Too much attention.

[luvtoto]

When is the "new relationship" phase going to be over??

 

Ya know, that time when there is more attention than normal given to the other person you are dating.

 

Things like:

..being smiled & winked at every single time I look at him

..being kissed every single time I walk by him.

..being pulled closer to him every single time I make a move in bed next to him. I just want to sleep!!

..being asked, "Are you ok??" every time I clear my throat.

..having all my thinking thought for me.

..spending every waking moment together.

..having no other interests in life except for me.

 

*Sigh*

 

I am suffocating. I can't breathe.

 

Yes, I've communicated how I feel to him. All that does is make me feel like horrible person.

 

I see his potential. I wish he could see it, too.

 

I don't want the pressure of having him think I am perfect.

 

I keep telling him the things that are bothering me...should I keep working on things with him, or just let him go?

[Pyro]

Sometimes that "new relationship" phase will go away as times goes on.

 

Luv, does this guy act any bit of clingy towards you? From the sounds of it, he sounds like he could be the clingy type. Don't feel horrible for talking to him about this because that is what you need to do. If you don't tell him that he needs to back off in a sense, he will only get worse and I would hate for him to scare you off like that.

[luvtoto]

Riddler, thanks for replying so fast. I appreciate your support.

 

We have had a few conversations on it this weekend. I even brought up the subject that he should meet my LS friends, so they can help him.

 

I can't see myself breaking up with him. Which is strange...for me. Haha.

 

But, I would reeaallly like to get through to him how I feel, WITHOUT crushing his self-esteem.

[Pyro]

Riddler, thanks for replying so fast. I appreciate your support.

 

We have had a few conversations on it this weekend. I even brought up the subject that he should meet my LS friends, so they can help him.

 

I can't see myself breaking up with him. Which is strange...for me. Haha.

 

But, I would reeaallly like to get through to him how I feel, WITHOUT crushing his self-esteem.

 

No problem, what are LS friends for?

 

There is no need to break up with him over this. You just need to word it in the right way. Tell him that you appreciate all the attention that you receive from him, but sometimes its a little too much. I don't see the crushing of the self-esteem in that. If he really likes/loves you, then he should be able to see where you are coming from and should hopefully back off a little.

[johan]

But, I would reeaallly like to get through to him how I feel, WITHOUT crushing his self-esteem.

 

So your true feelings are essentially being held hostage by what you consider to be his weak self-esteem.

 

It's true the newness will subside over time, but if you think this is about his self-esteem, then that has nothing to do with a new relationship. And that will be an issue for you ten years from now.

 

I think you should be able to tell him how you feel (good and bad) in a frank way, assert yourself and what you want, and he should be able to respond to you as your equal. So tell him, "I think you're acting like a wuss lately. What's up with that? There's no way I'm going to sign up to be the center of your universe, so why don't you find some other things to occupy yourself? I'll still be here, and chances are I'll like you better."

 

Have him read your first post on this thread, but take out the stuff about breaking up. That shouldn't come up until you've made the decision to do it. Otherwise everything should be about fixing things and working for a future.

 

And I wouldn't turn him on to LS, or else you'll lose this as a place you can turn to to work things out on your own.

[luvtoto]

No problem, what are LS friends for?

 

There is no need to break up with him over this. You just need to word it in the right way. Tell him that you appreciate all the attention that you receive from him, but sometimes its a little too much. I don't see the crushing of the self-esteem in that. If he really likes/loves you, then he should be able to see where you are coming from and should hopefully back off a little.

Well, I've said that...to the point of asking him to not touch me so much anymore. When I first wake up in the morning, I usually have my back to him...because I know that if I look his way, I will be bombarded with affection. I mean, I have my back to him...and he still kisses the back of my head and my back.

 

I am not an affectionate person.

 

We are clashing in that aspect.

 

I don't necessarily see him as clingy. He's just extremely affectionate.

 

Hugs, kisses and plenty of attention.

[alphamale]

nice guy who is too attentive will finish last with women.

[IpAncA]

What did he say when you talked to him?

[Pyro]

Well, I've said that...to the point of asking him to not touch me so much anymore. When I first wake up in the morning, I usually have my back to him...because I know that if I look his way, I will be bombarded with affection. I mean, I have my back to him...and he still kisses the back of my head and my back.

 

I am not an affectionate person.

 

We are clashing in that aspect.

