It was inevitable (long, drawn out, and all too familiar)

[Jubilee Kate]

I have spent the weekend alone, trying desperately to deal with my breakup. I've been journaling a lot, and crying non-stop. I guess this is what I get for trying to cheat my way out of the recovery process. I spent the better part of the past month trying to pretend the whole situation wasn't a big deal, that all was well, and that I couldn't be bothered with it. I kept busy, went out with friends, did my own thing. And then BAM - I was out with one of my guy friends the other night at a bar and it hit me, couples surrounded us and I just started crying in the middle of the bar. I couldn't control it either - it's as if the tears wouldn't stop coming out no matter what I did. I was so embarrassed. I apologized to my friend and told him that I needed to leave immediately. If this is the depression phase, then I have anger to look forward to next – hey, at least that means a lot less crying.

 

 

*Background (sorry for the length) - Dated a man for five months and I broke up with him a month ago after coming to the edge of my rope. Even though I was the dumper, I feel as though he led me to dump him for the last two months of the relationship.

 

When the relationship began, I ignored the giant RED FLAG reading "commitment phobe" that he proved to be later. I couldn’t ignore it anymore after he revealed to me just how NOT over his ex wife he was one night as we lay in bed – he told me about a conversation he had with her where he told her how he’d always love her just as the first day he fell in love with her, but that they just weren’t good as a married couple. I was mortified that he thought this was an appropriate conversation to have with me while we were cuddling in bed naked. I got out of bed to take a long, hot, Karen Silkwood-esque shower, feeling completely gross and disgusted at this point, and he realized that his post coitus comments were inappropriate and tried to dig himself out of the hole. It didn’t last much longer after this. I became distant after realizing that he really was always talking about the ex, and finally I had a conversation one night about it with him. He stopped talking about her, but that didn’t change anything, because then he started going to talk to other people about her instead. I broke it off by telling him that he and I were in two different places in our lives and looking for different things and that I really didn’t think he was available. His answer to me was, “What do you mean? I’m always available for you?” “ Um, Blank, not to be harsh, but you are probably one of the most emotionally closed off people I’ve ever met.” “ Oh, yeah, I thought you meant physically, I am definately not emotionally available right now.” He said he respected my decision and cared about me, but I was right, blah blah, he didn't want to lose my friendship, blah blah... and I believed he was being honest and sincere so I remained friendly with him. Big mistake!!!

 

Cut to two weeks later, the guy won't stop calling me, texting me. I am no longer calling him or chasing him - in fact, I have no desire to do this anymore. He does a complete 180 in behavior. Saying everything I want him to say and acting exactly as I'd always wished he would before. He takes me out on a "real date" and actually, "pays,” which if you knew him, you'd know was a huge deal. He starts introducing me to family members, except his kids, but he tells me he wants me to meet his kids. The thought that should have been going through my head is “oh god, here we go again, he's coming on super duper strong.” Something within me knew this wasn’t quite right, but something within me still held onto some hope I guess. I was cautious, but eventually I gave in. Unfortunately, it was all an act and now, not only did I not have an emotional counterpart, the relationship had been downgraded to less than I’d had before – we were now unofficially, FWB (although, I doubt we were even that, because giving it a label was probably way too much of a commitment, and also unofficial, since he was playing with me like things were back as they were before.) Luckily, the part of me that opted for some semblance of self-preservation wouldn’t allow myself to chase him, so I wouldn’t call him, text him, or contact him in any way unless he initiated it. Hey, I already feel stupid, so I have to give myself any credit I can, k?

