEVER been to her house and she's never been to his house. He says he just helped her through rough times and that she just had her baby in september of this year. He swears that she is just a friend and maybe calls him every three weeks. He said they dont' hang out.

 

It absolutely blows my mind that I have NEVER heard of this girl and she has NEVER heard of me (he says he might have mentioned me when he first started talking to her) but that they dont' talk about relationships and she never asked if he was dating someone. For one thing my BF has NO female friends. he has told me himself that I am the ONLY woman he talks to. This is not something I asked or expected him to do- its just a fact accordign to him he doesn't have a need for any female friends because there is no point ()his words) I can not believe that my BF "helped her through a rough time" he absolutely hates it when people come to him with problems. I also can't understand why he never mentioned her. When i ask he says she wasn't worth mentioning and that he didnt' tell me because I would get upset and accuse him of things. He says he only talks to her maybe once a week or once every few weeks when she calls. He said he didn't give her his cell # that he gave it to her mom in case she needed to call him. He also said she has a boyfriend or this guy she likes that she tells him about. so if she was telling him about guys she likes why didnt' he EVER mention me? He says she is not cute, is 19 years old and that she just has had a rough life. he says he can't remember how they met but he's known her since before seh could drive (he's 29) so that would make her about 18 or 19 right now.

 

tonight (when this all happned) he did call her back and tell her about me while I was right there. He called her and siad I'm supposed to tell you that I'm here with Kelly adn the girl was like so?? why are you telling me this? confused like. My BF said well kelly wants you to know that I'm here with her. that I'm dating her. The girl sarah was like Okay?? well why does she want me to know this? I have a boyfriend so why does she care if I talk to you?" I said (from the background) because I don't understand why he hasn't told you he's had a girlfriend for the last two years. MY BF then says to the girl, "the last two days we got back together two days ago" I said no we've been dating on and off for the last two years. the girl says ok which is it the last two years or two days? My BF says the last two days. the girl is just confused why he is calling her to tell her this. she says am I still allowed to call you? and my BF says I dont know I guess so.

 

When he got off the phone I asked why he told her the last two days when I said two years. He said we haev a different definition of what on and off means. that because I made him wait so long to be official again that he tells everyone we're just friends during that time. even though we acted like a couple. He tried to turn everythign around on me like its my fault that he just couldnt' tell me (like I'd be jealous and suspicious) but I cant' imagine having a friend- male or female and never telling my BF about them. I cant imagine never telling him about a part of my life. He says he doesn't see her, does'nt call her, doesn't take his son aroudn her and that seh's never been to his house nor he to hers. that she has a boyfriend and just calls him for advice. he says he started helping her when seh was pregnant and needed someoen to talk to. that he loves kids and HAD to help her becaues of her kid. I still don't understand why he didn't tell me he talks to her??? Is there any explanation besides he was cheating on me with her or wanted to be with her? he says to prove it to me that nothign happened he will call her with me there and tell her he can't talk to her anymore. he siad he'll change his cell phone number. that he'll do whatever to prove to me he wants to be with me and is serious about me/ I just don't know what to do or what to believe

[Kathleen2260]

Wow that was long but I got through it. I would say that you are probably right- he was hiding the other woman from you because he was doing something wrong as in cheating or maybe he is just afraid to tell you about her because you would automatically think he is cheating because he thinks you are jealous? I don't know but can't think of any reasons someone who is committed to you would lie and hide the fact that he is talking to someone of the opposite sex.