TYASAFAHICSI Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 Ok, sweetie, and how is THAT compatible with dating your sex reassignment chick ? Ha , I knew it was BS, funny as hell, but BS ! Not at all. This was a complete wrench in the works. I know there are gonna be issues ahead, but the soman I am dating now does indeed know all about kids their mother has custody. But thanks for taking on the awesome responsibility to try and find flaws in my posts--carry on and better luck next time. We now return back to our regularly scheduled programming!
melodymatters Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 Didn't mean to offend ! in fact be complimented because i woke up in the middle of the night and this all occurred to me, so you are haunting the dreams of a woman you never met !! Whatever the ' truth" may be I'm glad you've joined LS, your posts are always a pleasure !!
TYASAFAHICSI Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 so you are haunting the dreams of a woman you never met !! Woosh---that was the sound of that comment sailing completely over my head!
blind_otter Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 Not at all. This was a complete wrench in the works. I know there are gonna be issues ahead, but the soman I am dating now does indeed know all about kids their mother has custody. But thanks for taking on the awesome responsibility to try and find flaws in my posts--carry on and better luck next time. We now return back to our regularly scheduled programming! Well I was wondering, too....no offense or anything.
Mirage222 Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 I'd be PISSED if you did not tell me that you had not one kid but 3 - immediately upon meeting eachother. I don't like tricks like that. Aren't you suppose to be proud that you have 3 kids? Afterall you did have them.. why would you "hide" them? They will probably be around longer then any man, no?
Author tahoeblue Posted November 28, 2006 Author Posted November 28, 2006 Mirage222: Here is my earlier response to your question: ...Please note that withholding my multipara status was something I was considering doing in response to a trend of recent bad results. Many of you are right though, if a person has kids or not is a top 5 question. On a slightly different note, I generally don't tell everything to someone on a first date because some things are personal and my kids are as personal as it gets. Related to this, I also have concerns about attracting the wrong type of guy because I have kids... Again, thanks for the sanity check!
Freedom Now Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 I have even more kids than you do and NOT ONCE has a man deferred from dating me due to that fact. You come as a package. Be proud of it. The right man won't care.
Star Gazer Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 Westernxer -- While I don't want to change anyone's mind, I am curious to know what exactly makes a woman with kids a dating deal breaker? It really would help to understand the real underlying concerns so I can maybe feel less rejected personally when this happens. Thx See if this helps: They aren't rejecting YOU as a "woman with kids," they are rejecting YOUR KIDS. If you're as proud of a momma as you claim to be, you shouldn't ever want to be with someone who'd reject your children. It's been said before - many guys don't want "instant families," and having children present in the relationship makes it just that. Many may also have been a young child watching their mother date, and get their little hearts broken when they see guy after guy leave, and the men you date might not want to be a part of hurting your children. I really do think the best avenue is to find SINGLE men with children of their own.
DanielMadr Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 I have been divorced for over a year and I have dated a lot since the split. I have found that men tend to shy away from me once they learn I have three kids (ages 3, 4, and 9) or sometimes want just sex, which feels demeaning. I have a lot of strong qualities to bring to the table including good looks and figure. OK. So what do you want? You dont seek husband and you dont seek sex....hmmm...and what then? It is easy for us....we want to be your husband or your lover. end of story. anything different is from fairy tales.
HeadlessZebra Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 My story is similar to the OP, but different. I have one daughter and she lives with her father, and guys my age (early 20's) just aren't that into kids! I try not to tell them until we've gotten very close - by that point, they're so into me that they don't just opt out. Now, I don't LIE outright, I just circumvent the topic until the time is right. At my age, they don't tend to ask if you have kids, they assume you don't unless you explicitly say otherwise... so it's easy to "lie by ommission". Now, I see it this way... I am not doing anyone a great disservice by leaving that little factoid out, because my daughter and I are not, in fact, a package deal, since she doesn't live with me... it's not like the guy would ever have to play any sort of father role whatsoever. Now, you'd think that they would have common sense and figure "hey, well, if she doesn't live with her kid, what's the functional difference between her and a childless woman?" and give me an equal shot. But no, their minds don't work that way, you still bear the evil taint of motherhood, for some reason you're not as sexy, fresh and desirable as a non-mom. So I don't care how guys on here try to justify not dating mothers (too much hassle, responsibility, drama, etc.) because in my case none of that applies and yet I still get passed over (and I'm a free-spirited, youthful and attractive woman!!) So by avoiding the subject I avoid the initial prejudice against motherhood.
nicki Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 I see what you are saying. It's something you don't want people to prejudge you for until they know you and your situation. Just as long as you let the guy know sometime on the first date, so he doesn't feel duped. We all reveal things a little at a time, but the fact we have kids should be the very first thing to be revealed. Later we can tell the guy that we have a strange phobia about clowns, or Kenny G. music..... Anyway, I think the poster was dead on who said to mention the kids in a casual, upbeat way, and then move on to other subjects. Make it known that they are part of your life, the most important part, but easy and enjoyable. I also agree with the poster who said guys either think they want to be your husband or your lover. I've enjoyed time with both kinds of guys. Really, men are wonderful!!
