I love my bf... But he's a selfish f*** and I think I need to break up

[princessa]

He hasn't been answering my calls for 3 days.. He tends to "retreat" and ignore me for a few days when we have arguments about the relationship... .I've told him many times how miserable and hysterical it makes me.. In the past I've left many messages crying and screaming when he'd do that..... and yet he's still doing it....

 

So here I am wondering why the man who's supposed to love me would purposely leave me in such a miserable state when I didn't do anything to hurt him... He always seems to have excuses for stressing out and shutting out people... He always has excuses to put himself first.. I've invested so much time and money in that guy... I've invested myself to make his life better.. I took care of things for him, I took care of him, I was always there for him... And yet he leaves me like this at the smallest sign of an upcoming argument... He's done nothing tangible to make my life better... Sure he was always around.. But just being there and being himself isn't enough... He's done nothing to show me how much he loves me.. he's done nothing selfless for me, to put my interests first.... He's always had excuses to worry about his own stuff first.. I feel so used I can't believe I accepted all of his excuses for both of us worrying about HIM all this time.... Sure he was in a tough situation.. but now he's doing much better, he has a job, he has time.. and yet he's still done nothing for me....

 

He's a spoiled kid and I don't find it cute anymore... All I can think of right now is just giving him back some stuff he gave me for my bdays and xmas and what not and bounce...

 

Thanks for letting me vent.. Opinions are also appreciated..

[pricillia]

He hasn't been answering my calls for 3 days.. He tends to "retreat" and ignore me for a few days when we have arguments about the relationship... .I've told him many times how miserable and hysterical it makes me.. In the past I've left many messages crying and screaming when he'd do that..... and yet he's still doing it....

 

So here I am wondering why the man who's supposed to love me would purposely leave me in such a miserable state when I didn't do anything to hurt him... He always seems to have excuses for stressing out and shutting out people... He always has excuses to put himself first.. I've invested so much time and money in that guy... I've invested myself to make his life better.. I took care of things for him, I took care of him, I was always there for him... And yet he leaves me like this at the smallest sign of an upcoming argument... He's done nothing tangible to make my life better... Sure he was always around.. But just being there and being himself isn't enough... He's done nothing to show me how much he loves me.. he's done nothing selfless for me, to put my interests first.... He's always had excuses to worry about his own stuff first.. I feel so used I can't believe I accepted all of his excuses for both of us worrying about HIM all this time.... Sure he was in a tough situation.. but now he's doing much better, he has a job, he has time.. and yet he's still done nothing for me....

 

He's a spoiled kid and I don't find it cute anymore... All I can think of right now is just giving him back some stuff he gave me for my bdays and xmas and what not and bounce...

 

Thanks for letting me vent.. Opinions are also appreciated..[/quote

 

In life someimes relationships with SO are stepping stones to the next relationship, every relationship is a learning experience.

[Amour77]

There are people who are selfish like this, there is nothing you can do about it. They won't change, except maybe when the s*** hits the fan, and still....

[Beee]

I was in a slight similar situation. I looked after this guy who was supposed to love me... I took care of him, thought about everything and all I got back was his time spent on video games and other interests.

 

What I have found out is that, the more you mother them (and I guess for women's its their mothering instinct which comes out) the more they take you for granted. If you stop looking after him, if you start looking after yourself more he might wake up and realise what a wonderful girlfriend you are....

 

Let him miss what he takes for granted, show him how ugly life without you can be....

 

If he doesn't change then its not wirth being with him as you are not his mother!

[Art_Critic]

He has been ignoring your calls for days ?? Wtf ? who does that to a SO ?

 

You might want to rethink this relationship..make him part of your past and find someone that isn't so selfish.

[princessa]

He's done that many times in the past... He's immature like that. He avoids and runs away from problems and life's stresses. Apparently sometimes I am a stress.

 

And then when I break up he runs back to me with a million of excuses.

[Art_Critic]

He's done that many times in the past... He's immature like that. He avoids and runs away from problems and life's stresses. Apparently sometimes I am a stress.