 

All right, so cut to one month ago, it was my Birthday. We had spent a night together a week before and four days before my b-day he calls me. I remind him that it’s coming up over the weekend and ask him if he wants to hang out with me that night, he declines, saying he’s going out of town, but retorts, "we'll hang out when I get back sometime and I'll buy you a cupcake or something." That was it for me, I'd finally had enough of the fake friendship. That was the last little push I needed to see exactly how little I meant to him. I deleted his number from my phone, and all of his accounts from all of my virtual/online sites. I was emotionally tapped at this point and wanted nothing more to do with him. He knew I was pissed and had every right to be. If he had any brains whatsoever, he would have left well enough alone, especially if he was trying to show me to the door in the first place. But NO. He had to give me a few last good kicks in the rear, and being the good sport that I am, I let him. Kick one came when he called me two weeks later like it was no big deal, like we were old chums and like not a day had gone by since we’d last talked. No mention of the missed B-day. Just small talk. My anger was at boiling point, but instead of screaming, I got off the phone quickly, deciding this would be our last phone call ever. Two days later, I pulled a Brittney Spears on him, not because I wanted to be spiteful or cold, but because by this point, I was such an emotional wreck that I just couldn’t talk to him. All I said was, “[blank, I need time to get over this and move on. I can’t be your friend right now, but take care of yourself.] I figured he’d also be smart enough to leave this alone. But when had he ever left anything alone? He called in five minutes, I picked up and he fed me a bunch of bs about how sorry he was, how he never meant to hurt me, how he was sorry he couldn’t be what I needed, and he just wasn’t there yet. I spent the entire time listening to this, trying to figure out a way to reach through the phone and knock his teeth out. I didn’t believe a single word. Nothing else he said had ever been sincere..

 

 

 

VENT! Ok, I feel better now...

[D-Lish]

I have spent the weekend alone, trying desperately to deal with my breakup. I've been journaling a lot, and crying non-stop. I guess this is what I get for trying to cheat my way out of the recovery process. I spent the better part of the past month trying to pretend the whole situation wasn't a big deal, that all was well, and that I couldn't be bothered with it. I kept busy, went out with friends, did my own thing. And then BAM - I was out with one of my guy friends the other night at a bar and it hit me, couples surrounded us and I just started crying in the middle of the bar. I couldn't control it either - it's as if the tears wouldn't stop coming out no matter what I did. I was so embarrassed. I apologized to my friend and told him that I needed to leave immediately. If this is the depression phase, then I have anger to look forward to next – hey, at least that means a lot less crying.

 

 

*Background (sorry for the length) - Dated a man for five months and I broke up with him a month ago after coming to the edge of my rope. Even though I was the dumper, I feel as though he led me to dump him for the last two months of the relationship.

 

When the relationship began, I ignored the giant RED FLAG reading "commitment phobe" that he proved to be later. I couldn’t ignore it anymore after he revealed to me just how NOT over his ex wife he was one night as we lay in bed – he told me about a conversation he had with her where he told her how he’d always love her just as the first day he fell in love with her, but that they just weren’t good as a married couple. I was mortified that he thought this was an appropriate conversation to have with me while we were cuddling in bed naked. I got out of bed to take a long, hot, Karen Silkwood-esque shower, feeling completely gross and disgusted at this point, and he realized that his post coitus comments were inappropriate and tried to dig himself out of the hole. It didn’t last much longer after this. I became distant after realizing that he really was always talking about the ex, and finally I had a conversation one night about it with him. He stopped talking about her, but that didn’t change anything, because then he started going to talk to other people about her instead. I broke it off by telling him that he and I were in two different places in our lives and looking for different things and that I really didn’t think he was available. His answer to me was, “What do you mean? I’m always available for you?” “ Um, Blank, not to be harsh, but you are probably one of the most emotionally closed off people I’ve ever met.” “ Oh, yeah, I thought you meant physically, I am definately not emotionally available right now.” He said he respected my decision and cared about me, but I was right, blah blah, he didn't want to lose my friendship, blah blah... and I believed he was being honest and sincere so I remained friendly with him. Big mistake!!!

