Update on whats a girl to do

[Krisp]

I discovered that my stbx is handling all this with Logic while I'm handling this by emotion. My chest won't stop hurting and I can't sleep yet. I panic over stupid stuff and I worry constantly about him. I've been seeing a therapist and will be seeing a psychiatrist this Thurs. hopefully she put me on a anti depressant. Nothing I do or say makes him think outside of his decision and I'm getting real tired of being the one to blame. I do everything alone now and it's the worst thing possible. We were best friends for so many years.

I hate being alone!!!! and other people don't make me feel better. I stay as busy as I can and I talk to him everyday but I don't feel better or hopeful in any way. I want to work this out with him and I want our friendship back. I want to be on the same page and work towards a better future, a healthier future for both of us. I want him to have faith in me again and treat me with the kindness he use to. But that isn't Logical! All he thinks about is his money and when he's gonna crack his first beer of the day. He says he works at not missing me and that angry music really helps. I know that if he can't be honest with himself he can't be honest with me so I don't let his words hurt too much. I know he doesn't want this divorce any more than I do but since I quit drinking with him he wants nothing to do with me. Our life just started tailspinning and I had to stop the craziness! Words were being said that shouldn't have and feelings were being crushed and they shouldn't have, we are better people than that and we've been the most honest, trusting, and passionate couple we know. All we need is to get ourselves the help we need to get back to a good place and move on from this, but he says it's never going to be worth the risk. I know it's best that we are separated so the pain can heal but he's pushing this divorce and I can't stand it. I know that letting go of the way I want it to be is the hardest but after 18 years I truelly believe we are soul mates and that we are meant to grow old together. I don't believe that we have sufficient grounds for a divorce. We love eachother very much, there's just been alot of bull**** slung and I can't help him get over it. He refuses counselling and seems to be ok in his new world away from our home. He doesn't even want to try! I need to find a way to penetrate his pride and his stubborn will. Just to TRY!!! We are worth it.

Any suggestions?

[blueberry]

Hey there - sorry for your pain. I'm also at the mercy of a walk-away husband and I know how much it sucks.

 

Listen, I know right now you are feeling at the depth of despair... but there really is only one course of action. You have to be passive and "go dark" for a while.

 

First things first (and i know how turly hard this is) - stop trying to convince him otherwise. He's obviously got himself in a state and he is seeing YOU as the cause of it. So why would he listen to you now? He wont. SO back off. Dont force him to talk about sh*t right now.

 

Secondly - whilst you do not want a divorce, tell him you are just not ready to talk about things right now. Go quiet. Ask for some space to think about things. Let him leave for a while - hell, HELP him leave for a while.

 

and then you batten down the hatches and you ride this storm out.

 

From what you have said, I think he'll be back. Maybe he's going through a mid-life crisis or something. The fact you are no longer his drinking buddy may be playing a part but DO NOT go back down that path. You did the right thing to stop. He needs to stop too but I dont think that'll be happening any time soon.

[blueberry]

check out the divorcebusters website and go to the mid life crisis forum. there are some remarkably similar stories and it may help you to find your way through this.

 

the fact he is being "logical" about things and listening to "angry music" says it all really.

 

keep posting.

[Krisp]

I know... I keep telling myself the same thing but then he calls ands he's half in the wrapper and he wants to talk and talk! Like just now! I knew one of two things would happen after the Pats game, 1. He'd come over to the house or 2. He'd call and he called! He let me know what bar he was at in Salem (Thats where his new apartment is), I asked if it was a dive and his reply was, who cares, the foods cheap and the beer's cheap and he wasn't there to socialize. I told him he needs to talk to someone and he says he talks to hundreds of people all day everyday and then he went into what he thought of the game. He mentioned he was going back to his place and that he loved me but he wasn't coming home and that I should try to have a good night. I told him I love him and not to forget to put his pillow up right because he sleeps bad. He said I don't have to worry about his pillow and I said I worry about everything when it comes to him.

We use to tell eachother that we would never divorce that we would be strong and always work out our problems. We always have so I don't have it in my heart to quit him. I recognize I am hurting myself but I KNOW he is worth it. I don't know if I can mean more to him than his drinking does but I know I use to when he was just a social drinker. I will try to lay low with him and see what happens but I'm scared he will fall in love with being single. I know there will not be another lady in his life because he's always had good morals and has never cheated on me.

I just don't understand why we have to start all over as though we didn't exist and ignore the life we've built. I know it's been hard but all this crap makes it so much harder!!!!

He knows we're worth it but he won't get over the anger and resentment. I just don't know what to do or say!!! and then I know that maybe saying nothing is for the best... But I'm scared.

[blueberry]

i know honey - im scared too.

 

bur seriously... this is not a man who will fall in love with being single. maybe for a while - but he will realise and come running back to you. Sounds like you guys have some serious history and he wont run out on that anytime soon.

