PhilaFlyer85 Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 Hello everyone. I'm brand new to this forum and I have a rather vague question. First of all, I'm young (21) and I'm a senior at Penn State University. I haven't been in a relationship for several years. I have two older brothers (23) and (30) who are both married. My parents always fight. Although I'm not sure, I think my mother cheated on my Dad with someone else since my dad found notes, etc. stashed away and flipped out. My dad is an alcoholic and is as Jealous as heck. He usually yells and carries on even when I'm around the house. It's very hard being the son of a "rocky" relationship (even at 21). My older brother (30) has also had marriage problems and almost divorced his wife a few years ago. My other brother (23) just got married last year so I'm not sure how things are going with him and her yet since these types of problems usually "work" on each other. My question is would any of you (married or unmarried) suggest getting married if you could go back in time? I know the question is vague and no I'm not even in any kind of relationship at the present moment but I was curious to ask this question seriously to all of you. I'm beginning to think (is it worth it?) after witnessing my parents, my one brother, and the many other married couples I know who have already gone through a divorce. Almost EVERYONE I talk to says "don't get married" jokingly but now I'm starting to think there is truth behind their suggestion. I have worked with a guy in my summer job who made a very high salary as an executive chef at a top restaurant and was married. He recently got divorced and lost most of his "property" (money, house, etc.) because she did not sign a prenuptial agreement. The divorce rate is over 50 % these days. I have firsthand seen lives ruined (both emotionally, and financially). I will be attending medical school and if I DO "meet" somebody and decided to get married, wouldn't it be dumb of me not to have her sign a prenuptial agreement? (Just because I have seen peoples lives ruined who have worked very hard for years for the opportunity of prestigious careers to have their spouse divorce them and take half of what they once owned.) I think "prenups" seem to be a punch in the face to the spouse but is it not "smart" of someone who has dedicated years and thousands of dollars into training for their careers? How could this be approached? I honestly don't know what to think about my future (If I do meet somebody and am with her for years). I know I shouldn't even be thinking about this type of thing now, but I'm very curious to know what all of you have to say. I like being able to do what I want, when I want. I am pretty happy right now (as long as I have my friends), and I've seen the "nightmares" of marriage. Very few marriages these days are picture perfect, whereas many have "disaster" written all over them after the first few years... Any advice would be appreciated on this matter. Thank you all for your advice!
quankanne Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 I honestly don't know what to think about my future (If I do meet somebody and am with her for years). I know I shouldn't even be thinking about this type of thing now, but I'm very curious to know what all of you have to say. I like being able to do what I want, when I want. I am pretty happy right now (as long as I have my friends), and I've seen the "nightmares" of marriage. Very few marriages these days are picture perfect, whereas many have "disaster" written all over them after the first few years... you really shouldn't base your ideals of marriage on what others have, simply because they are not you. Even family members. How they think and feel and respond will never quite be the same as how you think, feel or respond, even if you were raised with them. my best advice is to make up your mind about the kind of marriage you want and what YOU will do to ensure that you reach that goal. I always wanted someone of my own to love and told myself that I would be willing to compromise when compromise was needed. And I do, with my husband. also, instead of looking at those negative examples and basing your expectations on them, look to people who you consider successfully married*– those who work at their marriage and who make it through the rough patches even stronger than before. At the old folks who have been married 20, 30, 40 and 50 years – ask them what their secret is. You'll be surprised at how seemingly simple advice kept them strong through the years. There are good examples out there, you've just got to be willing to notice them. I'll be honest with you. Marriage isn't easy, because you're having to consider someone else's needs, not just your own. You're having to learn the art of compromise, realizing that it's not giving in, but making a decision that benefits the both of you. You're having to choose each and every day – especially when you're really pissed off at that person – to be married to him or her. When it's bad, it hurts, but when it's good ... well, you'll see when you get to that point ) quank BTW – I always thought pre-nups were a nuisance, but now that I'm older, I can appreciate how they can keep someone from stealing away what you built up before they entered your life.
Pink_Tulip Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 I agree with the above. Marriage is a lot of hard work, but if you find someone who is willing to work at it, as are you, I mean really work, it can be awesome. Although coming from an alcoholic family, you may have issues finding someone who is really trustworthy. Like your brother, you are probably attracted to people who aren't good for you and will end up in the realtionship you don't want. Some personal counseling before you get into a serious relationship would be a good thing. My main point in posting was your comment about a prenup. Just wanted to make sure you understood how it works. It only protects what you have going in to the marriage. Once you are married, everything you earn is joint property. This is mainly to prevent people from making a ton of money, then trading in their spouse for a newer model, and leaving the old one and kids living in squalor. If you are established and own property when you marry, a prenup is a good idea for anyone. If you are just out of school and don't own anything of value, a prenup is worthless. Hope that makes sense.
Curmudgeon Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 If I could go back in time I never would even come close to marrying my first wife. I would, however, decidedly marry my current wife again. Point of reference: The former marriage lasted 25 years and shouldn't have. My wife and I have been married 10 years and are still going strong.
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