I have a drinking problem

[almostthere]

Before I go further I just want to say that I hope anyone who answers this will not put me down because I just need to say it, admit it and feel horrible about it. I need to tell people otherwise I will just get worse.

 

In April of 2005 I started bartending to help raise my kids on my own. I have always been a good mom and i continue to be. But working all weekend and wanting to go out with friends put me on a downward spiral of not getting home until 5 am because the only weekend I had was from 3am to 5 am. I never set my kids aside for me to go out. They were at their dad's while i worked. They come first.

 

I grew up in a house where mom and dad were both alcoholics. They arent anymore and it probably only lasted about a year with my mom. my dad was a different story and he didnt live with me. Actually my sis and her best friend, both my grandfathers, and my grandmother (who had half her liver removed from damage but then never drank again for 50 years). It's a long list.

 

My bf got really rude last weekend while we were drinking and he said a lot of hurtful things. He didnt mean any of them but it still hurt anyway.

 

last night tho I got mad. He was defending his ex-wife and saying that he hit a curb instead of her slashing my tires. I dont know why he was sticking up for her. It hurt because of the past. Some of you know all the problems I had with him and his exwife.

 

Anyway...I hit him. I dont know how many times although I am estimating more then once. I do remember slapping him in the face. I have never laid a hand on anyone in my life. Judging by the lower half of me I was thrown or something. I am really sore this morning. as i should be. I have never gotten physical sober or drunk before. In fact I have always been a happy drunk.

 

I believe my bf has a drinking problem too. he threw things around and called me horrible names last weekend. Broke things I loved. i dont know how we got here. we used to just hang out together after I was bartending to spend time together. i guess it became a habit. Again...my kids are never home when we drink.

 

To give you an idea him and I put away a whole bottle of vodka and red bulls between the two of us. And sometimes look for more or buy more. I black out and dont remember anything from the night before. I hate that I am like this. But there is a plus side. I only do it once a week. I know its become a problem and I want to stop. I am not past the point were I cant give it up and i can become a social drinker again. If i even want to.

 

he was not innocent in anything last night. he has about 4 shots and his attitude changes. he becomes egotistic when he usually is pretty humble. he begins to lie when he normally doesnt. And i catch him then i get mad. and the fighting starts.

 

our tolerance is at about 16 shots and still capable of walking and interacting with people without making idiots of ourselves. i am not proud of that. I told him this morning that I have a drinking problem and i want to stop. I told him he doesnt have to but i am. I have never hit anyone ever. I am not a mean aggresive person. But alcohol brings it out in me i guess.

 

So...hopefully anyone who replies will be somewhat gentle on me because I am very sad and embarressed this morning and I just want to crawl into a hole and hide. I just needed to say it to someone. I dont have anyone I can talk to without them getting rude or whatever with me because I am a mom and so forth. I dont drink while they are in my care. I am a really good mom.

 

I just want to get back were a beer and a shot and leaving knowing my name is still an option. I hate me right now. i really really hate me. And I am stil mad at him for defending her. But whatever. Thanks for listening.

[almostthere]

Oh I forgot...I used to hate drinking. The first time I got drunk was when I was 23. In fact I hated the taste until then of everything even beer. so this is all new to me. I have only had a problem for about 6 months now.

[Enema]

I used to drink two bottles of scotch each weekend. (44 standard drinks I believe)

 

I wanted to stop just like you did but never really made a solid effort.

 

Had a real bender that hurt my career a little bit and my relationship. Sounds like what happened to you.

 

I used that as motivation and went cold turkey. That was two months ago and I haven't had a drink since. Longest time without booze in about 7 years.

 

There are other people here that can probably help you better, but I suggest finding a focus point (rock bottom some say) for your motivation to be sober.

[hotgurl]

well congrats for realizing it's a problem and trying to do something about it. Maybe check out an AA meeting or go talk to a therapist who specializes in addiction.

