about no contact

[greeneyedk]

Following an argument, he moved out when I wasn't home- left no note forwarded his snail mail, Email bounced 3 weeks later. I don’t know where he is/where he moved to and he doesn’t want me to know. I have tried to get in touch he got the message but no response. He did tell someone that he was putting together an email to send to me but that was 2 weeks ago- never came. Today makes 37 days of no contact.

 

We had our share of arguing and issues during the 2 years (I posted a loooong post 4 days ago so will spare all that.) but that night was not this big of deal. Without closure or explanation time has not been an effective healing tool yet because I don’t know if he’s needing time or space and will contact me when he’s ready or use this time to accept that its over? You would think he wants all of the stuff he left here and it was 2 years of your life yet leaving his house key is pretty clear but talk of engagement so recent that it was to have been before thanksgiving (the 2 yr anniversary) but there is no way to predict as he is not being the person I have known for 7 years only if he was could I predict his future actions. I know he was hurting when he left.

 

How can I use this no contact to heal when it all seems so bizarre? Maybe I’m just being stupid that he needs any more time or space as it seems that without a doubt wants no contact from me. I really don’t understand but I will respect this. How do you know when no contact has become no contact forever?

[magichands]

How do you know when no contact has become no contact forever?

I'm sorry you're going through this. But I must say you're holding up impressively... good for you!

 

I think the question is, can you trust him again? What if he did "come to his senses," apologise to you, and ask to come back into your life?! Abandonment is very, very hard to forgive.

 

I should know, because I abandoned my ex. She quite rightly shut me out of her life, and is doing great with a wonderful person in her life now.

 

Good luck!

[D-Lish]

It's probably especially frustrating because this guy denied you any closure. He just picked up and left without warning or explanation.

 

I suspect he needs some healing time. From what you described in your other post, it sounds like he was going through a very low period. Maybe he felt he was at a breaking point and had to do something drastic to effect a change in his life. If this is the case, just let him have the space.

 

I suspect he will come back with some explanations at some point. However, it may take some time. You can use this time wisely by doing what you need to do to make some positive changes in your own life.

 

He owes you some explanation after being together for so long. But you can't force him at this point because he has chosen to hide from you. Don't allow yourself to become obsessed with "waiting" for that e-mail to come. That will drive you mad.

 

Stay active, concentrate on your own life and how you can improve it. I honestly believe that you will hear from him when he's ready.

 

It's cruel to leave someone in the manner he did. It's brutal to run away and hide from someone. But it sounds like he has a whole host of issues to deal with.

 

I hope you get some explanation or closure from him.

Stay strong,

Keep yourself busy.

D

[greeneyedk]

Thanks for the replies and kind words. Really needed them! It doesn't seem reasonable that you walk away after 2 years and that's it. It took him 32 years to find that first love and it was me. I don't think this is how it ends but at this time I don't know anything anymore including the person and friend I spent two years with romantically and had in my life all this time. His mom died when he was 13 he was told she had 6 months to live (leukemia) & she lived for 6 years. I don't think he was prepared when it finally happened came as a shock probably to him this is how loss happens...you come home one day then all is changed. The reason for sharing this is he had closed himself off ever since to being able to rely on things we all probably take for granted (evident in the form of chronic anxiety) he admits that the death of his mom wasn't dealt with all this time in his words he "went cold" as a way to cope. sneaky suspicion he has dealt with what he sees as the end of us in the same way but there is nothing I can do. I wrote previously that I respect it but really have no choice either way. I'm trying to change my focus I miss him and holidays are so hard. I can get by that it wasn't working out perhaps not meant to be now but struggle with lack of proper closure and loss of an old friend. I believe understanding can aid any trust issue although am concerned about resentment of this treatment building in the meantime. I agree with you magichands that abandonment is very hard to forgive.

Aknowleding b-days are more important to him than anyone I've ever met. His b-day is in 9 days I would like some advice. Because of the extreme no contact the sad thing is that in order to get him a b-day wish I would have to send it here to my house and let the mail forward seems like a long way to go to contact someone for their b-day that wants nothing to do with you but he's in a bad place don't know if I should leave it or try don't even know if he would open it. Please give your thoughts.

[D-Lish]

I know it sounds harsh, but I wouldn't acknowledge the b-day.

He left you right? He took off and went into hiding. He did that for a reason. It's sending out the message "I just don't want to be found right now".

 

Patience is key here. You're going to have to keep yourself busy, and wait for him to come out of hiding.

 

Sometimes people shut down when they hit a certain point. SOmetimes people run away from their problems. Often, they do both.

My ex was so very similar. He broke up with me over the phone after a silly fight and never looked back- gave me very little explanation, and didn't allow me to have any response. But I know that is a pattern for him- he has never spoken to any of his exes after a break up.

 

You can learn a lot about someone according to past patterns.

 

It's no wonder he has learned to "shut off" in relationships with his past traumatic experience and the death of his mother. It's not healthy, and it's going to be a barrier to his emotional growth as a person. It truly sounds like he could benefit from some talk therapy.

 

I know you are left feeling abandoned. It's a good time to focus on the positive things you have going on for you right now. Keep busy, create distractions for yourself.

 

I am also recognizing that your boyfriend seems to be punishing you with his silence. My ex is also very good at that- and always has been.

 

Look after yourself, keep busy, look for the positives, create distractions.

Go to the bookstore and look up some self help books that may provide you with some insights and suggestions.

 

You're doing well with your patience.

D

[silentalways]

it is not my place to judge how someone decides to end things or how they feel it is best for them to solve issues that concern them. i respect whatever the reason is/was my ex left [and did nc] because i know that i hurt her heart during a rough time in my life and it is this reason i continue to struggle - it would be nice to help each other heal but i have no control over something like that. personally, a simple voice message is all i have needed to keep on track - silly eh. it would be so nice to just have a normal life again - i hope she is doing well and is happy.