needed to boost morale.

[Ukwizard]

Hey folks. Feeling a bit down. I need some help here. I m going out of my mind too you know.I ve been out on this site giving advice. Could do with some too. I have weaknesses too you know. I m human after all.

 

I ve had thoughts of anger, and hatred towards my ex. The way she has treated me. I sometimes just want to confront her on all the rubbish that`s happened in the last few months. I have thoughts of turning up on her doorstep. She chose to dump me after talking to her friends behind my back. She chose to speak to other people on the internet other than me. Lied that there was no one else, and proceeds to tell me that there was someone, but nothing happened!

 

She lives 47 miles away. I`ve been inclined to go there to her doorstep to tell her how I feel, and the way she has treated me , as nothing more than a doormat. I wanted to take a print of all the things she said about me to the other people on the net. How do I know? Well, I managed to guess her password for her emails? How? I don`t know. It was one drunken night. I managed to guess her password. I wasnt getting any answers from her, so I decided enough was enough. She`s a fence sitter, and she sits so far up the fence. She`s got splinters up her bum lol.

 

I ve dated my ex for 7 months. She really showed me what love was all about. I m new to the dating scene, and did everything wrong. I wasnt there when she needed me, etc etc. She`s a needy person. I didnt think she was at first until we split up. There was non-communication from her side.

 

Shes dated 6 other men including me in the last 18 months. I m really down in the sense that if she was so unhappy, then why didn`t she talk to me about it? It turns out she tells me to "go and date other people, and then come back to me", she also said, "if something else comes along I ll take it", and that I "should see whats out there".

 

I know for a fact that after she left me, she date dated another man for 5 months, and because she laughed at him wearing some sort of swimming costume. They had an argument, and left him.

 

What is she looking for? She had been married for 10 years, and has 2 children. Why does a woman jump from relationship to relationship. I told her to have some self respect, but she continues to go, and date so many men. Why? Why do women do this?

 

After her separation, and dating other men. I was the 3rd!! Will she ever stop, and think that I was the longest at 7 months. She doesnt talk to me now. How can I get her back? Please don`t tell me to find someone else because I m not that much of an attractive guy. I ve dated 2 other girls but they weren`t for me. I don`t have many dates but just want my ex back.

[Guest]

im so so sorry bro. sounds like she is unhappy with her self and insucure honestly. i dont know man, i want my ex back also and im just as lost. all i can say is if u feel ur unattractive thats ur broblem!! women pick up on that kind of stuff, have confidence and believe teir the lucky ones not u. if u work on urself then she or the real love of ur life will notice a difference. good luck man

[D-Lish]

Okay, just take a deep breath.

 

Why do people date around after a divorce? Usually because the pain and suffering of that relationship has done a number on them. It happened to me. I was married, with the person for 7 years and it fell apart. So did my world and everything I believed in after that. It took a while to open up my heart again after that. I dated a whole lot after that, and everytime I began to get really close to someone, I would begin to sabotage, then move to the next.

 

Why? Because of a whole host of reasons. It does a number on your self esteem and confidence, it makes you question your own worth and what you have to offer, you feel like a failure. It makes you distrustful of love when it comes down to it. And you just don't want to put yourself in a position of reliving that heartbreak again. So what you end up doing is walking away from a relationship when it begins to get serious.

 

Sometimes people work through that pain and are able to love again. But, some are just not able to find the emotional tools necessary to do this. I don't know how long it has been since your ex split with her husband- but it took me a good three solid years before I was ready to make a real committment again. It's quite possible your ex might be a lifelong committment-phobe.

 

Would I go to her doorstep and tell her how you feel? No. It won't do any good. I know you would give the same advice if the situations were reversed.

 

This is HER issue, and you are internalizing it as your own. The fact that she goes from relationship to relationship without any concern for the men she hurts is indicative of a flawed character- regardless of the deep seeded reasons for this. You can't change this in her.

 

It's natural to want her to share some of the pain you've been feeling- to want to punish her with insults and anger. But she won't listen, and it won't get through to her. People are naturally wired to deflect the blame in order to justify their own crappy actions. You can go to her and say "You're a sh***y person for what you've done"... but she'll turn that around in her mind as you being a psycho-ex.

 

It's obvious she wasn't "the one" for you. And no matter how much you don't want to hear it- there is someone waiting out there who will treat you with more respect and give you the love you're worthy of.

There really is. You'll see that when you're ready.

D

[BannaBee57]

Wow, awsome advice D-LISH!!

 

I really feel for you UK. You've been a great help to me and I really admire how you tell people straight up how you feel about things. I can tell that you are a romantic hopeful at heart...this is probably your tragic downfall. Don't lose it though because one day it will make some woman very happy

 

I think your ex is very unhappy with herself. She's probably in a lot of emotional pain, so she is looking for someone else to make her happy again and you couldn't do that for her so she moved on. The problem is that no one will be able to make her happy. Only she can do that. So don't beat yourself up over it. Unfortunaly, she will continue to move from man to man and maybe one day she will find happiness, but this is not any of your concern. What you need to be concerned about is your own happiness.

