EnigmaXOXO Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 She has successfully been able to make me look like the bad person, and at one point I even admitted I was the problem here. How **damn pathetic of me, I feel so sick inside that I could become such a freaking **ssy. You know Dar, when you love someone, you give them the benefit of doubt until the facts finally surface and prove otherwise. The fact that you loved her enough to try and find the positive rather than the negative doesn't make you a wussy, it simply means you are able to love on a level she may never be capable of. And the label "pathetic" belongs to the person who is foolish enough to betray and continue to abuse that kind of love … and not to the person victimized because their heart left them vulnerable. Instead of kicking yourself, it might be time to finally kick this toxic relationship out of your life for good. At the end of the day, you'll be a helluva lot happier for it than her.
Author Rooster_DAR Posted November 29, 2006 Author Posted November 29, 2006 You know Dar, when you love someone, you give them the benefit of doubt until the facts finally surface and prove otherwise. The fact that you loved her enough to try and find the positive rather than the negative doesn't make you a wussy, it simply means you are able to love on a level she may never be capable of. And the label "pathetic" belongs to the person who is foolish enough to betray and continue to abuse that kind of love … and not to the person victimized because their heart left them vulnerable. Instead of kicking yourself, it might be time to finally kick this toxic relationship out of your life for good. At the end of the day, you'll be a helluva lot happier for it than her. Thanks everyone for all you support, you truly are great people. Silence it has been, and silence it will stay. Time for Rooster to have fun and enjoy being single again. Cheers!!!!!!
jmargel Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 Personally I never liked that site, askmen.com only because the men on there are self-serving egoistical jerks. If you read their replies to any post they are always the same. It's also a way those guys can get cheap shots in on you just because their lives are miserable. It took me a counselor and two psychologists before I was able to truly convince myself that I wasn't 'crazy', 'paranoid', 'controlling', 'hurtful', etc.. that my wife would constantly say to me while she was lying behind my back. I later realized the reason she did this was because she had no defense when I confronted her about the situation. So in her eyes the best defense is a strong offense. As long as she put me on the offensive and laying blanket statements not only was it distracting from the real issue, but it was an excuse or reasons that justified her behavior. I went through the same emotions as you, first anger, then tons of questions, then trying to be sweet.. However in the long run that didn't get me anywhere because she was not facing any consequences. They were all words. She knew it, and I knew it. Her immaturity was partially to blame and I had to learn how to deal with her like you would deal with a child. I set an ultamatium and then consequences and I stuck by them! She was either going to go NC and invest 100% into this marriage or she was leaving the house. She first would agree, but then I felt really never took me seriously. Then as the psychologist mentioned that one day I would snap, that the boundaries would be crossed. That morning came, and I demanded that she leave, that I was done with this all. I thought she would jump at the chance because everytime we had an agrument about the situation she was so fast to say she could leave very easily, etc.. However, I was wrong when I demanded she leave she was like a deer in headlights, for once she didn't know what to say because I did the unexpected. It was only then did I realize that I have quite a bit of power in this relationship it was just that I didn't know how to use it. Only then did the head games stop. So from my own experience and the experiences of others on here, what works is 'Tough Love'. If they decide to leave anyways then you just saved yourself months of torment. However the only way to get answers is to go this route. I admit you have to be a strong person to do this, but you have to take that chance. I keep saying the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. It's time for a change.
Mz. Pixie Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 It took me a counselor and two psychologists before I was able to truly convince myself that I wasn't 'crazy', 'paranoid', 'controlling', 'hurtful', etc.. that my wife would constantly say to me while she was lying behind my back. I later realized the reason she did this was because she had no defense when I confronted her about the situation. So in her eyes the best defense is a strong offense. As long as she put me on the offensive and laying blanket statements not only was it distracting from the real issue, but it was an excuse or reasons that justified her behavior. Dar, you should listen to Jmargel. Some of us gave him good advice but it was hard for him to move forward without a counselors help. Perhaps one might help you?? It is possible to recover from something like this. Just don't "let" the situation turn you into to a permanent victim. I used this logic when I was dealing with the abuse that I suffered as a child. In reality, even though you don't feel like it now, there are worse things to suffer than your fiance leaving you. You may not want to hear that, but it's true. So, make a decision that you will not let what she's done turn you into something that you don't like. Because, it's simple really- if you do, she's won. Bottom line. If I'd given in to the abuse when I was growing up and let it rule my entire life then I would have become a permanent victim. And, by doing that, and letting it ruin my life- then they would win. And above all, I was not going to let them win. They'd done enough to me already so I decided I would not let them rent space in my head for the rest of my life. Do not let her win by allowing this to sour you for the rest of your life. Because I can assure you, that the situation will not define her relationships for the rest of her life, and will probably only bother her for about a week or two before she finds her next victim. So, why should you let it bother you eternally?? Think about that.
