Confused... Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 I can't believe I'm even posting this. I feel so alone. I am a career woman, married to a wonderful husband who loves me, has so much passion for me - just for me to cheat on him after 20 years with a man I've worked with for 5 years. The sexual part of this affair has gone on for 8 mths but the emotional affair has lasted almost 3.... Now it's over. He has children and lives a totally different life at home than he does on the road. We both know we can't be together because that would cause so much hurt for so many people, including children on both sides. I'm at the point where I feel I need to tell my husband. Should I? I just don't know. I'm so confused. I haven't told a soul. It would mean the destruction of my career, my family, my reputation. Yet, if my husband did this to me, I would want to know! I would have a right to know! I have never felt so alone... and confused. And to make matters worse, I really do love the man that I've been having the affair with.... But to be with him would cause too much pain for everyone. My husband is so good to me. He deserves so much better. I cannot believe I allowed this to happen.
Tony T Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 Keep your mouth shut if you want your marriage at all. Once you tell your husband, it's totally O-V-E-R! Now, if you want a divorce and you want to hurt the hell out of your husband...by all means give him all the details. I don't buy that you would want to know if your husband did such a thing to you. If he did, the knowledge would hit you like a ten ton brick and paralyze your entire being for decades. I know you wouldn't want to feel like that unless you have issues you aren't telling us about. What you did was wrong by many standards but why drag other people into it. If you want your marriage, forgive yourself and work on it. Hopefully, your affair gave you enough outside diversion to last a while. If you feel you just have to talk to somebody to get this off your chest, talk to a priest. Please spare your husband. If you want a divorce, ask him for one. But he's an innocent man and there's no need to make him an emotional victim of your own personal transgressions...and destroy your entire life as well.
Bryanp Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 I totally disagree with the above poster. Either you have a relationship based on honesty and respect or lies and deceit. You made the point if the roles were reversed you would want to know and I agree with that. Your husband has a right to know so he can decide if he wishes to work on recovery with you. In addition, by telling your husband you will show true remorse and the affair will end permanently. If you do not tell then the chances are good that the affair may start up again in the future. In addition, you husband may find out himself and that will surely end your marriage. You and your husband both need to be tested for STD's. These are the consequences of affairs. I am sure you would not have wanted your husband to be doing to you what you have been doing to him. At the very least he has right to know so he can decide what he wishes to do. Otherwise you are continuing to humiliate and disrespect him by not telling him the truth. Do the right thing and be honest with him. It the least you can do. I wish you luck.
Guest Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 I totally disagree with the above poster. Either you have a relationship based on honesty and respect or lies and deceit. You made the point if the roles were reversed you would want to know and I agree with that. Your husband has a right to know so he can decide if he wishes to work on recovery with you. In addition, by telling your husband you will show true remorse and the affair will end permanently. If you do not tell then the chances are good that the affair may start up again in the future. In addition, you husband may find out himself and that will surely end your marriage. You and your husband both need to be tested for STD's. These are the consequences of affairs. I am sure you would not have wanted your husband to be doing to you what you have been doing to him. At the very least he has right to know so he can decide what he wishes to do. Otherwise you are continuing to humiliate and disrespect him by not telling him the truth. Do the right thing and be honest with him. It the least you can do. I wish you luck. In some ways you are right - she should tell. But it almost seems that in your tone, you kind of make it like the affair is nothing - just a part of life -and the real tragedy would be to not share this with the husband. But in all you are probably right that she should fess up. And just to add some gravity to the point, if I were the husband I would probably immediately separate and divorce this woman who HAD a relationship based on "honesty and respect" but chose to satisfy her own selfish needs by violating a promise that she made, presumably on an altar in front of lot's of people (and God if you chose to believe), years ago. I don't wish her luck. (and as bitter and jaded as that sounds - I'm not. I'm not married, never have been, and have never cheated or been cheated on. Go figure.)
