Ladyjane14 Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 She sent me a text a few minutes ago saying that she thinks we are meant to be together, but it's just to soon for a reconciliation right now. "So... I hope you'll understand that I'm not quite sure if I'm really finished with the OM yet. Do you mind percolating nicely on the backburner for awhile until I figure out what I want? Pretty please." WTF???? :confused: Play a game with me for a minute, Rooster. Say it's YOU who stepped out a year ago, and it's YOU who initiated the break-up. Now... say it's YOU who just realized that you let the best thing in your life go. You've got to have her back! What are you gonna do next?!! Tell you what you probably wouldn't do... you probably wouldn't be shuffling your feet and wasting daylight. Women aren't so much different from men in that respect. If we want a guy... we aren't going to show him empty pockets emotionally. We're going to get in the game and show him he's important to us. This girl is still hedging her bets if you ask me. I think I'd give her some space to pull her sh*t together and tell her to call me when she's ready to act like someone. Maybe I'd be around.... but then again maybe I wouldn't.
nicki Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 I think it is key to understand that she is asking you to commit to her by saying that she wants to know by x-mas if things are going to work out with the two of you.....and that's crazy! She needs to make up HER own mind. No one should do it for her. She isn't allowed to have you on the back burner while she waits to see if she wants the other guy. You are not a consolation prize. You ARE the prize. I certainly wouldn't want to be with anyone who wasn't sure they wanted to be with me. Tell her what I told a boyfriend who put me in the same situation. I said:" I only want to be with someone who wants only me. Call me when you have completely ended all contact with the other person and when you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it's me you want to be with. Maybe I'll be available. Maybe I won't be, but that shouldn't matter. Even if I can't be with you, if you love me, then you shouldn't be with the other person." Anyway, in the end it came down to my pride. If I was going to wait for someone, I wasn't going to do it while they were figuring their stuff out right in front of me. Let them get their stuff together, and then call. You are not her therapist. You don't have to help her think things through. Of course she should have been honest with you. That's expected behavior, not special behavior. You still have the right to be pissed off about what happened. So, back away and let her work things out on her own. Tell her if he doesn't get his car out of YOUR garage in one week, you are calling a tow truck. Then do it, and nicely notify her/him where the car is... (Easier said than done, I know!)
Author Rooster_DAR Posted November 27, 2006 Author Posted November 27, 2006 "So... I hope you'll understand that I'm not quite sure if I'm really finished with the OM yet. Do you mind percolating nicely on the backburner for awhile until I figure out what I want? Pretty please." WTF???? :confused: Play a game with me for a minute, Rooster. Say it's YOU who stepped out a year ago, and it's YOU who initiated the break-up. Now... say it's YOU who just realized that you let the best thing in your life go. You've got to have her back! What are you gonna do next?!! Tell you what you probably wouldn't do... you probably wouldn't be shuffling your feet and wasting daylight. Women aren't so much different from men in that respect. If we want a guy... we aren't going to show him empty pockets emotionally. We're going to get in the game and show him he's important to us. This girl is still hedging her bets if you ask me. I think I'd give her some space to pull her sh*t together and tell her to call me when she's ready to act like someone. Maybe I'd be around.... but then again maybe I wouldn't. That is the best point I have seen, that is so true. I feel like a real idiot, and hipocrit. I give all this advice to posters and yet I cannot even follow my own advice. When we broke up, I tried my best to be more of a selfish as***le, but it only worked for a while and I discovered that's just not who I am. I am a great fair man, and that's something I cannot change. But, I will not allow someone to use me as a doormat and right now I feel like have had lots of muddy shoes wiped on me. I have some work to do. I need to let go of the person I used to know, because she died a long time ago. Thanks everyone, I will take things one day at a time and get through this cr*p!
whichwayisup Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 I give all this advice to posters and yet I cannot even follow my own advice. Hate to tell ya this babe, but this goes for everybody...It's so much easier to give out advice than take it! Take care and try to have a break from all this stuff. Go out, have some fun with a buddy, shoot some pool or something.
nicki Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 Lady Jane, I was typing my post at the same time you were posting yours. You and I are on the same page! Rooster, don't be so hard on yourself. It's so easy to give advice. There's no personal stake in it....but, it's so hard to live it, especially when you love someone. You are doing great. Just the fact that you are evaluating things shows that you are trying to think clearly. You are right: the woman that you thought you loved is gone. There is a new woman in her place that you don't like very much....so you are grieving.... I know you will be fine down the road. Right now, it hurts because the situation is all wrong and you know it....the question to ask yourself is "What do I do next?"
Ladyjane14 Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 You are not her therapist. You don't have to help her think things through. Of course she should have been honest with you. That's expected behavior, not special behavior. Actually Nicki, I think it's your post #27 where the hammer hits the nail.... particularly this part quoted above. :bunny: Hang in there Rooster. Mind WWIU and take some time off from thinking about all this mess.
