Cake eater

[forbidden fruit]

Can someone give me some consistent characterisitics of a MM cake eater. Just wondering I think my MM fits the profile to a tee.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Google the word 'cakeman' and 'Roger A. Rhoades' you'll find an interesting article about cakemen.

[BurntInNJ]

Can someone give me some consistent characterisitics of a MM cake eater. Just wondering I think my MM fits the profile to a tee.

 

All MM are cake eaters!

[Meaplus3]

Google the word 'cakeman' and 'Roger A. Rhoades' you'll find an interesting article about cakemen.

 

After reading this thread I checked out this article and boy does it sound like the MM that I got involved with, infact I am now in therapy because of the effect that our Emotional Affair had on me. My Therapist used the word cakeman many times. I know I was wrong as a MW to turn to another MM for my emotion's while very unhappy in my marriage, but I never ever really estimated the MAJOR hurt that can come from this.

 

I Told my husband about my affair a couple of weeks ago because I could NO longer hide the crying, the pain and hurt. Last time I spoke to MM he told me the only reason he kept seeing me and talking to me was because he was afraid I was going to tell his wife! Is that just down right cruel or what? He also said that 90% of our A was in my head! I was completely thrown by this CAKE EATERS comments! I asked him if he think's he has cheated he say's NO?? I said then what would you tell your wife? His reply "I would tell her that I told you to work on your marriage" This MM is truely a class act!!

 

Now My H is hurt, and I can't stand MM. Would I have an A again NEVER. Sorry to vent. Thank's for the article. To forbbin Fruit, if you feel he's a cakeman than he probably is.

 

 

AP:(

[Guest]

Cheating on your husband was not the wisest of choices.

 

Involving yourself with a selfish prick such as a cakeman is punishment enough.

 

The best way to get back at him is to find a way to heal yourself and move on. Simply put forth all your energy unto becoming a secure happy woman. Learn from your mistakes it will only make you stronger and wiser.

 

Last but not least, tell his wife, she needs to know and he needs a taste of his own medicine.

 

Best of luck.

[Meaplus3]

Cheating on your husband was not the wisest of choices.

 

Involving yourself with a selfish prick such as a cakeman is punishment enough.

 

The best way to get back at him is to find a way to heal yourself and move on. Simply put forth all your energy unto becoming a secure happy woman. Learn from your mistakes it will only make you stronger and wiser.

 

Last but not least, tell his wife, she needs to know and he needs a taste of his own medicine.

 

Best of luck.

 

Guest, Thank you! I agree his wife need's to know. It seems like this man get's away with this all the time, MR. Enrico SWavvvey type.

 

I was secure before him! Was I happy with my marriage NO, but with myself yes for the first time , that's why

I was ready to move on and forward and I just got burned by a womanizing JERK.

 

AP

[Trialbyfire]

Here's the article that LB referred to about Cakeman. Classic.

 

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/hisissues/a/mencakeman.htm

[forbidden fruit]

The last time I intiated NC was because I could take the pain anymore. I am married also and we live very close to each other and to make matters worse our kids are friends and we used to be best friends. So all of the guilt, emotions got the best of me. I had an emotional breakdown and cried to him for the first time. He was upset too, and said he was so in love with me. Not the first time we have said this to each other. Here is where the cake eating comes into play. He always says I will call you, but never calls unless it is close to the time he wants to have sex or when I intiitate NC which is about everyday the NC part. So here I am crying and he is trying to kiss me and then his wife pulls up in there car to leave for the holiday. He says once again I will call or you call me. Well that was 6 DAYS ago and I know he will come back from work tomorrow like nothing happened. I am not sure how to act I want to end the games, but I don't want him to think he has gotten the best of me. I don't want him to think he can have his cake and eat it too!!

[erika2610]

I get all excited when I see the word "cake" in the title. Anyway.. I see TrialByFire linked it.. but here's the whole article.

 

http://gloryb.com/articles/cakeman.html

 

Cakeman

Dr. Roger A. Rhoades

There is no telling how many men at any given time are cheating on their wives. To get an accurate reading would be almost impossible. You would have to ask men about something that they normally lie about and then expect them to tell the truth.

 

Probably the best way to get an accurate reading is to ask men how many of them feel they have been driven to an affair by their wives. I am sure men would be more than glad to own up to being a victim of circumstance and not having been the bad guy in the situation.

 

As long as men keep looking to blame someone or something for their infidelity, women will be lost on how to change their cheating ways.

 

It is hard to say how many men get into a marriage for all the wrong reasons.

 

They want to have someone to have their babies.

They want to fit in with other people in their social circle.