Still Confused Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 I don't know if I'm replying properly to this since I'm new in here and new to forums period, but thank you both for your replies. It is so strange to even have anyone replying to me about this considering that I haven't told a soul, so it helped, even though you both gave me opposite answers. I wish I knew what to do. Telling him... I can see distruction all around me - My kids, my marriage, my career, loss of respect from my family and friends for life, losing our home, losing our perfect credit, and I don't trust what my husband might even do to this other man. Yet not telling puts me in a position of a dishonest marriage. The 2nd poster was right about decreasing the chances of it happening again if I do tell him. Because when I am with this other man, it's as if the world doesn't even exist and he feels the same. We are both in high level mgt positions and have worked very closely for 5 years, however, we live in two different states. (far apart) That is how we have not gotten caught. I should add, that prior to this affair, there wasn't one thing my husband didn't know about me. Our marriage was complete honesty. I can't say one bad thing about my husband. He is so good to me - so why, why do I feel this way... Anyway, thank you for sharing your thoughts. You have no idea what an outlet this has been for me if only for a short time.
PoshPrincess Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 Keep your mouth shut if you want your marriage at all. Once you tell your husband, it's totally O-V-E-R! Now, if you want a divorce and you want to hurt the hell out of your husband...by all means give him all the details. I don't buy that you would want to know if your husband did such a thing to you. If he did, the knowledge would hit you like a ten ton brick and paralyze your entire being for decades. I know you wouldn't want to feel like that unless you have issues you aren't telling us about. What you did was wrong by many standards but why drag other people into it. If you want your marriage, forgive yourself and work on it. Hopefully, your affair gave you enough outside diversion to last a while. If you feel you just have to talk to somebody to get this off your chest, talk to a priest. Please spare your husband. If you want a divorce, ask him for one. But he's an innocent man and there's no need to make him an emotional victim of your own personal transgressions...and destroy your entire life as well. I agree. I really don't think there is anything to gain by coming clean (apart from to ease your own conscience of course). I have done it myself once, purely because I couldn't handle the guilt and thought that honesty was the best policy. I didn't believe I could live a R based on a lie. However, all I gained was hurting the man I truly loved at the time. Even if you DO want a divorce from your husband, knowing that you had an A would only add to his pain. I say keep it quiet. You say you love the OM but you cannot be together. There is obviously something wrong in your M for you to have such strong feelings for another man (even if it IS only the way you feel about H that's the probem) but do you think these are problems you could sort out, or at least would want to try to sort out? Think about MC but please DON'T confess!
Mustang Sally Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 It's my opinion (just one woman's opinion, so for what it's worth) that you should NOT tell. I suspect people who do tell are really doing it to relieve themselves of the guilt they are privately suffering with. I can't see how this is anything but self-serving. I don't think this helps your husband (or kids, for that matter) at all, except to maybe give him an out from the relationship. The hurt you will cause is unfair to him, in my opinion. I see your guilty suffering as a sort of "penance," if you will, for your affair. That's the price one pays. Maybe you can use this forum as an outlet for your feelings instead of your husband? Just a thought.
