jmargel Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 You already made one bad decision by sleeping with this OM, don't make another by not telling your husband. You need to tell this OM it is over, forever. Then stop all contact. Not just ignore him, that's not going to send the message to him that it's over. Quit playing games.
Rooster_DAR Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Consider this: My fiance of five years just came clean after a year of suspicoun and turmoil in our relationship. Although the truth hurt quite a bit, she gained if not just a little trust back by admitting to her affair. If we had gotten back together and the years went buy without disclosure and found out on my own, that would more than likely end it for me or at the very least I would never trust her again. Coming clean allows for many things to take place, and will bring into the open truth, trust, and the ability to open up communications after the emotions reside. Hiding an affair and continuing the marriage will probably end up in the same boat again, because underying problems that caused cannot be addressed. Honest goes a long way with most people, so I say be honest and do the right thing. If you have not seeing a marriage counselor, I would suggest you possibly talk to them and they may give you some more insight on how to handle the problem. Regards,!
Sup Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 That's ok, I deserve harsh. Yes, I did think about that. And believe it or not, my husband is better in bed than he is. Much better. This wasn't about sex. Yes, he was home taking care of the kids AND calling me to make sure I was ok telling me he would wait up for me if I wanted him too; then when I would crawl into bed, he would put his hand on my shoulder and say "love you babe, glad you are home". Your email almosts makes me change my mind about telling him. I have planned a w/e beach trip for next weekend (not this w/e) to tell him. I just don't know what to do. No chance of pregnancy. He was a married man with a vasectomy. Not that that makes this any more ok. I have two major management meetings next week where he will be flying in. I plan to let him know, by NOT being with him, that this is over for good. I just feel like life is over for me at this point. But that's really how I deserve to feel so no sympathy requested here... I wasn't trying to convince you not to tell him, but to try to put the reality into view, by the way, If it wasn't about sex, then WHAT was it about? When you do tell your hubby, YOU have to make sure that he realizes that HE didn't mess anything up, or fail in providing YOUR needs, that this was ALL you! I say this also, not to convince you not to tell him, you need to tell him, OK? He's gonna feel like HE failed in something, somewhere, somehow, what could I have done better, different? Including failing being a husband, and in marriage. That's the reality of how MEN feel in this circumstance. Like I say YOU're gonna have to reassure that NONE of this was his fault. I have said these things to prepare you, so you're not blindsided so much, but you'll be able to understand where he is at....... I really hope this helps and not hinders anything.
Sup Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 We're trying to help you, I hope you understand.
che_jesse Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Its never ok to decide what is right for other people, tell your husband and let him make his own decisions. Why did you even let it get this far? You said it started sexual? Why? Do you and your husband no longer have sex? I cant really offer you advice, cheating is the most disgusting hurtful and selfish thing you can do to someone else, I never understand why people do this to people they claim to love. And what about your children? Were you even thinking of them? No, of course you were not, you were thinking about how much you wanted some other guys cock in you. I think your husband deserves to know that this is how you feel about the life you and him have built together.
Ripples Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Sorry, but the people on here telling you not to tell him are just weak minded, selfish individuals. Maybe they have done bad things to their SO so many times they feel more than comfortable keeping a charade. I've been cheated on and never been a cheater. I take great offense at being called weak-minded and selfish. You know nothing of my personality and therefore, you are in no position to cast aspersions about it. However, fortunately, your post says far more about you than it says about me and, with luck, the OP will consider that.
JamesM Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Too often we assume there are motives behind each other's posts. But we must accept that our past will color our answers. If my wife cheated on me and I never found out, that is okay with me. But I know her...she could not keep that secret for life without it affecting her. Our sex life...what we have...would diminish, her attitude for me would be less loving and trusting. And she would unknowingly let out things that would show that she is carrying a deep secret. Eventually, I believe she would just have to tell somehow. If I cheated and didn't tell my wife, she would probably not like it. Yet I know I can keep this from her. Would it have an effect on our relationship? I don't think so, but if I am there it may be different. Each person is unique. If you researched each of the people answering your thread, it would definitely help to understand where each is coming from. Despite some who protest it doesn't matter...trust me, it does. It is easy to read the anger that is being projected at you by some, and if I was where they have been, I would be no different. Anecdotes and personal stories can be related for both sides of the argument. But still your story is your story and is unique. OP, my personal viewpoint and opinion of your situation is dependent on you. If you can start over with your husband and never cheat agin, then keep your secret. Put all of your energy into your marriage. But if you think down the road that this will affect your relationship with him in any way, then now would be the time to come clean and get it over with. Otherwise, you will keep thinking of the affair and wondering if he will find out. Personally, I would say keep the secret, but yet I hear a bit of "I want to tell him" in your words. No matter what we say, you will have to make the decision. As Ripples said, It is not a black and white case.