 

And then when I break up he runs back to me with a million of excuses.

 

 

Show him that you take his message seriously and make the breakup a permanant one..

 

Taking his shiot and treating you with disrespect and then crawling back to you after you put your foot down is not a healthy relationship.

 

Gosh.. how some I can never find the GF's that take crap and then all is forgiven ?

[princessa]

It's hard to break up with somebody you love.

[pricillia]

He's done that many times in the past... He's immature like that. He avoids and runs away from problems and life's stresses. Apparently sometimes I am a stress.

 

And then when I break up he runs back to me with a million of excuses.

You have been unsatisfied for quite sometime, try something new...

 

but first take a break to regroup

[princessa]

How can I keep myself from falling for his excuses again?

[Beee]

Its very hard to break up with someone you love... I walked out of my 8 year relationship cause I was tired of always being the one to carry the relationships. Due to circumstances and people interferring I have moved back in but my BF (or ex BF, not sure yet) has finally realised what he was doing wrong.

 

Leave him, if he crawls back, give him a last warning, make him understand that its his last chance to change (if he wants that is), if he doesn't change then you are leaving for good! Trust me, we should not be their mothers we are meant to be thier girlfriends and a relationship works 2 ways, I show you respect you it back!

[Trialbyfire]

Whoah hun, run like the wind before you get more hooked.

 

You need a real man not a selfish little boy to have an honest relationship with.

[princessa]

Its very hard to break up with someone you love... I walked out of my 8 year relationship cause I was tired of always being the one to carry the relationships. Due to circumstances and people interferring I have moved back in but my BF (or ex BF, not sure yet) has finally realised what he was doing wrong.

 

Leave him, if he crawls back, give him a last warning, make him understand that its his last chance to change (if he wants that is), if he doesn't change then you are leaving for good! Trust me, we should not be their mothers we are meant to be thier girlfriends and a relationship works 2 ways, I show you respect you it back!

 

Wow I feel for you.. sounds like your situation is kinda similar... Did you often think about breaking up during the 8 years??

 

Last time I left him it was because he wasn't calling enough... Then he crawled back but I still couldn't forvige him.... then he insisted... and said that he realized the things he was doing wrong... that was about 2 months ago.. and he's been calling me almost every day since... until today....

 

Now what, I have to break up with him every time he does something wrong for him to admit it and change?? Wtf

[princessa]

I think I'm gonna pull an ultimatum.....

[princessa]

So the ******* calls me up....... Apparently he's been ignoring me because of some message that I left on his phone 2 days before that... I was trying to tell him that I felt hurt by some of the stuff he said to me before (... that had to do with our sex life).. and that I was just as miserable and insecure as he had gotten because of all of the insensitive stuff that's been said back and forth... I told him I hoped he was proud of what he did and glad that I now have insecurities about myself in bed just like he does.. and I said that I hope he satisfied his big ego by making me feel miserable too...

 

SOMEHOW he took that as an attack towards him... I cannot FREAKIN BELIEVE how selfish he is... I was an emotional mess and I was just trying to tell him how hurt I felt... He doesn't even worry about MY feelings.. all that matters to him is that I seemed to attack him... instead of showing me some reassurance and apologizing for saying stupid stuff, he's worrying about his own ego again..... WTF, cant he just worry about MY feelings for once.?! Gaaaaahh I'm SOOO pissed off I'm about to lose it.

[Guest]

is he a cancer by chance? lol.

 

listen, my ex of a year broke up with me. i mean, the relationship ended months before that. he was also selfish. ill tell you why: him looking at teen porn and getting off to that instead of having sex with me, he looked at craigslist casual sex encounter and escort pages, he pulled back emotionally for months, he didnt have a job, he spends his parents money and he's 28!, he never freely said he loved me. by the end of the relationship, he had made me feel worthless and insecure, because i really think that's how he felt about himself. it was ALL about him and still is. AND he calls me just to say "hi." even after he dumped me. for what? i dont answer his calls, and i wont for a very long time.