Mz. Pixie Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 "So... I hope you'll understand that I'm not quite sure if I'm really finished with the OM yet. Do you mind percolating nicely on the backburner for awhile until I figure out what I want? Pretty please." WTF???? :confused: Play a game with me for a minute, Rooster. Say it's YOU who stepped out a year ago, and it's YOU who initiated the break-up. Now... say it's YOU who just realized that you let the best thing in your life go. You've got to have her back! What are you gonna do next?!! Tell you what you probably wouldn't do... you probably wouldn't be shuffling your feet and wasting daylight. Women aren't so much different from men in that respect. If we want a guy... we aren't going to show him empty pockets emotionally. We're going to get in the game and show him he's important to us. This girl is still hedging her bets if you ask me. I think I'd give her some space to pull her sh*t together and tell her to call me when she's ready to act like someone. Maybe I'd be around.... but then again maybe I wouldn't. I agree. She's hedging her options. "If Om won't pay my bills, maybe Rooster will" She wants to wait to see what he is going to do, or perhaps he even broke up with her and she's wanting to see if he's coming back. Come on, Rooster, you deserve so much better.
Ladyjane14 Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 ... perhaps he even broke up with her and she's wanting to see if he's coming back. I dunno, Pix. Maybe there IS trouble in paradise. But then there's this: When we got back to the house, we started talking again and she was now saying she feels awkward when I try to hold her hand, and she can't think about sex around me, and she's confused. That almost sounds like someone who's made a promise of fidelity to someone else and is trying to keep it. Weird enough, if that's the case.... Rooster himself is cast in the role of OM.
Author Rooster_DAR Posted November 27, 2006 Author Posted November 27, 2006 I agree. She's hedging her options. "If Om won't pay my bills, maybe Rooster will" She wants to wait to see what he is going to do, or perhaps he even broke up with her and she's wanting to see if he's coming back. Come on, Rooster, you deserve so much better. If this is really true, then I would be very stupid to even consider going back. But, how do you really know what the truth is? I don't know what to believe. I really believe that she loves me, but what kind of love is it? Perhaps I'm just I'm just seen as more of a brother type love and not a lover? Thanks
jmargel Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 Rooster, this goes beyond what she is doing right now. This is all due to her immaturity and if you marry her this will continue. Good chance it was the way she was brought up. In a good relationship both parties are at the adult stage, right now you are the 'parent', she is the 'child' --] Parent --] Adult --] Child This child is trying to get the best of both worlds, living the wild side with this OM, while having you (Dad) being there to support her when she falls. Sorry, but unless she realizes what she is doing and going to counseling, nothing will change. If you really want to see where this is going quick, tell her the following: 'If you want us to work out, then all contact needs to be stopped between you & this OM. Also, we are going to counseling'. 'If you can't do that, then I am moving on with my life without you.. forever'. Love tough and consequences need to be instated here. She is just playing head games with you, buying time. This is a challenge for her, a game.. And again it's due to her immaturity. Unless you get and deal with the root of the problem, the leaves on this weed are going to grow back again and I can almost guarantee in a few years you'll be here once again saying 'My wife has been cheating on me..' The only way to win this game, is to not play it.
Mz. Pixie Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 I really believe that she loves me, but what kind of love is it? Perhaps I'm just I'm just seen as more of a brother type love and not a lover? Thanks The greatest indication of future behavior is past behavior. Look at what she's done so far. It's very very hard to change when you've been unfaithful once. Take it from someone who knows. Perhaps she does have love for you, but honestly it sounds like she is using you. If I were her- and I were trying to get you back- then my behavior would be totally different. Hell, I'd be throwing some on ya all the time and I certainly wouldn't be having OM"s car parked at my house. Do not listen to what she says- observe what she DOES. This will tell you volumes.
Author Rooster_DAR Posted November 27, 2006 Author Posted November 27, 2006 I cannot do this anymore, I want to end this here and now. I have picked up my cellphone to send a message but keep stopping, and I am trying to decide the most clever approach. Part of me says just leave her with complete silence, and the other part want to say something like "I cannot continue a relationship with you, we are over" or something to that nature. Or perhaps I should remind her how much of a cheater she is. The weird thing about all of this is, she used to love watching the TV show cheaters and we both used to gawk at how bad cheaters are. She used to make statements like "If you were to ever cheat on me I would kill you" and such. WTF??? What happened to her? She used to be so different, we were so close before she went on CAT duty. Everyday I begin to realize more and more how bad people really can be, it's pretty **cking disgusting to me. What do you guys think, silent treatment or speak my mind? Thanks ahead!