Ripples Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 James, you've said exactly what I wanted to, but much, much better!
Rooster_DAR Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Too often we assume there are motives behind each other's posts. But we must accept that our past will color our answers. If my wife cheated on me and I never found out, that is okay with me. But I know her...she could not keep that secret for life without it affecting her. Our sex life...what we have...would diminish, her attitude for me would be less loving and trusting. And she would unknowingly let out things that would show that she is carrying a deep secret. Eventually, I believe she would just have to tell somehow. If I cheated and didn't tell my wife, she would probably not like it. Yet I know I can keep this from her. Would it have an effect on our relationship? I don't think so, but if I am there it may be different. Each person is unique. If you researched each of the people answering your thread, it would definitely help to understand where each is coming from. Despite some who protest it doesn't matter...trust me, it does. It is easy to read the anger that is being projected at you by some, and if I was where they have been, I would be no different. Anecdotes and personal stories can be related for both sides of the argument. But still your story is your story and is unique. OP, my personal viewpoint and opinion of your situation is dependent on you. If you can start over with your husband and never cheat agin, then keep your secret. Put all of your energy into your marriage. But if you think down the road that this will affect your relationship with him in any way, then now would be the time to come clean and get it over with. Otherwise, you will keep thinking of the affair and wondering if he will find out. Personally, I would say keep the secret, but yet I hear a bit of "I want to tell him" in your words. No matter what we say, you will have to make the decision. As Ripples said, It is not a black and white case. Sorry, but this suggests deceit and secrecy in a marriage and it is not the foundation of a good relationship. I agree it's up to the person wheter they wish to tell or not, but keeping it is more selfish. Again, if you find out later that they never told you, you will walk around asking yourself things like "What else are they keeping from me?". Truth is a powerful tool.
JamesM Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Sorry, but this suggests deceit and secrecy in a marriage and it is not the foundation of a good relationship. I agree it's up to the person wheter they wish to tell or not, but keeping it is more selfish. Again, if you find out later that they never told you, you will walk around asking yourself things like "What else are they keeping from me?". Truth is a powerful tool. Darwin, Since you were on the receiving end of a breakup, and probably an affair, within the last few months, I can understand where you are coming from. If your ex had simply never told you of her possible affair and reconciled her love for you, would you be any the wiser today? You don't know. If my wife has had an affair and that is why she was sexually uninterested and I have never known, am I worse off today not knowing now that she has regained her sexual interest? Or would I be better off experiencing the hurt of knowing and ruining our family? And better, would my children's lives be better of if their parents had experienced the revelation of an affair and possible divorce? But my post doesn't indicate which would be right for HER. I can understand why you feel she should tell. I am imagining that you are feeling anger for that husband who right now has no idea that his loving wife cheated on him. And yes, I feel for him, too. But remember, his ignorance may very well be bliss. Deceit is not a good basis, but secrecy is not always bad. Since she has screwed up, does secrecy make it worse? Does a revelation make it all better? But a good point keeps getting brought up...what if he finds out at a later date? What will his reaction be? Will he be angier then versus if she tells him herself? I am trying to decide how I would feel. Does she have a better chance at reconciliation now versus then? I am not saying which she should do, but although telling the truth is very good, what would be the purpose here? Letting him know does what? Keeping a secret does what?
EnigmaXOXO Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 It's difficult to remain objective when sharing our personal views on any given situation. Empathy isn't always a bad thing, however skewed our perspectives are in one direction or another. Some people imagine that they would want to know. Some people imagine they would somehow already know. While others imagine they would rather not know anything at all. Even our poster has shown empathy and placed herself in another person's position by stating that: if she were in her husband's shoes, "she would want to know." I think the best course of action is to remain true to yourself; your own values and convictions (whatever they may be) … even during those times when it's not so easy or convenient to do so.
Djaba Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 I've just joined this site and, as I noted on another thread earlier today, I fairly recently found out about a lengthy affair my my wife had and am headed toward divorce. Just so you know where I'm coming from. This may not provide much comfort but I think you have to decide based on whether - in your judgment, without any rationalising - your husband would want to know. For me, I wanted to know. It meant the end of a 3+ year marriage that I treasured, to a woman to whom I was deeply devoted and with whom I was completely in love, but there is no question that I would have wanted to know. The affair obviously would have been damaging, but the marriage is over more because of the manipulation and dishonesty in how she told me, and the refusal to take appropriate responsibility and demonstrate appropriate contrition.