 

Cut to two weeks later, the guy won't stop calling me, texting me. I am no longer calling him or chasing him - in fact, I have no desire to do this anymore. He does a complete 180 in behavior. Saying everything I want him to say and acting exactly as I'd always wished he would before. He takes me out on a "real date" and actually, "pays,” which if you knew him, you'd know was a huge deal. He starts introducing me to family members, except his kids, but he tells me he wants me to meet his kids. The thought that should have been going through my head is “oh god, here we go again, he's coming on super duper strong.” Something within me knew this wasn’t quite right, but something within me still held onto some hope I guess. I was cautious, but eventually I gave in. Unfortunately, it was all an act and now, not only did I not have an emotional counterpart, the relationship had been downgraded to less than I’d had before – we were now unofficially, FWB (although, I doubt we were even that, because giving it a label was probably way too much of a commitment, and also unofficial, since he was playing with me like things were back as they were before.) Luckily, the part of me that opted for some semblance of self-preservation wouldn’t allow myself to chase him, so I wouldn’t call him, text him, or contact him in any way unless he initiated it. Hey, I already feel stupid, so I have to give myself any credit I can, k?

 

All right, so cut to one month ago, it was my Birthday. We had spent a night together a week before and four days before my b-day he calls me. I remind him that it’s coming up over the weekend and ask him if he wants to hang out with me that night, he declines, saying he’s going out of town, but retorts, "we'll hang out when I get back sometime and I'll buy you a cupcake or something." That was it for me, I'd finally had enough of the fake friendship. That was the last little push I needed to see exactly how little I meant to him. I deleted his number from my phone, and all of his accounts from all of my virtual/online sites. I was emotionally tapped at this point and wanted nothing more to do with him. He knew I was pissed and had every right to be. If he had any brains whatsoever, he would have left well enough alone, especially if he was trying to show me to the door in the first place. But NO. He had to give me a few last good kicks in the rear, and being the good sport that I am, I let him. Kick one came when he called me two weeks later like it was no big deal, like we were old chums and like not a day had gone by since we’d last talked. No mention of the missed B-day. Just small talk. My anger was at boiling point, but instead of screaming, I got off the phone quickly, deciding this would be our last phone call ever. Two days later, I pulled a Brittney Spears on him, not because I wanted to be spiteful or cold, but because by this point, I was such an emotional wreck that I just couldn’t talk to him. All I said was, “[blank, I need time to get over this and move on. I can’t be your friend right now, but take care of yourself.] I figured he’d also be smart enough to leave this alone. But when had he ever left anything alone? He called in five minutes, I picked up and he fed me a bunch of bs about how sorry he was, how he never meant to hurt me, how he was sorry he couldn’t be what I needed, and he just wasn’t there yet. I spent the entire time listening to this, trying to figure out a way to reach through the phone and knock his teeth out. I didn’t believe a single word. Nothing else he said had ever been sincere..

 

 

 

VENT! Ok, I feel better now...

 

It does feel better to vent doesn't it?

I do it all the time here!

 

Nothing worse than being involved with an emotionally unavailable person. My recent ex was the same. He'd never really gotten over the pain of his ex gf from 6 years ago. She broke him, and he never recovered. We barely lasted a year before I felt him pulling away. He too talked about his ex at length.... should have been red flag for me.

 

Men like that are more trouble than they're worth. The fact of the matter is that he never would have made you truly happy. You sound strong and rational- important tools that will make your break up easier!

 

He didn't turn out to be the man you hoped he would be. You deserve better. Dating someone in that position is just bad news. You can bet you'll go on his lists of regrets in life. He just isn't ready to face a new relationship at this moment.

 

When the smoke clears and he comes to terms with his former loss, he'll think of you and wish he'd handled things differently. I wouldn't doubt that he'll come crawling back again... and your best revenge is that you'll have moved on and won't want him back.

 

After my divorce, it took me a good 3 years before I was ready to be a real partner to someone again. I'm betting he's just got crap to go through before he can be emotionally available to anyone else. And this of course has everything to do with him, and nothing to do with you.

 

Sorry he's been hurtful to you,

Take care,

D

[daphne]

Kate,

 

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this nonsense. My ex pulled the same garbage of contrition. It's smoke and mirrors. Fortunately, I held him at arm's length so we never became fwb. It still hurt nonetheless.

 

Your ex probably wasn't any better or more available to his wife. Why do you think they couldn't make it work out? I don't think he's relationship material to begin with. Let him pine over love lost. Move on and find someone more suitable. Hell, just about anyone would be.

