New Here...and broken. Misery loves company

[lsmith76]

My boyfriend of 8 years (we shall call him "H") and I broke it off a week ago today. This is about the millionth time we have broken up. From day one he has neglected and taken advantage of me. I have 3 children (none of them are his) and he has lived with me for 8 years now and hardly helps me.

 

It all started from the beginning where my kids biological father left me for someone else while I was 6 months pregnant with our 3rd child. "H" was dating my kid's dad's sister but they broke up too. So he began to come by my house to check on my and make sure that I was okay. We were friends.

After awhile, it turned into something and it went from being friends, to him spending the night everynight. I was young (like 21 years old) and I didn't care at the time that he never came to see me during the day. He would show up at 1 in the morning and leave at 8 in the morning. I was just happy to have someone there. After awhile, I began to have feelings for him and so my dumb self let him move in with me even though he said he didn't want a relationship. I bent over backwards to make this man happy while he lived with me and went to the club everynight, blew his paychecks on clothes and stuff for himself, while I was getting disconnection notices on the bills.

He would even go out with girls and stuff and leave me at home! I got pregnant by him and had a miscarriage and he left me in the hospital to deal with it alone, he didnt even come see me or even ask if I was okay.

 

After awhile, he I guess fell in love with me and the other women, and the partying everynight stopped. He began to respect me a little more. However, he still wasn't paying any bills. He was job hopping and more interested in himself. My mentality at that time was...at least he's not cheating on me like my kids dad was...so I put up with it.

 

Here is some things I put up with....

* He went to a strip club and left me alone on Valentines day!

* I have never in my life been to a concert. Him and his friends were going to one and he told me I couldnt go because its a "guy's night out" and a few weeks later I found a phone number and called it. It was a girl he worked with stating that he invited her to a concert.

*He left me alone on just about every holiday throughout the duration of our relationship.

* He got a cell phone and didnt tell me about it (because he knew I would be mad because he wasnt helping with bills) It took me a month to find out about it.

*Electricity got shut off...he went to his moms to stay while I had to go to Human Services to get help to pay the bill.

*Drove my car with no license all the time...he only owed 500.00 on his fine BEFORE we got together...8 years later, it is still unpaid.

*I had to get surgery and had 28 staples in my stomach and couldnt walk. He took my car and left me in the house alone with my 3 little kids to care for and when I begged him to come home he refused. So I told him to bring me my car, so he had someone follow him and drop it off, then he left again. I didnt hear from him until the next day when he needed a ride to work.

 

And now for the reason we broke up LAST WEEK...

 

My bday was on November 14th. I never get to leave the house so all I wanted was for him to take me out on my birthday. I tried to get him to go the weekend before and he said he dont like going to bars no more. On my birthday he took my car to work. He is usually home faithfully by 11pm after work. He didn't come hom until almost 3am. He didn't call me at all and left me wondering if he was okay, or if he was in jail and my car was in the impound or what. So he comes strolling in at 3am , drunk, telling me that he went to the bar with his friend. Needless to say, my birthday was ruined, and I was mad because he didn't even call me to invite me to go or anything.

I guess he figured I would get over it.

I didn't....I am still mad.

 

I am angry at him for hurting me all of these years when I was so good to him. I am angry at ME for allowing this to go on for so long.

However, I am stupid stupid stupid because everytime we break up, I ALWAYS let him come back! He will wait a few days and call me up telling me how he misses me and can't breathe without me and he is sorry and wants to change. He says stuff like "My paychecks are yours now" He will wait until I am flat broke and need money desperately and he will offer to change and pay some bills. I will let him come back and he will act right for about a month, then he will stop helping again and we break up again until I take him back....

 

Why can't I let him go? Why do I love this man? Why do I let him run me down over and over and still take him back?????? I hate myself right now. I tell myself I am done for good this time, then he calls and its all over. I will be strong for a couple of weeks. I will last like 2 days of ignoring the phone, then I cant take it anymore. Why am I such a fool?

 

Plus...he has me so broken that I don't trust men anymore. I am afraid to even date because I dont want to get hurt again. I dont even know HOW to date because I have been in messed up long relationships since I was 15!