 

I have said this before but I don't think you and your BF are a good match. It seems like you are bringing out bad traits in each other and if he doesn't quit drinking it will make it harder for you to quit esp since it is a habit you both got into.

[blind_otter]

I initially admitted to my drinking problem in January of this year. I've backslided twice. I go to AA for help, because I need support and guidance to stay sober. I also never drank every day -- and I also got really bad into it when I was a cocktail waitress with access to alcohol every day. I used to drink jaeger bombs like they were water.

 

My advice is to get help and not go cold turkey. At about the 6 month point you start to forget you had a problem, and backsliding can occur. It's easy to forget, it really is.

[almostthere]

Thanks...I guess you can call last night rock bottom. I feel horrible for hitting him. The neighbors called the police. thankfully my kids werent home. Dad wanted an extra night and normally I wouldnt have but he is a lot more responsible then he used to be. There are mashed potatos everywhere, someone threw the garbage can, my bf's cell phone and theres a dent in the wall. I dont know who did what because all i remember is hitting him and saying he was an a**hole. Not to mention he called my exhusband at 230 am and left vm for his girlfriend saying I want to work it out with him. I already called and left a vm for him and his gf saying how sorry I was for his actions. And he threw the neighbors chair off the third floor balcony. which she wrote me a note and left her # and I called and apologized and she said that he seems to be an alcoholic and she feels for me. he is a ton worse then me. most of the time he is mean when he drinks too much. This is my first time. I told her I would replace it. I mean from what I do remember it sounds like I wasnt the only one.

 

It was horrible. I showered this morning but I reek and people can smell it on me. I just want to cry. I just want to go on lunch and cry.

[blind_otter]

I'm sorry that you had to face such horrible consequences.

 

remember that all you can do is attend to your issue. Your BF has to decide for himself whether he wants to get sober or it doesn't work.

 

Sobriety is really hard, man. It's easy for a few months, hell, really easy -- and then one night you spend the whole night just obsessing about drinking, fantasizing, wishing. It's easier to drink than it is to stay sober, still, for me.

 

I wish you well and hope you take that first step.

[almostthere]

Its actually really comforting to know I am not alone on here about this. I am going to do it for myself and if he wants to follow along all the better. All I know is this needs to end now.

 

So when you want to drink and you start getting irritable...thinking now i have to wait til next weekend...what makes you get over the irritibility? I was a grouch on Saturday night since it was a sober weekend in forever. All I wanted to do was catch a buzz. I dont like drinking anymore. I just do it to relieve stress now. Make me feel less like me. I am a very busy person and sometimes it just makes me feel good. but sometimes it kills me.

[Krisp]

I started drinking when our daughter started being independent. My husband was always a beer drinker and we would go out and have a few pops together but outside of that it use to drive me nuts that he drank everyday. Then I found that I had a lot of free time on my hands after work and decided, If you can't beat em' Join em'. So I started drinking everyday. I developed a strong tolerance for it and it lasted for the past six years.

This summer I decided for the hundreth time that I was through, I can't live this lifestyle and I stopped cold turkey. My husband and I are divorcing over it because he would rather have his beer and lifestyle then to get sober. (In other words, he lost his daily drinking buddy) I started going to a Smart Recovery meetings on Tuesday nights, they are more interactive then AA and I found a psycologist to help me accept this divorce. During the weak times I will drink beer as long as I am alone and hide the evidence. I'm hoping this next doctors appointment will prescribe zoloft or something.

It has been a month and a half since my husband left and not drinking is getting easier. But! I wanted to stop and grab a twelve pack on the way home tonight and then just asked myself why I would choose that and not choose something better for myself. Next thing I knew I had driven by the packy and it wasn't an option for me anymore. I was relieved so I rewarded my self with a small pizza for dinner and washed it down with a Sprite.

I don't know that I can trust myself to never drink again but I know I try to get through one day at a time and I know you can too.

Look at what the **** costs us! and I'm not talking about the money. Our dignity, health, respect, etc...We deserve a good life and it's up to us to get it no matter how hard it is. Good luck to you and yours....