tahoeblue Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 I have been divorced for over a year and I have dated a lot since the split. I have found that men tend to shy away from me once they learn I have three kids (ages 3, 4, and 9) or sometimes want just sex, which feels demeaning. I have a lot of strong qualities to bring to the table including good looks and figure. Also, the children have a good relationship with thier dad, seeing him frequently, so I am not looking for a dad for them. I am now thinking I need to change my strategy and not reveal I have kids at all when I first meet someone. Just deny until the person gets to know me first. I know it's dishonest, but I am tired of people judging me before they get to know me. Please let me know your thoughts about my proposed position and I welcome any general suggestions or thoughts about single parent dating.
Art_Critic Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 If you withhold the info that you have 3 kids then expect to be drop faster than a hot potato when you do tell them. In most cases you would have to lie as they will ask you if you have any.. Keep trying.. dating is a game of numbers.. you will find a guy that will be just right for you and your kids one day without lying.. You will notice I said your kids.. no matter what you say or believe a guy will always be a father role to your kids if marriage is in your future.. Remember...you are a package deal By the way.. if you are having troubling understanding this do a role reversal.. What if a guy told you he had never been married before and had no kids and then later youi find out that he was and does ? Bet you would drop him..
someone2 Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 Welcome to LS, tahoeblue, I don't think it is dishonest. We can call it umm... strategic gradual revelation of the facts, or any sort of crap like that. Seriously, yes, guys get scared when they find out something like that. The only solution is if they come to admire you for who you are first. So, in summary, I don't think it is a bad thing Just don't hide the truth for so long
Art_Critic Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 I don't think it is dishonest. We can call it umm... strategic gradual revelation of the facts, or any sort of crap like that. As a guy that has dated women with as many as 4 kids and at one time was married to someone with 1 kid, I can tell you that gradual revelation of 3 kids will only get you dumped..repeatatly The fact that you have 3 kids is something a potential date should know up front.. Just my 2 pennies
someone2 Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 As a guy that has dated women with as many as 4 kids and at one time was married to someone with 1 kid, I can tell you that gradual revelation of 3 kids will only get you dumped..repeatatly The fact that you have 3 kids is something a potential date should know up front.. I guess you know better, since I have never been in such a position myself. I stand corrected
jerbear Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 I would say it is not a good idea to withhold that for long. It is similar to some non-negotiables like wanting and not wanting kids. Not every single guy wants an instant family. Would I reveal it as part of the conversation on the first date, maybe if it did not come up naturally is one thing. If it came up naturally, you would have to give that info up. I would give up pursuit of a woman once finding that out, I would feel cheated if she told me after sex or seeing pictures hanging on the walls.
konfuzd Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 You think it's difficult to have people turn on you at the beginning when they find out you have children. It's only going to feel worse if you take the time to develop a connection and feelings for a person and then get bailed on. There are a lot of reasons guys freak out. I have encountered a similar situation, but it's not children, but my lifestyle that scares men off. I have a very successful career, own my own home, drive a brand new car and am only 25. This scares the hell out of most guys I date, and have had several run away, when they learn I don't "need" them, or they feel inadequate. I am very proud of all that I've accomplished in my life, and I will not pretend otherwise, just to score with some guy. If you are proud of your children, you should do the same, anything else is deceptive. If children are a dealbreaker for a guy, it's going to be a dealbreaker after a week, a month or a year, don't try to find some average joe and change him into what you want, find a guy who compliments your life. If you show these men that you are a dedicated mother, and take good care of your children, that speaks volumes as to your character. I had a guy hide the fact that he was a father. Him having a daughter didn't bother me, but the fact that he was a deadbeat dad did.
Author tahoeblue Posted November 27, 2006 Author Posted November 27, 2006 Often I get asked in the first few minutes of an initial phone conversation so I may not even get to have a date after telling a man I have kids. One man told me outright, "I don't date a woman with kids". Even though I was glad to know, it hurt to hear this. Like we are a tainted species. I have even tested this out when doing online profiles. When my "have children" status is no, I get a lot more hits than when I say that I have children. My kids are just an amazing bunch and have changed my life for the better. So sad that others could see them as just a liability.
westernxer Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 I couldn't date a woman with kids... I considered it once, but just couldn't do it. If you have kids, you almost have to go for guys with kids of their own. That's usually the way it works out.
jerbear Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 My kids are just an amazing bunch and have changed my life for the better. So sad that others could see them as just a liability. Very true, some guys are not mature enough or ready to be fathers. It is better to find out earlier than later.
climbergirl Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 My kids are just an amazing bunch and have changed my life for the better. So sad that others could see them as just a liability. I think that this (above)is what you should remember, because.. 1. Besides the fact that you shouldn't be deceitful, to initially deny their existance also projects that you are ashamed of them. (please don't take that the wrong way...your above statement shows you're obviously proud of them.) 2. You don't want to date someone who wouldn't like that you are a mother, right!?! Consider telling them about your kids as a good 'weeding out' process. Like you said, your kids have changed your life for the better--they are an asset and one of your strengths---and a man who doesn't see that/want that isn't worthy of you or your kids.
