Peppermintpatti Posted November 26, 2006 Posted November 26, 2006 I have been with my MM for 4.5 years. A few months into the relationship the wife found out about us moved out for a year. Next thing I know shes back there back buying a house etc.. But yet we still continued our relationship. He always called, made time for us etc... Move forward to this past July. Things changed. The daily phone calls became every few days, lacking in returning my phone calls and the physical came to a complete halt. Well that was not sitting well with me. So I backed off and can't count how many times I said I am not going to be with someone who doesn't want to see me. Than I get sucked right back in. And then a few days later the lack of communication starts, the sure we can get together this weekend, then I don't hear from him. I have seen this man 2 times since july. And everytime time I say its over he weasels back into my life. BUT does not make the time to see me. Wed he said we would meet after work, well that didn't happen no phone call, nothing, till i texted him and said Have a great holiday season. Then my phone rings and he said some excuse. So move to friday, I said do you think we can get together possibly sunday, I really want to spend time with you. He said I will check whats going on at home and let me know Saturday. Well guess what never heard from him, so I called he didn't answer. So I texted him and said pardon me but if my ears heard correct I thought you were going to let me know if Sunday is on.. No response back. Move forward to 5 hours later. Now I am pissed, so texted him At least now I know what little respect you have for me. Like you always say ACTIONS speak louder than words. No worry I will no longer be a inconvenience to you anymore... Why does this man keep playing this emotional game with me. Every time I say its over he sucks me right back? Is he getting off on this? I would think after 4 .5 years this relationship means something, so why is he doing this. I am so physcially sick right now over this and so confused.
kymberann Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 That's part of the game...to keep you in confusion. It sounds like you don't know where you stand or where you do want to stand with the MM. Do you want out? Do you want him to keep weaseling back in? HOw many more years is this worth to you? I know, this is hard stuff to bear, but as I have learned and learning to heal, it comes with the territory. I hope you can be strong enough to find out what needs to work for you! We'll be here! Best
GreenEyedLady Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 Hi PeppermintPatti! I am sorry for your hurt and confusion...I think you have a pretty good grasp of the situation...He sounds pretty wishy-washy...do what you need to, to get through it...try to focus on you and not on him...in the meantime, we're here for you...
Author Peppermintpatti Posted November 27, 2006 Author Posted November 27, 2006 Thank you for your posts. I have gave him numerous opportunities to end this. But he doesn't. So I just don't get why he does this let alone why I put up with it. Everything was great till july hit, never doubted or questioned our relationship. Now I just don't have a darn clue, thats why I am so confused. And I get no answers when I ask what the heck happened.
pureinheart Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 Why does this man keep playing this emotional game with me. Every time I say its over he sucks me right back? Is he getting off on this? I would think after 4 .5 years this relationship means something, so why is he doing this. I am so physcially sick right now over this and so confused. (By Peppermintpatti) I understand completely....had almost the same thing....it's like I couldn't get free of this sick mess.... He does it because he can I was literally physically ill also, not just because of MM, but so many other things that had happened in the same 2 or 3 yrs. I got rid of MM, took MY life back and am juicing, sweating (to clean the toxins out), jogging, exersizing....ect. I love the way you told the story, it made it easy to read by saying "move forward to..." have never seen that before...too cool.... Ok g/f.....move forward to 3 mo from now....peppermintpati is rid of MM and is happy, healthy and wise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go for it
Author Peppermintpatti Posted November 27, 2006 Author Posted November 27, 2006 The dating scene never crossed my thoughts, even though I am always accused of it when I go out. Getting to the point hey why not....
Author Peppermintpatti Posted November 27, 2006 Author Posted November 27, 2006 Bonehead, yeah, your right I do, don't I!!! I am so scared of loosing him. I feel like i would be lost given our history.Peppermint never following thru your right. Guess I am scared what will happen if i do.
bonehead Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 Bonehead, yeah, your right I do, don't I!!! I am so scared of loosing him. I feel like i would be lost given our history.Peppermint never following thru your right. Guess I am scared what will happen if i do. But what are you gaining in the situation right now? I hae been in his shoes ( as in being the MM ) and in yours ( being OM ) ( with the same woman ). If he is buying a house with her then he is making future plans with her.