They want to have someone to be at home with them, now that they no longer live with their parents.

They want someone to take the place of their mothers and baby them.

No matter what the reason, some men do not get in a marriage to be faithful. These men see their wives as the next step on the ladder of adulthood. They have become unable or unwilling to keep up the pace of single life, but do not want to give up the thrill of the chase.

 

These men are what I call Cakemen.

 

 

Cakemen are men who want to have their cake and eat it too. These men do not leave their wives. These men stay with their wives and date someone else at the same time.

They like the fact that they can have someone stable at home, taking care of business, while they continue to play single guy with other women.

 

They have no real desire to leave their wives and move on to someone else, unless their activities are discovered.

 

If they are discovered, many of these Cakemen dump the girlfriend and stay with the wife, only to go back to cheating once the dust has settled.

 

In a man's way of thinking, staying with his wife makes all the sense in the world.

 

If he leaves his wife, then they will have to split up their possessions as well as their bills. In many times it takes a man several years to recover from this.

 

On the other hand, if he keeps the wife, he gets to keep his lifestyle going with only a minor glitch. The minor glitch is that he will have to act like he is real sorry, dump the old girlfriend, wait awhile, and then go back out and find a new girlfriend.

 

One of the major reasons men become Cakemen is because they do not want to grow up. It takes a mature adult to handle the day to day responsibilities of a monogamous relationship.

 

When a man has to see a women everyday and negotiate bills, affection, cooking, cleaning, shopping, and personal undesirable behavior, he longs for a simpler way of living. He wants to be a grown up, but somewhere in his soul he wants all the benefits and none of the responsibility.

 

Having a woman on the side allows him to play two different roles at the same time. In his mind the pressures of married life can be released by having a sexual relationship with someone else.

 

In his marriage he can play responsible man and co-decision maker, while in his affair, he can call all the shots and be the lord of the relationship.

 

The second major reason a man becomes a Cakeman is to keep the feeling of being a player.

 

When a man gets married, many times he sees himself as being caught or conquered. It is now time for him to go out to pasture and be used as a stud service.

 

In his eyes, he is slowly, but surely becoming his dad. His days of being a major competitor are over. It is easy to see how this type of thinking would make a man feel old before his time.

 

One of the easiest and most available ways to feel young and in the game is to get into an affair. Now he is desirable. Now he is a man's man.

 

He is now feeling young and, even though his conscience might be bothering him, the thrill of being a player certainly outweighs those negative thoughts.

 

The final reason that men cheat on their wives, but don't leave them, is that it is a safety net.

 

Very few men get excited about a full blown gamble. They want to believe that they at least have a 50/50 chance of winning. If there is any way to stack the cards in their favor, they are going to do it.

 

This is the thinking behind having a wife and a girlfriend. If for some reason a man's wife is unwilling to be affectionate when and how he wants, then he has his girlfriend to take up the slack.

 

If a man wants to be the center of attention and the mister know-it-all, but his wife deflates his ego, then he can go to his girlfriend for a good dose of hero worshipping.

 

It is not just the wife who gets the short end of the stick, the girlfriend also suffers. At some time, most girlfriends who have heard a man say he hates his wife will entertain the subject of divorce or even marriage.

 

When a Cakeman is confronted with this issue, he is able to make excuses and fall back into a dilemma of commitment or what is the "right" thing to do. This position successfully keeps the girlfriend at bay for fear that she might lose him.

 

The sad part of all this behavior is that seldom if ever does everyone come out on top. Usually one or more people suffer deep, long lasting wounds from this type of situation.

 

Some women are unable or unwilling to trust another man after being with a Cakeman.

 

These men also suffer from this type of behavior. They never really grow up and take their place in a responsible society. They fill their lives with lies and deceit, which in the long run affect their coping skills and their performance on a job.

 

Women are putting their lives on hold in hopes that their Cakeman will finally leave their wife and make them the center of their lives.

 

Finally, if children are involved, the destruction is unbelievable. Counseling offices are filled with children who either caught their father with another woman or had to live in a family where lying was the major form of communication.

 

The best advise is to play your life honestly. If a relationship is over, then bury it. If you are in a marriage and have met someone else, think before you act.

 

The emotional stability you save might be your own!

[Adunaphel]

This was a very good article. Scary, in a way.

 

Was it actually written by a man? Wow.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

WOW, my question is, are there any men, of the living breathing variety, out there who are NOT cakemen. Would have been on my merry way a while ago if I believed they existed.

[GreenEyedLady]

WOW, my question is, are there any men, of the living breathing variety, out there who are NOT cakemen. Would have been on my merry way a while ago if I believed they existed.

