cutesypie73 Posted November 26, 2006 Posted November 26, 2006 Hi all I have been reading the threads about affairs with 'married' people with interest as I find myself in this situation for the first time in my life. I live in England and I have been flirting with my boss. As with many people I was not looking for this situation - it just happened. I work in a government dept and my dept is managed remotely by our main office 200 miles away. I met my boss around 3 months ago and the sexual attraction was instant, from both sides. We have been flirting by e-mail, text and in person ever since. I am single but he is in a relationship, not married but they have been together for around 2 years - no kids. We have both admitted to our feelings for each other but so far nothing physical has happened. We have both fought the attraction becoming physical but I am concerned as we have to go away together soon on a business trip. It is not just us I hasten to add, there is a group of people going. However, as he is only MY manager this will involve spending a lot of time on our own together. I'm not sure I will be strong enough to stop it if anything happens and I am currently fighting with my conscience. The attraction is very powerful and we seem to be very similar characters. Problem is I have never been the 'other woman' and he tells me he has never had an affair either. Plus if anything does happen am I opening myself up to hurt due to the fact he lives SO far away?!?! I just don't know what to do, i'm so confused..... Any advice??
bonehead Posted November 26, 2006 Posted November 26, 2006 to how it will effect your workplace. With him being your boss, will it have a negitive impact on your job if things dont work out? Then read whats here. He may not be married but he is in a relationship that he may not really want to leave.
Katyn Posted November 26, 2006 Posted November 26, 2006 I know what it's like dealing with this type of attraction in the workplace when you are constantly thrown together. It's such a strong feeling and there's none of the "realities" of domestic life to keep you grounded. If he hasn't been able to deal with the issues he presumably has with his current partner, which are probably leading him to consider involvement with you, then what's going to happen if you and he have issues that aren't dealt with? In other words would you be able to trust him not to go behind your back if you have an affair and he commits to you (or keeps you hanging on and hoping)?
noforgiveness Posted November 26, 2006 Posted November 26, 2006 besides the workplace problem i don't see a problem. He is not married and he does not have kids. You would not be the OW he just needs to dump the girlfriend. Don't accept being a sidedish the man is not married. He's not even engaged right? I would certainly OPENLY date him though before having a sexual relationship with him. Don't settle for ust being a little worktime fun while he continues his relationship with his girlfriend. If this man is not in love enough with his girlfriend to stay true to her when they are dating then no foul the girlfriend needs to know now before she commits to marriage and kids. I honestly see no problem with this.
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 26, 2006 Posted November 26, 2006 You have to ask yourself this one question: how much are you worth? Are you worth a full relationship, complete with benefits or are you only worth taking leftovers from someone else's relationship, and taking the crumbs of benefits when you can get them? What is your worth? If you are worth more than playing someone's 'second best' then let this man know that. Tell him that you care for him, are falling for him, and are attracted to him but that until he is single and available that you will have to stop all non-work related contact. Then, follow through. Do not respond to a single non-work related comment/email/phone call/etc. Do not be alone with him. If you find yourself alone, keep the doors open and shut him out with cold body language and no eye contact. Keep it strictly business. If you are together and he starts up with something personal, change the subject and/or leave the room. Be firm, strong and complete impervious to his 'come-ons'. If he wants the benefits, he has to be single and available in order to get them. By doing this, you will be showing him that you feel that you are worth more than just being someone's side item. You are the MAIN DISH. Period. You will settle for no less. Also by doing this, you will find out exactly what you are worth to him. If he breaks up with his girlfriend in order to be with you, then he finds you worth the effort to do so. If he backs off, and stays with his girlfriend, then he never thought you were worth more than to be a little something-something on the side regardless of what he says or does. Don't you deserve the whole thing? Yes? Then fight for it and don't back down. He'll either come to you single and available, or he will back off and stay with his girlfriend. Either way: you win. You either get the guy all to yourself, or you save yourself the agony of being delegated to the position of side item. Again: I ask this - what are you worth?
whichwayisup Posted November 26, 2006 Posted November 26, 2006 1)He's your boss. 2)He's in a relationship. Very dangerous combination... Listen to the others, you've got some good advice.
