yousaveme Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 I was just curious. After a long weekend I was thinking to myself. How many OW would get themselves involved with another MM. I vowed to myself that if this ever happened again that I would never put myself into this situtation for a second time. As much as I love my guy, I wouldnt wish wish this on anyone. Its a constant internal struggle. I actually had a friend recently tell me she has feelings for her neighbor. They are both married. I told her to bury the feelings work on her marrriage and stay away from the neighbor. So I am putting this question out there. Knowing that some of the OW on here are very much in love with their MM and to those who are out of the relationship. Would you do it again?
PoshPrincess Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 What more can I say? There is NO WAY I would put myself in that position again. I have never known hurt and pain like it and wouldn't want to go through it a second time. I loved my MM with all my heart. He didn't intentionally mess me about - he was confused - but it was the worse head f**k ever! I too have a friend (a lot younger than me) who has got herself involved with someone else's man. She was with me through the whole of my R with MM (good and bad times) and knew what hell and heartache I went through, but still she is willing to risk it for this guy. All I can do is be there for her but I wouldn't wish those feelings now on my worse enemy. It has also given me more understanding of the W in a way because I was eventually able to tell myself, "If I feel this bad, how terrible must she be feeling?" Thankfully I have now moved on. I have a brilliant SG who is, at the moment, making me very happy. Of course I still think of MM, in fact we even spoke last week for the first time in a couple of months. It didn't mess with my head as much as I thought it would but I was sorry to hear that he still isn't happy. I care about him deeply and want him to move on too but only he can change that. I would be v interested to hear a different take on this. I can't imagine why anyone would intentionally get themselves involved in an A again, unless they were maybe in it just for the sex!
kymberann Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 Not ever in a million years will I ever get myself in this predicamint again. It's hard enough just healing from it as it is! I never thought I would be in this situation in the first place. I ask myself why I even did it. I was really thinking back and contemplating. Prior to affair I was a single, smart, energetic, classy all around fun to be with kind of girl. I am educated, Master's degree. Have a job, have a home pay my car payments, take care of my kids. Not that I am excusing any one's behavior, but MM did the chasing, said certain things, we had a lot in common and have done so much together. MM has even told me he admired all of these qualities. Self-esteem was not a problem for me. But the more involved I/we became the lower my esteem went. The more I questioned my own self worth. Well, I am working on that now. But I will never ever do this again. It isn't worth it. I hope I can get back to a point where I can be helpful to others who find themselves in similar situations. So no, never, not eeven an option! No way in hell! I am so glad for posts like this it is helping me to recover and feel better!
Author yousaveme Posted November 27, 2006 Author Posted November 27, 2006 I am still involved and love him very much. But I also would NEVER EVER do this again. And if anyone ever tells me that they are thinking about starting a relationship with one my advise would be NO.
Marielle Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 Not to hijack the thread, but I can t PM...personal question to yousaveme: How are you coping with the affair, what keeps you haging on? I ask because me too I love my MM very much and can t loose him. Leaving him would be like cutting my arm, the same for him. But there is a lot of pain even when i decide to wait. Thanks
Chapter2 Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 Well...I said "never" before. So, here's what I'll say this time. There but for the grace of God go I. I hope and pray that I will never participate in something like this again but I now know I'm capable of it whereas before I would have stated that I wasn't~~that my integrity and character would have kept me from such. That, apparently, was my pride talking. I hope that this has taught me about guarding my heart and that I've gained wisdom through this that I didn't have before. I also hope the pain that I've had no choice to endure will keep me from it. I've learned that the more people I have holding me accountable, the better decisions I make. The more secretly I live, the crappier decisions I make. So, I hope never to venture into MM waters again. I want to say never, you have no idea how badly I want to say never, but I'm too afraid to use that word anymore:o I was just curious. After a long weekend I was thinking to myself. How many OW would get themselves involved with another MM. I vowed to myself that if this ever happened again that I would never put myself into this situtation for a second time. As much as I love my guy, I wouldnt wish wish this on anyone. Its a constant internal struggle. I actually had a friend recently tell me she has feelings for her neighbor. They are both married. I told her to bury the feelings work on her marrriage and stay away from the neighbor. So I am putting this question out there. Knowing that some of the OW on here are very much in love with their MM and to those who are out of the relationship. Would you do it again?
Author yousaveme Posted November 27, 2006 Author Posted November 27, 2006 Not to hijack the thread, but I can t PM...personal question to yousaveme: How are you coping with the affair, what keeps you haging on? I ask because me too I love my MM very much and can t loose him. Leaving him would be like cutting my arm, the same for him. But there is a lot of pain even when i decide to wait. Thanks What keeps me hanging on? My feelings , his feelings for me , for us...His actions , how we are with one another. Taking one day at a time. I guess.