InaPanic Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 the fact people called you a pussy really makes me mad. there are a couple on this site that have insinuated that about my husband because he stayed with me after i cheated. No, to me the spineless wimpy thing would have been to tuck tail & run but he has agreed to stay & fight for our marriage. YOu are a strong person, stronger than you imagine or can possibly feel about yourself right now. all you did was believe the woman you cared about. that doesn't make you foolish or stupid it makes her deceitful & sneaky. I have to argue this point with my husband often as he also feels foolish & stupid. But you all are not! Unless you are hooked to someones side 24/7 they can find a way to cheat if they want to bad enough. And unless you are a total paranoid freak you are not going to suspect everything your wife or g/f does as cheating. C'mon, these men that tell you that are totally only trying to kick someone while they are down. Don't you dare believe that bull****! I wish i knew what to advise you on your ex. I would think if she wanted to work things out then she should prove to you that she can live alone. Without the OM & without you. But mostly she should have to show you OM is 100% out of her life. I also don't understand the sex thing? maybe it's from guilt as i know i suffered from that & still do but am getting better. Best of luck hun.
Art_Critic Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 my husband because he stayed with me after i cheated. No, to me the spineless wimpy thing would have been to tuck tail & run but he has agreed to stay & fight for our marriage. ... Leaving someone who cheats.. who breaks their vows of marriage.. who disrespects another.. when did leaving someone that does these things become spineless ?.....NOT You just need to count your lucky stars that you still have a husband...and it isn't because your husband is macho it was because he valued his love for you more than starting a new life without you. TuckTail and run isn't spineless in a cheating situation.. it is the proper response for such a self serving act as cheating..
Freedom Now Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 ... Leaving someone who cheats.. who breaks their vows of marriage.. who disrespects another.. when did leaving someone that does these things become spineless ?.....NOT You just need to count your lucky stars that you still have a husband...and it isn't because your husband is macho it was because he valued his love for you more than starting a new life without you. TuckTail and run isn't spineless in a cheating situation.. it is the proper response for such a self serving act as cheating.. Agreed.
InaPanic Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Sorry, don't agree, not trying to hijack Roosters thread so i'll say this & let it drop but in a marriage where there are years together & kids involved when men such as yourself give advice to other men that they are pussy's for staying with their wives after an affair is just wrong. First of all you don't know anyones situation until you've lived their life, it's very easy to come on these boards & dish out advice left & right. And especially if you've been betrayed and/or left by a spouse then you are bitter & rightfully so. But that still doesn't give anyone the right to suggest that every affair is the same and that every one should end by splitting up. This is how i feel & nothing you can say will change that. Yes i am very very lucky to have the husband i do, one that is willing to forgive me & try to work on our marriage & move forward because of his love for me, because of our children & because of all that we worked for. And yes, it would have been SOOO much easier for him to have said '**** it' as soon as i confessed & moved on with his life. Much easier. Then he could be a bitter & angry poster on these boards perhaps.
