Author luvtoto Posted November 28, 2006 Author Posted November 28, 2006 A-C, I was waiting for the backlash. I doubt if he'll even have a clue that I am ripping his arse. I didn't know what else to do. 8 weeks ago, I started out not saying anything to him about it and was just irritated in silence. Then, I moved to making little comments about it. Then, tried being completely upfront and honest with him (talking it out..till 2 a.m.). Which then, progressed to snappy and annoyed behavior & irrated comments to him by me. He didn't even mind me being that way to him. The last resort is probably going to be an argument between us. Not that I am wanting that by any means!! He just doesn't get it. I should have just dumped him without even trying to make things better. The last time I judged a guy, I dumped him...didn't even try to work on things. This time, I liked him. I liked the guy that he TOLD me he was. Later, when I talked to him about his clinginess..he just replied that he is not like that. He was just doing it cause he thought I liked it. I believed him and kept waiting for him to be what he said. But, he just lied..basically. Kinda like him having tons of projects going on when I first met him. He doesn't. I am all he has. He talked the other night to me about how he thinks he's a loser. Wha?? That's not the image he portrayed when I met him. What he's been telling me in the beginning of our relationship...and the kind of person he actually is...are not the same. I just feel dooped and a bit ticked off. I am not scared to piss him off or damage his ego. I am ticked off a bit, because for once with him, I would like a smidgen of truth about who he really is.
Art_Critic Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 A-C, I was waiting for the backlash. .... I am ticked off a bit, because for once with him, I would like a smidgen of truth about who he really is. this is the positive that can come out of your move.. it should show you who he is.. if he doesn't get pissed then you know he is a wimpy puss and not worth dating anyhow.. But if he gets pissed it will either end or open a true dialog between you both
Author luvtoto Posted November 28, 2006 Author Posted November 28, 2006 this is the positive that can come out of your move.. it should show you who he is.. if he doesn't get pissed then you know he is a wimpy puss and not worth dating anyhow.. But if he gets pissed it will either end or open a true dialog between you both BINGO! I hate like hell being a bitch. But, god dang. I can't be with a wuss or somebody that just doesn't get it. (By the way, thanks for everyone's support. I really appreciate it, and I'm getting some great advice.)
Author luvtoto Posted November 28, 2006 Author Posted November 28, 2006 And another contradiction from him... Early on, when I was just meeting my Bf, I remember him braggin about the story when his sister started dating her new BF. His sister started bossing the new bf around right out the gate. He told me that his sister is the type that needed to be taken care of. High maintenence type. Well, he said he pulled the new bf aside shortly after the new relationship started, instructing him to develop a backbone when it comes to his sister. If he doesn't, his sister will walk all over him...and it won't be pretty. So, I then, realized that my guy was not a push-over. That was another reason why I decided to start dating him. Well, now 8 weeks later...with me he is a wussy, pushover. *sigh* I could go on and on with the contradictions here.
norajane Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 Where do you meet these guys??? Wasn't your last one clingy too?
CrushedOrgans Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 BINGO! I hate like hell being a bitch. But, god dang. I can't be with a wuss or somebody that just doesn't get it. i'm with you. i don't want a jerk, but i don't want a wuss. i need to be with someone that will stand up to me when it's necessary, and often it is necessary. balance is key. i am also not an overly-affectionate person. i like my closeness with my fiance, yes, but i like that closeness and affection to mean something rather than just "we're together, so we both have someone to touch, so let's touch each other constantly just because we can." i love pretzling up on the couch with a blanket to watch a movie. we don't dance much, but when we do, i enjoy being close to him and having his arms around me. cuddle me for a minute in bed, by all means, i want to too, but when it's time to sleep, let's untangle and be comfy, please. but in the grocery store? let's just do our shopping and get out of that crazy place! "nice guys" are the worst kind too...they're so super-sickeningly-sweet nice that they manipulate you and guilt you into not wanting to hurt their feelings by leaving them. he may have been insulted by your email, but you should be more insulted that he ignores and completely disprespects your blatantly laid-out wishes he's lucky you even bother to give him a chance, or so many chances. i would have been gone.
IpAncA Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 i'm with you. i don't want a jerk, but i don't want a wuss. i need to be with someone that will stand up to me when it's necessary, and often it is necessary. balance is key. i am also not an overly-affectionate person. i like my closeness with my fiance, yes, but i like that closeness and affection to mean something rather than just "we're together, so we both have someone to touch, so let's touch each other constantly just because we can." i love pretzling up on the couch with a blanket to watch a movie. we don't dance much, but when we do, i enjoy being close to him and having his arms around me. cuddle me for a minute in bed, by all means, i want to too, but when it's time to sleep, let's untangle and be comfy, please. but in the grocery store? let's just do our shopping and get out of that crazy place! "nice guys" are the worst kind too...they're so super-sickeningly-sweet nice that they manipulate you and guilt you into not wanting to hurt their feelings by leaving them. he may have been insulted by your email, but you should be more insulted that he ignores and completely disprespects your blatantly laid-out wishes he's lucky you even bother to give him a chance, or so many chances. i would have been gone. That is so true. There is nothing worse then seeing to two making out in the checkout line.