Author tahoeblue Posted November 27, 2006 Author Posted November 27, 2006 Westernxer -- While I don't want to change anyone's mind, I am curious to know what exactly makes a woman with kids a dating deal breaker? It really would help to understand the real underlying concerns so I can maybe feel less rejected personally when this happens. Thx
Road Rage Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 Some times to a man it is not the kids that are the deal breaker but the sorry ass ex husband that comes with the deal. Most of the time the woman is in constant contact and interaction with this dude because of custody arrangements. The whole drama with the ex is often the greatest challange. She will never be truly free of his sorry ass and any guy dating her has to be prepared for this endless drama.
Trialbyfire Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 I agree with everyone else. Tell them upfront before both or either one of you develop feelings for each other.
Stunner Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 Well, I have four kids myself so I understand. I have told everyone the moment it comes up in conversation during the initial meeting. I am bold enough that I was able to tell one man after telling him about them that I didn't want a serious relationship. No problem. The man I am currently seeing, who I now love...I told the night we met. I AM a package deal...no questions. They don't need a Dad either but anyone who I'm in a serious relationship with should be ok with spending time with them and being a friend. AND, if you want to weed out the men who only want sex, that might be a good way to do it. I say, why compromise who you are by not being generous with information about yourself? You are obviously a well adjusted woman with a lot to offer.
TYASAFAHICSI Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 A little off topic, but somewhat appropriate. I could not date a woman (at this stage in my life) that does NOT have kids. I am divorced and have three of my own that I share custody with their mom. Shyt happens--injuries, sickness, sports, school events, birthday parties, sleepovers, and on and on and on. Someone that does not have kids, does not understand the work it takes to juggle all this and will likely be resentful at some point. If my kid breaks his arm at his mom's, I am gonna drop everything and be at the hospital. A kidless woman could not understand that. With three kids, your new man will come 4th in your life--5th if you count yourself which you should. Right now with my kids being young, any woman I date understands that she is a priority--but not my TOP priority--my kids are and they probably will be till they fly the coop at 18. As for holding back the info, I agree--if you are divorced, and old enough to have three kids (trying hard to avoid the term middle aged here) questions about your marraige, divorce, family and kids are likely to come up. Say you do withhold the info and are now on a 2nd date...how do you bring that up? "Oh, didn't I mention that before? Ha ha I must have forgotten about them." Slam--the sound of the door shutting as he leaves! You are branded either as a deceitful liar or a flake.
IpAncA Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 Please don't lie to guys about you not having kids. I understand that you don't want to scare them off but there are guys out there who don't mind dating women who have kids. It happends all the time. If they can't accept that then their not worth your time. My brother for about 2 years was dating someone who had two kids. He was mature enough to do that and really liked the girl and didn't see her kids as a burden but as a plus. He met them and really like them and gave it a shot. They were going to get married but she had a really hard time letting him take the husband/father roll when it came to the children. He didn't want to replace their dad but that wasn't the point. He wanted to be involved and not just be a financial provider which I can understand. Not saying that is you but if you met the right guys in the right places and who don't get turned off by women having children then you could met some decent guys. Get to know them first before you ask them on a date.
westernxer Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 Westernxer -- While I don't want to change anyone's mind, I am curious to know what exactly makes a woman with kids a dating deal breaker? It really would help to understand the real underlying concerns so I can maybe feel less rejected personally when this happens. Thx I refrain from women with kids because I don't want to deal with someone else's kids, period. And I love kids, as long as I don't have to deal with them on a daily basis. Yes, it's selfish, but don't take it personal.
Yamaha Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 Why are you trying to hide them from your dates? If you are not looking for a dad then you are looking for a sexual relationship and companion for yourself. If you tell them this upfront and they are not looking to be a dad things should work out. They probably get scared off thinking you are looking for someone to help you raise your kids ( Also guys might be gun shy thinking if they fall for you and want more you come with kids).