Author Peppermintpatti Posted November 27, 2006 Author Posted November 27, 2006 That was 2 years ago, at first I was a little ticked the way I found out, but we got past that, and nothing changed in the relationship because of that. And just one day in july overnight things have never been the same. And I dont know why. Maybe it is time to throw in the towel cause as much as i hate to give up, given the past, I don't have a clue whats going on or what to do. And frankly I am getting very tired of this "game" I found myself in. Thats why I am here to get words of wisdom and insight, cuz I sure the heck don't know how this came about...
Jane Doe Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 I am so scared of loosing him. But don't you understand? You never had him to begin with. I know that hurts to read and I honestly don't mean it in a bad way, but it's the truth. This game he's been playing with your heart has been going on long enough. It'll continue as long as you keep hanging on but you're going nowhere. He's back with his wife and they're buying a home together. He's stopped having sex with you. He doesn't return your calls. He doesn't keep his promises. How many more clues do you need? Please, please shut this guy out of your life completely. Otherwise, you're going to be posting here 10 years later in the same predicament. If after all this time he hasn't made a commitment to you, he's not going to. Take it from someone who knows. Don't waste one single minute more of your life on this guy. He only wants to play with you and boost his feagile ego. That's it. Nothing more. His wife is where his heart is.
whichwayisup Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 Thank you for your posts. I have gave him numerous opportunities to end this. But he doesn't. So I just don't get why he does this let alone why I put up with it. Everything was great till july hit, never doubted or questioned our relationship. Now I just don't have a darn clue, thats why I am so confused. And I get no answers when I ask what the heck happened. Why don't YOU end it? You're letting him do this to you! So, stop. Now. I have seen this man 2 times since july. And everytime time I say its over he weasels back into my life. BUT does not make the time to see me. He knows exactly how to play you and sadly, you're letting him treat you worse than a piece of sh_t! STOP! Don't try to figure him out, just get him OUT of your life. Move on. Heal and get therapy if you need to help you cope. He is poison to you, yet you're enabling his behaviour by letting him use you. Sorry, but that is what he is doing...Using you for his own selfish needs. He says JUMP and you say HOW HIGH. Sorry to sound harsh, it's just you're better than this. You deserve more than this a-hole! Get angry, end it and don't ever look back.
whichwayisup Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 I am so scared of loosing him. I feel like i would be lost given our history. Some history! He's seen you two times since July. Shows you what he thinks of your history with him. I'm not saying this to hurt you, I'm saying this because you need to see things as they are. Take a giant step back, pretend it's someone else in your shoes...Detach abit and then think exactly what it is that you love about this man. What real happiness does he give you? Is afew stolen moments of feeling good worth all your tears, loneliness and sorrow? Continue down this path any longer, this WILL be your life, for a very long time. End it for your own sanity.
pureinheart Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 Why don't YOU end it? You're letting him do this to you! So, stop. Now. He knows exactly how to play you and sadly, you're letting him treat you worse than a piece of sh_t! STOP! Don't try to figure him out, just get him OUT of your life. Move on. Heal and get therapy if you need to help you cope. He is poison to you, yet you're enabling his behaviour by letting him use you. Sorry, but that is what he is doing...Using you for his own selfish needs. He says JUMP and you say HOW HIGH. Sorry to sound harsh, it's just you're better than this. You deserve more than this a-hole! Get angry, end it and don't ever look back. I was in the same type of situation and nothing was making any sense....night after night agonizing at times till the point of becoming numb and withdrawn.... Looking for answers and there were none that I wanted to hear. The part of WWIU's post that caught my eye is, "Don't try to figure him out,....". The way your thinking is now you won't figure him out, it will only be when you are out of it and realize the truth that you will understand all that has happened to you. I asked the same questions in my mind over and over with no resolve. I was in a prision constructed by my own hands and will. For some reason we think we have to be there.... I have to ask....do you want out? Do you believe you have a choice in this matter?
lovernotafighter Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 I dunno peppermint..I think there might be yet another OW...kinda sounds like that might be the case...I think you might want to let relationship finally go.
kymberann Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 Hi peppermint, I hope some of these posts have given you food for thought. I know right now you are searching for answers and seeking closure. Unfortunately because of the situations that we are in, you and I and many others will have to find our own closure! I came up with a new mantra "The answer is there are no answers". THat's the one thing that works fore me right now. Just think, you are free if and when you choose to be! No more second best, no more waiting around, changing YOUR plans at the last minute. No more second guessing yourself or MM. Screw him, let him be, he can clean up his own mess, without you! Let him get caught up with this other other woman, it will catch up! But you are free! Take time to grieve, but realize staying in this mess just adds up to more pain and drama and heartache! Best to you!