jmargel Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 I can't believe I'm even posting this. I feel so alone. I am a career woman, married to a wonderful husband who loves me, has so much passion for me - just for me to cheat on him after 20 years with a man I've worked with for 5 years. The sexual part of this affair has gone on for 8 mths but the emotional affair has lasted almost 3.... Now it's over. He has children and lives a totally different life at home than he does on the road. We both know we can't be together because that would cause so much hurt for so many people, including children on both sides. I'm at the point where I feel I need to tell my husband. Should I? I just don't know. I'm so confused. I haven't told a soul. It would mean the destruction of my career, my family, my reputation. Yet, if my husband did this to me, I would want to know! I would have a right to know! I have never felt so alone... and confused. And to make matters worse, I really do love the man that I've been having the affair with.... But to be with him would cause too much pain for everyone. My husband is so good to me. He deserves so much better. I cannot believe I allowed this to happen. Your husband has a right to find true happiness & love. Not co-exist with someone who just wants him for her own selfish reasons. You are not 'saving him from the pain' by not telling him. You are trying to save yourself. Right now, this affair is just a scratch on the surface. These thoughts will not leave you, until you do tell your husband. And BTW, it will come out eventually, as it did with my aunt.. Here's the story: Married for 30 years, had a daughter together, they lived a modest but happy lifestyle. 6 months before he died in front of her (heart attack) they fulfilled a dream together by going to ireland. He was her best friend, the love of her life.. so she thought.. Two weeks after he died she noticed a safe, she never knew existed. Didn't have the keys for it either. A locksmith was finally able to open it, and what she found inside devestated her. Pictures of him & his mistress. All the trips he took to NY to see his brother (they lived in NJ) he was actually going to see this other woman. She has no clue who this OW is and of course she can't ask him now. She has all these questions that will never be answered. On top of what was with the pictures were divorce papers signed by him. She never knew about this. They were never sent to the courthouse so she didn't know about them. She is left wondering now if he truly wanted to divorce her, or was he just doing it to lie to the OW that he was trying to get one but his wife wouldn't sign? Don't put your husband through a similar situation.. He will find out and it is YOUR responsibility to tell him. IMO you are still cheating on him until you come clean. If you can live with the guilt, the taintediness, the disrespect you are giving, and the total opposite of what love means.. Well, by then don't say a word. However you are disgracing your vows to the upteenth degree by not confessing.
Guest Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 I don't know if I'm replying properly to this since I'm new in here and new to forums period, but thank you both for your replies. It is so strange to even have anyone replying to me about this considering that I haven't told a soul, so it helped, even though you both gave me opposite answers. I wish I knew what to do. Telling him... I can see distruction all around me - My kids, my marriage, my career, loss of respect from my family and friends for life, losing our home, losing our perfect credit, and I don't trust what my husband might even do to this other man. Yet not telling puts me in a position of a dishonest marriage. The 2nd poster was right about decreasing the chances of it happening again if I do tell him. Because when I am with this other man, it's as if the world doesn't even exist and he feels the same. We are both in high level mgt positions and have worked very closely for 5 years, however, we live in two different states. (far apart) That is how we have not gotten caught. I should add, that prior to this affair, there wasn't one thing my husband didn't know about me. Our marriage was complete honesty. I can't say one bad thing about my husband. He is so good to me - so why, why do I feel this way... Anyway, thank you for sharing your thoughts. You have no idea what an outlet this has been for me if only for a short time. I think that the reason you feel this way about him is because he gives you something that your husband does not. I haven't had an affair on my husband, but feelings tend to lead to other things. I know that this probably isn't the best advice, but I wouldn't tell him. I think that if you do your life will be destroyed. I think in the back of your mind you think that if you get a divorce, you will be able to be with this man. It probably WON'T happen. Right now, there is a rush when you see eachother, clouding your judgment about him. If he were an honorable man, he wouldn't have pursued you. He would have kept some of his feelings to himself and backed off. The thing is, if you tell your husband, get your divorce and end up with him, would the end result still be the same? Except now neither one of you could trust one another since your relationship began when you were both married. I feel sorry for you. I know the feelings that you are feeling, even though my relationship was completely platonic. But the feelings were still there. Sex isn't really anything. It is the way that person makes you feel when you are around eachother, the newness of it all. But it does fade. I would find out what is missing in your marriage, pray really hard to have God open your heart, forgive yourself, and move on with the life that you chose with your husband. However, if there is no love between you and your husband, then leave. But make sure you think all of the conquences that will follow either way. Right the pros and cons on a sheet of paper and then come to terms with it. I hope that I helped! Shari
Sup Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 I can't believe I'm even posting this. I feel so alone. I am a career woman, married to a wonderful husband who loves me, has so much passion for me - just for me to cheat on him after 20 years with a man I've worked with for 5 years. The sexual part of this affair has gone on for 8 mths but the emotional affair has lasted almost 3.... Now it's over. He has children and lives a totally different life at home than he does on the road. We both know we can't be together because that would cause so much hurt for so many people, including children on both sides. I'm at the point where I feel I need to tell my husband. Should I? I just don't know. I'm so confused. I haven't told a soul. It would mean the destruction of my career, my family, my reputation. Yet, if my husband did this to me, I would want to know! I would have a right to know! I have never felt so alone... and confused. And to make matters worse, I really do love the man that I've been having the affair with.... But to be with him would cause too much pain for everyone. My husband is so good to me. He deserves so much better. I cannot believe I allowed this to happen. Then there's your answer, tell your husband, he DOES have a right to know, you made a decision about your marriage, now let him make a decision all his own. Stop wasting your husbands life!