nicki Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 Hi. I have kids and have not seen it affect my dating life one bit....Hmmm, maybe I haven't even noticed the guys who don't want to date me because I have kids. I get asked out quite frequently (so don't worry, you will too.) But, then again, maybe it's because I always mention my kids in initial conversations. Just to be clear. If some guys don't take it further and ask me out. That's okay. I figure it's a preference. Just like I don't like smokers. I don't even KNOW about the men who don't ask me out because I have children. So my feelings don't get hurt. There are many wonderful men out there! It's much better dating now than it was the first time around. Many men have kids and will like the fact that there is no learning curve with you. You both share and understand the whole parenting thing. And some guys don't have kids and won't mind that you do. Go for those guys and forget about the other guys who don't want to deal with kids. That's okay. They have that choice. You have a choice, too. You want someone who will want what you want. Just be honest, and don't make a big deal of having kids. Talk about your kids, but remember that you are a woman with many facets to talk about. Most men admire a good mother. But they also want a woman who is sexy, stimulating, smart and happy, and who will spend time alone with them. In fact, I usually don't bring boyfriends around my children. I prefer to date only on the weekends that the kids are with their father. I like to keep it separate until it gets serious. I'm protective of my kids. And, it's funny, but most men WANT to meet my kids and beg me to invite them over. You'll be okay. You will find some great guys out there, even if you have to kiss a few toads along the way. And it feels GREAT to have a guy really love and accept you for all that you are...mother and woman!
blind_otter Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 I have been divorced for over a year and I have dated a lot since the split. I have found that men tend to shy away from me once they learn I have three kids (ages 3, 4, and 9) or sometimes want just sex, which feels demeaning. I have a lot of strong qualities to bring to the table including good looks and figure. Also, the children have a good relationship with thier dad, seeing him frequently, so I am not looking for a dad for them. I am now thinking I need to change my strategy and not reveal I have kids at all when I first meet someone. Just deny until the person gets to know me first. I know it's dishonest, but I am tired of people judging me before they get to know me. Please let me know your thoughts about my proposed position and I welcome any general suggestions or thoughts about single parent dating. Dude, that is just so creepy. Never hide your children from dates. I would feel duped and angry if I was seeing someone for a while before they told me they had kids. It's my choice whether to date someone with kids or not. I would be angry if they took that choice away from me.
orangele Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 I think that the fact that you have 3 children would come up very quickly in the initial get-to-know-you type of conversation which most people have on the first date, or even in the first telephone conversation. Indeed, even if it did not come up, and a woman did not mention something about kids if she had them, I would think it very odd of her not to mention it. As a parent, your children are likely at the center of your world, and should be. From my standpoint, I could even see a woman with children as being a positive. A woman who appeared very loving, caring and responsible toward her children, would tell me something about her character. On the other hand, a responsible guy might be scared by multiple children because this would be a huge responsibility for him to take on if the relationship grew.
Author tahoeblue Posted November 28, 2006 Author Posted November 28, 2006 Thanks for the many responses -- especially from the male perspective. Please note that withholding my multipara status was something I was considering doing in response to a trend of recent bad results. Many of you are right though, if a person has kids or not is a top 5 question. On a slightly different note, I generally don't tell everything to someone on a first date because some things are personal and my kids are as personal as it gets. Related to this, I also have concerns about attracting the wrong type of guy because I have kids... Again, thanks for the sanity check!
Author tahoeblue Posted November 28, 2006 Author Posted November 28, 2006 You'll be okay. You will find some great guys out there, even if you have to kiss a few toads along the way. And it feels GREAT to have a guy really love and accept you for all that you are...mother and woman! Thanks for sharing your positive and empowering story. Made me realize quickly how this issue has gotten me down and it really shouldn't!
melodymatters Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 A little off topic, but somewhat appropriate. I could not date a woman (at this stage in my life) that does NOT have kids. I am divorced and have three of my own that I share custody with their mom. Shyt happens--injuries, sickness, sports, school events, birthday parties, sleepovers, and on and on and on. Someone that does not have kids, does not understand the work it takes to juggle all this and will likely be resentful at some point. If my kid breaks his arm at his mom's, I am gonna drop everything and be at the hospital. A kidless woman could not understand that. With three kids, your new man will come 4th in your life--5th if you count yourself which you should. Right now with my kids being young, any woman I date understands that she is a priority--but not my TOP priority--my kids are and they probably will be till they fly the coop at 18. As for holding back the info, I agree--if you are divorced, and old enough to have three kids (trying hard to avoid the term middle aged here) questions about your marraige, divorce, family and kids are likely to come up. Say you do withhold the info and are now on a 2nd date...how do you bring that up? "Oh, didn't I mention that before? Ha ha I must have forgotten about them." Slam--the sound of the door shutting as he leaves! You are branded either as a deceitful liar or a flake. Ok, sweetie, and how is THAT compatible with dating your sex reassignment chick ? Ha , I knew it was BS, funny as hell, but BS ! As for you, mom of three, my best advice is to tell them up front but make it really CASUAL. If YOU act like your kids are a pain it might scare somone, but if you can just casually be like " yeah, I have three great kids, really well behaved, they spend the weekends at their dads " and move on with the conversation, hopefully the fact that your not fazed by it, will convince them that you have everything under control and they will not get dragged into some unwanted drama !
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