 

What you need to do is really try to stop worrying about what she's up to and who she's dating now. I know it's hard but you have to work on emotionally distancing yourself from her. If you haven't done so already, stop looking at her e-mails. This will be a big step in the right direction. Once you stop being preoccupied with who she's talking to and what she's up to the easier you will be able to stop thinking about all the "why's". Think of all the pain the e-mail reading has caused you so far. You don't deserve it!

 

Like D-lish said, confronting her won't do any good. She won't feel bad and it won't bring her back at this point. I know you want her back because she was your first love and all, but I just don't think it's in the cards . If someone ever told me to "date other people and then come back to me" I would know it wasn't for real. If she really wanted you she wouldn't let you go...she would be scared of losing you to someone that will really appreciate you. I mean, how long have you been broken up for? Has she given you any hint that she might come back? I know it's just so hard to accept though

 

I know I didn't offer you any advice on how to get her back. I just hope that at some point you will get fed up with pining after this woman and be able to fully open yourself up to other options that await you. I hope this happens for me too.

 

Please continue to post here and turn on your PM's so we can chat more if you want!

[silentalways]

and so could she

 

it isn't complicated

 

its isn't about life and death

 

just a return to kindness, respect and caring

 

i am not expecting a reconnection

 

just a chance to show how wonderful she is

 

and that can be done in many ways

 

i believe that if i hear from this person

 

i will go for a two week stay in a healing environment

 

as if! lol

 

oh well

 

big love everyone

[Ukwizard]

Hi D-Lish,

 

I really admire your intergrity.

 

Why do people date around after a divorce? Usually because the pain and suffering of that relationship has done a number on them. It happened to me. I was married, with the person for 7 years and it fell apart. So did my world and everything I believed in after that. It took a while to open up my heart again after that. I dated a whole lot after that, and everytime I began to get really close to someone, I would begin to sabotage, then move to the next.

I have to agree with you here. I know I wasn`t the best romantic person in the world. I guess we didnt talk to each other what we wanted in our time together. I was extremely shy, and when I used to get romantic with girls. They would run a mile! I guess thats why I wasn`t being cheesely romantic.

 

To answer you question,

 

I don't know how long it has been since your ex split with her husband

My ex split up with her husband more than 18 months ago. I did feel a little unsettled when I emailed her on the dating site, where we met, and she told me she just came out of a relationship!! I was hoping not to be the rebound guy.

 

This is HER issue, and you are internalizing it as your own. The fact that she goes from relationship to relationship without any concern for the men she hurts is indicative of a flawed character- regardless of the deep seeded reasons for this. You can't change this in her.

My word, D-Lish. Your actually the first person to even mention this to me. Thank you - for pointing that out. For the last 9 months, I went a bit crazy. I had to see a doctor, and a phychiatrist to help me through a bad depression period. I m out of it now, but your reply has finally made me feel better abot myself, and made me see things in a different light. I feel, I m not the one to blame anymore.

 

you can go to her and say "You're a sh***y person for what you've done"... but she'll turn that around in her mind as you being a psycho-ex.

You`re right again! Do you know, one day I drove down the road where she lives. Remember she lives 47 miles away. I was dating another girl in the next town (not dating anymore), and I drove past her. She saw me coming the other way, and I know she told one of her ex boyfriends that I was a stalker!

 

I m beginning to think that maybe all these evil thoughts, and turning up at her door isn`t the best idea after all.

 

I m wondering what her friends think of her? Have you ever been in this position D-Lish, and has any of your friends made talked about this to you? How did it affect you?

 

P.S Will reply later to other messages.

[Ssheena]

Hey UK..

 

You are doing fine. I get really pissed at my x to and want to just tell him off and even after years I still get mad at my x husband. I used to have dreams where I would be hitting him, cutting up his girlfriends clothes and just being violent to no end. Now, what helps me is to write it down. I have a journal and I just write in it. I can write down my x was mediocre at best in bed, he was dirt poor and had no motivation, he was and is a mooch, an emotional vampire etc, etc... and reread it and reread it and get mad on paper.

 

It's not easy. I was very depressed at one time over this same guy - couldn't stop crying, was having shakes and teeth were chattering even though I wasn't cold, it was bad. I used to go to work and just tell myself to get through the day.

 

I had to learn and accept and I still don't somedays, that I'm a very likeable person. My friends like and accept me just the way I am. My parents weren't very/arent very good parents as far as caring for me and I've had to do so much on my own that that gives me strength.

 

You obviously are thoughtful and considerate as seen in the advice and caring you communicate to others here. I'm sure you have many other good qualitites. Please don't let one bad experience bum you out too much.

It must have been good for awhile and I'm sure you learned some good lessons.

 

I believe that being honest with the other person about what you want and feel and setting boundries (ie, I'm not going to go out with you unless I am the only person you are seeing, I'm not going to tolerate being lied to, I deserve to be treated with respect) you will save yourself some heartache.