 

How can I break this cycle? I have been trying to stay busy. I have been going out with friends and I am fine, but as soon as all is quiet and I am alone, I get soooo depressed. I mean that "I can't breath and I feel like I am having a heart attack" depressed.

What can I do to avoid falling into this cycle again??? I am so tired of hurting and I know eventually I am going to cave. He called me twice today and I ignored the phone, but I know eventually I will pick it up....

[LakesideDream]

The circle of bad choices and sadness is endless. You are settling my friend.

 

Three kids by 21 years old. Deadbeat dad. Terrible living conditions. You need to make a complete break, and start over.

 

Use the Govt. Get re-established somewhere he won't bother you anymore.... and no more dating until your kids are grown.

[lsmith76]

I agree. When I was with my kid's dad, he held me back from accomplishing anything. When he left me, I was on welfare, high school dropout,2 babies and one on the way, no car or licence, ect. I had nothing.

 

I ended up going back to school, got my GED and my license and a car. Then I went to college. I just graduated a medical assisting program in September 2006, but theres not many jobs where I live. I have never really been out of my city and leaving is a huge step! However, there are no jobs or money where I am. (I am on the outskirts of Cleveland, which everyone knows is the poorest city in the United States)

[Guest]

I just wanted to reply to your post. I started reading your post and I couldn't believe how similiar our situations are. Only difference is I have no children. I can't imagine going through the same thing and having to raise your kids too. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I feel like I have to tell you a little about my story, so you can see how similiar it is. Me and my so called boyfriend have been on again off again for 8 years as well. I started seeing him, (mainly sleeping with him) and he made me feel very special. He said he was in a relationship at the time but it wasn't so good, and that his girlfriend just had a baby 2 months ago.

 

This was back in '98. Well, we had been around each other for only about a month and a half, and he begged me to let him move in with me and my parents. So I did, everything was cool, although he had to be driven to a pay phone to call his "ex" and see how his son was. I spent most of the first few months in the car, waiting for him to get off the phone. Of course, our relationship had to be a secret. He didn't want his "ex" to find out about us, for his son's sake. I was soooo stupid. So I found out he was still sleeping with his "ex". He told me only because she thought she was pregnant. I was devasted, but still I couldn't break it off. He would go to see his son, and be gone for days and not even call me. I heard from a friend at work that he was hanging around with another girl, that was the last straw, so I threw him out of my parent's house, but I told him it was my mother that wanted him out.

 

I only said that because I still wanted to continue seeing him. So we kept having sex, it seemed that is the only thing we have in common. I guess I just needed to feel wanted. So I moved out on my own so we would have some place to go that was comfortable. So he would come over and we would do the deed and he would leave. Of course, through all of this he has never had a driver's license so I would have to take him everywhere. I felt so good when he was there, but he would leave right after we were done, and I would feel so used. That didn't stop me. Even after holidays and birthdays I spent alone, I would still look forward to hearing from him. My birthday is Nov 14th as well. So after a few years he wanted to move back in, and things were going kinda good, he even had a job. Never gave me any money, never paid any bills, and after he would blow his paycheck on himself, he would want me to give him money for whatever.

 

Then we went through his drug problem, and I put up with it for a over a year. I couldn't put up with it anymore and through him out again. I still couldn't leave him alone. So anytime he would call, I would go running to give him whatever he wanted. He was arrested a few times and I would always get him out. So just a couple of months ago, he wanted to move back in, I was skeptical, but I let him. Everything was ok, he didn't have a job, but I wasn't as lonely. But in Oct he left one day, and I didn't hear from his for over 7 weeks. You would think after all that time I would have tried to move on. I couldn't. I couldn't eat or sleep, I couldn't concentrate, I would cry constantly. He went out of town, said there was a family emergency, and he was so wrapped up that he didn't even think of calling me. When he got back into town he found out there was a warrant for his arrest(violating probation).