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 I agree completely with Lover, reading your post, no change when buying the home, nope its not that he's rebuilding things with his wife, it's another ow (in my opinion). He would like very much I'm sure for you to wait around though, just incase this doesn't pan out. Surely, if he was interested he would have seen you more than twice since July. I wonder how many OW he juggles at a time. I'm sorry for your pain, I'm sorry you are wasting so much time on someone who seems to have very little respect for your life. You can't expect someone, I believe, to have more respect for you than you have for yourself. Find yourself and I'm sure some wonderful SG will be knocking your door down to get your attention. He isn't worth it!
PoshPrincess Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 Hi Peppermint Patti, so sorry for everything you're going through. Sounds to me like your MM is being a total coward (as most of them seem to be!) A similar sitch happened with me and my ex-MM although I will never know if this was directly anything to do with his W or not (we never really discussed their M in any detail). The calls and visits got less and it wasn't because he didn't feel something for me but because he realised no matter how he felt, at the end of the day, he couldn't leave. He couldn't see me when he wanted but didn't have the guts to leave either. Fair enough. I just wish he had been more honest with me but then these Rs are always based on lies (and I knew the score from the start) so I can't exactly complain. These MM are generally cowards who don't have the courage of their convictions. They don't have the balls to leave an unhappy home BEFORE they embark on a new R and most still don't have the balls to leave after. Some of course just want to have their cake and eat it which can go on and on until the W finds out (and in some cases such as yours and mine, even after that!) I know everyone is telling you to end it and, yes, they're right, but you can only do that in your own time when you feel truly strong enough. I was in a mess a few months ago (am still in counselling and on anti-ds) and thought I would never have the courage to end it but eventually I did, am now seeing a SG and am very happy and I bloody deserve to be (although do agree that I deserved the misery also - I have to take responsibility for some of the grief). Yes, of course I miss my MM and think about him a lot but I know I have done the right thing - for all of us. Lots of luck
oyster Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 simple solution 1- set yourself free, start dating others 2- if for any odds, he ends his relationship with his wife and OW, then you have to start from beginning. He will have to convince you why he should be taken back 3- Most likely with your new boyfriend, 6-12 months into a new relationship, the MM will knock on your door. This will be test of solidity with your new boyfriend Deep down #2 has low success rate because human beings are lazy. Why divorce? why move out of cozy house? why have to pay support to ex-wife when wife is OK with your affairs.
PoshPrincess Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 3- Most likely with your new boyfriend, 6-12 months into a new relationship, the MM will knock on your door. This will be test of solidity with your new boyfriend Oh God, DON'T tell us that! I have been with my new man for a few weeks and at the very beginning a psychic (who up to now has been totally reliable!) told me that MM and I were going to be together next Feb/March. I came out of my appointment choosing not to believe her. She told me the same last time and I wanted to believe her then but not now! Of course, the thought of him turning up again kind of scares me as I know part of me still loves him (I haven't got to the LOVE stage with SG yet although he makes me VERY happy) and I don't know what I would do. If he was still with his W then the answer is obvious. What freaks me out most would be him turning up saying he has left, wants to be with me, etc.....Not something I would like to have to make a decision on.
puddleofmud Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 I am with you on this one! I abhor this guy but he was always very demonstrative--showing up without notice with bundles of flowers, calling me in the middle of a business meeting just to tell me what to expect when I got home.... I am the perverbial orphan at the "more please sir--may I have some more" freezed frame of virtual and what now is seeming like never ending starvation. Wouldn't it be rich if they caught us off guard and a little too hungry? What would we do? EEEEKS!
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 He is slowly working you out of his life. He still wants to know you are there in case he needs you, but as his needs for you diminish further he will contact you less and less. He needs to feel that he is the one in control of the situation though, so that is why he makes sure that you are not the one backing off - he makes sure that you stay put while he gets further and further away. I guess it comes down to this. How long do you put your life on hold for someone who is walking away from you?
Author Peppermintpatti Posted November 28, 2006 Author Posted November 28, 2006 I do know I can not go on like this. There is not another OW that I am 100% sure on. Something changed and i guess I need to accept that. And I am beginning to see that I doubt I will find a reason for this sudden change in our relationship. For whatever reason he just don't give a darn anymore after all these years and all we been thru and supported one another.
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