Different views on "effort"

[Walk]

My bf told me today that he felt I wasn't putting forth enough effort into the relationship. That it's him putting in a ton of effort. And that I'm not taking his feelings, thoughts and stuff into consideration. That he's working really hard, 16-18 hours 6 days a week to make sure we have shelter, food, etc. That every one in his life wants more from him. That after all he does for me, I then seem to want more from him.

 

The story... we had sex thursday evening, and I was.. uh, less then lubricated, I guess you could say. He took it personally. Friday he worked all day, and saturday I was suggesting maybe we could get our grove on in the bedroom.. he kept saying, no. He was tired. No he hadn't showered. No, he didn't feel like it. No no no no no no...

 

So we're in the car later and he asks me whats wrong, and I tell him (cause he JUST said it again that he didn't want sex with me after an innuendo I made) I told him that it was hurting my feelings that he was so opposed to having sex with me. That it was really making me feel like "Ick". (My verbal skills were not up to par last night) He explained that he felt hurt that I hadn't been excited thurs night and he was saying he didn't want to have sex as a defense mechanism, that he did, he was just feeling a bit put off, that it'd hurt his male ego, thats all.

 

Ok.. So after the conversation above, and having dinner and stuff, I'm joking around about how I have homework and it's between his legs. And he's again telling me no.. no.. Then after a bit he gets up and takes a shower, I run upstairs when i hear the shower go off and I'm trying my hardest to be sexy and provocative. I'm the first thing he see's walking out of the bathroom, nude, rubbing myself....

 

He says... "You have to use the bathroom?" I say, "No." He says, "It's right in there" and points at the open door right in front of me. (He KNOWS what I wanted by standing there. This wasn't the first time I'd done this, and he had ASKED me to do this in the past.)

 

So, I'm crushed at this point. Hurt. He walks into the bedroom. He's getting a shirt or something, I don't know. I'm still standing in front of the bathroom. He pokes his head out and says "whatcha doing?" I say "nothing." He goes back in bedroom. I follow. Start putting my clothes back on. He sits on the bed. He said something like why are you getting dressed or something... And I told him he didn't seem interested in sex, so I was getting dressed.. Then I said, as seductively as I could.. "but if you've changed your mind.." and started taking my pants off again..

 

He got upset.. I forgot what he said now.. but was along the lines of how I wasn't being very sexual toward him. and he didn't find the naked body arousing, and that I wasn't being arousing to him.

 

He slept on the couch last night.

 

Get up this morning. And he starts saying all the above (first paragraph) and how I didn't try last night.

 

Of course, I get upset. Try to explain that I felt like he didn't want me. That I was hurt, and NOT feeling sexual. That he blew me off, not hte other way around... He sticks to his decision that I was basically half-assing it. Starts listing off a ton of stuff i could've done. Could've said. Could've thought of. But that I "Just gave up". That as soon as it got a little difficult I quit.

 

bunch more stuff about how he doesn't quit. How it's unfiar of me to ask him to do more... how I'd said it was supposed to be his day yesterday and then I didn't follow through on it.

 

I'm stunned more then mad right now. I'm trying to figure out WTF happened. I don't know if I'm really just not being clear when I talk.. He seemed to think I should set aside my little emotional disturbances for his well being, because he puts aside his discomfort to do so much for me. And he does do a lot for me. An incredible amount. But I really thought I WAS going out of my way to show him I desired him and wanted him to be happy.

 

I don't understand.....

 

And the worst part.. (to me), I had JUST told him that morning, that I was feeling like a failure. That everything I try never works. School, getting a job, my family, I'm feeling really incompetent and incapable right now.. and he hits me with this whole idea of how I'm not even showing him I appreciate him correctly.

 

I don't quite know what to do now... Part of me understands where he's coming from... his friends, job, family, are all asking more and more from him. The two of us only have a very limited time to spend together every week, and he's trying his hardest to fit everyone in and still make me feel special. I can understand why he would feel stretched thin, and over burdened. But I can't accept responsibility for something I don't feel I did wrong. I'm not going to apologize when I did put forth effort, and I did attempt to communicate my mentality, and I did put effort into showing him I appreciate him.

 

How do I find a middle ground here? Any ideas...

 

p.s. I don't mind getting criticism, or opinions that conflict with my own, and I'm very happy to get well thought out posts, but if all you can say is "break up" then save yourself the wasted time and effort...

[someone2]

I think there is something your bf is not telling you. There is a side of this story that you just haven't seen.

 

Believe me, if a man says NO to having sex with his gf when she is NAKED in front of him, it is an indication something really is going on here.

 

It is not about you not putting enough effort into this relationship. This is just one of those meaningless things men say when they actually don't know what to say.

 

Can you give us some more info about your relationship with him? What kind of a person is he? What kind of a person are you? Do you always let him have his way? Or do you like to have your way from time to time? Is he a control freak? Do you always say yes to him? Questions like these can make us better understand the hidden part of this story.