[Jubilee Kate]

Thanks for the reply D-lish and Daphne.

 

Wouldn't it be nice if people came with warning labels pasted on their foreheads like those refrigerator energy rating labels? It sure would make life a little bit easier! Ah well, a girl can wish, right?

 

I guess what I'm grappling with above all right now is discomfort, if that makes any sense. It was very uncomfortable when he was telling me he was sorry for hurting me. Whether or not he was sincere I'll never know, but it makes no difference. I still wanted to scream, but instead I just cried. Sitting in traffic on my phone, I had to try to hide the fact that I was crying because I didn't want him to know it was bothering me at all. I guess I felt like he had already taken so much from me, that he wasn't going to take the last of my dignity as well. Yes, he hurt me, very much, but the fact that he knew I was hurt bothered me way more than the fact that he hurt me.

 

For the record, I may be sad now, but I do know I made the 100% right decision. I wasn't happy in it and even though I'm not happy now, I know I will be better off and have brighter things to look forward to. Spiteful me is just waiting for the day, though, when the dirty bastard calls me up someday, when I'm a little bit stronger and when I have the nerve to tell him off. Ok, so maybe that's some anger kicking in now...Sane me knows if it ever happens, it won't even matter by then.

[D-Lish]

Thanks for the reply D-lish and Daphne.

 

Wouldn't it be nice if people came with warning labels pasted on their foreheads like those refrigerator energy rating labels? It sure would make life a little bit easier! Ah well, a girl can wish, right?

 

I guess what I'm grappling with above all right now is discomfort, if that makes any sense. It was very uncomfortable when he was telling me he was sorry for hurting me. Whether or not he was sincere I'll never know, but it makes no difference. I still wanted to scream, but instead I just cried. Sitting in traffic on my phone, I had to try to hide the fact that I was crying because I didn't want him to know it was bothering me at all. I guess I felt like he had already taken so much from me, that he wasn't going to take the last of my dignity as well. Yes, he hurt me, very much, but the fact that he knew I was hurt bothered me way more than the fact that he hurt me.

 

For the record, I may be sad now, but I do know I made the 100% right decision. I wasn't happy in it and even though I'm not happy now, I know I will be better off and have brighter things to look forward to. Spiteful me is just waiting for the day, though, when the dirty bastard calls me up someday, when I'm a little bit stronger and when I have the nerve to tell him off. Ok, so maybe that's some anger kicking in now...Sane me knows if it ever happens, it won't even matter by then.

 

It would be great if people came with warning labels! It would also be great if Advil made fast acting liquid gels deisgned to get rid of heartache within minutes of taking it. Unfortunately, that's something we can only take care of ourselves....

 

These kinds of guys just aren't worth the time and effort. My ex came with a whole host of issues. The list is endless. I've been reading a lot of self help books with a lot of insightful information. And it's funny, but I got a lot of insight into many of the behaviours as they applied to my ex. His inability to connect and bond, the stubborness, resentment...the list goes on and on.

 

You seem to have your head on straight though. It's difficult for many of us to do~ seperate the logic from the heart. I'm not there yet, I know my ex was wrong for me, but the heart still aches. And despite the realization that he is no good for me, I'd take him back in a heartbeat.

Silly huh?

 

So I admire that you can see the whole picture and make a good decision for yourself, despite the temptation. That's strength, and you obviously have a lot of respect for yourself. Those are solid qualities.

 

That doesn't lessen the pain. I can totally understand why you gave him a second chance when he came on full throttle. You forgave him and trusted what he said. You needn't kick yourself for that.

 

I agree with Daphne, this guy was probably always emotionally unavailable- and most likely will live out his life that way. That's the reality he lives in.

 

Chin up!

D

[Trialbyfire]

Wouldn't it be nice if people came with warning labels pasted on their foreheads like those refrigerator energy rating labels? It sure would make life a little bit easier! Ah well, a girl can wish, right?

 

Oh, I only wish. Red lettering please.

 

EMOTIONALLY DISABLED

 

ME, ME, ME

 

:laugh:

[Gala]

I've wished for those warning labels, too. Oh - and "memory eraser," ala "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind."

