ICS Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 Since breaking it off with my ex 2 months ago, I have been talking to her once every little while, until about a week ago, when I told her that we should never talk to each other again, as we give each other nothing but pain. I feel that it might be easier for her to get over me and that her feelings for me have all but diminished because she has close friends unlike her, plus the fact that she already went out on two dates with a new guy. Friday this week I became ill and still havent recovered from the awful fever. I have been doing fine not thinking about her or wanting to talk to her until then. I followed some guidelines of what to do by other members on this forum, and I have been keeping myself busy with my studies and many things that I wouldnt normally do, just to stay away from thinking about her. But does taking one step forward lead to taking two steps back? Most of us have probably experienced how it feels during those times when we are reminded of our ex and just want to talk to them. That was how I felt last night, and inevitably, I contacted her once again. This time around, I felt more at ease talking to her, telling her that I do not wish to know any juicy little details of her new love life, and that I just want to have friendly conversations with her from time to time. So, my question to you all is, am I doing anyone any favours by still keeping in touch with her? And what draws the fine line between those of us who can still be friends with our ex and those who cannot? Your comments are appreciated.
D-Lish Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 In my experience, it is next to impossible being friends with an ex until you're not in love with them anymore. You have to have that cooling off period, the time to heal and recover. I suspect that the real reason for maintaing any sort of contact is because we have hope of a reconciliation. However, having said that. Minimal friendly contact can also provide some semblence of closure for some. It's a means of saying good-bye, by taking small steps. If the contact is friendly, then both of you can move on feeling better about how things ended. If you're still in love with her- I'd stick to no contact until you're over it. Otherwise, it may be an obstacle to healing. D
BatteredByLoves Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 I understand where you're coming from ICS.... I'm currently 8+ months down the road from my ex and right now, I'm talking to her as friends, she's currently dating someone so whenever we talk I tell her to leave him out, and she does that, and all we did was just talk about friendly matters, of course I still miss her and love her dearly, but in a way, I think I have grown up and love her even more now... Back then it was the fact that I NEEDED her and love her, now I really dont' need her, I can love her and be by her side. Yes, I know, that's bad for me, but, you can love someone without having them.... -BBL
Author ICS Posted November 27, 2006 Author Posted November 27, 2006 D-lish and BBL, thanks for your input. I also sometimes question why I want to remain contact with her, but never could I come up with any real substantial answers. My best guess is that over time-especially after I get a new SO in my life, I won't have to talk to her from time to time, but that has yet to happen. Either way, even after all the unspeakable things she has done, I still miss her and love her. After all, she was my first girlfriend, and without her peronsonality disorders we would've probably worked out, but that would also just be wishful thinking. I think sooner or later I'll have to walk the lonely road for good, but we'll just have to find out. And yes, just like BBL said, I love her now even though she is not mine anymore. In fact, before I dated her and we were still friends, I often contemplated if I should risk asking her out and potentially losing our friendship forever. Really, I would rather have her as a friend forever and be by her side than be in a relationship that might end up as us being distant strangers. =(
Giver Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 I'm going through a similar situation at the moment. My ex and I have been broken up for about 5 months and have occasionally been meeting up as friends etc and it was really important for me to do this, keep our friendship. But now I am at the point where I recognise that even though I don't want to let him go, I NEED to. He is with someone else and being around him while I still have these feelings is holding me back. I am about to enter into NC which I think will be better for our friendship and me as an individual in the long run. you shouldn't let your feelings for her become a prison. Remember, the only difference between a comedy and a tragedy is distance.
FallenTree Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 I think it depends on what the two of you can handle. If you both are not in love, then fine, and if you both don't mind being in contact but not having the same type of attention that you once had.
D-Lish Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 D-lish and BBL, thanks for your input. I also sometimes question why I want to remain contact with her, but never could I come up with any real substantial answers. My best guess is that over time-especially after I get a new SO in my life, I won't have to talk to her from time to time, but that has yet to happen. Either way, even after all the unspeakable things she has done, I still miss her and love her. After all, she was my first girlfriend, and without her peronsonality disorders we would've probably worked out, but that would also just be wishful thinking. I think sooner or later I'll have to walk the lonely road for good, but we'll just have to find out. And yes, just like BBL said, I love her now even though she is not mine anymore. In fact, before I dated her and we were still friends, I often contemplated if I should risk asking her out and potentially losing our friendship forever. Really, I would rather have her as a friend forever and be by her side than be in a relationship that might end up as us being distant strangers. =( Listen, when you find a new, happy relationship- you won't want to talk to the ex at all! I guarantee that. You mentioned she did some unspeakable things? Just keep remembering those things... that will help you get over it quicker. In my experience, I have found that the person being dumped tends to idealize the relationship, gets stuck in the memories of the good times. If you stop and think about it, I am sure you will realize that the relationship wasn't near perfect, and probably not worth saving. Try and look at the relationship from an outsider's perspective. What would an impartial observer say about your relationship had they been privy to every detail?