reservoirdog1 Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 There are a number of problems with not coming clean with your H. One is that, if you don't, there's basically nothing to stop you from cheating again, except your own impulse control -- which clearly you can't rely on. Plus, the next time you meet somebody who turns your crank -- or you run into the OM again -- one of the competing thoughts in your mind will be "well, I'm either a cheater or I'm not... I already am... so how much worse will this be?" Another is that you're doing him a huge disservice and massive disrespect. He has the absolute right to make decisions about his life armed with all of the info. Unfortunately for you, one piece of that info is that his wife was willing to cheat on him for the last eight months. Finally, keep in mind the possibility that he will one day find out through other means -- whether it be weeks, months, or years. Maybe your conscience will get the best of you and you'll break down and tearfully confess. Or the OM will decide to tell him. Or somebody else who found out (and don't fool yourself -- chances are, there are other people who know) will tell him. Or your H finds email evidence you didn't erase. Bad news has legs, and spreads at a geometric rate. Just ask my cheating XW, the erstwhile queen of damage control. And when your H finds out, he will (rightly) feel that everything that happened in your marriage since you started cheating was a fraud. I'm sorry to say it, but there isn't a way out of this situation that won't cause you pain. Yes, you may lose your H. But he'll respect you more if you display enough strength of character to come through, rather than being found out or getting trapped into coming clean. And who knows, if you come clean he may just forgive you one day.
Rooster_DAR Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 If he ever does find out and you never told him, that is a much worse betrayal. You really need to consider coming clean so he can decide if he wishes to stay in the marriage or not. If he has to find out himself, the trust will definately never come back. Cheers!
Confused still... Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 I want to thank all of you for expressing your views and opinions here. You have absolutely no idea how much you've helped me - not that I deserve to be helped, or feel any relief. Please, please, keep giving me your thoughts as all of you may have actually changed my mind on how I might handle this. Considering that I haven't told one single friend or family member, this has been very good for me; even for those of you who have negative comments towards me... I will admit to those of you who have made the comments, I am a person that many would take great pleasure in knowing I've done this. I've been accused of being judgmental, "holier than thou", "miss perfect".... So many of my friends and family would take, well, not pleasure, but some sort of satisfaction to hear that I have fallen this hard... I would never live it down. Who knows... maybe I need to be humbled in front of all of those who hold me in such high regard; but as one of the posters stated here, my total agony over this is almost more pain than I can take.
silktricks Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 I'm sorry to say it, but there isn't a way out of this situation that won't cause you pain. Yes, you may lose your H. But he'll respect you more if you display enough strength of character to come through, rather than being found out or getting trapped into coming clean. And who knows, if you come clean he may just forgive you one day. And you will start to be able to respect yourself again as well. Your husband will be in agony over your deceit, and may choose to dissolve the marriage. The price you pay for your actions may be horribly high, but you will be able to look yourself in the mirror again and see someone who is honest - there's a lot to be said for that. Besides, your husband deserves the truth so he can make his own decisions. It's not fair for you to take the choice away from him and leave him in ignorance.