 

I think that this true of women as well...maybe not in reference to sex, but to other things...

 

The term just kind of makes me feel like it is a bandaid...we label something we don't understand or don't like...but in the end I think it's a matter of taking responsiblity for our choices...the OW makes a choice to remain with a MM...the BS at some point chooses to take back a man who is a cheater (or leave, if that's the case)...the MM chooses to hurt two people...

 

Do we really need a term to describe someone we love(d) because we want to blame something other than ourselves and our own choices?

 

I don't know, maybe I am off-base here...

[herenow]

Any man that is married, stays married and has an affair is a cakeman. If he wasn't a cakeman, he would leave his so called unhappy marriage and become a single dating guy.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Herenow, are you sure you're not saying that just to avoid taking responsibility for the decisions he made - (ok, excuse the sarcasm). A crook is a crook even if I left my cake out in the rain. I don't call him a crook because I made a choice to leave my cake out, or to ever own a cake or for any other reason except that he is a crook and he STOLE my cake. I have no responsibility in that. And now I'm out a cake.

[herenow]

Herenow, are you sure you're not saying that just to avoid taking responsibility for the decisions he made - (ok, excuse the sarcasm). A crook is a crook even if I left my cake out in the rain. I don't call him a crook because I made a choice to leave my cake out, or to ever own a cake or for any other reason except that he is a crook and he STOLE my cake. I have no responsibility in that. And now I'm out a cake.

 

But the cake didn't want to be stolen, it just wanted to be eaten by two people.

[NoIDidn't]

I don't think that giving something a label is always a form of deflecting blame or refusing responsibility for ones' actions. Labels serve to identify things.

But I do agree that cakeman is a label that is used too frequently.

 

Not all men that cheat and want to stay M are cake eaters. Some are womanizers and mysognists. They believe that women were created to service them. Each woman in their life has a purpose. This kind of man actually hates the power that women, and the sex that they want from them, control them to a certain extent.

 

Not all cakemen are mysognists, but all mysoginists are cakemen (just about anyway).

[mopar crazy]

I believe my H was a cake eater at the time of his A. He did leave me, but claimed it wasn't b/c of the OW. They both denied anything between them. He even had his lawyer write a letter to my lawyer to me. It stated that there was no inappropriate relations between H and OW and if I contacted her in any manner she would take legal action. Anyhow, I was in denial of the A and thought if I slept w/ H it would win him back. I was stupid, gullible, and niave. He would come over two or three times a week and once the kids were in bed we ended up in bed. He loved that two woman wanted him. A typical cake eater IMO.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

LOL, HereNow, I'm rolling! I realize that cake was hard to pass by. I've worked on it for years. "Taught it to walk and to talk like a regular lady, I did" Oops, Errrr, Uhhh. I guess somehow it took on a mind of its own! Lesson learned, keep your cake locked safely in your pantry, let it out and God knows what can happen!

 

NoIDidn't, I think probably that Womanizers, Misogynist, and Cakemen, have alot in common, in that they are all out for their own purpose, but perhaps those purposes stem from a different etiology. Still, these are men that use women for their own needs without regard to anyone elses feelings or lives. I believe entitlement is a common thread. Though I admit I'm still learing, ALOT!

[forbidden fruit]

I did it I finally told my mm that he was essentially a cake-eater. He only is looking out for his needs and he never gave a sh**t about my feelings. It was always about him and what he wanted. He said I did not purposely try to hurt you I gave you space to protect both of us from ruining our marriages. What a jerk and then the capper is he wanted to start the whole roller coaster ride again and tried to exert his control again by saying you know you are my best friend I simply replied no I am not and walked out the door and did not look back. However I am still upset and I don't why.

[Meaplus3]

I did it I finally told my mm that he was essentially a cake-eater. He only is looking out for his needs and he never gave a sh**t about my feelings. It was always about him and what he wanted. He said I did not purposely try to hurt you I gave you space to protect both of us from ruining our marriages. What a jerk and then the capper is he wanted to start the whole roller coaster ride again and tried to exert his control again by saying you know you are my best friend I simply replied no I am not and walked out the door and did not look back. However I am still upset and I don't why.

 

Good Job Forbidden fruit! Tell the CAKE EATER off!! I can so relate to this type of man, for the MM that I let "Play" me emotionally is a classic CAKE EATER, but the the kind of cakeman that think's an Emotional Affair is not cheating! From what I have researched an Emotional affair can be even worse than a full blown PA!

 

Why are you still upset? It's simple! He HURT you! I now know why when I am at an amusement park I always avoid the Rollercoasters, Follow me? Stay strong!

