BARBGURL Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 I am new here. i have been reading for a while and it seems there are many people in similar situations so I decided to register. I'm not sure if I am in the right forum though - maybe there should be one specifically for train wrecks! I began a frienship with this older man. I had no intentions other than friendship. I was not attracted to him physically, but he gave good conversation. He kept saying and doing all the right things - he was a great man. intelligent, charming, macho, caring, etc. Bottom line, I fell HARD. Well, around 9 months in I discovered he was married. I confronted him and he began to be very insensitive. He made everythig seem like it was my fault. He has convinced me that he did nothing. it was all me. I'm some sort of harlot. Part of me knows that it was all part of his plan - to make me fall for him. He just didn't think I would find out he was married. He would show me his "credentials" like his Marine ID card ( retired ), License to carry a concealed weapon, etc. Things he thought would make me swoon. He would hold me and....well, I don't need to go into everything, but the point is, he did EVERYTHING as if he could read my mind. It is over, but I am left with a broken heart, zero self-worth, guilt about him being married, an eating disorder ( I am 5'6" and get down to 90lb easily ), and intermittent thoughts of suicide. Yea, great man. Why do people have to be so cruel? Why do people feel the need to play with emotions like that?
whichwayisup Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 Because he's probably really selfish and has a big ego. I am glad for your sake that it's over, but I am sorry for your pain. He lied to you! That isn't your fault. Don't let him ruin you, so please seek therapy help you cope with this...Don't give him the power to ruin who you are.
Author BARBGURL Posted November 27, 2006 Author Posted November 27, 2006 Here is some irony - I'm a counselor by trade!!! I can help others, but I'm a disaster. I think it's cathartic to have a place to vent - this is a great site.
oyster Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 Here is some irony - I'm a counselor by trade!!! I can help others, but I'm a disaster. I think it's cathartic to have a place to vent - this is a great site. remember, Men and Woman / Boys and Girls should not maintain friendship. If you want a friend get a dog, friendship is good at the beginning to explore possibility of a relationship. If not possible, friendship can not last.
Enema Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 What would you say to one of your clients who had the same story and was falling apart?
Author BARBGURL Posted November 27, 2006 Author Posted November 27, 2006 I think one reason I come down so hard on myself is because I am supposed to see beyond this sort of crap. I should have seen the signs, I should have been more alert. I know better!!!! I let myself get played like a fiddle and that was just stupid. I see these things immediately with others and help open their eyes to things and yet I was blinded! How sad.
GreenEyedLady Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 I think one reason I come down so hard on myself is because I am supposed to see beyond this sort of crap. I should have seen the signs, I should have been more alert. I know better!!!! I let myself get played like a fiddle and that was just stupid. I see these things immediately with others and help open their eyes to things and yet I was blinded! How sad. You are human, just like everyone else...don't be so hard on yourself...turn this instead into a learning experience...
pureinheart Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 Hey BARBGURL, Please forgive me if this doesn't make sence....230 am, just got off work, but had to post....wow, I am so, so sorry. I don't know why people are so cruel...you said he is retired USMC, I have a lot of experience with military and USMC goes through intence training while in bootcamp....some of the guys never really recover, their minds snap at times....you would be shocked at some of the training, but they have to be trained that way, their lives and others depend on it.... Anyway....the situation I just got out of, the MM told me it was my fault all of the time, he twisted everything I said....not being a person that has to right, this caused great confusion in me and I would find myself arguing over stupid things....there were times I really believed his distortion of the facts.... This is clear cut mind control at it's finest, manipulation that plants fear in ones mind. Now the eating disorder really has me concerned....BARBGURL I am 5'6" and weight 120....I always get teased about being too thin....so unless you are really small boned to easily get to 90lb's ....DR. Phil just did a show on this....women that weighed 63 lb's...it was OMG. Please don't let this man who is not in his right mind do this to you....THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT YOU WERE DECEIVED! Please keep posting....the ladies (and guys) have really cool stuff to help you and encourage you....YOU ARE IMPORTANT! ((((((((((((((((((((BARBGURL)))))))))))))))))))))))))0
pureinheart Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 remember, Men and Woman / Boys and Girls should not maintain friendship. If you want a friend get a dog, friendship is good at the beginning to explore possibility of a relationship. If not possible, friendship can not last. Very true and interesting....thanks oyster for the confirmation....mm said for us to remain friends, I said not possible, he said I was crazy....turns out he is, thanks again
pureinheart Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 OMG I just read that you are a councellor.....well girl there it is....you help and encourage others all day and listen to their problems and such....is there anyone to listen to you? Do you have a tendency to internalise all of the stuff..... I don't know if yours is the same but I became the "garbage can" for everyone because I was a good listener and emathetic to problems....I became drained and had nothing to give....