Sup Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 I can't believe I'm even posting this. I feel so alone. I am a career woman, married to a wonderful husband who loves me, has so much passion for me - just for me to cheat on him after 20 years with a man I've worked with for 5 years. The sexual part of this affair has gone on for 8 mths but the emotional affair has lasted almost 3.... Now it's over. He has children and lives a totally different life at home than he does on the road. We both know we can't be together because that would cause so much hurt for so many people, including children on both sides. I'm at the point where I feel I need to tell my husband. Should I? I just don't know. I'm so confused. I haven't told a soul. It would mean the destruction of my career, my family, my reputation. Yet, if my husband did this to me, I would want to know! I would have a right to know! I have never felt so alone... and confused. And to make matters worse, I really do love the man that I've been having the affair with.... But to be with him would cause too much pain for everyone. My husband is so good to me. He deserves so much better. I cannot believe I allowed this to happen. This may sound harsh, but, during those 8 Months, while you were riding OM (woman on top) and having great orgasms, didn't you once think during all of that how much this would hurt your husband? How he's at home taking care of house and children, and being faithful to you? What if you had gotten pregnant, I'm sure you didn't use condoms, B.C. Pills.
Guest Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 This may sound harsh, but, during those 8 Months, while you were riding OM (woman on top) and having great orgasms, didn't you once think during all of that how much this would hurt your husband? How he's at home taking care of house and children, and being faithful to you? What if you had gotten pregnant, I'm sure you didn't use condoms, B.C. Pills. That's ok, I deserve harsh. Yes, I did think about that. And believe it or not, my husband is better in bed than he is. Much better. This wasn't about sex. Yes, he was home taking care of the kids AND calling me to make sure I was ok telling me he would wait up for me if I wanted him too; then when I would crawl into bed, he would put his hand on my shoulder and say "love you babe, glad you are home". Your email almosts makes me change my mind about telling him. I have planned a w/e beach trip for next weekend (not this w/e) to tell him. I just don't know what to do. No chance of pregnancy. He was a married man with a vasectomy. Not that that makes this any more ok. I have two major management meetings next week where he will be flying in. I plan to let him know, by NOT being with him, that this is over for good. I just feel like life is over for me at this point. But that's really how I deserve to feel so no sympathy requested here...
Sal Paradise Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm trying to help you, so here goes... If you have any respect for your husband at all you will tell him. He has the right to know what kind of woman he is married to. Right now you have all the power, if you don't tell him you're abusing that power and using him. If you don't tell him you will cheat again (deep down you know this). If you truly love him and want to move past this you have no choice but to tell him. Do you want to live the rest of you life living a lie? That's what you would be doing. Everytime he looks in your eyes and says he loves you and you tell him how much you love him you would be lying. You can't fully love him while you're betraying him. Every second he is in the dark you're betraying him. You must relinquish the power you took when you cheated. You must put the power to end or continue the marriage into his hands. You must face the consequences of your actions. You must be the woman he deserves and the mother your children deserve. They (both your husband and children) deserve a woman who takes responsibility for her actions. Not a lying coward who hides behind excuses so she doesn't have to face the truth and the consequences for her mistakes. Imagine if one of your kids were in this situation, what if they were the person being cheated on. Wouldn't they have the right to know? Stop living the life of a lying coward. Grow up and take responsibility for the damage you have caused. Yes you have damaged your marriage. I'm sure your husband knows something is different or wrong even if he can't put it all together. Tell him before its too late. If you don't you're essentially saying that you don't respect or love your husband enough to be honest with him. There is no excuse to lie to your spouse under any circumstances. There is no excuse to hide infidielity under any circumstances. He has the right to know. Sure he will be upset (any one would) that is the price you pay for riding you coworker. You should of thought about that before you threw 20 years of marriage away for a few orgasms.
Ripples Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 No, don't tell him. Please, don't tell him. Nothing good whatsoever, will come out of it. The only reason for telling him is if you or your H wants your marriage to end. The only seeming 'benefit' of telling him is to relieve yourself of guilt, but that doesn't last, you will feel even more guilty when you see the wreckage you will create by telling. Besides, you really don't deserve to relieve yourself of the guilt. Do you? Instead, make every day from now on a day you dedicate to him and your marriage. Please come back and say you and your husband had a wonderful weekend.