Art_Critic Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 we have a strange phobia about clowns, Hey....
Art_Critic Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 Art Critic, can you cure me? :laugh: Sure.. I have just the thing.. Mr Wiggles... cure all for Clown Phobia By the way.. I agree with this statement: We all reveal things a little at a time I think in all relationships this is the case..
serial muse Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 I thought I'd drop in a note here...I'm on somewhat of the opposite side - a single woman (no kids) who doesn't want to date a man with kids. I'm in my mid-30s and was doing the online dating thing for a while. Although I had specified "no kids" in my preferences, I found that I was getting contacted by a number of guys who do already have children (many of the guys interested in my age range are divorced, and a fraction of them do have children). Which is fine - no harm in them asking, I guess. But then, when they contacted me to see how I really felt about it, I just had to reiterate my feelings on the subject. Because the fact is, I didn't want to date a man who already has kids. It's definitely not personal, and I can understand why it'd be frustrating (it's always frustrating when you feel like people are making decisions about you on a basis unrelated to your personality - that goes for other factors, such as age, as well). But I just didn't feel ready to take on that added responsibility - and I think that, ultimately, it is an added responsibility. If I already had kids of my own, I might feel differently about it. In another five years, I also might feel differently about it. But right now, I just know I'm not prepared to add that layer of complexity to my life. It was just a personal choice, and although at least one guy actually gave me a guilt trip about it (!!!) - to the point where I did wonder if I'm a horrible person - it didn't really change the fundamental fact that I knew I just didn't want that for myself right then. It wasn't about him (although the guilt trip didn't help his cause). I think that the posters who have advised you to be up front about it and think of it as a weeding-out process are right on. Whether or not that means finding a guy who also already has kids of his own, the bottom line is, he has to be willing and eager from the get-go to take on the package deal. And just so you know, I think there are lots of guys out there who are (if my own experience is any indication). It'll happen. But it's always best to be direct.
TheSilentType Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 I don't think you should necessarily blurt out that you have three children on your first date with a man. I think its fair that you both have a chance to first see if you even can stand each other as individuals before you bring in other aspects of your life. I'm not sure when you should start telling him about your children; it's hard to say when and might depend a lot on how you feel about the guy. Maybe the third or fourth date would be an okay time to tell...that way they won't have wasted too much time or money pursuing a situation that does not fit with what they want. Definitely do not delay for a long time telling the other person that you have children. It's unfair to let them build a connection with you only to bring in some new aspect to the relationship that they do not want to deal with.
a4a Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 I think I would be upset if a man I was dating waited to tell me about his 3 kids. For some that is an instant deal breaker. I get a scenario in my head of some guy putting out cash for 3 or 4 dates and the woman just keeping this VERY IMPORTANT info to herself. If he is so repulsed by the fact that you have kids, better to not waste your time. I say tell them up front.
nicki Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 Art Critic, Mr. Wiggles! :laugh: I did date a guy who didn't tell me about his child until our third date....but, his son lived with his mom out of state and there was a big story behind why he didn't see his son often. I understood why he waited a few dates to tell me, but I still think revealing children is a first date requirement. How long does it take to say "Hey, I have two kids who are with their Dad this weekend. Do you have any children yourself?" These days many young single guys have kids, even if they never married the mother, so it's a fair question. Then it's on to the next subject like "What is your favorite color?" (Just kidding on that one.) Really, though, just let a guy know that you are independent, willing and able to care for your kids yourself, that it is easy and a joy. Also mention how much you love sex....(you know, the whole Madonna/Whore complex...the completely well-rounded woman!)
Author tahoeblue Posted November 30, 2006 Author Posted November 30, 2006 OK. So what do you want? You dont seek husband and you dont seek sex....hmmm...and what then? It is easy for us....we want to be your husband or your lover. end of story. anything different is from fairy tales. Sex is great bewteen two people who agree to do it and there is a way to go about it and a way to blow it. For example, I met one gentleman at the library who I quickly found did not want to date me seriously because he actually expected I would have him over my home after the kids went to bed as our first "date". I mean, really...
Author tahoeblue Posted November 30, 2006 Author Posted November 30, 2006 I see what you are saying. It's something you don't want people to prejudge you for until they know you and your situation. Just as long as you let the guy know sometime on the first date, so he doesn't feel duped. We all reveal things a little at a time, but the fact we have kids should be the very first thing to be revealed. Later we can tell the guy that we have a strange phobia about clowns, or Kenny G. music..... This is great, spirited advice and I appreciate you getting the tenor of my note. It's really not a shame vs. pride issue.
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