 

you've got to try and stop yourself from mentioning things like the pillow. you are not his mother, NOR his wife right now. just let him be. sure - answer the phone and be nice but no "baby" or "i love you" or "dont forget about the pillow". why? because you are validating his actions. You are acting like a fall back. he knows you're gonna be there no matter what and thats why hes messing about right now. sure - he is having a tough time but he also has to be held accountable for his actions.

 

do your best to let him be - FIND the anger! hes done this to you guys! how dare he? hes walked away yet still expects to call you and talk about the game like nothing is wrong? Girl - you've got to get a handle on this. Make him realise that while you can understand and support him, you will not stand for a broken heart. just try and pull back a liiittttle bit.

[Krisp]

My girlfriend says the same thing, GET ANGRY, but what does that do? Why should I have to behave in a way that causes more hostility and pain? Anger is only a lack of understanding and control. If I'm angry then I can't have a clear mind on whats real and whats not and I don't want or need to be irrational right now most of all.

I will work at leaving him alone and I do see that I am a fall back and enabling his actions. I will work at stopping that and building up my own self confidence and self worth. He knows I'm here, I've told him , but what if he really doesn't see US? What if he keeps finding a way to justify his actions to enable his new single status? He's very and I do mean VERY strong minded, when he says he's going to do something , it gets done and now he says he's done with his marriage and I can't tell if this time it could be different this time because he does love me and he knows he needs help, he just won't go get it. I would support him in anything to getting better, but he just won't. Now what?

[blueberry]

No no no no no - I'm not saying get angry AT him or start projecting hostility. You are right, that will not help in the slightest. But you do need to find the self preservation to start pulling back a bit. For me in order to do that, I had to find some inner anger.

 

My husband is much the same as yours, very stubborn. He also doesnt talk much which makes communication difficult. Thing is though, when they are going through all this they tend to say and so things that they really dont mean. My husband even admitted to me (eventually) that he would purposefully try and hurt me with his words and actions because he was feeling hurt too. Dont get sucked into it, let it slide off you. Right now something is going on with him and hes got you pegged you as the cause. Last thing you should do is chase him around. He'll turn and run faster.

 

A saying I have come to love which has helped me at times is "No-one is going to get into the water with a drowning man". The more desperate and panicked you seem, the more he is going to back off. Think about it.

 

I really think this is just temporary because you guys seem to have some great history together. Something is going on with him and you just have to hang on for the ride. Do you know what it is? Is there someone else in his ear? Did you read anything on the midlife crisis forum on divorcebusters.com?

 

Any update - Have you heard from him today?

[blueberry]

He knows I'm here, I've told him ,

 

...and thats the best thing you've done. He knows you are there. He knows you love him. He knows he can come home to a loving understanding woman.

 

The rest is up to him.

[jmargel]

Definition of Insanity: Doing the same thing over & over, expecting different results.

 

He knows what to expect of you, he knows you'll always be there. He knows when he's ready he can come back to you on HIS terms. He knows he doesn't have to face any consequences for his actions, and he knows he won't even have to deal with the issues that are between you two because you'll do anything to get him back.

 

In all of this, you want him to think about what he is doing and the only way this can make him think is for him to face consequences. Some call it 'Tough Love', which IMO is the only thing that works.

 

Instead of hanging onto his pant leg, surprise him.. Let him know that you are going out with friends, enjoying life and taking care of things for yourself. Open up that cage door for him, tell him if he wants to fly to go ahead, but that he's not welcomed back. That you can't live your life like this, that it's not fair to you. That this is not what love is suppose to be about.

 

His alcoholism is a disease and unless he gets help for it, things will only get worse. Unfortunetly he has not hit rock bottom yet, and there is nothing you can say or do for him to turn his life around. You can write it in BIG bold red letters but he just won't grasp the concept, because he's looking at this with a totally different view then the rest of us.

 

We know you want to help him, and honestly 'Tough Love' is the only route to go. It will hurt at first, but in the long run it has so many benefits. And it does help. You need to give him that ultamatium.. Tell him 'I love you, but this drinking and this attitude is ripping me apart. If you want things to work out, here is your chance. AA & Marriage Counseling, otherwise I need to go on my own'. Good chance when you say that, he'll get angry or say 'Ok, see ya'. But I can guarantee in a few weeks to a month, he'll be calling.. All of this will make him *think*, which is what is needed here.

 

However for this to happen you need to be very strong, and believe in this concept. Read the post by 'chadandnikole', about 10 pages into it when I started replying to the thread.

 

I would also look into a counselor for yourself.

[blueberry]

I would also look into a counselor for yourself.

 

 

Please forgive me but it seems on this BB too many people are too quick to say "go see a counsellor". I dont mean to stereotype but - coming from New Zealand - its a very "american" thing to do. Times get tough? Go to a counsellor. Dont like someone or something? Get a lawyer and sue.