 

he has put me through some tough tough times this year and it's because he was SELFISH. you cannot fix that. he has to want to change. mind you, he also didnt talk to me for 2 weeks before breaking up. why? because he's selfish.

 

seriously, dont answer his calls. you really dont need trash like that in your life. when someone is completely focused on himself, like yr ex seems to be, there is no time for you. what makes YOU happy? what do YOU want. i think that's how youre going to have to change. he's obviously not giving you what you want, so let it be.

 

stop answering his calls, dont call him back, nothing! you need to start being selfish now, because you have given him too much and the balance is now waaay off.

 

x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So the ******* calls me up....... Apparently he's been ignoring me because of some message that I left on his phone 2 days before that... I was trying to tell him that I felt hurt by some of the stuff he said to me before (... that had to do with our sex life).. and that I was just as miserable and insecure as he had gotten because of all of the insensitive stuff that's been said back and forth... I told him I hoped he was proud of what he did and glad that I now have insecurities about myself in bed just like he does.. and I said that I hope he satisfied his big ego by making me feel miserable too...

 

SOMEHOW he took that as an attack towards him... I cannot FREAKIN BELIEVE how selfish he is... I was an emotional mess and I was just trying to tell him how hurt I felt... He doesn't even worry about MY feelings.. all that matters to him is that I seemed to attack him... instead of showing me some reassurance and apologizing for saying stupid stuff, he's worrying about his own ego again..... WTF, cant he just worry about MY feelings for once.?! Gaaaaahh I'm SOOO pissed off I'm about to lose it.

[Speedo]

If you're pissed, and want to get revenge and make him see the light all at once, do whatever it takes in you're power to be nice to him, but indifferent when you talk. NC may be necessary coming up, but I would always allow him to contact. When he does, if he talks about the relationship, steer it to something else, like, "guess what I did today!" Or something along those lines. Then, get off the phone first. Trust me, this will drive him absolutely insane. Mine did, and it made me realize that I was neglecting her, and It made me realize that I did infact love her and that I was about to lose her. I changed immediately, but it was too late for me. But if she wanted, she had me hook line and sinker. You can be in a position of power like that too. Just be NICE..no matter what it takes. The whole "kill them with kindness act." Take that and call me in the morning. You won't believe the affect it will have on him and the wonders it will do for you.

[princessa]

Well Guest, I don't have it nearly as bad as you, and I'm sorry that your ex treated you this way. And thanks for your advice.

 

is he a cancer by chance? lol.

 

Okay with this my jaw just dropped a little, lol. Yeah, he's a cancer, why, do cancers tend to be selfish?? Cause I'm a cancer also.......

[princessa]

If you're pissed, and want to get revenge and make him see the light all at once, do whatever it takes in you're power to be nice to him, but indifferent when you talk. NC may be necessary coming up, but I would always allow him to contact. When he does, if he talks about the relationship, steer it to something else, like, "guess what I did today!" Or something along those lines. Then, get off the phone first. Trust me, this will drive him absolutely insane. Mine did, and it made me realize that I was neglecting her, and It made me realize that I did infact love her and that I was about to lose her. I changed immediately, but it was too late for me. But if she wanted, she had me hook line and sinker. You can be in a position of power like that too. Just be NICE..no matter what it takes. The whole "kill them with kindness act." Take that and call me in the morning. You won't believe the affect it will have on him and the wonders it will do for you.

 

Seems like a good tactic, but I don't understand why it would work?? I want to either be in a relationship with him OR break up and never hear from him again. Are you suggesting that i play it "friendly" for a while? I seriously don't get it.