 

I don't necessarily see him as clingy. He's just extremely affectionate.

 

Hugs, kisses and plenty of attention.

 

It can be rather difficult to have an affectionate person be not so affectionate.

 

Johan makes a good point. You need to share your true feelings with him, without the fear of hurting his self-esteem, otherwise this problem will only bottle up and get worse as time goes on.

 

IMO, this is something that should not affect his self-esteem whatsoever, but that is just me.

[johan]

nice guy who is too attentive will finish last with women.

 

I don't think so, Alpha. I think you have to be extra nice in order to express your inner child. And it also makes women feel loved and secure, and that is important to them. It's very important, because otherwise they can feel sad and afraid. And that's never a good thing.

 

Get with the program.

[Pyro]

I don't think so, Alpha. I think you have to be extra nice in order to express your inner child. And it also makes women feel loved and secure, and that is important to them. It's very important, because otherwise they can feel sad and afraid. And that's never a good thing.

 

Get with the program.

 

Just as long as the guy, or girl doesn't go way overboard with it, than its fine, otherwise you could scare them away. But I think that Luv's man is borderline right now.

[johan]

Johan makes a good point.

 

Damn right.

 

Another thing. Instead of being nice about it and dancing around his feelings, you should see if you can get him pissed. Have you ever had him pissed at you? You're probably going to get more honesty out of him if you can get him into an argument about it. If you can get him fighting about these things, you might be able to condition him to be stronger with you.

[luvtoto]

What did he say when you talked to him?

He seems understanding about it. He says that he is lonely during the week, living in his big house up on the hill with his cat. He said that when he comes home, basically all he has to do is feed his cat. That's his only responsibility.

 

Then, he said on the weekends when he is with me, he is happy to have me around because he loves spending time with me.

 

Now, after our talk, you can tell that he wants to reach out to me, but he isn't. For fear of being clingy on me again.

 

He probably deserves better than me.

[luvtoto]

Damn right.

 

Another thing. Instead of being nice about it and dancing around his feelings, you should see if you can get him pissed. Have you ever had him pissed at you? You're probably going to get more honesty out of him if you can get him into an argument about it. If you can get him fighting about these things, you might be able to condition him to be stronger with you.

Nope. No anger. He just sulks.

 

I've said a couple rude things this weekend about it. Like, "geez, I just want to sleep without you always touching me!"

 

I am so tempted to have you guys talk to him, but I will keep this place secret. I wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardize my support system.

[Pyro]

Damn right.

 

Another thing. Instead of being nice about it and dancing around his feelings, you should see if you can get him pissed. Have you ever had him pissed at you? You're probably going to get more honesty out of him if you can get him into an argument about it. If you can get him fighting about these things, you might be able to condition him to be stronger with you.

 

Nah, I don't think its right to purposely create an arguement. This is what communication skills is for. To be able to talk things through.

[Pyro]

He seems understanding about it. He says that he is lonely during the week, living in his big house up on the hill with his cat. He said that when he comes home, basically all he has to do is feed his cat. That's his only responsibility.

 

Then, he said on the weekends when he is with me, he is happy to have me around because he loves spending time with me.

 

Now, after our talk, you can tell that he wants to reach out to me, but he isn't. For fear of being clingy on me again.

 

He probably deserves better than me.

 

You need to put your foot down in a sense. Tell him that you are not the affectionate type and all the extra attention makes you uncomfortable.

 

Better than you? Is that possible?

[luvtoto]

Nah, I don't think its right to purposely create an arguement. This is what communication skills is for. To be able to talk things through.

I have BEEN communicating things to him, Riddler, for the last two weeks. He just isn't getting it! I am about to get into it with him.

 

How can you go to sleep being told, "Geez, I just want to sleep without you always cuddling up on me!"

 

Then..

 

Wake up and have them cuddling on you??

 

Grrrr...

 

Then, when you say something to them again, they say, "I didn't touch you all night!"

[luvtoto]

You need to put your foot down in a sense. Tell him that you are not the affectionate type and all the extra attention makes you uncomfortable.

I have said that. Over and over again to him. It's a very common thing to come out of my mouth around him.

 

I like so much about him...except for that constant touchy-feely crap!

[Pyro]

I have said that. Over and over again to him. It's a very common thing to come out of my mouth around him.

 

I like so much about him...except for that constant touchy-feely crap!