Author luvtoto Posted November 28, 2006 Author Posted November 28, 2006 "we're together, so we both have someone to touch, so let's touch each other constantly just because we can." That's exactly how I feel!! I just couldn't put it into words. Brilliant! "nice guys" are the worst kind too...they're so super-sickeningly-sweet nice that they manipulate you and guilt you into not wanting to hurt their feelings by leaving them. He didn't come off as a nice guy. When I first met him, as he was telling me about himself, I developed an image of him in my mind..from what he was telling me. When he was a bartender, he told me he was a bouncer, too. He told me stories about the bar fights he prevented. To the point where one guy backed down just by hearing his name. (His dad the same way, I can see it in his dad, though) But...all I get is Mr. Wussy Boy. Afraid to speak for fear that I will God forbid...break up with him. Oh, please. Another contradiction? I don't know. So, where's this persona-of-himself that he was talking so much about?? huh? (did that make sense?) he may have been insulted by your email, but you should be more insulted that he ignored and completely disprespected your blatantly laid-out wishes he's lucky you even bother to give him a chance, or so many chances. i would have been gone. Well, damn, the guy's been single for 34 years, he told me in the beginning that he is just sooo picky, and women chase him. He said they told him he was mysterious, and he dealt with alot of insecure women. Bull****! He is just another desperate guy that I've been meeting one right after another. Where..oh where..have all the real men gone?
nicki Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 What gets me is that you've talked to him. You've been nice in explaining what you like and what you don't. He's been telling you he will try, but then keeps doing the same thing. You probably feel like he is completely dismissing what you say you want from him, so you are turning up the volume. In good relationships, people honor each other by trying to give each other what they want -- while honoring their own boundaries and what they are capable of doing, of course. If a guy told me I was being too affectionate for his tastes, I would respectfully tone it tone to a level that was acceptable for both of us. If he NEVER wanted affection, I would say we were incompatible. But, I think there is a lot of normal negotiable range in between none and too much. It sounds like this guy is either unable to change due to his affectionate personality or maybe due to his clingy nature and low self-esteem. He may be looking to you to fill up a bottomless void in himself. If he was affectionate and had his life together, then I'd say it just may be you both are comfortable with different levels of affection (like people with high and low sex drives.) But, the fact that he doesn't seem to have a fulfilling life suggests the bottomless void he is trying to fill by grabbing on to you like a life raft. It seems like you are asking for just a little LESS affection, not NO affection. Sounds reasonable to me. Why can't he just keep his hands off of you in the store if you ask him to? Why is what he wants to do at the moment more important than what you want? That's why it seems controlling if they don't respect what YOU are comfortable with. My boyfriend acted like that, too, and I had to physically pull away from him every time and say "Please, not now. I need space around me. I love you, though. Stand next to me instead." He has to at least try to meet you halfway, or let you know that he is unable to be less affectionate and therefore, you both are incompatible.
nicki Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 Just re-read your last post. Sounds like the ol' "bait and switch." I wish guys would start out being who they really are so we can figure out whether or not we want to be with the "real" them. And, I'm sure guys wish we women would do that, too!
alphamale Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 I must have missed this post. No, alpha...the big oaf is me. So you are a male and a homosexual? I will have to look at this entire issue again.
Author luvtoto Posted November 28, 2006 Author Posted November 28, 2006 Just re-read your last post. Sounds like the ol' "bait and switch." Yep. At this point, I don't care if I hurt his feelings. Will the real "new BF" please stand up!
Author luvtoto Posted November 28, 2006 Author Posted November 28, 2006 So you are a male and a homosexual? I will have to look at this entire issue again. Gee Alpha. You are really gullible.