[Speedo]

Well, honestly, it sounds to me like underneath all of your emotions, anger and pain that realistically you will ultimately NOT want to be with him. Not unless he completely changes. It's unlikely, but possible. I'm suggesting the old "bait and switch" tactic. Being friendly will do several things in your favor. First, by NOT discussing the relationship problems you two have and discussing something light hearted will throw him off. He probably expects you to get on him about the relationship, right? Well, if you completely change the subject, he will be like. "what the hell, whats going on here." Then you get off the phone. "hey, got to run, talk to you later." If he emails, make it short and brief, never mentioning the relationship. He will do one of two things. He will start to realize that you're pulling away (even if you're not, fake it till you make it.) and start to realize what he has with you, or he will continue to be a jerk, and then you will know that he is not ready for change, and will have to go into NC mode. (you'd be kind of doing NC if you do what I'm saying, except that you are ONLY allowing him to contact you. Never contact him. I would suggest allowing him to call and leave a vm, then call him back the next night if you can.

Right now, you're in a power struggle. You need to get it back. By playing the kind, happy go-lucky, I have a life outside of you kind of girl, you WILL get his attention. You want him to realize that you are nice, even if he's not. It will wear on him, trust me.

[Speedo]

basically what I'm saying is that being nice and indifferent will either get him to realize what he's missing, and will want to change for you, or he will either continue down the path of selfishness, and you can go with the plan of breaking up using NC, but with a clear conscience. If your nice, it will always make him wonder what he might have lost with you if you do break up. Kill 2 birds with one stone. Get the answer you want (to be or not to be with him), and it will give you a little revenge.

[princessa]

Speedo, I understand that you're trying to tell me that being nice will make things smooth between us. But why is it that he should be allowed to get pissed off and resentful when I say mean things (even when i don't mean to), and I should be playing nice when I get hurt??? What the hell, I dont let crap like that get past me. He hurt my feelings too and he should acknowledge it. And I don't feel like being NICE until he does.

 

Of course he's gonna want me like crazy if I'm nice.. But my heart won't be in it if the relationship's problems are still there but just swept under the rug.

 

Anyway I told him that next time he doesn't answer my phone I count 72 hours and if he doesn't reply within that time frame he'll never hear from me again.

[Speedo]

Your right, he Should acknowledge it. Infact, he SHOULD not be hurting you to begin with..right? There's alot of should's, but I am speaking of reality. I know you want him to be respectful of your feelings and give you what you want, but how do you think you'll accomplish that by beating the relationship problems into the ground? He hasn't apologized because he is probably angry at you too. I'm trying to suggest something that might end the cycle of him hurting you, you hurting him. I'm not saying that being nice to him is going to make everything hunky dory. But, it shows that you are mature and that you have your shiz straight. Maybe he doesn't, but if you do, it will make you much more attractive to him. Example. I was selfish in my past relationship. I took her for granted. What she did was be nice to me, let me do what I want, let me contact her. She was indifferent about the whole thing. She was pulling away. It made me realize what I should have along time ago, that I needed to look at this relationship and what she really meant to me from the viewpoint of, "hey, I may lose this girl." But, if you give an altimatum like you're suggesting, I know that you are completely banking that by doing so you will "jolt" him into submission. I am saying that your method might backfire, and will not be nearly as effective as just playing it cool, calm, collective, and NICE. What if he doesn't respond?? Trust me, you'll be so furious and may take you longer to get over the hurt. do you really think you will NEVER talk to him again after 72 hours? I seriously doubt it. Look, we both want the same thing here. For you to either be in a meaninful relationship, or for you to move on with dignity. (unlike me, trust me, it hurts). If it's a meaningful relationship, then somebody has to break the cycle. I'm suggesting it be you, even though it should rightfully be him. If it's going to be a breakup, then by being nice, you will leave with your consiouse clear, knowing that you did the right thing, and he will leave with a "wow, what the hell happened?" You need to regain your power. I may be wrong, but I don't think so. What I'm suggesting is WAY harder said than done. if you can pull it off, you'll have my respect, and his.