Mz. Pixie Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 I advocate silence. Mainly because it gives her less of a chance to talk you into anything or to weaken your resolve.
Author Rooster_DAR Posted November 28, 2006 Author Posted November 28, 2006 I advocate silence. Mainly because it gives her less of a chance to talk you into anything or to weaken your resolve. Is sent her the following text message: "You have insulted me, the foundations of commitment, and our relationship. I'm through with you".. That is what I have been feeling, so why not? Regards,
Art_Critic Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 That is what I have been feeling, so why not? agreed...I would've said something too... From now on though.. silence will speak the loudest...
whichwayisup Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 How do you feel right now? Relieved? She isn't the woman you fell inlove with, she's changed. I'm sorry for your pain, though I think in time you'll realize this is right thing to do. You can't live your life in limbo, waiting for her to "decide" who she wants to be with more. You're not a door prize, you're a human being!
Freedom Now Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 I think what you wrote is perfect. Now, be completely silent. She deserves no more than that and you are worth more than what she has offered. Hang tough. There is someone much better out there for you. FN
whichwayisup Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 As most say - Short, sweet and to the point. Silence now is your way of closure. She needs NO closure from you seeing as she's the one who put this whole thing in motion by her own selfish choices. Hang in there RD, you're gonna be okay!
Author Rooster_DAR Posted November 28, 2006 Author Posted November 28, 2006 She went nuts trying to call me and text message me. I will not respond. She keeps asking where that came from? and says if that's my way of dealing with this issue then fine. She also said that she cherises our relationship and has the utmost respect for me and my relationship. B.S!
whichwayisup Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 She also said that she cherises our relationship and has the utmost respect for me and my relationship. What a LIE! OMG I just choked from laughing so hard...(not at you, HER!) She's desparate now so be prepared for more B.S to be coming out of her mouth. She's going to pull out all sorts of things, bargain with you to try to change your mind. Be strong RD. Don't give in to her calls/TM's.
Freedom Now Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 She keeps asking "Where that CAME from?!" Why, her behavior, of course! She'll figure that out eventually I should think....
Art_Critic Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 She's going to pull out all sorts of things, bargain with you to try to change your mind. Be strong RD. Don't give in to her calls/TM's. Treat her to silence.. Total Silence I have been on the wrong end of an ex's silence before and it killed me... it drove me insane.. Till this day she still won't speak to me and it still kills me...but I finally moved on from her.. her loss Just as your ex.. it is her loss.. she is going to feel what it is like to screw with a good thing.. show her that you are moving on without her and make her part of your past
jmargel Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 Re-read my advice. Unless you are not going to have contact with her for the rest of your life, you are just playing the head games with her. KNOCK IT OFF! This is just a very immature thing to do. There's a fine line between giving out 'Tough love' & playing head games. If you want her out of your life, then by all means stop all contact.. forever.
Author Rooster_DAR Posted November 28, 2006 Author Posted November 28, 2006 She is a very convincing and deceptive person. I am a smart guy for the most part, but she knows exactly what to do to drive guilt and make me believe everything she is saying (as much as I hate to admit it). Everytime I thought I could get a word in edgewise, she was always cleverly able to turn things around in her favor. Perhaps my love for her was clouding my ability to fight back, but you have to believe me this woman is very good at what she does (I almost started defending her again in the next sentence). When all this started happening (the text messaging with her co-worker and my finding out who it really was), she actually had me convinced there was nothing going on and I was the person with the problem. I went on for weeks and months thinking I was some kind of paranoid delusional person, and that I was controlling and jeleous. She has successfully been able to make me look like the bad person, and at one point I even admitted I was the problem here. How **damn pathetic of me, I feel so sick inside that I could become such a freaking **ssy. You know, when I posted the thread on Askmen.com, 95 percent of the reactions were that I was stupid and a big pu**ssy. As if my self esteem isn't damaged enough, that nearly screwed me up totally. However, I think hearing that is just cold hearted truth, and I need to accept I was a pushover and should have stood my groung long ago. Now I am just angry at everything, and I don't trust anybody anymore. I'm also sure that now I'm going to have to concern myself that this may affect me counter productively in the years to come, so I have to find some sort of understanding and closure with all of this. Like I said before, I have dated several women have have been pursuing me since the we split up, but I had no interest in the very very least. I found it even hard to have sex with them, although they were very beautiful girs. It's amazing how destructive relationships can be when cheating and infedelity come into play, sometime I wish she would have just left without any explanation at all. Regards,
Freedom Now Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 I was once with a man who was much like the male counterpart to your fair ex. It is difficult to recover, but you will. The best revenge is living well. Don't let her take your happiness and trust away. She has wasted your time. Don't let her waste your life. Start living now. She is the past. YOU are the future. All my best.
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