Ripples Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm trying to help you, so here goes... If you have any respect for your husband at all you will tell him. He has the right to know what kind of woman he is married to. Right now you have all the power, if you don't tell him you're abusing that power and using him. If you don't tell him you will cheat again (deep down you know this). You don't know this. And neither does she. If you truly love him and want to move past this you have no choice but to tell him. Do you want to live the rest of you life living a lie? That's what you would be doing. Everytime he looks in your eyes and says he loves you and you tell him how much you love him you would be lying. You can't fully love him while you're betraying him. Every second he is in the dark you're betraying him. No, she wouldn't be betraying him by not telling him. Purleaze! The betrayal would only come if she didn't do her utmost to make every day from now on as perfect as she can for her marriage. You must relinquish the power you took when you cheated. You must put the power to end or continue the marriage into his hands. You must face the consequences of your actions. You must be the woman he deserves and the mother your children deserve. They (both your husband and children) deserve a woman who takes responsibility for her actions. Not a lying coward who hides behind excuses so she doesn't have to face the truth and the consequences for her mistakes. Imagine if one of your kids were in this situation, what if they were the person being cheated on. Wouldn't they have the right to know?No, what counts is not the telling, its the making up, the putting right. You don't need to break someone down as much as she would do, if she told her H, to put things right. Stop living the life of a lying coward. Grow up and take responsibility for the damage you have caused. Yes you have damaged your marriage. I'm sure your husband knows something is different or wrong even if he can't put it all together. Tell him before its too late. If you don't you're essentially saying that you don't respect or love your husband enough to be honest with him. There is no excuse to lie to your spouse under any circumstances. There is no excuse to hide infidielity under any circumstances. He has the right to know. Sure he will be upset (any one would) that is the price you pay for riding you coworker. You should of thought about that before you threw 20 years of marriage away for a few orgasms. She is not a coward, she is not living the life of a lying coward. She has finished the affair, she wants to love her husband, she wants her marriage to work. All you seem to be doing is projecting your own betrayal onto her and her husband. Neither of them need that. He has no right to know something that will devaste him and his life. Provided she never entertains the thought of doing it again and I believe her guilt will make sure of that.
Guest Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 He has no right to know something that will devaste him and his life. The life he is living right now is nothing but a LIE. Learning the truth is painful but at least he wouldn't be living in a bubble anymore. He has every right to decide if he wants to remain with a woman that would do this to him. She hasn't broken off things with the OM yet, is in love with OM, and from the tone of her posts is likely only staying with her husband because she knows this new relationship isn't going to go anywhere and she enjoys her comfy lifestyle. Doesn't he deserve to know he's merely second place in his wife's mind and she's in love with another? That this is how little his wife really thinks of him? I would want to know too so I could cut my losses and find someone who loved me back.
Sal Paradise Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 You don't know this. And neither does she. Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it. To move on, keep it a secret and never tell her husband is to ignore it. It's denial of her actions. It's as simple as that. Lying about infidelity is a black and white issue. There is right (telling her husband) and there is wrong (not telling him). The betrayal would only come if she didn't do her utmost to make every day from now on as perfect as she can for her marriage. She can't do the "utmost" to make every day from here out perfect if she is lying to him. Not telling him is lying to him. There is no way around that fact. She can't be a good wife while she is lying. Honesty and remaining faithful are the most important parts of a marriage. She is not a coward, she is not living the life of a lying coward. "A lie is a statement made by someone who believes or suspects it to be false, in the expectation that the hearers may believe it. Thus a true statement may be a lie if the speaker thinks it is false. Fictions, though false, are not lies. Depending on definitions, a lie can be a genuine falsehood or a selective truth, a lie by omission, or even the truth if the intention is to deceive or to cause an action not in the listener's interests. To lie is to tell a lie. ." -- definition of "lie" Not telling him is a lie by omission is it not? She will be living with her husband whom she is lying to for the rest of her. I'm sorry but that is living a lie. "a person who shows fear or timidity" definition of "coward" "refusal to confront a reasonable degree of fear or anxiety. Since fears and anxieties are extremely