Adunaphel Posted November 26, 2006 Posted November 26, 2006 Is a married guy who loves his wife and is looking just for sex (with no emotional connections) outside the marriage any better than a married guy who is also looking for an emotional connection/intimacy? Does being in a "mid-life crisis"(if such a thing exists) or in a distressful situation make cheating more "forgivable"? Is a guy who cheats "to feel young again" any better than a guy who just cheats? To the BS: would make any difference to you if your H considered the OW just as pieces of ass, did not lie to them, let them know that he loves you and just wants to have fun? Would it be any better if he did not give a rat's ass about the OW he cheated on you with? MM on my mind again. I thought that posting about it and trying to sort out the answers to some questions that have been revolving in my head for months might be more healthy than contacting him and risking to get into more trouble. Please bear with me.
whichwayisup Posted November 26, 2006 Posted November 26, 2006 MM on my mind again. I thought that posting about it and trying to sort out the answers to some questions that have been revolving in my head for months might be more healthy than contacting him and risking to get into more trouble. Please bear with me. Good for you! Don't contact him...It will just open up a can of worms and you really don't need that crap in your life anymore.
Author Adunaphel Posted November 26, 2006 Author Posted November 26, 2006 Good for you! Don't contact him...It will just open up a can of worms and you really don't need that crap in your life anymore. Thank you. We actually happen to exchange a few words on the internet from time to time (we hang out in the same website, occasionally in the same RL environment and have some friends in common), so it's not really about not contacting him - it's more about letting him know how much I still am interested in him... and how easily I might fall back for him... I do not think he is any longer interested (not worth the hassle... I get too attached and too jealous for a guy who just wants to "have fun" ...ask too many unconfortable or annoying questions...) but it would still open a huge can of worms.
noforgiveness Posted November 26, 2006 Posted November 26, 2006 no i would not want someone that was cold and calculating and could play with a persons emotions.. Midlife crises i believe in. My husband bought a gorgeous new sports car for him and I as a toy just recently. He's a little young for a midlife crises but everything in his life was settled. We joked a lot about the car before buying it that that is how you handle a midlife crises not by having a pa affair. Weboth love driving it and i think i's kind of a symbol to us.
whichwayisup Posted November 26, 2006 Posted November 26, 2006 it's more about letting him know how much I still am interested in him... Don't do that. He'll use that against you, so even if you feel that way, it's better to let him think otherwise.
Author Adunaphel Posted November 26, 2006 Author Posted November 26, 2006 no i would not want someone that was cold and calculating and could play with a persons emotions.. Midlife crises i believe in. My husband bought a gorgeous new sports car for him and I as a toy just recently. He's a little young for a midlife crises but everything in his life was settled. We joked a lot about the car before buying it that that is how you handle a midlife crises not by having a pa affair. Weboth love driving it and i think i's kind of a symbol to us. This was very, very insightful. I am trying to tell myself that MM is a jerk (not towards me, in general) but I am aware that at the same time a part of me is trying to look for excuses for him, playing devil's attorney, feeling that I have no right to call him a jerk. A friend of mine about a year ago said that to her he looked/sounded like "a nice guy, but in a midlife crisis who does not know what he is doing and is not thinking straight"... She almost made it sound like I was taking advantage of him. Which has left me wondering ever since, and asking myself questions like the ones above. I think that I won't be able to resolve the situation and forget about him until I find the "right" answer to some questions the ones in the original post are just a part of them. You just answered one for me... even if he is in a mid-life crisis, there are other ways to handle it and to feel younger, or "alive again", than cheating on his wife. Thank you very much for replying!