 

Well then now is the time to get mean about it. I don't know Luv, it seems like you can't get anything through this guys head.

[luvtoto]

It's true the newness will subside over time, but if you think this is about his self-esteem, then that has nothing to do with a new relationship. And that will be an issue for you ten years from now.

Johan, he thinks he is a loser, just because he doesn't have a career at 34 yrs old. He told me that this weekend.

 

However, I see him differently. I look up to him. He is comedically-funny, intelligent, successful & a jack-of-all-trades.

 

He just doesn't see that as enough. He measures success by his non-existent career or status in life, not by his character. His father taught him that. (eventhough he has two degrees in graphic design)

 

Now, by me telling him he's too affectionate, and trying to change him, I think it's hurting him more than helping him.

 

But, I can't help it!!! I am not affectionate. Blah!

 

We are compatible in so many ways, except for the kissing, and the over-affection stuff.

 

This guy has potential dripping from his pores.

[Pyro]

Johan, he thinks he is a loser, just because he doesn't have a career at 34 yrs old. He told me that this weekend.

 

However, I see him differently. I look up to him. He is comedically-funny, intelligent, successful & a jack-of-all-trades.

 

He just doesn't see that as enough. He measures success by his non-existent career or status in life, not by his character. His father taught him that. (eventhough he has two degrees in graphic design)

 

Now, by me telling him he's too affectionate, and trying to change him, I think it's hurting him more than helping him.

 

But, I can't help it!!! I am not affectionate. Blah!

 

We are compatible in so many ways, except for the kissing, and the over-affection stuff.

 

This guy has potential dripping from his pores.

 

This is something that I have noticed through my experience. I dated a couple of females who had the same attitude as your guy. I also had a friend who was the same way. They all lacked self esteem and tended to try too hard in the relationship and all the results were the same: a failure.

 

I am not saying that the relationship is doomed but some things must change or else I see nothing but bad results. If you keep talking to him and nothing is changing, then I don't know Luv. You can only talk to someone about the same thing so many times.

[johan]

It could be that he's not being nice enough to you. Maybe if he bought you a few more gifts or broke in and surprised you with a nice dinner at your place when you get home from work, and gave you a long massage and just made the entire evening all about you, maybe that would fix things.

 

I'm not good at this stuff though. I think this is where one of the stronger alpha male types might be able to offer some input on how he could win your heart with kindness. Which is clearly what is needed here. Are there any guys like that on this site? Some real ladies' men?

 

Regarding your comments on his potential: if he never reaches it, then you have to wonder if the potential was ever there.

 

Regarding your comment that he deserves better than you: oh bull. He's lucky to have you. And he deserves what he gets. He could get better (a non-doubting you) if he were able to see how his problems are contributing to this. And if he were to address them.

 

If he can't do that, then the question still remains: what is his potential?

[Art_Critic]

I'm starting to believe that you just are not into him Luvtoto..

 

That is why it seems that EVERYTHING this guy does bugs you...

 

If you were into him then you would just smile when he does his thing and say something cutesier back to him... knowing that things will lossen up later on..

All relationships start this way..

 

I happen to be a romantic who gives flowers/stuffed animals to someone all the time.. I've never had trouble with a girl responding to niceness unless we weren't meant to be together and it wasn't in the cards for us...

[Pyro]

It could be that he's not being nice enough to you. Maybe if he bought you a few more gifts or broke in and surprised you with a nice dinner at your place when you get home from work, and gave you a long massage and just made the entire evening all about you, maybe that would fix things.

 

I'm not good at this stuff though. I think this is where one of the stronger alpha male types might be able to offer some input on how he could win your heart with kindness. Which is clearly what is needed here. Are there any guys like that on this site? Some real ladies' men?

 

Regarding your comments on his potential: if he never reaches it, then you have to wonder if the potential was ever there.

 

Regarding your comment that he deserves better than you: oh bull. He's lucky to have you. And he deserves what he gets. He could get better (a non-doubting you) if he were able to see how his problems are contributing to this. And if he were to address them.

 

If he can't do that, then the question still remains: what is his potential?

 

You just need to know the point when too much is too much or when the effort is not enough. Unfortunately, this can be difficult for many people.

[alphamale]

I'm starting to believe that you just are not into him Luvtoto..

well A_c....the fact that she's posting this makes it painfully obvious.