Too much attention.

[Art_Critic]

damn you wench! you're still 2,100+ posts up on me

 

She isn't far from being number 1 and passing Moimeme

[whichwayisup]

She isn't far from being number 1 and passing Moimeme

 

I will retire before that happens. Or I'll become a born-again LS'er!

[luvtoto]

It does kinda sound like you are using him.. but he is an adult...

I don't see it as using him. It was just too much of a good thing. He came on too damn strong.

 

I told him to back off a bit, many times. But, he just didn't listen. I couldn't get through to him. He didn't understand.

 

I knew (with my track record) that if he would keep up with the constant showering of affection/attention, that would be the death of us. It was going to kill any feelings I had for him. Does that sound strange or what?!

 

I wanted it to work. If I didn't care about him at all, I wouldn't have told him how I was feeling. Period. Or I wouldn't have spent two months being his GF. I still am his GF. I haven't called it quits yet.

 

He just doesn't get me. Not many people do. I had a women at work today, come up and rub my back to say hello...I just tensed up and told her (while smiling), "Pleeease, don't, don't, dont...."

 

She just laughed and told me that she has never known a woman that doesn't like affection.

[luvtoto]

But after I broke it off I did meet someone that felt good and looks good for a future together.... I'm happier than I can ever remember being and she is no doubt the only girl to truly have my attention since my divorce if not forever.

Can you see yourself getting too much of a good thing with her? I mean, do you have hot buttons she could push that would turn you off?

[Art_Critic]

Can you see yourself getting too much of a good thing with her? I mean, do you have hot buttons she could push that would turn you off?

 

See.. that is the thing.. No... because we are both into each other it works out.. the affection is dual sided and comes equal from both of us..

 

Hot buttons.. yes I have them.. and if she pushed them then we have an issue.. but most of my hot buttons have to do with abusive behavior and not loving affection..ie: name calling.. if someone calls me a name it goes right to my core.. or disrespectful behavior....

 

It sounds like your hot buttons deal with affection...

[Art_Critic]

I told him to back off a bit, many times. But, he just didn't listen. I couldn't get through to him. He didn't understand.

 

He screwed up.. have you straightened him out on this issue ? or at least tried to straighten him out...

[luvtoto]

He screwed up.. have you straightened him out on this issue ? or at least tried to straighten him out...

After a two hour talk till 2:00 in the morning, I thought he understood me. He keeps saying he does.

 

Two days later, as I'm in the bathroom getting ready, he comes up behind me and hugs me. I just try to get away. He thinks it's cute and funny. He laughs, and gives me a bigger hug!

 

Then, before I go to sleep, I tell him that I am not much of a cuddler. He says, "Ok, no problem, I understand." The minute I wake up...he's a cuddling with me.

 

My X-fiance wasn't very affectionate either. We got along so good. We never spoke of it...we just meshed well. Whenever we would sleep in the same bed, we would just touch our feet. It became rather endearing after awhile. But, if I try to do that with my BF, he decides he's gotta wrap his whole damn leg around mine. Like, how am I supposed to sleep like that??

 

Do I need to spell everything out to him??

[Art_Critic]

I'm thinking that the 2 of you are just not compatible.. no amount of talking is going to change him into the type of guy you are looking for.. it isn't fair to him.. he is the way he is.. affectionate.. you are looking for more of an aloof type of guy.. he will never change into an aloof guy...

[luvtoto]

I'm thinking that the 2 of you are just not compatible.. no amount of talking is going to change him into the type of guy you are looking for.. it isn't fair to him.. he is the way he is.. affectionate.. you are looking for more of an aloof type of guy.. he will never change into an aloof guy...

Thanks, A_C. Well, I don't think changing someone is ever a good idea.

I don't know if I need to change him. I got the impression, in the beginning, that he had the qualities that I was looking for in a guy.

 

When I first met him, he seemed more of a man's man. Working on a Saturday afternoon in his garage kind of guy, with tons of projects/interests going on. At least, that's the impression he gave me.

 

He is talented in alot of things, like I said 'a jack-of-all-trades'. That doesn't come from not having interests. He talked alot about his friends...and all the stuff that he would do with them. He seemed to have so many projects going on, that I thought he might be too busy to date me.