Author cutesypie73 Posted November 26, 2006 Author Posted November 26, 2006 Thanks to all for your advice, i understand what you are saying. Yes he isn't married but they are living together as far as i'm aware so i guess its pretty committed. I think half my problem is he is the first guy who has shown me any attention in a while following two failed long term relationships. I have 3 children and I work full-time so I have very little time to myself, let alone going out to meet new people. I have to admit to being flattered, hes not a lechy kinda guy, he is in fact very easy to talk to and a gentleman. After my last relationships I was left with very little self-esteem and self worth so I think his attention has knocked me sideways a bit. I think I will use the trip away to find out his true intentions, thanks for all your advice guys!!
whichwayisup Posted November 26, 2006 Posted November 26, 2006 Then just let it be. Enjoy the attention but don't take that he's inlove with you, gonna dump his live-in girlfriend for you. Keep things light and don't cross any lines with him. Keep it professional. And, be careful of office gossip! Last thing you need to deal with too is having a ruined reputation, especially if you love your job!
Author cutesypie73 Posted November 26, 2006 Author Posted November 26, 2006 In my office they wouldn't notice!! The fact my boss only visits once every 2 weeks doesn't rate on their 'gossip' scale. They are all far too bust gossiping about all the 'affairs' going on around them! What is it about working in an office?? It seems to breed infidelity!!
noforgiveness Posted November 26, 2006 Posted November 26, 2006 Thanks to all for your advice, i understand what you are saying. Yes he isn't married but they are living together as far as i'm aware so i guess its pretty committed. I think half my problem is he is the first guy who has shown me any attention in a while following two failed long term relationships. I have 3 children and I work full-time so I have very little time to myself, let alone going out to meet new people. I have to admit to being flattered, hes not a lechy kinda guy, he is in fact very easy to talk to and a gentleman. After my last relationships I was left with very little self-esteem and self worth so I think his attention has knocked me sideways a bit. I think I will use the trip away to find out his true intentions, thanks for all your advice guys!! be careful when you are away. NO SEX. Having sex with a committed man will not help your self-esteem at all. Telling him no will do a great deal for it.
Seen_It_All Posted November 26, 2006 Posted November 26, 2006 I live in England and I have been flirting with my boss. As with many people I was not looking for this situation - it just happened. No Cutsie, it didn't "just happen." You've been MAKING it happen since Day #1. And you can just as easily STOP making it happen. You say your self-esteem and self-worth have been depleted after your last two relationships? Just wait until you start getting attached to this guy - whose first loyalty lies with his girlfriend, married or not. He's living with her and that means he's made a commitment to her. Doesn't mean, however, that he's not going to enjoy the chase and ultimate spoils when he eventually gets you in bed. He's not flirting with you because he wants a relationship - he's flirting with you because he likes the FUN of it. Go ahead and take what little self esteem and self worth you have left and flush them right down the drain when Prince Charming tells you that he AIN'T leaving his girlfriend but will gladly let you be his side piece.
Author cutesypie73 Posted November 26, 2006 Author Posted November 26, 2006 No Cutsie, it didn't "just happen." You've been MAKING it happen since Day #1. And you can just as easily STOP making it happen. You say your self-esteem and self-worth have been depleted after your last two relationships? Just wait until you start getting attached to this guy - whose first loyalty lies with his girlfriend, married or not. He's living with her and that means he's made a commitment to her. Doesn't mean, however, that he's not going to enjoy the chase and ultimate spoils when he eventually gets you in bed. He's not flirting with you because he wants a relationship - he's flirting with you because he likes the FUN of it. Go ahead and take what little self esteem and self worth you have left and flush them right down the drain when Prince Charming tells you that he AIN'T leaving his girlfriend but will gladly let you be his side piece. Bit harsh, but I do understand your reasoning. I guess I am tempted as I don't have time in my hectic life to actually put my ALL into a full time relationship. Maybe its just the sex and attention I want... Doesn't matter anyway as I have made a decision not to allow any naughty stuff while we are away. If he wants me he will have to prove it!!!
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 26, 2006 Posted November 26, 2006 If he wants me he will have to prove it!!! What would you want to see in terms of proof?
Author cutesypie73 Posted November 26, 2006 Author Posted November 26, 2006 I guess I just need to get to know him as a person better, you know hopes, dreams, fears.... that kind of stuff....
whichwayisup Posted November 26, 2006 Posted November 26, 2006 If he wants me he will have to prove it!!! NO! Wrong attitude to have. If he wants you, he must FIRST end his relationship, be on his own for a while AND THEN pursue you. DO NOT fool yourself into thinking if he makes moves on you, he is loving you and wants you to be his girlfriend. To him, if he does make moves on you, it means he wants someone on the side. BAD combo for you seeing as you have self esteem issues...If you let "it" happen, say goodbye to any self esteem you have now. GO read more posts in this section. Bit harsh, but I do understand your reasoning. I guess I am tempted as I don't have time in my hectic life to actually put my ALL into a full time relationship. Maybe its just the sex and attention I want... Harsh advice is the best because it makes you stop and think. You wanting sex and attention, to feel good isn't really fair or honest, because it would be coming on someone else's expense. His girlfriend. Think of her and how she'd feel. You'd be his partner in crime by helping him cheat on her.
noforgiveness Posted November 26, 2006 Posted November 26, 2006 I guess I just need to get to know him as a person better, you know hopes, dreams, fears.... that kind of stuff.... NO you need to back off till he breaks up with the girl. I didn't realize he was living with her in my first response. Have some self respect and back off.