 

AP

[forbidden fruit]

Thank you AP for your encouragement. We did have an emotional affair first and then an intensely physical one and I think I am feeling extremely wounded from the emotional part than the physical.

 

I am unsure of how feel now. Part of me does not want him to think he got off the hook so easily. Basically what he is saying is I had my cake and I will continue to eat and play with you if you play by my rules.

 

Me walking away today was sending a message that I am not playing. I just wish I could anticipate his next move so my heart and mind are ready . He knows how to push all of buttons. I don't want him to think he has that control over me. Any ideas.

[frannie]

Any man that is married, stays married and has an affair is a cakeman. If he wasn't a cakeman, he would leave his so called unhappy marriage and become a single dating guy.

 

I've said this before, but I don't know (m)any married men with children who would leave just because the marriage was 'unhappy'... to become a single guy and date. People say having affairs is selfish (and there's a good argument to say that's true!), but isn't leaving your wife and children to go off dating just as selfish? It is to my mind.

 

I do agree, however, that it's a little pointless bringing up the spectre of 'the cakeman', and describing his (supposed) state of mind and viewpoint, without giving some pointers as to how to recognise such behaviour in your own MM.

 

Just because someone stays married and has an affair doesn't make them all of a kind with everyone else who does the same (in my opinion). For example, I'd differentiate between a man who was in a perfectly happy relationship with his wife and just fancied something on the side, and a man whose relationship with his wife had diminished beyond what was reasonable, and had found happiness/fulfilment with someone outside his marriage.

 

The first of these is evidently not satisfied with one woman (and probably never would be), the second one, well... let's just say there's more prospect of a decent, honest relationship with one of those in which cheating doesn't figure in the future IF he leaves.

 

Why doesn't a MM leave a marriage, even when he's involved in an affair, sometimes for years? Sometimes it has to be the 'cake-eater' reason. The question is... how does one distinguish a man who needs more than one woman in his life from one who has got himself into a situation where there is more than one woman in his life?

[frannie]

I don't think that giving something a label is always a form of deflecting blame or refusing responsibility for ones' actions. Labels serve to identify things.

But I do agree that cakeman is a label that is used too frequently.

 

Not all men that cheat and want to stay M are cake eaters. Some are womanizers and mysognists. They believe that women were created to service them. Each woman in their life has a purpose. This kind of man actually hates the power that women, and the sex that they want from them, control them to a certain extent.

 

Not all cakemen are mysognists, but all mysoginists are cakemen (just about anyway).

 

I'd say there was a lot of truth to this. I've seen this kind of behaviour from TWO past boyfriends. They both kept in touch with a variety of women, underplaying our relationship, and doing what I can only term as 'keeping their options open' whilst keeping ME on a very tight leash. One of them even had me keep our relationship a secret so that it 'didn't upset his ex' (WHAT? I was very young at the time!!).

 

yuk yuk yuk.

[Meaplus3]

Thank you AP for your encouragement. We did have an emotional affair first and then an intensely physical one and I think I am feeling extremely wounded from the emotional part than the physical.

 

I am unsure of how feel now. Part of me does not want him to think he got off the hook so easily. Basically what he is saying is I had my cake and I will continue to eat and play with you if you play by my rules.

 

Me walking away today was sending a message that I am not playing. I just wish I could anticipate his next move so my heart and mind are ready . He knows how to push all of buttons. I don't want him to think he has that control over me. Any ideas.

 

Forbidden Fruit,

 

Walking away is sending him a message that you don't want to be a player anymore! The worst part about men in my option, is that once their ego is not getting stroked they come crawling back for more! This is when you need to be strong if you really want this to end. Try not to put yourslef in a postion where you know he will contact you or see you. Avoid, Avoid at all cost's. It's very tough to maintian NC when you still have feeling and might be confused, but it's the only way to break free!

 

My situation is very close to your's so I can relate to just how tough it is and how much it hurt's. But trust me it will HURT so much more if you ruin your marriage over this. I am now in Therapy and it's helping me to keep NC going strong. Good Luck, Stay STRONG!

 

AP:)

[herenow]

LOL, HereNow, I'm rolling! I realize that cake was hard to pass by. I've worked on it for years. "Taught it to walk and to talk like a regular lady, I did" Oops, Errrr, Uhhh. I guess somehow it took on a mind of its own! Lesson learned, keep your cake locked safely in your pantry, let it out and God knows what can happen!

 

I don't think the cake needs to be locked up. If the cake mix is good and it's baked at the right temperature for the right time, it will be just fine. Sometimes the cake doesn't come out right the first time you make it, so the recipe needs to be fixed and then it will be better when you make it again.

 

I have no idea what I'm talking about!