 

Now, all he talks about is how bored he is during the week. How he has nothing going on. Hates his job. Just him and his cat. He is centering his entire life around me and my kids. Also, he told me a few times, that before we met me, he didn't have much of a reason to live. Wha??

 

Something's not adding up here.

 

If I would have heard him talkin' that way when I met him, I wouldn't have pursued a relationship. I know the signs.

 

So, where is this guy that has all the interests?? I seem to be his only interest at the moment.

[allina]

He knows so much about so many things. Being a single mother with two kids and no family, it's a good thing. Takes alot of stress off of my shoulders.

 

He fixes my car, he supports me with my daughter and her problems, he does *guy* stuff with my son. My kids just love him. He'll do anything for me.

 

This weekend, he got my son out of the house (away from his playstation), and they fixed the chimni outside. It was so cute how they were working together.

 

If I broke up with him, my kids would lose respect for me, and be hurt.

 

 

 

how important is passion in a relationship?

 

The reasons you mentioned above are not the right reasons to be in a relationship, at all. It's great that he takes care of the kids, fixes your car and fixes things round the house but he is supposed to be your bf/lover not your nanny/handy man. Most men are good with fixing things, I'm sure you can find a good guy who you are crazy about that will also help out.

 

Passion is very importand in a romantic relationship.

[jerbear]

It doesn't seem you two are compatible in the affection area. He is to affectionate and centers his life around you. Sort of like an beta-male looking for affirmation.

 

The x-fiance was more aloof and not as affectionate and you two got along fine. It seems you and the current guy are just not compatible in the affection and passion department.

 

Passion is required in a romantic relationship. Both parties need some form of desire and jumping each other. Seems he is more into you than you are. You like him because he is the handyman and helps you out. Always nice to have someone who adores you and helps you out. After awhile it does become a dependency. He might wake up one day and say wait... I don't have a future. It could be days, months, years, or even a decade or two.

 

IMO, it seems to me that you are using him to get services. It is not fair to him that the passion does not exist and he thinks there is a future with you.

 

It also seems that he fits the bill except passion.

 

The other thing that can be tried is absence. It may make your heart more fond of him and light that spark.

[luvtoto]

The other thing that can be tried is absence. It may make your heart more fond of him and light that spark.

Thanks, Jerbear. When I first met him, I did feel a flicker of a spark...the butterflies and all.

 

However, it was drowned out by his connnnsttttant affection. Something that I said I didn't like.

 

Right out the gate, I said, "I am not an affectionate person, sorry".

 

He said, "no problem, sweetheart. I just did that 'cause I thought you liked it".

 

I said, "no, not really".

 

He then says, "Ok."

 

Then, a couple days later, he proceeds to give me enough affection for the both of us.

 

Felt like I couldn't breathe around him. Let alone, develop healthy feelings for him.

 

It's like, the more I push him away, the more he freakin' wants me!!

 

He emailed me five emails today. He was telling me how slow it was at work today. In his email, he told me about his ride to work this morning, he called me hunnybunny, he also asked me again if I was feeling better.

His other emails were forwards of jokes. But, still.

 

I feel like I can't breathe. I absolutely hate being under stress.

 

(Sorry my replies are so long. I am mostly venting. It's helping me sort out my feelings.)

[jerbear]

Seems that he doesn't get the smothering. Most guys don't get it sometimes.

 

I was once that guy and ended up pushing her away then dumping her when I gave up the chase.

 

Maybe it is time for a weekend vacation for you?

 

Does he have any hobbies? Other than work and you?

 

All these are coping and running away, what would you do when it is time to retire? 24/7 affectionate guy...

 

I would communicate with him that he is to clingy and way to affectionate that it is killing and smothering your feelings for him. It may even require no contact (except one "hi" phone call) on Thursdays even if you are horny.

 

You would be telling and showing him what you mean. He may or may not adapt (not change) but at least you tried teaching him about you.

 

It is obvious that you like him to some extent.

[johan]

Smothering is in the eye of the beholder. Most of what you describe this guy doing could be pretty normal. Hand-holding, kissing, hugging, cuddling, winks, touching are all normal loving behavior. I do those things, but I've never been accused of smothering anyone. But then I'd feel weird if I couldn't do them as much as I do, and a woman who doesn't appreciate physical contact could make me feel like I'm a clingy person.