subjective (relative to experience, circumstance, stress and modulated by anxiety disorders) the qualifier of "reasonable degree" is highly individualized and very important. Compare with courage." definition of "cowardice Is she not choosing to keep this a secret because she fears the consequences of telling? Fear of the pain it will cause him. Fear of him wanting a divorce. Fear of the humiliation it will cause her husband and herself. Those who let fear prevent them from doing what they know to be right are cowards. All you seem to be doing is projecting your own betrayal onto her and her husband. I'm not projecting anything. You don't have to project to know that cheating and lying to someone you claim to love and respect is wrong. One doesn't have to project to know that facing the consequences of your actions is what responsible adults do. One doesn't have to project to know the difference between right and wrong. He has no right to know something that will devaste him and his life. His wife slept with another man and he has no right to know? Are you out of your mind? She put him at risk for STD's and he has no right to know? He doesn't have the right to know about something that will devastate his life? What if she finds out he is dying of cancer in your twisted world would he have the right to know that? It would be such a tragedy if he knew what was going on in his life.... He has every right to know that his wife put his health and heart at risk and is capable of doing it again (if she did it once she is capable of doing it again). That she was willing to sacrifice their 20 year marriage because she is selfish. He has every right to decide whether he wants to continue this marriage or not. She has no right to waste his life. He may not want to live his life with a woman who cheated on him. He has the right to decide whether or not he wants to. We only get one shot at this thing called life. He should have the choice to decide whether or not to stay with someone who has betrayed their marriage vows. He should have the choice to find someone who can keep those vows should he choose to leave her. It's his life and that alone gives him every right to know that his wife of 20 years cheated on him. Telling him is the only option for someone who claims to adore, love and respect her husband.
Ripples Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 I feel that this situation is not as black and white as you are portraying it.
hardrock Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Sorry, but the people on here telling you not to tell him are just weak minded, selfish individuals. Maybe they have done bad things to their SO so many times they feel more than comfortable keeping a charade. The emotional trauma sustained during this affair won't go away without healing. You can't heal without healing your husband. You can't heal your husband unless he knows. You don't have to tell everyone, just the person that matters most. I definitely wouldn't schedule a beach trip to tell him that his wife has been adulterous. I would walk in the house tonight, sit him down, and get it done. You will be surprised at how a remorseful wife, loving children, and a genuine effort to repair the marriage will sway his thoughts.
stillafool Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 This is a hard one. I think you should not tell him. I think you want to ease your guilty conscience and make yourself feel better. Right now you feel horrible because the guilt is eating you alive as guilt does. If you have really learned your lesson then confess it to God and promise that you will never violate your marriage again. If this is not your first affair and you know with temptation you are likely to do it again then tell your husband - he certainly deserves better.
EnigmaXOXO Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Yet, if my husband did this to me, I would want to know! I would have a right to know! This statement says much more than anything else. Maybe you should focus a little bit more on this fundamental belief rather than the fear of any imagined consequence you may or may not face. Honesty is the most basic expression of respect that you can give to another human being. Regardless of how you feel towards them. Even in the worst of situations, the "truth" can go a long way in helping to salvage just a little bit of that dignity the other person might otherwise lose if they discover (by some other means) that you have not been completely fair with your treatment of them. It restores equal leverage between two partners in a relationship, and affords each person their basic right to make their own informed choices without unfairly (and/or deliberately) shifting the control over another person's life in your own favor. The selfless act of gifting another with the "truth" can be a really scary prospect when you're in "survival mode" and concerned about the sacrifices you might have to make; or the consequences you could possibly face. It can also be difficult to be honest with others unless you've finally reached a place where you are able to be honest with yourself. But unless we learn to treat our partner's with the same basic respect and consideration that we expect in return … that relationship is doomed to dye a slow death anyway. You're simply plugging holes in a sinking ship. Whatever you decide, I hope you and your husband find a way to work through this.
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