[Trialbyfire]

Ick. So you weren't exactly in the mood one night, big deal. You weren't jacking with him. At least you tried.

 

Why do people use sex to control the other party in a relationship? It really spoils the experience. Tell him that if he's willing to discuss his issues in a mature and honest fashion, do so. Otherwise, you will not be the butt-boy for all his problems. Also, let him know that when he feels up to the situation again, he can approach you to get close. That you have debase yourself to get some is ridiculous.

[Walk]

I think there is something your bf is not telling you. There is a side of this story that you just haven't seen.

 

Can you give us some more info about your relationship with him? What kind of a person is he? What kind of a person are you? Do you always let him have his way? Or do you like to have your way from time to time? Is he a control freak? Do you always say yes to him? Questions like these can make us better understand the hidden part of this story.

 

We've been together almost 3 yrs. Live together. Lately he's been giving me a ton of money. I was kind of worried that he was going to feel taken advantage of, but when I try to give the money back he won't accept it. Wouldn't let me pay for stuff when we went out. etc.. So I was trying to step up the "sexual side" but man.. I'm just not feeling that way lately. I tried explaining that, but he takes it as a hit against his man hood. I don't have a reason i can't point to and say, "It's because of this!" it's just stress and hormones.

 

On the side, and I'm not sure this has anything to do with it.. we found out that his brothers exgf had been cheating on the brother for the past 3 months without the brother knowing.. and so there's been a lot of drama with the brothers life lately. I had cheated on my exh long time ago, and my bf trusts me that I'm never going to do that agian.. but sometimes I worry that when things like this come up, that maybe his trust gets shaken a bit. And maybe he was looking for reassurance. And me not being excited might point toward me wanting soemone else?

 

My bf is gone all week for work, only home on weekends. And he came home friday for the first time in months without calling first. I got home probably half and hour after her got there, and he seemed a bit ... weird. It was just kind of different from norm is all. Not sure if it meant anything, or I just interpretted his being tired wrong...

 

It might have absolutely nothing to do with any of that... I'm not sure.. I'll have to think about it a bit.

[Stunner]

He reminds me of my controlling ex. What a big baby. He got upset because your body didn't react the way he wanted...Pfffft. Now, it seems from my POV he's using sex as a weapon. It sounds to me either he needs to grow up a little and make himself a little happy with work, etc. OR, he's a little on the controlling, manipulative side.

[allina]

maybe he feels like you weren't natural or sincere with your sexual come-ons? Like it was pitty sex or something? I would sort of feel that way in his position.

[Guest]

He's still someone with issues with hair on. You still need to lose him. You should collect all your posts about him and then read posts by people like Quank about their spouses. The difference between a good relationship and a bad one is VAST but when you're used to a bad one, you know no better. I wish you'd get out and find someone worthy of you.

[Walk]

Thank you for the replies.

 

Yesterday afternoon he tried to clarify that he wasn't upset that I wasn't "in the mood". He said he had wanted me to in essence "chase" him a bit because he was feeling that I was more focused on everything BUT him. He also asked that (both of us) communicate more clearly on what is going on in our heads.

 

I'm not sure what to think..

 

Plus, he implied that he's really concerned about when I go back to work in April. He said that the dynamics of the relationship will change, and he's worried that the relationship won't withstand those changes. I think he's worried that I'm going to start brushing him off, or not taking him into consideration.. like I'll get a big head or soemthing and the relationship will go down the toilet. But what am I supposed to do? Not get a job? hahah

 

I'm confused... think I'll just set this aside for now. I have a job interview today, and who knows.. I might not ever get hired, and then my bf won't have to worry about changing dynamics.

[a4a]

Well Walk break a leg on the interview.

 

Are you sure you are really hearing what your bf is saying? Hash this out with him. Sounds like he is asking for more communication from you, quality time. It sounds like he wants to be reassured that he is important to you.

 

Are you really making an effort to let him know you care in a manner that he desires? Not what you think he wants, but what he really wants..... you may have to ask him.

[Guest]

a4a read Walk's other posts. She twists herself into a pretzel to please him. He's one of those sorts who can't see beyond his own wants and needs. She'll be dead before she can configure herself exactly perfectly to meet his every need. But is he doing anything like that for her? Hell no.

[a4a]

Walk has also posted if I recall correctly that at times she will plan on doing something for him but never gets around to it, or something thwarts her efforts. Correct me if I am wrong Walk?

 

So maybe he is really not getting what he desires or wants from her. His needs are not being met? That is what he is saying?

 

But I really thought I WAS going out of my way to show him I desired him and wanted him to be happy. (quoted from Walk)

 

 

Perhaps she is not speaking his language? So she is putting effort into something he does not really value?