 

J-Kate, a lot of what you're describing looks like the behavior of someone I dated a few years ago, complete with the sabotaging of the relationship so that YOU had to do the dumping. He was so slippery, though, that he wouldn't have let me know at any point that he considered me "FWB."

 

He called me earlier this year, out of the blue, at 11 at night...although I'd been awakened out of a sound sleep, my "flight" instinct kicked right in. Very politely, I told him I hoped he was doing well but that it was better if we didn't speak. I have had to block his e-mail, and I think I get hangups on my voicemail from him every once in a while (this has been happening very sporadically for about 2 years, and if it happens any more I may need to get the phone company involved).

 

Anyway, bon courage! It will get better!

[Speedo]

hm. This is an interesting thread. Sounds very familiar, but I'm on the other end of it. You're right to just let him be, and to be angry, Especially after all of that he still isn't ready. But I can say that it is possible to be sincere when you've been the "emotionally detached one." My recent ex was the one who came onto me, and I was the one who wouldn't go any further. She pulled away, and it made me realize that I loved her to death. I know the difference between love and "wanting what you can't have." I know she feels the same way you do, that my apologies, feelings were smoke and mirrors. Maybe your ex's are, but I know that mine was not. I really tried to show her how I felt, but it was already too late. This experience has woken me up to how painful it can be when one person is not on board. But had she been able to give me that chance, I would have been all there, and everything she always wanted in me. It's not that these guys are inherantly like that. It takes past heartbreaks to make you build up a solid defense against emotional pain of that magnitude. Thats how I was anyway. People like him just need to learn that love is risk, and if you're ever going to be in a meaninful relationship, you need to take that risk. I've learned this the hard way, and I do know how you feel.

[Gala]

Speedo -

 

I do know that not all guys with ex-wives are inherently disingenuous. Mine, as it happens, was (and is) bipolar, which I didn't know till after the relationship. This made his behavior in divorce mode worse, and I guess it's given him some rough times since.

 

I've been "not ready" at some points in my life as well. It's just hard when someone shows themselves as ready and then very clearly isn't.

[Jubilee Kate]

I've wished for fast acting Advils and memory erasers ala "Eternal Sunshine," but for now I'm just trying to cling onto any positives I already have going for me.

 

D-lish - I've been reading a lot of self help books as well, and a friend and I have joked that we'll soon need to start a self-help book sharing club to cut down on the cost. But it's helped a lot, some of them I've read three and four times. It's not silly at all, I think all of us have had thoughts of taking an ex back at some point. It's familiar and these are people we've shared our lives and experiences with - and it's very easy to concentrate on the good times and forget a lot of the bad things over time. That's the downside to time healing wounds...

 

I don't really think I've fully separated logic from heart, I just know that it's over and there's a peace to that. Part of what killed me was the never knowing when he was going to come and go, and just when I thought I'd finally gotten rid of him, he'd pop back up and my pain would start all over again. I'm not really all that strong, at least I don't feel strong right now, but I am stubborn, that's for sure!

 

Gala-I'll work on those warninga labels, maybe a scarlet A for A**hole?

 

It's amazing how our intuition guides us like that! Congrats to you for having the composure to end the call quickly but politely, you have something he sure doesn't - Dignity.

 

Speedo- Thank you for offering your input from the other side. It was actually nice to hear and made me feel a lot better, even if I will never know whether my ex is the same way. Just knowing that it's possible that someone out there can be emotionally distant and still care, well, I guess that's all I ever wanted to hear, that it was "possible" that he ever may have cared.

[melodymatters]

I too am sorry for everything you've gone through Kate !! As for warning labels, if you've ever bought or sold a house, there's a from that NEEDS to be completed called a "disclosure form".

 

My wish is that that was also required for relationships, and if they lied you could sue them like in real etstate !!

 

Cheating history __________________________________-

 

Committment ability level______________________________

 

Desire for marriage or children_________________________

 

etc !!!!!!!