 

On the other hand, if she made it clear that she didn't like what I do, I'd stop. But I'd also resent it, and I'd probably start to wonder about our compatibility.

 

I get the impression that you and he don't have many opportunities to date people who excite you. Maybe not at all. So you're really trying to make this be the one.

[luvtoto]

Is that him in your avvie, with the sunglasses? He looks like a big oaf

I was just re-reading and soaking up everyone's advice.

 

I must have missed this post. No, alpha...the big oaf is me.

[luvtoto]

You must give really good head !!

That's what he said!

[nicki]

I dated a guy like this. He was great in the beginning. I loved the affection, but then it began to suffocate me. If we were in a store, he would wrap himself around me while I moved around the store. I felt like a Siamese twin.

 

I also couldn't sleep because he cuddled me all night. I solved that one by cuddling for a while -- which I wanted to do -- and then telling him that I needed to lie on my back and have some space to fall asleep.

 

It took a few weeks for him to understand where, when, and how much affection I wanted. If he hadn't tried to meet me halfway, then I would have wondered if he had control problems.

 

Nice guys can also be controlling. I understand that people can be incompatible, and I also think most everything in a relationship can be worked out if the couple is really into each other.

 

Are you not that into him? Or just not that into all the affection? I wonder if he stopped being affectionate if that would give you the space to be affectionate with him?

[shawn_68]

So, where is this guy that has all the interests?? I seem to be his only interest at the moment.

 

I think most guys instinctively know that you can't make yourself TOO available at the beginning of a relationship. And so he probably played the game. "I've got this going on and that going on ... maybe we can meet up later." He was being coy, reserved.

 

But now is different. He thinks that he "has" you. You're giving him all the signals to the contrary, but he's not picking them up.

 

Oddly enough, the MORE distant you become, the more he will be attracted at this point. You can expect it.

 

I know you won't, but if you were to suddenly develop an insatiable desire to be with him 24/7 you would see a shift in the dynamics. The situations would be reversed.

 

In the same respect, if he were to suddenly reject you today and decide to walk away. More than likely you would be pining him for months to come.

 

It's funny how human nature works.

[theadventure50120]

hehe , my ex called me clingy (i have stopped it now , i don't like it now , you need to have a life other then the girl) But she called me clingy , she was sick for 5days once and i was saying hope your better soon as i miss you. But she wanted cuddles all the time , in bed if i turned my back she would go into a huff , or if i didn't put my arm around her while sleeping she would say "cuddle me i'm cold"

 

I couldn't sleep while cuddling her , plus she was hot , lol i mean in a warm way...and i couldn't sleep because of that either. Or if i left the bedroom early in the morning when i woke up i would get abuse that i left her when she woke.

 

Makes a lot of sense. I did want to spend alot of time with her , that was probably the problem. But she wanted alot of attention also...i never once called her clingy. This women is a huge hypocrit btw as i have found out She wanted to spend every second of the day with me , and needed nothing else but me...then 3 months in it stopped...and i didn't know how to handle it as i got used to it. Then calls me clingy when she stops it haha. She didn't tell me she wanted to spend less time together...she just did it...so i started questioning her...but what she came out with was true "if you spend to much time together you will rely on each other".

 

But over the past 2 months i have learnt a hell of alot , and the girl who made this topic is speaking exactly how i would expect a person that has to much attention. The other person shows they have no life other then her and that's not good. I learnt it , but to late...next relationship will be better.

[luvtoto]

I wrote this to him tonight...yea, through email. I suck! I am just not that confrontational. I basically paraphrase *if that * excerpts from your posts...hope that was ok. If I piss him off...I am not too worried. Maybe, I'll get him to start acting more normal around me. Get me off the damn pedestal I'm on. ugh!

 

"Excuse me, but I need to be quite frank here. Do you have control issues??

 

I have been feeling suffocated for weeks now by your overly-affectionate nature. I have voiced my many issues to you over and over again. But, things never change.

 

After constant kisses and hugs throughout four days of being together...just made me wanna run when I saw another one coming!

 

Just yesterday, when I was getting ready to go, you wrapped yourself around me while I was trying to get away from the display of affection. You wouldn't let go! I had to pry myself out of your arms.