Art_Critic Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 First of all you don't know anyones situation until you've lived their life, it's very easy to come on these boards & dish out advice left & right. And especially if you've been betrayed and/or left by a spouse then you are bitter & rightfully so. There is nothing worse than a poster backing up their position with.. you don't know my life so therefore you cannot comment on it... Come on... I've been married.. Divorced.. Kids.. I know how it all works... Saying that a man is a sissy for leaving a woman that cheats on him is just plain crazy... you don't want to believe that it could've happened to you .. Your husband is a good man.. no doubt he took his vows to your marriage more seriously than you did.. and for that you should count your lucky stars.. I would like to say that I also don't think a man is a sissy for sticking it out because he loves a woman that treated him and their marriage like a doormat.. Nothing wrong with trying to save a marriage.. I was in MC for a couple of years trying to save mine.. and no I wasn't a sissy for trying.. I myself stuck with my marriage for years longer than I should have because of my vows and the love I had for her at the time.. I also stayed specifically the last year because of the child... But in the end I had to divorce her to save my life... Oh.. and by the way.. your condescending tone about being a bitter and angry poster on these boards if a man choses to leave his cheating spouse is also off the mark and was an unnecessary poke
Mz. Pixie Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 But that still doesn't give anyone the right to suggest that every affair is the same and that every one should end by splitting up. I don't think he is saying that. However, every affair IS the same. In the end it's the same result- one person cheats. It's not "special" or justified or any of those things. In the end, one person has sex with someone outside their marriage- so in that respect they are all the same. The actions that lead up to the marriage being vulnerable to an affair are not always the same, but ultimately it's the cheater who steps over the line and not the BS. Rooster- what did you think about my comments???
Author Rooster_DAR Posted November 30, 2006 Author Posted November 30, 2006 I don't think he is saying that. However, every affair IS the same. In the end it's the same result- one person cheats. It's not "special" or justified or any of those things. In the end, one person has sex with someone outside their marriage- so in that respect they are all the same. The actions that lead up to the marriage being vulnerable to an affair are not always the same, but ultimately it's the cheater who steps over the line and not the BS. Rooster- what did you think about my comments??? Thanks for your comments Mz. Pixie, definately words of wisdom. I am a smart man so I will eventually get over this and not sour. I'm just not the sour kind of person, maybe a little pissed off right now but I'll be aight! I have been doing more research on human pairing and mammals, and I have always felt that humans are not much different from other mammals and animals by nature. We are more intelligent but I am leaning towards the idea that humans are not naturally monogamous (but they are capable of monogamy). One scientist noted that people who are able to maintain monogamy in a relationship tend to have a higher level of intelligence and maturity, while people that fall into cheating and affairs are sort of clumsy. Most of the articles I read by scientists and phycologists state that being faithful certainly hold great benefits, and the few couple that can sustain that kind of relationship will encounter lifes most valuable treasure. I myself as a scientific person, have always felt that humans are like other animal life, and that we are not naturally positioned to remain monogamous. Humans have cultured men and women to believe that this is the case so we are all brought up with this value. Historically, women have really been the focus of monogamy, and they have had their values instilled into them by religion and man. Anyway, that's a whole other subject and I'm rambling on here. I feel much better the last couple of days. If I can just stop remembering the person I used to love so much, I would probably not have much trouble at all. It's all the little things you remember that kill you the most. Thanks everyone!
Djaba Posted December 2, 2006 Posted December 2, 2006 I've just joined this site today and this is my first post. I've recently gone through something broadly similar to what rooster has gone through, although in my case we've been married for 3+ years. I won't bother with details at the moment because although I'm still grieving, and because in grieving emotions can be all over the place, I haven't really had any moments of serious doubt about going through with the divorce. I guess I just wanted to say thank you to rooster for sharing your story, and to the other posters for lots of helpful comments that have confirmed for me that I'm on the right path. I've found reading this thread very helpful.
Author Rooster_DAR Posted December 2, 2006 Author Posted December 2, 2006 I've just joined this site today and this is my first post. I've recently gone through something broadly similar to what rooster has gone through, although in my case we've been married for 3+ years. I won't bother with details at the moment because although I'm still grieving, and because in grieving emotions can be all over the place, I haven't really had any moments of serious doubt about going through with the divorce. I guess I just wanted to say thank you to rooster for sharing your story, and to the other posters for lots of helpful comments that have confirmed for me that I'm on the right path. I've found reading this thread very helpful. Hey Djaba, Welcome to LS. My story is not anything unusual, and when you start reading around on this website you will be amazed at how many other people are going through exactly the same thing. I have spent countless hours here and researching modern relationships and it's really brought a lot of things to light for me. First, without this site I would be in much worse shape than I am now. Second, once you understand this is happening everywhere without discrimination, and you begin to search for the reasons why, you really begin to see the picture. Why don't you post your story when/if you feel like it, maybe we can help you with some advice or just get if off your shoulders. Cheers!
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