[BannaBee57]

Hey, I've been there with the whole "crying in the middle of the bar" thing. It wasn't pretty and of course about 5 people that I knew decided to show up right when it happened. That's my luck for you

 

But, it gets better. Now that you are actually dealing with it I think you will find the light at the end of the tunnel soon!

[D-Lish]

Well JK,

Stubborn works in this situation.

You stay away from him because a small part of you knows that you are still vulnerable.

 

So, don't believe you're not strong. You've made a choice to step back and remove yourself from a painful situation. That in itself requires strength and logic. Try and look at it that way.

 

So, in essence, you really have seperated your head from your heart.

Unfortunately, that doesn't mean you're not hurting.

 

That too will get better with time.

Ahhh, I've read some really good self help books and some really ridiculous ones. I especially hate reading the ones that hammer into your head that your ex isn't into you or thinking about you or wanting to hear from you.... rub it in why don't you? lol

 

D

[Jubilee Kate]

Melody - No kidding!! I think there was a comedy sketch about that I saw a while back where there was a service available for a complete dating history printout, complete with details from all their exes perspectives, before you went on the first date. In that case, though, I wonder if anyone would ever date again??

 

D-lish- Hahaha, but the guy that wrote that book has his own TV show now, so you have to take his word as gospel! I put that "not into you" book on the bottom of the pile long ago, it never really offered any help in any situation for me personally. The ones that have helped the most recently have been about ambivalence and commitment phobia.

[Guest]

Anyone have any books to suggest on this? It's been two months since my breakup and I think I am coping well enough, considering. I just don't want to linger on this. I want to get over him and date other people. I'm at that point, however, that I sense my friends are sick of hearing about it, you know how they see your relationship without the rose-colored glasses...I'm ready to throw mine out!

 

Sorry to hijack, just would love suggestions for books that don't make you feel like crap

[D-Lish]

Anyone have any books to suggest on this? It's been two months since my breakup and I think I am coping well enough, considering. I just don't want to linger on this. I want to get over him and date other people. I'm at that point, however, that I sense my friends are sick of hearing about it, you know how they see your relationship without the rose-colored glasses...I'm ready to throw mine out!

 

Sorry to hijack, just would love suggestions for books that don't make you feel like crap

 

Well, there are books that give you insight into yourself, and books that give you insight into others.... depends what you're looking for.

 

DON'T READ: "He's just not into you", or "It's called a break up because it's broken"... I hated those books and got nothing out of them.

 

It really depends on what kind of info you are looking for. I like reading things specific to me (ie: my anxiety)... so it feels like I'm working on myself. I haven't read a break up book that helped me. The "cutsie" tip laden ones just plain suck. Try reading something a little more formal and stay away from the girlie-girl quick reads. I read one that had freakin recipes in it for snacks and pies in between the silly one liners that are supposed to make you feel better.

 

"He's not into you.... so why not bake and eat this delicious pie, then invite your female friends over to share while you cry and watch sad chick flicks..." Ummm, I'VE BEEN DUMPED A$$-h**E, I DON'T WANT TO EAT THE DELICIOUS PIE... I WANT TO KNOW HOW TO GET MY EX BACK AND GAINING TEN POUNDS FROM EATING PIE ISN'T GOING TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN!

 

haha.

 

Seriously Girl, just posting here has been my best outlet. What's better than being able to get all your thoughts and feelings out to people who are going through the same thing and want to listen and help... and it's anonymous! SO, you can be truthful without fear of judgement.

It's like group therapy.

[Gala]

Weeell, I'm back at the 'Shack remembering all this because I relented in my policy...and am regretting it. I'd met this guy, had major chemistry, pulled back because his divorce is 1) still pending, and 2) pretty nasty. Then I changed my mind, just to see how it went...arrrgghhh!

 

He chased me till the second date...and has pretty much faded away. Yes, it is way better that it happened now rather than later, but geez.

 

No more Divorce Rehab!