Author Adunaphel Posted November 26, 2006 Author Posted November 26, 2006 Don't do that. He'll use that against you, so even if you feel that way, it's better to let him think otherwise. He partly figured it out already, I think...and I have a feeling that he is already using it against me. The other day I talked a bit with him online and he said that he got the impression I was avoiding him... I was like "not really, it's more like you are avoiding me, or -better - I get attention from you at your whim.. after a while I just have enough of seeking you and I accomodate to the situation". Not smart on my part. But I could say much worse.. and I'd rather not to.
pricillia Posted November 26, 2006 Posted November 26, 2006 no you did nothing wrong... You should say how you feel
Author Adunaphel Posted November 26, 2006 Author Posted November 26, 2006 no you did nothing wrong... You should say how you feel If I do, chances are that he'll either vanish or start doing something that would hurt me... either flirt with other ladies in my face, or tell me something I will find hurtful or offensive (like making sexual references wording them in a way I'll find hurtful). I haven't still figured out whether he used to act that way when we were still in an affair, so to speak. Was he just trying to send me a "I do not give a rat's ass about you" kind of message? Was he reminding me not to get attached to him? Or did he just **enjoy** to say/do things that hurt me? Did he get an ego boost when I just sucked up some ...well, not flattering ways of saying things? Did he find it fun to make me jealous? Just more question I have to figure out an answer to in order to really move on.
Trialbyfire Posted November 26, 2006 Posted November 26, 2006 To the BS: would make any difference to you if your H considered the OW just as pieces of ass, did not lie to them, let them know that he loves you and just wants to have fun? Would it be any better if he did not give a rat's ass about the OW he cheated on you with? I'll just respond to this part and let the OW respond to the rest. Nope, neither would make me feel better. No matter which way you look at it, he's still a liar and a cheater. A complete waste of my time and emotion.
Author Adunaphel Posted November 26, 2006 Author Posted November 26, 2006 I'll just respond to this part and let the OW respond to the rest. Nope, neither would make me feel better. No matter which way you look at it, he's still a liar and a cheater. A complete waste of my time and emotion. Trialbyfire, thank you for replying, your post was precious.
scaredinlove Posted November 26, 2006 Posted November 26, 2006 To the BS: would make any difference to you if your H considered the OW just as pieces of ass, did not lie to them, let them know that he loves you and just wants to have fun? Would it be any better if he did not give a rat's ass about the OW he cheated on you with? . My MM had another affair few years before he met me and his W found out, that time he told the W that the woman was just a piece of A*** and the W was P*** but moved on.This time he told her that he was in love with me( Why he told her that it is beyond me) She has being crazy for the last 3 months and don't seem to be able to accept he was in love with another woman. She said if was only for sex she could maybe forgive him again ( since they have no sex), but she can't deal with him in love with me. So I guess it does make a difference how the H feels about the OW.
Jane Doe Posted November 26, 2006 Posted November 26, 2006 A friend of mine about a year ago said that to her he looked/sounded like "a nice guy, but in a midlife crisis who does not know what he is doing and is not thinking straight"...I think that's nonsense. It's not like you took advantage of a child or someone who's mentally handicapped. What he did, he did willingly and knowingly. I don't buy into the lunacy of "being under someone's spell." We all make our choices. You've owned up to your part in it, as should he. He sounds to me like a master manipulator. The moment you begin to show signs of independence and strength he flirts with other women or makes hurtful comments to keep you under his thumb. Very classic of OM. These affairs are all about power and control for the MM. They throw in all the tales of "love" to keep you hanging on and believing their drivel but when it all shakes out, it comes back to being about his wants, his needs and his ego boosts. Period.
alphamale Posted November 26, 2006 Posted November 26, 2006 people who are married should uphold the vows they took at the altar. otherwise they should not have gotten married.
Author Adunaphel Posted November 26, 2006 Author Posted November 26, 2006 Thank you, scaredinlove. My MM had another affair few years before he met me and his W found out, that time he told the W that the woman was just a piece of A*** and the W was P*** but moved on.This time he told her that he was in love with me( Why he told her that it is beyond me) She has being crazy for the last 3 months and don't seem to be able to accept he was in love with another woman. She said if was only for sex she could maybe forgive him again ( since they have no sex), but she can't deal with him in love with me. So I guess it does make a difference how the H feels about the OW. This is very informative - and it is close enough to my line of thinking/seeing things that I can understand it (not that my line of thinking is necessary a good one!) This specific MM I was in an affair with *does* get sex at home, though. One possibility - suggested by the friend who though he was in a midlife crisis and discussed with her - is that he is getting older (he is in his late 40s), is starting to have problems keeping up (sexually) with his wife, who is 10 years younger than him. Thus, he is not only tying to feel like when he was younger and perhaps screwed a different girl every night (or eevry week, or month, whatever), but he is trying to prove to himself that he is not getting older, just getting bored to have sex with the same person. If it makes any sense. (I think it makes a lot of sense, actually).