 

Then, just last night, when we were in the store, you were wrapping yourself around me, again, while I was trying to walk away from the affection.

 

Then, the night before that...and the night before that...and the night before that...I have had to tell you over and over again...every time we went to bed...that I need to have some sleeping space. That I don't want to be cuddled so much. But, yet, I am cuddled once again...and everytime, I need to tell explain how I feel.

 

I could go on and on with examples, but I won't.

 

It should only take a few weeks for you to understand where, when, and how much affection I'm looking for from my man. I don't feel as if you are trying to meet me even halfway. I am starting to wonder if you have control problems.

 

I don't know what else to do...other than admit that we are just two incompatible people. I don't expect, nor want you to change.

 

To wrap it up, I got your emails today. I am glad you are ok.

 

Now, in order for me to be ok, once again I am asking you for some much needed space. No emails...no phone calls.

 

Not feeling much like getting together this weekend; rather looking forward to just hangin' at the house.

 

To be as honest as I can, I don't know if it's 'cause I am not that into you, or just not that into all the affection you are giving me. There is no way to know at this point...I never have a chance or the space to be affectionate to you. To reach out to you. You are ALWAYS hugging first, kissing first. It just seems all too controlling to me.

 

I wonder if you stopped being affectionate if that would give me the space to be affectionate back. I don't know..."

[theadventure50120]

It's good that you are telling him instead of just wandering off with any warning. But i'm betting he was waiting to read that you are dumping him...just by how you wrote that email.

 

If he doesn't change , your going to have a hard job getting rid of him lol. He wants to be glued to you. When you next see him and he hasn't listened to you , he is showing no respect on how you feel. So it would be best to tell him in person and shout at him if you have to

 

It really should be the girl doing most of the cuddling first.

[luvtoto]

Thanks, theadventurer. Welcome to LS by the way.

 

It's good that you are telling him instead of just wandering off with any warning. But i'm betting he was waiting to read that you are dumping him...just by how you wrote that email.

Well, I've done nothing but be completely freakin' honest with him.

 

If he doesn't change, your going to have a hard job getting rid of him lol. He wants to be glued to you. When you next see him and he hasn't listened to you , he is showing no respect on how you feel. So it would be best to tell him in person and shout at him if you have to

Well, I am prepared. He has a bunch of his things at my house everywhere!...I have nothing at his. So, I'll have to see him again, regardless if we break up or not.

 

It really should be the girl doing most of the cuddling first.

Uh..that's what I thought. To have a guy that is overly cuddly..just is killing my sex drive. With all this cuddling going on...who the hell feels like throwing each other up against the wall to screw?? No sexual tension is being built. Kiss, kiss, cuddle, cuddle, forehead kiss, forehead kiss. I am starting to love him like a brother.

[Prise]

Haha!! That reminds me. Last night, my BF and I were watching "The Titanic". I said, "Geez, I remember going to that movie with my X, and he cried like a baby. "

 

He goes, "I remember crying at that movie, too."

 

 

Oops.

 

Hahaha...Having read this thread, can't say that I'm surprised.

 

Congrats! It appears you've got yourself one heck of an expressive, sensitive, and affectionate fella. Best of luck to you!

[jerbear]

Uh..that's what I thought. To have a guy that is overly cuddly..just is killing my sex drive. With all this cuddling going on...who the hell feels like throwing each other up against the wall to screw?? No sexual tension is being built. Kiss, kiss, cuddle, cuddle, forehead kiss, forehead kiss. I am starting to love him like a brother.

 

Killing the sex drive is the truth. The "best friend" and "love him like a brother" is unfortunately the kiss of death in a romantic relationship.

[Art_Critic]

I hope you didn't really email him that email....

 

If a girl I was dating sent me that type of email I would never speak to her ever again.. If I was him I would be insulted

 

I understand your need to be direct but you were not only direct but you rip him a new arsehole and if I'm correct you basically demean his every existence inside your relationship with him..

 

You needed to break up with him and spare him hurt.. by doing this you are hurting him and if he accepts your challenge he will be full of resentment..

 

Sorry that you are having a tough time of it luvtoto.. but being mean to him just isn't the right thing to do.. you need to just move on from him and let him go find someone he is more compatible with..