 

I dont believe you need a counsellor. You seem like an intelligent woman who knows what she wants and what she needs to do. You don't need a counsellor - you're not at rock bottom. Maybe its just me but I dont belive paying someone a hundred bucks an hour to tell you pretty much the same advice as what you are going to get on here for free is going to help you or change the situ.

 

Save that cash and go treat youself instead. I dont mean to offend anyone, its just its something I've noticed soooooo much on here since joining. Someone posts for 5 minutes and the advice is "go see a counsellor". Its b*llcks. You've got a looooong way down into darkness before you need one of those cats.

 

Just my 0.2 cents

[blueberry]

Stay strong Krisp. You can do this.

[Krisp]

You asked for the latest, so here it is...I hear from him everyday. This a.m. as I was waking up I felt pretty confidant about being OK without him by my side and telling myself I deserve better. I told myself I was proud of me for not letting my thoughts dwell on him and then I went to pot! I started thinking about how I call every morning to say good morning and that I wouldn't be doing that today... I told myself he'd call me because he loves that after all these years I have always insisted on starting our days with that simple pleasant two-letter statement!

He finally called around 9:30 to tell me he forgot to transfer $ to our account that he owes me. I said that it was about time you called to say good morning and he laughed and said it wasn't why he called but that it was strange not waking up to it this morning. Then he just made small talk and I let him go. Later he called to tell me he was faxing me. Since he moved, he put his forwarding address to his business and I don't know where he's sleeping, but our daughters report card went to him and he didn't like one of her grades. He has huge expectations and he wanted to know why he didn't know about her grade. I told him that he informed me that he talks to her everyday and that their relationship is great. I thought she was informing him the way she informs me. So then he throws it in my face that because she and I are in the house, I am the custodial parent and that it's my job to see that he gets informed about our daughter and not live in fable land that we're getting back together. I said Honey, I gotta go now, call our daughter and I'll talk to you soon. That was the last I've heard from him today, but we'll talk again I'm sure and I believe that he'll be angry. The way I see it... It's 3:30 he feels bad already, he's tired because of the way he abuses his body with his drinking and smoking. He feels bad that he's not home and in control of not being in the loop, he's lonely... But he's just an hour and a half away from doing what he always does and that is "falling in love" with his drink and his need to be angry and his need to blame me for everything and his need to be right.

I know I should not be talking to him but that's who we've always been to each other.

If he could just wake up and smell the coffee. The reason our girl doesn't say anything to him is because she feels that he chose being with his beer more important than being with us. She doesn't believe he cares. I tell her he does and she fires back that all he's good for is his $ that he's her ATM and that's it. I know it's just anger and I hate it because I've always loved their relationship. I'm proud to have picked the father for her that I did! They love each other very much.

I guess I started writing here because I really need help to help him see that he really needs to sober up and value us or he's going to lose us. We don't deserve that and neither does he. We've always worked hard for what we have and now shouldn't be any different. Don't you agree?

Kid Rock says it best in Only God Knows Why, he says, You get what you put in and people get back what they deserve.

I know who we are and I know we deserve to get through this.

I also agree that tough love may be needed here but that scares me too. See, he told me he was going to give me $50,000.00 and he wanted me out in two weeks. (This was September 1st) Then he hired an appraiser to come to the house and I got scared, took the day off from work and went and filed for a divorce in the probate court. I had him served that day. I did all that to stop him from kicking me out, putting our family in debt and to buy time to cool off. He looks at it like I ambarrassed him and hurt his pride. He says he can't forgive that and he constantly throws in my face that he has the paperwork to prove that I want a divorce and that I beleive the marriage is over. I tell him I don't care about what has happened I am only interested in acknowledging we have problems and we should work on them, NOT get divorced. We have all the ingredients to make a great relationship, we just (I just) took it too far. Although the seperation has been somewhat of a good thing, it has been more like water in the face. WHAT A COMPLETE MESS!!!

[jmargel]

I wish you would read my earlier reply and listen to my advice..

 

guess I started writing here because I really need help to help him see that he really needs to sober up and value us or he's going to lose us

 

We can't.. no one can. He has to hit rock bottom before he realizes what he's losing. He has to *want* to goto counseling. He doesn't. It's pretty clear that he wants to end the relationship. Though this is not your fault, it's time to stop hanging on. He can see what you are doing and everyone else can here as well.

 

As long as you keep living in the past you will continue to make it your reality. It's time to close this chapter in your life and move on. Though that's not what you want to hear, that is reality.

 

As for the counseling, it's meant to help you FROM hitting rock bottom. No it's not a cure-all but there's something that you get from talking to someone face to face than from unlicensed professionals over a forum.

 

We here as a community only can offer advice, we are not trained to help mental/emotional problems.

 

However what I can guarantee is that you'll continue to live in this hell until you decide it's time to move forward.