Author Adunaphel Posted November 26, 2006 Author Posted November 26, 2006 people who are married should uphold the vows they took at the altar. otherwise they should not have gotten married. It feels good to read such a post, Alpha. (This will sound hypocrite since I am/was in the OW position, but it was not meant to be hypocrite.) Expecially coming from you. :) MM is not exactly married. Meaning, he is not married. His W and he have known each other for 16 years, have been living together for 13, have a son. It does not really make a difference, or does it? Actually, I think that cheating when you are not legally married is worse than cheating when you are married, in a way. Because you are breaking a lot more trust.
Author Adunaphel Posted November 26, 2006 Author Posted November 26, 2006 I think that's nonsense. It's not like you took advantage of a child or someone who's mentally handicapped. What he did, he did willingly and knowingly. He was actually the one pursuing me. Well, it hurts to admit this to myself, but at the time he was probably "pursuing" - if you can call it pursuing - or at least showing interest in anything that looked feminine and "screwable" accordingly to his standards. In a way that was btw far from classy. He probably would have looked to most women as a guy who was "fishing", just looking to get laid with the minimum effort possible. I was probably one of the few idiots that missed this... I got actually turned on by something he said. Let him know that I found him interesting... (I didn't know he was married at this stage, but I got to know soon after) After which he started to show interest towards me...giving me attention ... saying some flattering things (but throwing here and there something that irked me...) I fell for it completely. But I had it ********in front of my eyes******* the whole time, at the beginning. I just did not see it, or did not want to see it. The very first impresison I got is that he was just a guy "fishing" carelessly to get laid, probably checking out whether a woman would be slutty enough to be interested having sex with him. I CANNOT BELIEVE I AM ACTUALLY WRITING THIS. I must sound like one of the most pathetic OW ever, let alone one pathetic excuse for a woman, but it took me a year to wrote such a thing on here. It hurts. I knew, or could have known all along, the whole effin time. I was just in denial. Did no want to see things. --------------------------- Do not get fooled though. I still *am* in denial , at least to some level. I don't buy into the lunacy of "being under someone's spell." Oh, *I wish*... I would wish so much he was. He sounds to me like a master manipulator. The moment you begin to show signs of independence and strength he flirts with other women or makes hurtful comments to keep you under his thumb. Very classic of OM. I guess we have three possibilities: 1)he is a master manipulator 2)he is a bad one, but still tries - and I just am stupid enough to *always* fall for this kind of things. *always*. I am predictable 3) It is all in my head, it is just coincidences, I am giving you a distorted version of reality and imagining things. jealousy is a bitch. (yes, he is not my SO...but it actually almost make me even more jealous) These affairs are all about power and control for the MM. They throw in all the tales of "love" to keep you hanging on and believing their drivel but when it all shakes out, it comes back to being about his wants, his needs and his ego boosts. Period. I just wish he ever threw in some tale of "love". I have probably been luckier than most OW in this regard.....MM showed him basically as he is... I probably just fell for some basic, poor seduction techniques... (and I am in denial...I am writing this but actually still refusing to see it....) Luckier but a lot more stupid. Thank you so much, Jane Doe.
pureinheart Posted November 26, 2006 Posted November 26, 2006 To the BS: would make any difference to you if your H considered the OW just as pieces of ass, did not lie to them, let them know that he loves you and just wants to have fun? Would it be any better if he did not give a rat's ass about the OW he cheated on you with? . My MM had another affair few years before he met me and his W found out, that time he told the W that the woman was just a piece of A*** and the W was P*** but moved on.This time he told her that he was in love with me( Why he told her that it is beyond me) She has being crazy for the last 3 months and don't seem to be able to accept he was in love with another woman. She said if was only for sex she could maybe forgive him again ( since they have no sex), but she can't deal with him in love with me. So I guess it does make a difference how the H feels about the OW. I think it's easier if it was "just sex" for the BS to deal with....in this case both the MM and BS has a distorted veiw of what sex really is. The media and some in society have depicted sex as purely physical. Personally I think the BS should see it as it really is, her H has no concept of what love is and should be.
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