[princessa]

Your right, he Should acknowledge it. Infact, he SHOULD not be hurting you to begin with..right? There's alot of should's, but I am speaking of reality. I know you want him to be respectful of your feelings and give you what you want, but how do you think you'll accomplish that by beating the relationship problems into the ground? He hasn't apologized because he is probably angry at you too. I'm trying to suggest something that might end the cycle of him hurting you, you hurting him. I'm not saying that being nice to him is going to make everything hunky dory. But, it shows that you are mature and that you have your shiz straight. Maybe he doesn't, but if you do, it will make you much more attractive to him. Example. I was selfish in my past relationship. I took her for granted. What she did was be nice to me, let me do what I want, let me contact her. She was indifferent about the whole thing. She was pulling away. It made me realize what I should have along time ago, that I needed to look at this relationship and what she really meant to me from the viewpoint of, "hey, I may lose this girl." But, if you give an altimatum like you're suggesting, I know that you are completely banking that by doing so you will "jolt" him into submission. I am saying that your method might backfire, and will not be nearly as effective as just playing it cool, calm, collective, and NICE. What if he doesn't respond?? Trust me, you'll be so furious and may take you longer to get over the hurt. do you really think you will NEVER talk to him again after 72 hours? I seriously doubt it. Look, we both want the same thing here. For you to either be in a meaninful relationship, or for you to move on with dignity. (unlike me, trust me, it hurts). If it's a meaningful relationship, then somebody has to break the cycle. I'm suggesting it be you, even though it should rightfully be him. If it's going to be a breakup, then by being nice, you will leave with your consiouse clear, knowing that you did the right thing, and he will leave with a "wow, what the hell happened?" You need to regain your power. I may be wrong, but I don't think so. What I'm suggesting is WAY harder said than done. if you can pull it off, you'll have my respect, and his.

 

Wow you're actually making a lot of sense, thanks man. I have no problem being nice to him again, as a matter of fact I do this most of the time after we fight... But what usually happens is that when things are smooth he starts getting closer and closer to me without talking about past problems that still arent solved.. So are you saying that I should be nice but not let him get close to me?? What do I do if he says let's go out?? Just be casual and not let him touch me?? I'm afraid of this leading us to just being friends, and him having his cake and eating it too, in the sense that he will neither lose me, nor will he have to assume the responsibilities of being a good bf.

[Speedo]

Wow you're actually making a lot of sense, thanks man. I have no problem being nice to him again, as a matter of fact I do this most of the time after we fight... But what usually happens is that when things are smooth he starts getting closer and closer to me without talking about past problems that still arent solved.. So are you saying that I should be nice but not let him get close to me?? What do I do if he says let's go out?? Just be casual and not let him touch me?? I'm afraid of this leading us to just being friends, and him having his cake and eating it too, in the sense that he will neither lose me, nor will he have to assume the responsibilities of being a good bf.

 

exactly. Pull away from him, but stay in the game in case he comes

around. About the sex, tell him all the excuses I got. "it's your time of the month, having female problems, etc." Also, Don't do too much stuff with him as far as hanging out goes. Have a reason why you can't hang out that night. Remember, you have a life outside of him, and he needs to see that. Be nice, apologetic, but sincere about not being able to hang out. On the occasion you do, do nothing but be the fun girl you are. Show him the good things, Make him remember why he fell for you in the first place, not the relationship troubles. Just to recap, the reason you are doing this is to make him both miss you, and to see that he's losing you. He'll either wake up and treat you right, or the relationship will fizzle. If he get's frustrated and put's the ball in your court, go ahead and hang out with him for a night, and be cool. And about the cake and eating it too, you're not giving him either. Don't pawn this off as "playing games." All you're doing is using good tactics to get the answers you need, and to get passed the bullcrap. If he starts enjoying that you're pulling away, (and you will know), then you need to be nice, and break it off. Then NC. The friend thing may or may not come later. If you decide to break up, then you need to move on until you actually feel the way you've been acting towards him. "indifferent." Even though it's tough to see that far ahead in your current condition, if you break it off you may want room for a friendship in the future, but that should not be your concern now, or even if you break it off. To be downgraded to a friendship, you have to downgrade your romantic emotional attachment first. This may take time, so cross that bridge when you come to it.