2020vision Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 I have been in the same exact position. This guy I was with a few months back was really great to start out with. He seemed independent, successful, and a lot of fun. We had a good run...but then his closeness started to get to me. He wanted to see me EVERY day, every night...ALL the time. I physically felt like I could not breathe. Not to mention, he would always want to hug me and kiss me and talk about feelings...But, I fought to have feelings for him because he is a good guy and filled up my time. I would give him hint after hint. But, then, a hint was not enough and he wanted to stay up and have an all night "talk about our feelings fest". I figured that no matter how much I talked about it with him, or all my friends I was just not going to be in love with him. I had to finally break things off with him. He was upset, but I just had to do it. You are not doing him any good by staying with him because you don't want to go back to being single. I totally agree with the idea that if the affection was coming from the right guy,you nor I would be posting about this situation. Case in point: with my ex bf (That I was with for 2 1/2 years), when he would want to cuddle and kiss, etc....I would love it, because I loved him... I truley believe there is someone out there for you that does not make you feel smothered. I do not think the begginning of a relationship should be smothering anyhow.. Good Luck! -2020
CrushedOrgans Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 He didn't come off as a nice guy. When I first met him, as he was telling me about himself, I developed an image of him in my mind..from what he was telling me. When he was a bartender, he told me he was a bouncer, too. He told me stories about the bar fights he prevented. To the point where one guy backed down just by hearing his name. (His dad the same way, I can see it in his dad, though) But...all I get is Mr. Wussy Boy. Afraid to speak for fear that I will God forbid...break up with him. Oh, please. Another contradiction? I don't know. So, where's this persona-of-himself that he was talking so much about?? huh? (did that make sense?) Where..oh where..have all the real men gone? totally. i had one of these too, and i dropped him like he was hot. which now that i think about it, he really wasn't... the sneaky, dormant nice guy is worse than the regular nice guy. i hate when people sell themselves as something they're really not. that's as unfair as a frigid woman who pretends to be overtly sexual to please a a new guy, then closes up the hoo-ha shop once he's ensnarled into her life. ensnarled. i don't think that's a word, but it felt right, so i didn't change it...
Author luvtoto Posted November 28, 2006 Author Posted November 28, 2006 If this post does anything, I am hoping it will at least convey one very important message. When you first meet a guy and start to get to know them, don't fall for them hook, line and sinker. Just cause they are hot, or just cause..well, whatever. Step back and let him/her earn your love. Don't just give it away blindly. There are signs. Analyze what is being told to you...vs...what his/her actions actually are. If more people loved smart, IMO, it would prevent lots of heartache. Yes, to some extent, you can prevent a broken-heart. Maybe you shouldn't take my advice. Maybe, you see me as a bit jaded. Maybe, I shouldn't be dating, because I no longer have that wide-eyed, blinded, first-love innocence anymore. I miss loving that way (by the way)...but I don't miss the broken-hearts.
Author luvtoto Posted November 28, 2006 Author Posted November 28, 2006 ensnarled. i don't think that's a word, but it felt right, so i didn't change it... Ensnarled is a word according to the online dictionary I am looking at. It means to entangle.
CrushedOrgans Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 Ensnarled is a word according to the online dictionary I am looking at. It means to entangle. hooray! that's what i meant by it anyway.
My Fair Katie Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 Finally got around to reading this. Whoa boy that guy is clingy. He needs to realize if he doesn't develop interests outside of a girlfriend he's going to be lonely for a long time. No one can be someone's everything, there's too much pressure and the fall from the pedestal can hurt. Good luck with that one.
alphamale Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 Finally got around to reading this. Whoa boy that guy is clingy. He needs to realize if he doesn't develop interests outside of a girlfriend he's going to be lonely for a long time. No one can be someone's everything, there's too much pressure and the fall from the pedestal can hurt. Agreed MFK...women generally respond much better to male unpredictability and apathy than anything else. Its ok to give attention but then the man should take away the attention for a while. Treat her like a queen sometimes and then other times treat her like krap. Women eat this stuff up, they love the drama and excitement of it all.
Author luvtoto Posted November 29, 2006 Author Posted November 29, 2006 Agreed MFK...women generally respond much better to male unpredictability and apathy than anything else. Its ok to give attention but then the man should take away the attention for a while. Treat her like a queen sometimes and then other times treat her like krap. Women eat this stuff up, they love the drama and excitement of it all. Treat like a queen...then treat like krap. Is that your idea of balance??
alphamale Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 Treat like a queen...then treat like krap. Is that your idea of balance?? yes...it works quite well. The women usually keep coming back for more and then eventually I have to cut them loose. And plus, I enjoy messing with their heads.
Author luvtoto Posted November 29, 2006 Author Posted November 29, 2006 yes...it works quite well. The women usually keep coming back for more and then eventually I have to cut them loose. And plus, I enjoy messing with their heads.Well, I'd like my guy to play some hardball when needed. But, I wouldn't want to be with a complete ass either.
Pyro Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 Treat her like a queen sometimes and then other times treat her like krap. Women eat this stuff up, they love the drama and excitement of it all. You must be dating the wrong type of women if you believe this. A woman with a straight head on her shoulders will not put up with that crap of a game.
alphamale Posted November 29, 2006 Posted November 29, 2006 You must be dating the wrong type of women if you believe this. A woman with a straight head on her shoulders will not put up with that crap of a game. what are you talking RIDDLER....women with "straight head" are the easiest ones to lure in. Its the nice girls that fall for this the easiest. God if I had a dime for every attractive and professional women who was with a jerk. Women love masculinity in both its positive and negative forms.
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