Author ICS Posted November 29, 2006 Author Posted November 29, 2006 D-Lish, what you said was true. The biggest problem though, is that it'll be a long time until I can / should get into a new relationship, seeing how badly this one ended. I keep telling myself that I want this friendship with her, but more and more now it seems impossible to keep it. Since we didn't break up that long ago, I still "expect" us to be able to talk all the time. Truth is, however, that she seems to be giving me the cold shoulder, and half the time I don't even know if she is ignoring me deliberately or just because she is too busy with her new guy. Either way it shouldn't bother me, but to be completely honest, it does both me a little, especially since she is only making my life more complex and difficult. Yesterday we were having a very brief conversation on the computer. I do not recall the circumstances, but her words annoyed me, and I became angry and emotional and yelled at her, and poked at how bad her personality was and how poorly she treated me in the past. Admittingly, it's very hard to maintain a friendship when I am prone to explode at her. During our relationship I often looked for support and advice from loveshack and from my friends whenever she did those unspeakable things. Many of the time, the consensus was: big red flag. I was always told that it wasn't my fault and that I deserve someone better. However, I was also too afraid to let go because I didn't know what the world our there was like. In a way I was too hopeful too, always telling myself that she'll one day change, and that I let myself put up with her nonsense over and over again, until I finally left. But you know how it is, 5 years of being together with anyone can last a huge scar emotionally, and letting go completely has been very hard thus far.
D-Lish Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 Well, I wouldn't suggest jumping into another relationship anytime soon. You have to take the appropriate amount of time to grieve and get over it. Will she change? Perhaps. Perhaps not though. Five years is a long time to be with someone. Believe me, I know. I was with an ex for seven years...and it took me at least 3 years to get my head on straight following that break up. that doesn't mean I was in pain for all that time. But, I had stuff to work out, and I wasn't ready to make a committment to anyone for a long time. On the bright side~ I did do a lot of growing during that time. This is your opportunity to grow. I also talked to my ex pretty much everyday following our break up, and you know what? All that did was make my recovery more difficult. You won't get over her if you remain in contact. Regardless of whether or not it's over forever, or just for now... you have to treat it like it's forever, or you won't heal. It's been over three months since my recent ex broke up with me... and I'm still feeling a lot of pain. But we don't speak, and I know in my head that it's good for both of us that we don't. Try out NC in small increments. Set a goal of no contact for a couple days to start, then when you reach that, reward yourself and try for another week. Before you know it, a month will have passed... And you'll feel better. It does get easier. Take care, D
Author ICS Posted December 1, 2006 Author Posted December 1, 2006 The other day I said to myself: "If I am going to make things right once and for all, I have to be bold with my decisions." And so, I finally deleted her from my contact list, no longer having the hesistation to check to see what she is doing or what her new picture looks like. In a week her birthday will be coming up, and every year she makes it as though it were a rule to acknowledge her birthday(this year as well). Would it be so wrong to send her a birthday card? Sure, two of my birthdays in recent years turned out to be complete hell with her, but I think I still have half a heart to write her something, or maybe not? I dug up a birthday card that I picked out for her a few months ago, when we were still together. Looking at it just brings back unwanted memories. I could get rid of it by sending it to her or stashing it away forever, what's the better thing to do?
Gala Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 ICS - The connection to this girl is what is causing you pain. You don't need to feed it anymore...get used to that. Get comfortable with that. I wouldn't save the card. I also wouldn't send it. I would dispose of it somewhere OUTSIDE your house so that you get it out of your environment entirely. This may sound cold, but you need to take care of yourself...
Double D Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 WOW! Some awesome truthful responses out there. ICS I am going through something simular. My ex and me wanted to stay friends and for about 3 weeks we still talked and texted loads, even though I was (still am) going through loads of pain I was thinking that I still want to be part of her life and her to be part of mine. Well in the last week we have had no contact from each other. I have had many times where I have wanted to give her a call or a text but have so far resisted temptation as I think it is still to difficult and for the time being I am going to not have any contact with her. It horrible though because I care about her so much and miss her dearly its ridiculous but think if I am going to get over this I cant have any contact with her. I need to get her out of my head because it is not healthy. So I believe stick to your guns and remember the type of person you are and that a partner would be lucky to have. Try to keep positive and stick at it mate. Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?
D-Lish Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 I agree with NOT sending a card. It just doesn't do you any good to add fuel to the painful fire that is still burning.
Author ICS Posted December 18, 2006 Author Posted December 18, 2006 I got through her birthday without talking to her or sending her a card, and I thought I was doing just fine until tonight. Most of today was spent with a friend of mine, we talked and caught up on old times. However, the more we talked, the more I began to compare her to my ex and how much more intimate and fun our conversations would be. I don't know how to stop getting reminded of her. Really, memories of her come up everyday and lately it's been getting worse, especially tonight after seeing a casual female friend. I just want to stop thinking about her, but I am begining to realize how much I miss her and how much I want to talk to her. Help!
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