Chapter2 Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 I feel like I could have written this myself. I think back to before this all began and I was doing GREAT!!! The introduction of this man into my life made so many things go straight to h*ll. I'm working on all of that now but it was so foolish. Proof again that you don't realize how good things are till they're gone. Hopefully the "great" will be back soon. Prior to affair I was a single, smart, energetic, classy all around fun to be with kind of girl. I am educated, Master's degree. Have a job, have a home pay my car payments, take care of my kids. Not that I am excusing any one's behavior, but MM did the chasing, said certain things, we had a lot in common and have done so much together. MM has even told me he admired all of these qualities. Self-esteem was not a problem for me. But the more involved I/we became the lower my esteem went. The more I questioned my own self worth.
Author yousaveme Posted November 27, 2006 Author Posted November 27, 2006 things were definitely not that out of control before him.
GreenEyedLady Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 Well...I said "never" before. So, here's what I'll say this time. There but for the grace of God go I. I hope and pray that I will never participate in something like this again but I now know I'm capable of it whereas before I would have stated that I wasn't~~that my integrity and character would have kept me from such. That, apparently, was my pride talking. I hope that this has taught me about guarding my heart and that I've gained wisdom through this that I didn't have before. I also hope the pain that I've had no choice to endure will keep me from it. I've learned that the more people I have holding me accountable, the better decisions I make. The more secretly I live, the crappier decisions I make. So, I hope never to venture into MM waters again. I want to say never, you have no idea how badly I want to say never, but I'm too afraid to use that word anymore:o I think that your post shows how far you have come...You have shown wisdom and humility with your words...You do not condemn, but empathize...
herenow Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 It interesting to see that most of you would not have another affair. The OW that my H had an affair with had been in 3 other affairs with MM before my H, and was still having sex with one of them because he was paying her bills. One more thing that tells me not all OW are the same.
pricillia Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 I commend you all for coming far and for those of you who are hanging in there. I am totally frustrated with this whole thing, but for some reason I can not forget about him... I know you all think that he is crazy, he has his moments but over all he is a hard worker and I know that he loves his son. I am tired... frustrated and over all dissatisfied with my life in general, I did not want to care about someone this much... things were going just fine before him, now I am all confused. Last night I went to the movies by myself and sat there and cried... like an idiot.
pureinheart Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 No, if I did I would be signing my own death cert, and that is no exaggeration. I was playing with fire in more ways than the obvious. The major factor for my decision to get out, and don't talk much about it due to the risk of sounding like I'm preaching, it was destroying my relationship with God. I paid a heavy price for this .... Thinking the reason there is so much more hurt with the triangle-vs-manogomous relationship is the fact of soooo much deception and rejection. Some of my friends are still involved in these situations, one targets MM....she was my closest friend and she even hit on the MM in my past situation. This is what you get in these things...deception. What blows my mind is the W in my past situation....caught him several times (he told me about all of this) and her "fix" for the betrayals was to monitor phone calls and bills, follow him ect....to put him on a short leash....isn't that what parents do with their kids?????? Also with the knowledge that he has a definite problem would have her friends stay with them, well her friends screwed her H....she had many "Victoria Secrets" parties also. Way too sick for me....and the kids and grandkids.....man I feel for those grandkids because his kids are out there, and what does one expect with parents like that.
kymberann Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 Ohh pricilia, sending big *HUG* your way. I know how you are feeling. The pain is awful, comes in waves. You just cry! That's what you need right now. I commend you for venturing out on your own. That will help keep you busy! You are not alone in this. I've been playing this song over and over again. "Walk away". Listening to it right now as I type. It's really good, by Paula Deanda. Reminds me of my situation. Music helps me to heal. And in fact when i was with MM sometimes he would come over and I would just play all kinds of music. Thta is one thing he liked about me and he and I would burn CDs for each other. I teach spin classes so he would help me picl out songs for some of my fitness classes that I teach. I am trying some aversion therapy and playing some songs that remind me of MM. We had many songs together, so I am also collecting a fine assortment of new songs that have NADA to do with the bastard! Anyway, I know we will get through this Herenow, thanks for the acknowledgement that all OW are not the same. Before all of this I really believed I was a person of standards, values and boundaries. I am having to relearn and re establish a lot of my beliefs though. This has all been such a challenge, let alone dealing with rejection which is first and foremost the most painful aspect of all of this. I keep questioning "if I was such a good person then why was I the one rejected? I have to honestly say that if MM didn't end this when he did, I would still be with him. I didn't have the courage, whatever you call it to end. I would have stuck it out. I still really love him. Chapter2, let's work on getting "Great" back!
pureinheart Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 I commend you all for coming far and for those of you who are hanging in there. I am totally frustrated with this whole thing, but for some reason I can not forget about him... I know you all think that he is crazy, he has his moments but over all he is a hard worker and I know that he loves his son. I am tired... frustrated and over all dissatisfied with my life in general, I did not want to care about someone this much... things were going just fine before him, now I am all confused. Last night I went to the movies by myself and sat there and cried... like an idiot. I want to get to the truth, even if some are offended because I want to know the answer to this question..... What is the power these men posses over us....I was there too, hated my life, couldn't forget, couldn't change my mind about this thing, prayed hours and hours for answers, begged God to get me out of this....on and on it goes. Was there something in me, some power trip of sorts, some control thing, some rescue thing....why was this so hard to let go of?????? Fact: I wanted him to leave his wife....but why for Gods sake?????? Having communicated to this forum he's sick/she's sick/kids are sick....why would I want to infect my own kids and grandkids....and the worst part is my daughter and grandkids live with me...... I have no excuse, after many years of councelling of and on (when needed) I know what the right and wrong thing is in the majority of issues we all face today. Why was I so arrogant to want this guy that bad....I know selfishness is one answer, but this goes deeper than that even....what is the motive behind the motive?