Rooster_DAR Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 I've just joined this site and, as I noted on another thread earlier today, I fairly recently found out about a lengthy affair my my wife had and am headed toward divorce. Just so you know where I'm coming from. This may not provide much comfort but I think you have to decide based on whether - in your judgment, without any rationalising - your husband would want to know. For me, I wanted to know. It meant the end of a 3+ year marriage that I treasured, to a woman to whom I was deeply devoted and with whom I was completely in love, but there is no question that I would have wanted to know. The affair obviously would have been damaging, but the marriage is over more because of the manipulation and dishonesty in how she told me, and the refusal to take appropriate responsibility and demonstrate appropriate contrition. Same thing here, my now EX said I was her true love and she would do anything to regain my trust (including breaking off her affair). Well, that "do anything" never transpired so I go fedup and told her I'm through. Cheers!
Confused 3 Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Ok, well, I'm the original poster, and all of you have been more than helpful. I've learned, thru this forum, that there are many different kinds of life, love and opinions. First of all, this was NOT about sex. Some of you have made comments about sex and unless you walk a mile in my shoes, I don't think you know what I mean by that. My husband is a better lover! The OM, whom I know and have worked with for several yrs, gave me something different. But that really doesn't matter because that is over and I'm trying to heal my marriage. Because I live in NY and he lives in NE, our relationship has always been long distance. I am thru with it tho as I feel I have thrown away a love (from my husband) that only most can dream of. What is wrong with me? He loves to cook for me (esp Salmon); he is always always always (did I say always?) available for sex - tells me how he thinks I'm beautiful, sexy - I could go on and on - He is physically and emotionally attractive. I feel like such a bad person. That is why I reached out to this forum. I have told absolutely nobody - which is about to drive me insane. I didn't tell him last night. I didn't tell him tonight. All because of my upcoming meetings, however, I will tell him next weekend. Either Fri or Sat night, at the beach. I will chk in as to how he reacts - if I can. I am so devastated. I deserve the worst. How, how in the world could I have let this happen? At least after I tell him, our marriage will be honest again no matter what the outcome. The OM doesn't even come close to competing w/ my husband so what is wrong with me?? And.... as many of you are probably thinking, my husband shouldn't have to worry about competing! This is my problem, not his... but by not telling him, I do feel like I'm disrespecting him. He will be devastated. I don't know how all of you believe, but I really do need for all of you to pray for me.
socialight Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 you wanted advice I will give you advice. Keep your damn mouth shut. You are a selfish piece of garbage for cheating on an honest man like you have, but if you keep your mouth shut, only you will have to deal with the guilt and pain of your weakness and selfishness. If you go and blab to him to ease your own guilt you will bring incredible pain and anguish onto your husband. You feel an urge, or a compulsion, to tell him the truth, to not "live a lie". Well guess what baby you are already living one. But the right thing to do is to make the best of this situation, which is put this behind you, focus on what a great man you have, and do nothing else to harm him or you relationship, and that includes "confessing" to ease your guilt.
Djaba Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 I both disagree with socialight's advice, and deeply disagree with his manner of presenting it. It reminds me why I've tended to avoid discussion forums. I feel like such a bad person. That is why I reached out to this forum. I have told absolutely nobody - which is about to drive me insane. I didn't tell him last night. I didn't tell him tonight. All because of my upcoming meetings, however, I will tell him next weekend. Either Fri or Sat night, at the beach. I will chk in as to how he reacts - if I can. I am so devastated. I deserve the worst. How, how in the world could I have let this happen? At least after I tell him, our marriage will be honest again no matter what the outcome. The OM doesn't even come close to competing w/ my husband so what is wrong with me?? And.... as many of you are probably thinking, my husband shouldn't have to worry about competing! This is my problem, not his... but by not telling him, I do feel like I'm disrespecting him. He will be devastated. I don't know how all of you believe, but I really do need for all of you to pray for me. I can understand why you feel that way, but honestly you don't seem like a bad person to me, and I think that should give you some comfort coming from me. You seem like a good person who has made a very serious mistake, knows it, and wants to make it right. If my wife had shown anything like the kind of remorse and contrition you seem to be feeling, my marriage might have been salvageable. But don't just feel it - tell him and show him that you are devastated, that you can't believe you did this, that you are terrified of losing him, that you will be sorry for the rest of your life for hurting him in this way. I don't want to be too harsh, but I hope your husband can find the strength to be absolutely furious with you rather than devastated, because I think that will be for him the healthiest place from which to re-examine your marriage and, hopefully, choose to remain in it. Again, please keep in mind that I've been recently, horribly burned, so take my comment with that in mind. I admire your desire to make it right, and wish you success.