Author cutesypie73 Posted November 26, 2006 Author Posted November 26, 2006 I guess you all have valid points but in the end I don't know what is going to happen. For now i will back off and see what reaction that brings. Thanks all....
whichwayisup Posted November 26, 2006 Posted November 26, 2006 I don't know what is going to happen. Please go read more posts by OW in this section. See what you're asking for IF you CHOOSE to let something happen. You have more control than you know, so try your best NOT to let your heart lead you into something that you'll regret and end up with a broken heart.
archer269 Posted November 26, 2006 Posted November 26, 2006 have you ever heard the expression "dont crap where you eat"? if you get involved with the BOSS than thats what your are doing. lets say you do get involved and it doesnt work what then? will you quit or will you be able to work with an EX? and thats just one of the many cans of worms you will open. Youll make you own descision and youll live with the outcome. Good luck
whichwayisup Posted November 26, 2006 Posted November 26, 2006 Something tells me she is going to learn the hard way, and 'see' how it goes. You're playing with fire and you're gonna get burned, big time.
melodymatters Posted November 26, 2006 Posted November 26, 2006 This is why there is a difference between marriage and living together. If he was married, I would say run, fast, don't entertain ANy thoughts. But they're not. My sister was in a 13 yr relationship. They bought a house together, were in a band togther, everything was like husband and wife, except .....he wouldn't marry her, didn't " believe" in it he took a part time job for a friend, bartending, and fell in love with a waitress, and left my sister, left the house and the band. After 13 yrs. So, it happens. I agree that the higher you hold yourself and your esteem, the more you will seem like a prize, and the more he will respect you. I would say THIS is the perfect situation for an emotional affair." gee whiz, you think he's just swell, but your not going to step on anyones toes, you have more self respect, etc" and then..watch his actions. You just might win him away from his GF.
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 26, 2006 Posted November 26, 2006 I guess I am tempted as I don't have time in my hectic life to actually put my ALL into a full time relationship. Maybe its just the sex and attention I want... You'll get sex and attention - and not have to worry about a full time relationship. You'll get what is left over from his girlfriend. He sounds like he has been down this road before, so at the very least use good protection. I used to have a sig line that said that people only ask questions they already know the answers to, but don't want to admit it to themselves. It sounds like your mind is pretty much already made up - you will go to this conference open to seduction. What 'proof' would you need that he wants to be with you? He's already made that clear. He wants sex on the side, and you've already sent him 'willing and available' signals through your flirting, etc. Just remember that you are at the point where you have a choice: full meal or leftovers. I guess it all depends on how you see yourself. Are you good enough for a full meal, or only good enough for leftovers?
Joelle Posted November 26, 2006 Posted November 26, 2006 I agree that the higher you hold yourself and your esteem, the more you will seem like a prize, and the more he will respect you. I would say THIS is the perfect situation for an emotional affair." gee whiz, you think he's just swell, but your not going to step on anyones toes, you have more self respect, etc" and then..watch his actions. You just might win him away from his GF. Interesting point.
Joelle Posted November 26, 2006 Posted November 26, 2006 Cutesy, You remind me of my former self. My advice for you is to be yourself, but do not cross the boundary. If that man is into you, he would leave his girlfriend for you. The ball is in his court, not yours. Good Luck.
pureinheart Posted November 27, 2006 Posted November 27, 2006 I know this happens, although technically speaking the boss is way out of line....these are ethics issues and he, being in management has a resposibility to PROTECT those under him, not exploit them. Being in management he is a representative of whatever organization....you said government? Even worse. Here in the US especially with gov contractors and major corporations ethics is a big issue....also in the US work pc are monitored for security purposes at least the companies I have worked for...meaning someone could be reading all of your emails. Back in the early 80's management considered the hourly employees as "lower life forms"....I don't notice that today, but it still could be the same....be careful that this guy isn't viewing you that way "just because he can". How is he with commitment? Be careful g/f
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