Chapter2 Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 Please don't beat yourself up! I think about my xMM frequently and find its something I can't escape. I very OFTEN have to look at my list of "Reality with XXX" in order to get my head back on straight. I worry that my friends are sick and tired of hearing my thoughts on him and I'm even harder on myself about how far I think I should have come by now. As a matter of fact, I can totally relate to your tearful event at the movies. I walked into a friends house the other night and all I could do was sob. I just couldn't control it. My crying was all about him because I do still love him. Don't minimize how hard what you are going through is. It is one thing to know you've done the right thing but that never removes the pain of what you've lost. You are grieving. There is no time limit on grief and everyone grieves differently. I'm so sorry and I wish I could go to the movies with you!! At least you wouldn't be crying alone:) I commend you all for coming far and for those of you who are hanging in there. I am totally frustrated with this whole thing, but for some reason I can not forget about him... I know you all think that he is crazy, he has his moments but over all he is a hard worker and I know that he loves his son. I am tired... frustrated and over all dissatisfied with my life in general, I did not want to care about someone this much... things were going just fine before him, now I am all confused. Last night I went to the movies by myself and sat there and cried... like an idiot.
stillhere Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 Sorry ladies, i'm coming into this thread a little late. As for being involved with a MM again, i promised myself that i would never do this again. Like C2 said, never say never, but i am going to try my hardest to keep this promise to myself!! I told him that i would never date a MM again, and i've had my fair share of advances. I had one go so far as to give his business card to one of the guys at work, and he gave me the card right in front of my MM. I was so appalled at the amount of balls that this guy had, i just sat there in disbelief!!! My sister and my best friend were both involved with MM's. I lectured them relentlessly (my best friend was sickened by the fact that i was with a MM) because they both watch me suffer through my situation, and then they both jump into the same thing. I guess they are like me, they need to experience it for themselves and learn from their own mistakes. I know that although i'm still involved with him, this whole ordeal is making me a much stronger person (at least until i crash and burn!) and i'm learning more and more about what i really want out of life.
Meaplus3 Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 I was just curious. After a long weekend I was thinking to myself. How many OW would get themselves involved with another MM. I vowed to myself that if this ever happened again that I would never put myself into this situtation for a second time. As much as I love my guy, I wouldnt wish wish this on anyone. Its a constant internal struggle. I actually had a friend recently tell me she has feelings for her neighbor. They are both married. I told her to bury the feelings work on her marrriage and stay away from the neighbor. So I am putting this question out there. Knowing that some of the OW on here are very much in love with their MM and to those who are out of the relationship. Would you do it again? NEVER AGAIN! BIG MISTAKE! The MM I got involoved with is my Neighbor! So as for you friend, "Blinker's on just like a race horse, tell her to look straight ahead and to run like ****. Something I should have done 1 year ago! AP
Author yousaveme Posted November 28, 2006 Author Posted November 28, 2006 NEVER AGAIN! BIG MISTAKE! The MM I got involoved with is my Neighbor! So as for you friend, "Blinker's on just like a race horse, tell her to look straight ahead and to run like ****. Something I should have done 1 year ago! AP I told her, up to her to do it. She has seen me at my worse when we got found out, so I dont know why she would want to possibly go throught that hell.
puddleofmud Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 I hate snakes; the reptiles not the human ones we often call such. I would rather lie in bed with hundreds of the most frightful thing I could imagine then with an attached (not just married, but attached) person. Snakes have my respect. They were created and and have a natural and respectful place within our world. Some humans do not have my respect, thus, I would not lay with them. Being human, I prefer the warm blooded not a cold blooded thing that warms itself in the sun of another's and strikes venom without regard. I also prefer what is natural which is making family and friendship, loving in a natural way that is about respect and honor.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 What is the power these men posses over us....I was there too, hated my life, couldn't forget, couldn't change my mind about this thing, prayed hours and hours for answers, begged God to get me out of this....on and on it goes. I'd suggest that you read the book by Richard Tuch, "Single women - married man syndrome". It's not new, but it is very informative and helped me understand why married men would have extra-marital affairs even when they have no intention of leaving their wives.
forbidden fruit Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 Just curious because my MM is my neighbor how did you follow through with NC when you had to see him everyday? At least I have to see him everyday and it is so hard to get over him because he can just look at me and I am right back to the pain!!
slave2love Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 If I'm being honest...yes. Long history with my MM. Read True love or bs and you'll know why. I have loved my MM for 17 years...couldn't get over him back then and it's even worse now. If he called me tomorrow I'd be caught up in it again without a doubt.
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