 

I, too, want to go buy another batch of self-help books. I do have How to Survive Your Boyfriend's Divorce, which I bought toward the end of the last relationship...and kept since I was approaching 40 and thought I might need it again. It also has great advice on subjects like timing for meeting kids and such. One of the great phrases that comes up in it is the notion of the Next Girlfriend as the Savior Princess -- doesn't that just say it all?

 

I did find myself glancing over the weekend at He's Just Not That Into You, and unfortunately it reductive - doesn't take into account what might have happened in the guy's life, etc. One very funny online article criticized the book for making it OUR burden...i.e., where's the book on How Not to Be An A-hole, and what would be the chances that demand from 20 and 30-something guys would put THAT on back order?

 

There's also The Boyfriend Test, which is a little on the "pop" side but not bad. And altho I'm quite the WASP, I've also looked at The Sistah's Rules, by Denene Miller...very refreshing.

 

While driving yesterday, I found myself wanting advice from Karl Rove...not on relationships, God knows, but on how to find men in my age range who have been divorced for between 5-7 years (or more). He is a direct mail guru, so he'd know how to target that demographic...complete with any other variables one wanted. Of course, it would mean talking to Karl Rove, which I'd avoid in any other context!

[Jubilee Kate]

Books that I found helpful in my personal situation:

"Be Honest--You're Not That Into Him Either: Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve"

"The Commitment Cure: What to Do When You Fall for an Ambivalent Man"

and "Men Who Can't Love"

 

Like some of the others here, I found "He's just not into You" and "They Call it a Breakup Because It's Broken" to be pretty much rubbish.

 

Just as an aside, I got an email yesterday from my ex-boyfriend (not the recent one, but my last relationship that broke up in 2003 ) who wanted me to know he's getting married in a couple months. I opened it at work and immediately went into breakdown mode - I had to go out for a smoke. I mean, seriously, I just want a little solace away from all the happy couples for a bit! I know that's selfish, but that's where I'm at.

[D-Lish]

Books that I found helpful in my personal situation:

"Be Honest--You're Not That Into Him Either: Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve"

"The Commitment Cure: What to Do When You Fall for an Ambivalent Man"

and "Men Who Can't Love"

 

Like some of the others here, I found "He's just not into You" and "They Call it a Breakup Because It's Broken" to be pretty much rubbish.

 

Just as an aside, I got an email yesterday from my ex-boyfriend (not the recent one, but my last relationship that broke up in 2003 ) who wanted me to know he's getting married in a couple months. I opened it at work and immediately went into breakdown mode - I had to go out for a smoke. I mean, seriously, I just want a little solace away from all the happy couples for a bit! I know that's selfish, but that's where I'm at.

 

Ahhh, happy couples and the holidays approaching...

It's all so freakin "a bit too much"!

I'll never forget the phone call at work from my husband (we were recently seperated at the time and trying to figure things out) who bawled his eyes out and told me that he had "accidentally" gotten a waitress pregnant on a business trip. Oops! Hmm, made it a little difficult to function at work that day....

 

Ah, but on to more recent exes and the destruction they have left in their wake... I can't wait for x-mas! It's going to be soooo great being alone...again.

 

Those books you mentioned sound interesting, I'll have to pick them up!

Thanks for the info!

Chin up!

D

[Gala]

Being alone during the Xmas season isn't too fun...but being with a messed-up person during the holidays is much worse!

 

D-Lish - the waitress episode sounds just awful! I have to say - I think that married guys may often be accustomed to unprotected sex, then they "date" someone else and function like 16-year-olds...

 

Kate - I've gotten news of ex-es' engagements at some unfortunate times as well...of course, it's horrible to find out when you're at work...

On a better note, I'm on good terms with my college boyfriend...it took us a LONG time to be friends (over 10 years), and I think he even hoped to rekindle something a while back, but that wasn't going to happen. We talk about twice a year, and he even told me about an engagement that blew up on him. He moved on to one that worked, and married earlier this year. It is really comforting to know that it's possible to be friends with someone I was angry at for so long. (I will admit, though, to a perverse belief that it took him 18 years to get over me enough to marry! )

 

Thanks for the book titles. One other book I've found very comforting is In the Meantime, by Iyanla Vanzant.