frannie Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 remember, Men and Woman / Boys and Girls should not maintain friendship. If you want a friend get a dog, friendship is good at the beginning to explore possibility of a relationship. If not possible, friendship can not last. I disagree entirely. I have plenty of male friends, including some of my exes. As long as there are no romantic overtures or continuances I don't see where the problem is.
oyster Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 I disagree entirely. I have plenty of male friends, including some of my exes. As long as there are no romantic overtures or continuances I don't see where the problem is. time you spend hanging on or having flash back of good times, is time you are NOT spending on your FUTURE relationship. Even if you have free time, if you re-invest that into new friends and your love, infidelity risk diminishs IMO
frannie Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 time you spend hanging on or having flash back of good times, is time you are NOT spending on your FUTURE relationship. Even if you have free time, if you re-invest that into new friends and your love, infidelity risk diminishs IMO I don't see remaining on good terms with exes as 'hanging on' to anything. I fully admit that it's really only possible to do if you've both agreed the relationship is over, have ended the whole thing amicably, and have no desire to rekindle anything. Is it only friends of the opposite sex that supposedly take away time and energy which could be put into finding (or keeping?) a mate? Or are same-sex friends somehow not the same in this respect. And what about family time? Time spent with others is time spent with others, whatever the gender (in my opinion).
oyster Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 Is it only friends of the opposite sex that supposedly take away time and energy which could be put into finding (or keeping?) a mate? Or are same-sex friends somehow not the same in this respect. And what about family time? Time spent with others is time spent with others, whatever the gender (in my opinion). well from my experience and observations, when you are friends with the opposite sex, there will always be that question in the back of your mind, what if? relationships has high and lows, during the lows, you will find that your opposite sex friend looks better, find fault to your existing partner etc.
Guest Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 I have endured a break up for too long. I have been confused for all that time. I dearly wanted to remain with my husband and he pushed me away believing it was all for the best. It was. Now, that I am reconciling my DIFFERENCES it has left people I care about and love in the deceiving line. I did not want this. I do not want to hurt anybody. It is not within me to do this but yet my disability to work this out creates more infractions in my life. I believe now regardless of my true intent and purposes, I must cut all ties and lies and try to make a stand and follow thru with my life. This is killing me, and I hurt because my life has always been to endure and keep my r/s alive. Now, I must do the inevitable and maintain some semblence of mylife if there is any and try to regroup and rebuild what is/was lost. I do not write for answers in this forum but every time I do things to make sure 'their' alright, all I get is stepped into the wrong hole of darkness and ridicule. I cannot do this anymore as I see it only weakens an already bad r/s even if it appears worse and sorly broken. I love my husband, but he does appear patient, but then again doesn't realise that his silence only beckons me to more confusion and hurt. I come home because that is where I always wanted and cry to be. I am so sorry for all the hurt and yes I put up with more than I expected. But the hurt has to stop. For all involved. I must and will carry on and feel deeply sorry for hurting others. I have a big heart, but feel I was misunderstood. I feel badly and never wanted to hurt anyone. My life is my own but yet, I did extend myself unjustly. I will pay the price, Hopefully it is not too late. The chance to start anew is now I guess Forgive what I have done, and what others will seek out of me. If I donot. I am truly sorry. Perhaps time will be the chance to find life at a more stable scenerio for all. Be strong, be cool, Be somebody not for someone else. Peace, love and contentment.
frannie Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 well from my experience and observations, when you are friends with the opposite sex, there will always be that question in the back of your mind, what if? relationships has high and lows, during the lows, you will find that your opposite sex friend looks better, find fault to your existing partner etc. wew. Not me. The only one of my male friends I fancy is actually gay. And even if he was straight he'd make an awful partner for me I'm really fussy... no one in particular looks all that good.
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