 

I want you to really think about yourself and think how strong you have been and how you went to get help and how you are taking care of yourself and working on yourself. See if you can acknowledge something about yourself to be proud of. You deserve to feel proud about how you are handling things!

 

You are doing great!

 

Big HUG!

[dr strangelove]

I think your on stage 4 or 5, Uk.

[D-Lish]

I guess the bottom line is that all my friends were very supportive following my divorce. I had a close friend go through a long term break up at the same time.... so we clung together and supported one another.

 

I didn't actually date one guy after the other- I just went out a lot, dated people without getting too serious, then moved on when I felt it was getting too much to handle. I know I hurt people along the way, but I was always up front about where my head was at.

 

Karma's a bitch though. When I did feel ready to settle down, I fell in love with someone who had commitment issues, and he broke my heart....again.

 

You're going to get through this. When my ex broke up with me, I internalized all the blame and walked around with the guilt and weight of the break up on my shoulders. I'm only now beginning to realize that I am not to blame 100% for everything. That just because HE didn't like me, doesn't mean that I'm not likeable.

 

18 months isn't a long time to deal with a failed marriage. I suspect she'll go on with her behaviour for a while yet. I'm glad you're realizing that nothing you could have done would have changed anything. You simply got caught up with the wrong person, at the wrong time.

 

You're going to be okay, the sooner you adopt the attitude that it's not you, it's her... the sooner you'll feel better.

 

D

[Eric102]

UK I read your story,

 

Man that is exactly what my exgf told me over and over. It gets annoying best thing to do is not think about her so much. Trust me sometimes i feel overwhelmed so i go drink with friends. Just to lighten everything, and trust me it is not about looks. Just about having confidence, we lose it when we think we are in love. I'm still confused about mine and its been 1 or 2 months not sure. But you get the point, they all turn around but it sounds like she is going through her life. She doesn't want to care about anyone. Best thing to do with girls like that is give them a breather, then they start coming around when they have destroyed their relationships. It takes a patience of a Saint

[Ukwizard]

Wow!

 

Thank you, thank you, and thank you again. I have to say that 3 times because the people who have answered my thread have been very supportive. Excellent advice from D-lish who`s been in the same scenario.

 

I m not always on the net nowadays. I m getting on with life. I ve dated 2 other girls since my ex left me. It didnt work out with both girls.

 

I`ve been busy catching up with gossip with all my friends, and have been with them because they make me happy. I mean, I actually thought to myself one day. Why do I want to be with someone who doesnt want me anyway?

 

In response to Banna`s reply,

 

I think your ex is very unhappy with herself. She's probably in a lot of emotional pain, so she is looking for someone else to make her happy again and you couldn't do that for her so she moved on. The problem is that no one will be able to make her happy. Only she can do that. So don't beat yourself up over it. Unfortunaly, she will continue to move from man to man and maybe one day she will find happiness, but this is not any of your concern. What you need to be concerned about is your own happiness.

Yeah, I agree with you. I learned she can do what ever she wants, but a part of me still cares for her very much. I don`t want to see her go through all the emotional pain to look for happiness. It hurts when I see someone I care for go through all this turmoil.

 

What you need to do is really try to stop worrying about what she's up to and who she's dating now. I know it's hard but you have to work on emotionally distancing yourself from her. If you haven't done so already, stop looking at her e-mails. This will be a big step in the right direction. Once you stop being preoccupied with who she's talking to and what she's up to the easier you will be able to stop thinking about all the "why's". Think of all the pain the e-mail reading has caused you so far. You don't deserve it!

I ve distanced myself some what. Sometimes during the day, I dont think about her at all. Going back months before. I felt really bad. I kept on thinking about her all the time. I felt so bad, I had to see my doctor, and he referred me to a pychiatrist.

 

Like D-lish said, confronting her won't do any good. She won't feel bad and it won't bring her back at this point. I know you want her back because she was your first love and all, but I just don't think it's in the cards . If someone ever told me to "date other people and then come back to me" I would know it wasn't for real.

Talking about it has made me realise that maybe I wasnt the one for her. What I do know is my ex cannot communicate.

 

I guess your right here. If I do, I d also become the `pyscho` boyfriend who won`t let things go. I have to be in control.

 

When I wasn`t getting answers, I posted a fake profile on the dating site where we met. Surprisingly, I made contact with her, and she replied back. Its amazing how she would tell strangers she just met things about me that she would never talk to me about. Things like, I was immature, and that how we weren`t that close,a nd other stuff.

 

When my ex dumped me by email. There was nothing in it to show what had caused any kind of reason for her to leave. She did mention the `its not you, it me`, line, and the `I`m not right for you just now`, or how about the `we don`t communicate like normal couples do`.

 

I look back now and laugh at that line. You know the `we don`t talk`. It wasnt until after she dumped me, and about 3 months later she told me what went wrong. So it wasnt me after all who couldnt communicate. man, I beat myself up over, and over. I actually think its mostly to do with her. Wait in fact. Why date so many people. It isnt me after all. Its her!