 

He turned himself in, so he had been calling me 3 times a day, saying that he loves me and misses me so much. I was overjoyed. Today when he called he was so angry that he was still in there, and that I hadn't figured out a way to get him out of there, he hung up on me. I should have just said forget about him. But no, I go and post a $500 bail. Which I can't afford, just because I was worried that somehow his "ex" would get him out of there and that he wouldn't call me again. So I was happy to see him when he got out, but that was short lived. He told me to go on home and that he would call me after he was done seeing his probation officer and seeing him son. I told him that I would probably not hear from him tonight. He assured me that he would call me, cuz he missed me so much.

 

Guess what, I didn't hear from him, not even a stinking phone call. I get him out on bail that I cant' afford and he doesn't even come home to me. I know where he is, he is with him son and of course with him son's mother his "ex". I can only imagine in my head what they are probably doing right this moment. It makes me sick to my stomach, and what is worse, I know what will happen when he calls me. I will grill him about what he did, and he will lie to me, I will give in and say its ok and things will stay the same. She has know about us now for about 4 years.

 

Just recently she found out that we have been seeing each other for 8 years. Found out this through an email she sent him. She said she is done with him and has been for a while. She also said that she knows that all he wants is me. What is wrong with us women who get treated like garbage and continue to take it. I am soo sorry that this is so long, I just had to get it off my chest. At least you know you are not alone. I hope that your situation gets better. Good luck with everything.

[daphne]

I would rather become a lesbian than put up with what you two ladies put yourselves through.

 

I wish the two of you would get help on working on your self esteems, because you have none and in order to deal with men, you need a lot. They will always test you and your self respect. If you have none, you have nothing to negotiate with.

 

If you respect yourself, the quality of men you will attract will be higher. You are accepting what you get because you figure you'd rather have someone that makes your life miserable than no one at all. I'm here to tell you that being alone is a lot better than that kind of misery. You may not realize it because you've put up with it for so long and the initial parting can be so hellish, but it's true. You can make it on your own and you'll have a lot more peace without this drama.

 

I used to go to abused wives meetings to try to get away from my ex husband. I was very young and scared that I couldn't make it on my own without him. He beat the self esteeem out of me. I met a woman there named Arlene. She was overweight, had 2 children, and was married to an abusive alcoholic. I never thought she'd change because she had such a low opinion of herself. She was in her mid 30's. When I moved away to try to work it out with my husband, I got a letter from her. She moved out, lost a lot of weight, got a job for the first time in a long time, and filed for a divorce. She started dressing better, eating better, and dating a new man. She never looked back. When I saw what this woman who seemed to have nothing going for her decide to take her life back, I finally filed for a divorce myself.

 

If you want something better, you're going to have to do better. Life is really short.

[pureinheart]

The "men" these two ladies have described are nothing but spoiled rotton brats looking for a mommy to take care of them.

 

Shouldn't we love the things that are good for us, and hate the things that are destructive?

 

I'm not saying to hate them, just making a point....

 

Good luck to you both....so hoping you all kick them to the curb!

[silentcharon]

If you want something better, you're going to have to do better. Life is really short.

 

Daphne is right. I would rather be a lesbian too than put up with the amount of BS you ladies put up with.

 

If you respect yourself, the quality of men you will attract will be higher. You are accepting what you get because you figure you'd rather have someone that makes your life miserable than no one at all.

 

This is true- this is one of the things I have learned in the last few months. I didn't have much confidence either, so imagine how I felt when my ex of 7 years broke up with me last February. We went through a lot of things, but he never treated me the way your men did. Anyway, I was lost- I got diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis a few months ago, so that did not help me at all in terms of my self esteem- it was a devastating blow, on top of the break up. I also had to move out, and somehow find a place I could afford to pay as a student, as I was due to start college last september, in Calgary, one of the most expensive city to live in Canada.

 

I didn't know what to do- but I did something about it anyway. I found a place for myself to live, and a job that would guarantee me enough money to pay for rent and my food while I went to school full time. I had my sick days, where I couldn't go to work or school- I had no choice but to stay at home. It made things extremely difficult for me- but I did it. I found the strength in myself to make things work, and in the process, I drew strength from that fact I made things work for me. This was how I gained confidence.

 

If I can do it, so can you.

 

Kick their sorry butts to the curb and start doing things to change your life around.

 

It will be for the better, I guarantee you- even the single life would be so much better without these men in your lives.

 

Regards!