socialight Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 djaba I could not disagree more strongly. Of what benefit is it to the husband to find out? This discussion is revolving around whether this woman should confide in her husband her own infidelity! For what purpose? To MAKE HER FEEL BETTER ABOUT HER OWN ACTIONS. She is punishing herself with guilt, and now she is so selfish she wants to unload that guilt by putting the pain and anguish onto her husband? Why make people hurt from the same crime? ! If she is truely sorry, truely contrite, she will quietly bare the burden of this for the rest of her life, and not bring this pain onto her family, and not do it again! Cheating is bad enough, but cheating and confessing when there is no need to is simply inexcusable!
Djaba Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 This discussion is revolving around whether this woman should confide in her husband her own infidelity! For what purpose? To MAKE HER FEEL BETTER ABOUT HER OWN ACTIONS. Alternatively, to give her husband information that he may wish to have, in order to make an informed choice about his own life. I do think it boils down to whether, in her judgment, he would want to know. Possibly you would not; I would.
LaughMachine Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 What he doesn't know won't hurt him right? Well actually no. What you don't tell him will hurt him even more. Even if you don't tell him about this affair. Which honestly I don't see how you could keep such a secret. My guilt and conscious would most defiently get the best of me. He has a right to know even if it hurts him. Everything might actually happen for a reason and his best reason would be to not stay with someone who did this. I'm not snapping at you or directing any hate towards you, but he desearves to do without instead of being with someone where there are lies and deciet involved. You chose this route to go on, you must continue with it instead of hiding from it. There are many disadvantages to telling him the truth. But there is more mental spiritually damage that can be done. Sorry if that doesn't make sense, but it sounds sensible to me. Obviously you feel bad about it and holding on to this would haunt you for the rest of your life. Get it out, tell him. Don't go through life like some pathetic people do and pretend nothing happend, when it did. Don't be like everyone else. Tell your dang old husband the truth and see what the outcome is.
Guest Posted December 3, 2006 Posted December 3, 2006 Confused wrote: "I can't believe I'm even posting this. I feel so alone. I am a career woman, married to a wonderful husband who loves me, has so much passion for me - just for me to cheat on him after 20 years with a man I've worked with for 5 years. The sexual part of this affair has gone on for 8 mths but the emotional affair has lasted almost 3.... Now it's over. He has children and lives a totally different life at home than he does on the road. We both know we can't be together because that would cause so much hurt for so many people, including children on both sides." So, an 8 month physical affair plus 3 month emotional affair. And at what point did you feel that you were doing wrong and realize it would cause so much hurt for so many people? You say it's over...and do you still work with this man? I both disagree with socialight's advice, and deeply disagree with his manner of presenting it. It reminds me why I've tended to avoid discussion forums. That is socialite's opinion...Why sugarcoat the truth? I don't think that "confused" needs to be coddled here. She is not the victim here, her husband is (just a reminder). I could see if this was an affair that happened accidentally and quickly (although I do not condone this either), and she felt bad about it. But this happened for almost a year (so she says)! And she works with this man. Is he still in the picture? Did She lie to her husband so she could maintain this affair? Did She do whatever she could do to cover-up tracks of the affair? Ripples wrote: No, don't tell him. Please, don't tell him. Nothing good whatsoever, will come out of it. The only reason for telling him is if you or your H wants your marriage to end. The only seeming 'benefit' of telling him is to relieve yourself of guilt, but that doesn't last, you will feel even more guilty when you see the wreckage you will create by telling. Besides, you really don't deserve to relieve yourself of the guilt. Do you? And what if her husband finds out from someone other that her? Does she leave her job to get away for the OM, to set things right? Ripples wrote: He has no right to know something that will devastate him and his life. Provided she never entertains the thought of doing it again and I believe her guilt will make sure of that. Please explain how that he has no right to know something that will devastate him and his life. (I think I would want to know) Will confession, as opposed to silence, be more of a guarantee that an affair will never happen again? (guilt is not really an indicator of future actions) I recall reading somewhere that most cheaters usually return to an affair to help reduce the feelings of guilt and to maintain that high they get from it. I take no sides in this debate, just need to know the reasoning behind some of the replies. I can only hope for some kind of positive resolution to "confused" predicament, and to hope that something has been learned from this experience so she will grow and become a better person.
Recommended Posts