 

Well he is working 6 days a week and paying the majority of bills(?) and doesn't get too much quality time with her because of her school and his work....... maybe he is feeling resentful?

[Walk]

Walk has also posted if I recall correctly that at times she will plan on doing something for him but never gets around to it, or something thwarts her efforts. Correct me if I am wrong Walk?

 

I always have big plans... big, big plans... just seem to get thwarted a lot. He was kind of saying he wants me to be more.. uh.. forceful in implementing action. Instead of asking if it's ok if I do this, or if he'd mind, just do it. I guess it'd be kind of like if you're husband asked your permission to take you on a picnic, and you were feeling like he didn't really want to. If he asks, you're probably going to say no.. but if he just did it, took you, you'd probably be inclined to think he did it because he WANTED to do it for you.

 

So maybe he is really not getting what he desires or wants from her. His needs are not being met? That is what he is saying?

 

Yeah.. but I originally thought it was lack of sex, and seems it was just that I wasn't clearly communicating. He wanted to know that I do desire him but that my body wasn't catching up to speed. Wanted me to verbalize what I meant if I couldn't show him through actions. Or at least communicate a desire to meet his needs instead of making it seem like I'm going through the motions.

 

Perhaps she is not speaking his language? So she is putting effort into something he does not really value?

 

This is so frustrating to me. To feel like I put in X amount of effort and he doesn't see it. I see the same from him sometimes.. I see him putting in a ton of effort on something that really doesnt' mean that much to me. And then he gets frustrated because it didn't garner the result he had hoped it would. Things have gotten 110% better in this relationship during this past year, but I think we stumbled a bit on saturday. Fell into old patterns for whatever reason.

 

Well he is working 6 days a week and paying the majority of bills(?) and doesn't get too much quality time with her because of her school and his work....... maybe he is feeling resentful?

 

He's paying for everything now since my parents fell through on lending a hand with things. And every single day he's at work, his bosses are yelling at him, calling him lazy because he doesn't want to work 20 hour days every single day. His brother asked him again this weekend when he'd have that $1400 bucks to pay off his license. Not one person in his family called him to wish him a happy thanksgiving, and it didn't really matter anyway since he only got 12 hours off from work and ended up sleeping most of those.

 

Anyway.. Yeah, I think he's feeling resentful, or was at the time.

[a4a]

In between appts. right now so may have to cut it short.

 

Walk start being motivated in your R.

 

You have to take on the initiative to make him feel like he is important to you. You have to not just plan but actually do it. I tell my H just because he thinks about it does not make it real for me. You know how much you wanted to, but he is not living in your head to see how much you care..... actions show that to him.

 

I think his message was not about you not just being aroused but that he feels like you just don't want him in general. Then when you did "come on to him" he probably felt like you were doing so because you had to.

 

You need to get a little more aggressive and not just sexually. You need to ask him what he wants. Ask what is important to him, let him know he is the most important person in your life (is he?).

 

Your bf sounds like he is asked to give quite a bit to others but probably is overwhelmed at this point and needs you to lean on a bit for emotional support. Let him know that someone wants to give to him, even if it is just a little. Come up with something off the wall and were you have to put effort into it that he recognizes and appreciates.

 

When you start working can he not cut back his schedule a litte? Have you discussed or planned this with him?

[Walk]

Spot on! This is totally what he was trying to say!

 

You have to take on the initiative to make him feel like he is important to you. You have to not just plan but actually do it. I tell my H just because he thinks about it does not make it real for me. You know how much you wanted to, but he is not living in your head to see how much you care..... actions show that to him.

I think his message was not about you not just being aroused but that he feels like you just don't want him in general. Then when you did "come on to him" he probably felt like you were doing so because you had to.

 

You need to get a little more aggressive and not just sexually. You need to ask him what he wants. Ask what is important to him, let him know he is the most important person in your life (is he?).

 

Your bf sounds like he is asked to give quite a bit to others but probably is overwhelmed at this point and needs you to lean on a bit for emotional support. Let him know that someone wants to give to him, even if it is just a little. Come up with something off the wall and were you have to put effort into it that he recognizes and appreciates.

 

When you start working can he not cut back his schedule a litte? Have you discussed or planned this with him?

 

 

The part in bold was the main point I think he was trying to get across...

 

So... have any ideas for off the wall, effort showing, action that will work on an exhausted man?

 

I'm really hoping he'll be able to flat out quit his job and spend a long time in R and R. He needs about a 2 year break after the hell he's been through the last 3 years. I doubt he'll take more than a week or two off, but he definitely wants to find a less demanding career as soon as I get settled at a company.

 

Thanks for your feedback A4a!!!!!!!!! I feel better about the whole conversation now. Just have to figure out what I can do to show him I do appreciate and value what he's given toward this relationship.

 

I can't even describe all the stuff he does for me. Just amazing.